Orophin's Diary

Dear Diary,
I am one of the most underappreciated elves of all time. I mean, no one ever pays me any attention. Like, this morning, Galadriel was feeling abnormally generous, and decided to give away all of Celeborn’s best cloaks. Rumil and Haldir both got one, and even those unimportant elves who don’t even have names, and what do I get? Nothing. Not even one of those dinky cloaks Celeborn seems to like so much, with the bells and hearts on them. Not that I would want one of course, even if Galadriel is an Orophin-hater. I’m totally okay with just standing there while Haldir prances around in his pretty pink cloak. He should’ve stuck with the red, even if it made him look a little chubby.
Speaking of Haldir, he really needs to shave his legs. But I’m not judging, I just figure he wants to get girls, and looking like a hairy ape is not helpful. .I think I may just tell him that! Or maybe he doesn’t like girls. But then, he’d probably still need to shave. Once, I asked Legolas what he liked in a man, because everyone knows the state of his love life. He gave me a black eye, then said they would have to be very pretty. That kind of scared me though, because I’m drop dead gorgeous and all that other stuff, but I don’t feel that way about clumsy air-heads. (I’m still talking about Legolas)
The funniest thing happened to Rumil yesterday! We were on guard duty, just the two of us, sitting in a boring talan. Well, I told him I was bored and he told me to shut up so I did. But then, a huge flock of birds flew by, and settled up into the tree. Being the idiot he is, Rumil got up and waved his arms around a lot to scare them off. And what did he get? Crap, that’s what. No, I literally mean crap: They pooped all over him, but missed me(on purpose I think), and he had to walk home like that. Soooo I have taken to calling him Poopie, and that prompted him to yell the most interesting selection of words at me. I just smiled at him, like the angel I am. Tomorrow I may go tell Celeborn about it, but I won’t talk to Galadriel because she’s an Orophin-hater. Celeborn feels my pain though, and now we are sorrowful buddies who don’t have cloaks.
Right now I would even appreciate one of the dinky ones.

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Dear Diary,
I am the most annoyed elf in the universe. Stupid Thranduil and stupid Legolas are coming with some other stupid elves to Caras Galadhon next week. Stupid Galadriel for letting them! I would say stupid Celeborn for letting her let them, but we all know that she wears the pants in that relationship. I’m not even saying that to be mean like I usually do, as Celeborn has been unusually nice to me. He’s been like that ever since Galadriel gave away his cloaks. I’m still not sure if I like the change: ask again next week when I’ll have made up my mind.
Poopie stole my favorite pair of socks before I got dressed today. They’re really long and especially fluffy, and I miss them since I still haven’t broken in the boots I‘m wearing today. Which, by the way, I “borrowed” from Haldir’s closet, as he won’t be needing them, and I look better in them anyways.
Oh, and I told him that he needed to shave his legs if he wanted to get girls(or guys) and he threw an empty quiver at me. Now I have a bruise on the side of my face, although even with it I’m still twice as attractive as him. I told him so too, and he just said to be glad there weren’t any arrows in the quiver, and of course I had to say something back. I suggested that after he shaved his legs he could stick his arrows in Legolas’ quiver, then promptly explained my theory that since Legolas like pretty guys, that meant he liked shaved legs because they were pretty. Haldir gave me a black eye to go with the bruise, but I’m still more attractive, just not twice as attractive.
I am most relieved that Poopie got all of the bird crap washed off, as nobody wants to see his face on a good day, let alone covered in bird crap, which I told him. He took it really well, all things considered, and even complimented me on my lovely bruises. I wholeheartedly agreed with him, needless to say.
And so now everyone but me is counting down the days until those stupid pointy-eared elves arrive. Whoopee doo. Then again, I may begin planning tortures for Legolas as they will require time and preparation.

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Dear Diary,
I am still in the process of planning tortures for Legolas, and Celeborn has even agreed to assist me. I thought I heard him mumble something about dying hair green, but I don’t think Thranduillion is smart enough to pull off something like that, much less on someone like Celeborn, unless I misunderstood. In other news, I have decided to get Legolas drunk and dress him up in one of Galadriel’s gowns. (Gowns courtesy of Celeborn) Then I may even enlist Haldir into helping me put apply makeup, style hair, take pictures, etc. He always enjoys a good joke(Haldir, not Legolas). I would’ve gotten Poopie to help, but he’s still mad about the bird crap fiasco, and I don’t trust him to keep his mouth shut. Knowing him, he would tattle, just to spite me.
I have also decided to pluck my eyebrows. Now before anyone freaks, I do have reasons for this very important, life-changing decision. You see, the other day, I saw Galadriel doing hers in front of a mirror(Don’t ask what I was doing in her room), and I realized she has very attractive eyebrows. Then the thought came to me : Wouldn’t I look terribly hot with new and improved eyebrows? If well-plucked bits of hair on the forehead can make someone like Galadriel seem attractive, what wonders could they work on a stud like me? Soooo, Orophin 2.0 will make his fantastic debut at dinner tomorrow, at the home of the Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood. Be sure to reserve your tickets, darlings, and don’t spill the secret. Won’t Legolas, with his stupid gorilla eyebrows be soooo jealous? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Anyways, I got my socks back from Poopie today, who insists on me calling him by his given name, which I will not do. I told him that if he didn’t want to be the only one with a nickname(he always jumped on the bandwagon as a child) then I would go by one just to make him feel better. Then he ungratefully refused to call me Lord Hotpants! I hope he goes bald one day, just so that he can be even more jealous of my beautiful hair than he already is.
This morning I asked Haldir if I could use his bow for practice today and he said something along the lines of “For what?” So I answered “Shooting arrows, duh.” Then he just snickered and shut the door in my face, leaving me completely dumbfounded. I still don’t get it. What’s so funny about firing arro-oh. He was referring to my joke about him and Legolas. Haha, that’s pretty good, I’ll have to use that one on Galadriel then laugh when she doesn’t understand it like I do.

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Dear Diary,
My face hurts now. Galadriel did understand my arrow joke like I do, and now I have bruises to match the ones from Haldir. And just when those were beginning to fade away, too.
Regarding other matters less important than the state of my face, three days until the stupid Mirkwood elves get here. Well, not counting today. I have stored away the dress-Legolas-as-a-girl idea in the vault that is my impressive mind, and have newer ideas. I don’t know how long they’re staying, so there should be plenty of time-for plenty of torture- I mean, no I’m an angel! I would never do anything to hurt, embarrass, humiliate, degenerate, cripple, maim, ridicule, violate, destroy, mock, deride, belittle, injure, upset, impair, or otherwise get Legolas grounded by his daddy. Soooo, I have the ideas of putting drugs in his food to make him embarrass himself, somehow arranging for the bird poop fiasco to be repeated on him, and many other amusing things.
The eyebrow unveiling did not go as planned. They are indeed gorgeous, but everyone made fun of me and called me the most rude words. Poopie said I was just like a woman in how much time I took to my appearance, but that is why I am so much more attractive than he. Haldir called me vain, and Galadriel accused me of being a copycat, while Celeborn just smirked, the traitor. I will get him back. But all in all, everyone got a good laugh out of making a complete fool of me, but two good things did come out of it. One: My eyebrows are drop-dead gorgeous and two: Galadriel finally gave me one of Celeborn’s dinky cloaks with the bells and hearts. It’s soooo good not to be left out! But the cloak does smell funny…
Well, after the whole eyebrows thing, I have now come up with an even better self-improvement technique. Not that I need any improving. I have been imagining myself as an opera singer for the last five hours. Wouldn’t that be awesome!? I’ll have to track down some lessons before Thranduillion gets here, so I can utterly wow him with my greatness.

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Dear Diary,
I found someone willing to give me opera lessons, and thankfully, they are male, and straight. I fear that if my instructor had been a woman, she would have been too busy fawning over my hotness to teach me properly. My teacher is an elf named Feragith, and he has quite the talent in singing. I have decided not to tell anyone, but to wait until I am a master(a week should do it) and wow them at the most random opportunity. To celebrate my talent in such a profound art as opera, I wrote a song that I can sing.

Oh, Orophin the Hot
So hot hot hot hot hot
Hotter than a boiling pot
Hot hot hot hot hot!!!!

I believe I may also have extreme talent as a poet and songwriter. Maybe I can send this to Elrond and have everyone sing it in the Hall of Fire in Imladris. I do think it unfair that not everyone in the world gets to enjoy my presence, but that song should serve to make them feel better about such a loss.
There was a spider in my room today, so I killed it with Haldir’s bow. I hope he doesn’t notice the gross, bloody carcass on one of his most prized possessions. If he does I’ll say Poopie did it.
In honor of Thranduil and Legolas arriving, I’ve had the most wonderful idea. I will make myself even better, cooler, and hotter so as to make both as jealous as possible. It wouldn’t hurt to make my brothers jealous either, or even Celeborn. In fact, I am still quite angry at him for laughing at my beautiful eyebrows.
I think I may go buy some scented candles tonight, just to set the mood when I exact revenge.

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Dear Diary,
The day after tomorrow, those stupid Mirkwood elves will arrive. I still need to prepare to make them all jealous. I still remember that one time I found Legolas’ diary and, instead of showing anyone, changed all of the entries. I wonder if anyone ever found it and read about how sexy he thinks Elrond is…
I had a free day today, but Haldir and Poopie didn’t, HA! So as soon as they left this morning, I pulled out Mother’s old clothes and played dress up. I must say, I would make a much prettier girl than Galadriel. I even took pictures, but due to the nature of these photos, they will never be looked upon by eyes other than mine. Everything was put away in time for my brothers to get home, so the secret is safe. I just hope Haldir in particular never sees them, as there was one where I did a very provocative pose using his precious bow as a prop, just in case I model for PlayElf one day.
Haldir took the most huge dump this afternoon, and I could smell it all the way from my room, where I was minding my own business for once(AKA writing a book about myself). Poopie even commented on how awful it was and that’s saying something.
I had the most wonderful idea of doing a karaoke night, which would be the perfect chance to show off my opera. I could even do it while Thranduil is here, if I’m feeling gracious enough to let him hear my beautiful voice. Even better, I could go right after Legolas, just to make the enormous difference between my talent and his croaking as obvious as possible.
I need to get some new clothes before they get here.

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Dear Diary,
Today I spent almost all of my savings on a new outfit to wear when the Mirkwood party gets here tomorrow. Sure that may seem like a waste to anyone unversed in the art of recognizing Orophin’s hotness(Haldir and Poopie), but the money was well spent, I can assure you. The color is all blue and white and silver, and goes with that one cloak Galadriel wore to Haldir’s begetting day last year. I will have to convince her to let me borrow it for at least one day.
So I totally freaked Celeborn out today(but it doesn’t count as my revenge) by making a cute little ring out of clay. I ran into the “palace” shouting “I have crafted a ring of power!! I dub thee Orophin’sthehottestelfinmiddleearth!!!”, and Celeborn ran out with the funniest look on his face. He said, and I quote, “What is this Orophin’sthehottestelfinmiddleearth?”. I laughed so hard, and still can’t believe I actually got him to say it!
I showed Feragith the song I wrote, and he laughed, which made me a wee bit mad. But then he complimented me on the talent I showed when I sang it for him, so it’s safe to say all is well.
I think my bedroom is haunted. Last night, when I was trying to go to sleep, I hurt many funny noises, most of them sounding like moans. I think the ghost haunting me is a dead pervert who likes to watch me sleep. Sooo, I went to knock on Haldir’s door, but the noises were in there too, so I think the pervert ghost likes my brother as well. I told him through the door that I was scared and thought there was a ghost, but all I heard was a muffled “Go the hell away!”. I think he may have been busy.

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Dear Diary,
The Mirkwood party arrived today, and it.was.hilarious. We all sat down to a huge feast(who would throw a party because of Legolas and his daddy?), and the food was excellent, in the opinion of a gourmet chef like me. At the quietest moment in the entire meal, Thranduil farted. Yeah, that’s right, he farted. And then he says “Legolas, why did you do that!?” so he got all embarrassed and turned really red, and Thranduil just smiled, thinking himself safe. But that didn’t fool me, because Legolas doesn’t fart. Ever. Because he’s such a prissy and is capable of no bodily functions. I’m still undecided as to when I should get him drunk and dress him up as a girl. Haldir has agreed to help, but only after laughing when I informed him that our house is haunted. Butt hole.
Last night, Poopie snored loud enough to wake Feanor from the dead. I almost thought that this was the dreaded Pervert Ghost, but changed my mind as he moans, not snores. Now that I think about it, I wonder why.
I did buy those scented candles I was talking about, but I ended up giving them to Feragith because he’s so nice, and the apple scent makes my nose stuffy. He politely thanked me which was a bit of a surprise because no one ever thanks me.
Poopie took my fluffy socks again, but as I have broken in my (Haldir’s) boots, I do not really need them as much. They were lucky socks though, and I miss them dearly. Perhaps I shall order the Pervert Ghost to attack him. I can even bribe him with a look at my gorgeous eyebrows.
Speaking of, Legolas was soooo jealous when he saw them. Green is not a good color for him, despite being from Mirkwood.

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Dear Diary,
Poopie really has taken to a great deal of snoring, and I missed quite a bit of sleep last night. The Pervert Ghost was rather active again as well, so I fear for the state of my attractiveness. I must remember to call my brother Poopie in front of Thranduil so as to prompt questioning of it, thus giving myself the opportunity to relate the hilarious tale.
Legolas came to breakfast this morning sporting the most ridiculous set of eyebrows, and I couldn’t help but laugh. He is such a copycat. His daddy kept giving him strange looks so I believe he noticed, and everyone else had a jolly good time trying to suppress our laughter. Galadriel, however, continuously glared at me, so I think she blames me for spreading her style and making it seem unoriginal.
I think tonight Haldir and I will play our little joke on Legolas, and Celeborn has offered up his strongest wine, which we will use food coloring to make the same color as the less-potent liquid we shall ingest. Whew, that was quite the mouthful. Which reminds me, when I once used that same phrase on Glorfindel of Rivendell, he laughed. I wonder why……
Also, the scented candles I gave Feragith were nowhere in sight today, so I think he is really enjoying them. Why else would they disappear the day after he accepted them so graciously with a bit of an eye twitch? I really do need to get some more though, for my revenge on Celeborn will require every detail to be perfect in order to ensure complete epic-ness.
I think I may grow my fingernails out. No, I’m not just trying to be weird, like usual, or even trying to make Thranduil or Legolas jealous(but that’s always a plus), but I just think that would be awesome. Then I can use my nails as a weapon! How cool would that be, me just pulling off my gauntlet in the middle of a fight and -shazam!-my enemy drops dead of a poisoned scratch. I do wonder though, how would I keep my nails poisoned and still be able to eat without dying?

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Dear Diary,
Well, the Legolas fiasco went…sort of as planned. Haldir and I did manage to get him drunk, then we dressed him up, and took the pictures just like I’d planned. But after we’d finished photographing him, we took to spinning him around and all of that, but only because he kept laughing and giggling about it. Then Feragith walked in, I seem to remember asking him to come get some stray animal or whatnot, and he looked surprised. Then again, when I think about it, what kind of picture were we presenting? Well, we were all laughing quite amiably and Legolas was in a dress. I now fear that Feragith thinks we are all gay, having a threesome, and like to cross-dress. Which is complete and utter retardation! Even if I did decide to be gay, have a threesome, and cross-dress, it sure wouldn’t be with Haldir and Legolas! I would at least choose two elves with brains, looks, and senses of humor, like myself.
In other news, I made Celeborn cry today(still not my revenge). I asked him if he knew how to dance(I am quite the dancer myself), and he just burst into tears, and sobbed “I told him not to tell anyone!” I must say that it was funny, as Celeborn hardly ever cries and apparently I’ve single-handedly discovered wonderful blackmail, which I shall not share with Haldir or Poopie.
I am in the process of growing my nails out as planned, and it is going very slowly, and annoying me. Especially as I saw fit to tell Poopie I was growing my nails out and he now constantly bothers me about them. He says stuff like “Hey, Orophin, are your nails any longer yet?” “Oh Orophin, don’t cut me with your pretty nails!” We shall see. Oh we shall see.