Neurotic to the Bone

Nobody seemed to get me, nobody except for Frank that is. I swear if I did not have him I would go completely insane. After my parent’s sent me away, I lost it. Apparently, I was too much for them to handle, they didn’t know how to help me. I tried. God knows I tried. It didn’t matter though; I never seemed to get it right. Nothing could shake that empty, sinking feeling. That’s the thing about depression; it’s always there, creeping up behind you. It has a way of consuming your every thought, until it swallows you whole. It’s suffocating. There are moments though. Good moments where it finally feels like you’re free, there’s nothing holding you back. But the bad always has a way of finding you. Coping methods were a dime a dozen. Everyone is always telling you to “just breathe, you’ll get through it.” “Do something that makes you happy.” It sounds good on paper but in reality, it’s pretty shit advice. There were a few things that were able to serve as a distraction for a few moments. Music was a huge part of my life. Ever since I was a kid, my life had revolved around music. I was listening to it, performing it, experiencing it by attending as many shows as possible – it was my saving grace. It was the only thing that made me feel real for a little while. Writing helped too. I had always had an active imagination, creating worlds and characters in my head. I would write about a different life for myself, one where I could be happy. Sort of like an alternate reality, or universe. In this new reality, my parents didn’t have to worry about me because there was nothing to worry about. Everything was fine, I was free to be myself and actually enjoy the things that made me happy. But living in your head could only distract you for so long.

That’s why I’m so thankful for Frank. He came into my life at the perfect moment, just when I really needed someone. Things had been getting worse. Distractions weren’t doing their job anymore and I was stuck in this rut. Feeling sad is one thing, feeling empty is another thing entirely. At least when you’re sad you’re still experiencing some sort of emotion, you could cry or scream and just let it out. When you’re empty you feel nothing. You’re just this hollow shell of a person and there’s no tears, no screaming – just emptiness. I just wanted to feel something – anything. Then it happened, it was so bad. I’ll never forget that night… but it’s okay because after that was when Frank Iero showed up. After that, I finally started feeling again.

Frank Iero was unlike any guy I had ever met before. The first thing I noticed was his eyes. Hazel, but golden and warm like honey. They reminded me of the honey my mom would put in our tea when I was little. His hair was dark and shaggy and it covered half of his face but I didn’t care. It was always so soft, and shiny. He had a ring on the side of his cute button nose and on the side of his bottom lip. Frank had the nicest lips, so lush and pink. The thing that really sent me over the edge was the Misfits tee he had on. We hit it off instantly, getting to know each other better. Before him, I had never met anyone that shared such intense love music as I did. Frank just got me, from the very beginning. We would spend hours talking about our favorite bands, what shows we had been to – what shows to go to next. One of my favorite things was when he would bring his guitar over and just play for hours. Seeing him play is truly magical. Watching his inked fingers strum out chords, how his eyes would slowly close and a tiny smile would appear on his lips. God, he was breathtaking. I couldn’t get enough of him. We never got sick of each other, which was perfect because he had been attached to my side since the day we met. When I fell for him, I fell hard. Frank helped me feel something. He made me feel real, like I was whole again. After feeling so empty, I finally had something to fill the void.

I began to wake up; the lights had started to sting my eyes. I looked around my room. The white walls were almost blinding. I rubbed my eyes and glanced over to see Frank still snoozing. He was curled up against my back, his arm draped around my waist. His nose was pressing into the back of my neck. I shifted around so I could wrap my arms around him. He let out a few sleepy sounds and just tightened his grip and pulled me up so that my face was pressed against the side of his neck. I grinned as he ran his fingers up and down the side of my arm. Frank moved his head down and kissed my forehead softly before finally opening his eyes. He smiled down at me and I felt the corners of my mouth lift. He was so beautiful, you couldn’t help but smile.

“Morning sleepy head,” I said as I nestled my face into his neck.

“Morning gorgeous,” Frank pulled me even closer. I was almost on top of him.

“So, what’s on our to-do-list today?” He asked.

“Absolutely nothing, I just want to lay here with you.” I immediately started protesting as he started poking me in the side saying we had to get up. He just kept saying my name over and over again, dragging out the “a” in Kayla. “Frank, I do not think you understand how warm and comfortable you are,” I said. I swatted his hand and pushed myself up and rest my back against my pillows. He just threw his head back and laughed at me, laughing harder once I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted. “Aw babe, don’t pout. We can’t just stay in bed all day. No matter how tempting that sounds,” he said as he wrapped his arms around me, kissing my cheek and making me grin.

“Fine, if you say so. Hey, maybe I’ll finish that sketch I started yesterday?” I said, glancing over at the sketchbook lying on my bedside table.

“Oh, you mean the sketch you wanted to surprise me with?” he smirked.

“Yes, and no you still can’t see it so don’t even ask. It’s almost done; I just want to add a few more details.”

“Aw, I want to see it now,” Frank pouted. I smiled and picked up my notebook. “Oh now who’s pouting,” I teased him. He just continued making puppy dog eyes at me.

“Oh no, do not even think about giving me those sad, puppy dog eyes.” I put my hand up to his face and slightly pushed him away. He grabbed my hand and just put his face up to mine, still giving me those eyes. “Why? Is it working?” Frank’s pout was replaced by his famous shit-eating grin. I laughed and kissed the tip of his nose.

“Not even a little. I’m getting ready to finish it; as soon as I’m done you can have it. If you keep pouting I’ll just have to keep it.” He dramatically put his hand to his chest and feigned shock. I gave him a smirk of my own and then looked back to open my sketchbook to get started.
“Fine, then you’ll have to wait for your song.” Frank crossed his arms playfully. I furled my brows.

“What song?” I asked.

“The song I wrote for you, I was going to play it for you today but I don’t think I will now.” He looked away.

I poked the side of his face and he giggled, “God, Frank I swear I’m almost done and as soon as I finish you can have your drawing. And you better play me that song; don’t even think I’m going to let you forget it.” Frank threw his hands up, finally agreeing and allowed me to get back to work. He scooted closer to lie against my side, resting his head on my shoulder. He kept trying to steal glances as I worked. I would just flick him on the nose whenever he got too close. When I finally decided it was finished, I turned it around to show him. His eyes lit up and he grabbed my sketchbook. He slowly ran his fingers over the lines; carefully like he was afraid of altering the sketch. It was a picture of him from the other day. He was sitting on my bed with his guitar in his hands; he always looked so beautiful when he was playing. I was captivated by him, looking so passionate while he did what he did best. I couldn’t help but get inspired. He gave me a huge grin as he sat my book down on his lap. He leaned over and grabbed my shoulders, pulling me closer so he could embrace me.

“It’s perfect, just like everything else you do. I love it.” My heart felt like it was about to swell and burst out of my chest. I smiled into his neck as I tightened my grip on him. He just kept repeating “thank you” over and over again in my ear.

I pulled away and pushed his shoulders away and clasped my hands together. “Alright, now it is time for you to play me my song.” He grinned and he went over to grab his guitar. He came back and sat on the edge of my bed. I moved closer and pulled my legs up to my chest, resting my head on my knees as I looked over, expectantly.

“Okay, here goes nothing. Please be gentle, I can’t sing worth shit but I just…you just really inspired me.” I lightly hit his shoulder and encouraged him to start playing. Everything he did was unreal. There’s not a chance in hell that I would ever not love anything he did. I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head about the fact that I had inspired him to write a song. A year ago I never would have imagined this ever happening to me. Sitting here with someone that I loved, someone that felt just as strongly about me – it was like a dream. I don’t know how or why he came into my life, but I’m glad he did. I could feel my heart race as he began strumming his guitar. He looked up into my eyes and I smiled as the words began to flow from his mouth.

“Hold you as wave’s crash down on the Jersey Shore.
Can't think of a time when I needed this more.
Your skin is so pale reflecting the moon's glow.
Please don't talk too much baby, I don't wanna know.”

I could tell that I had this dreamy look on my face as I watched him. His fingers were moving so effortlessly, pouring his heart out as he continued to play. The smile on his face grew as he glanced over at me. “Breathe on your neck, make knots with our fingers” - as soon as he began on the next verse, there was a knock at the door. I looked over at Frank and rolled my eyes, he laughed.

I walked over to open the door to my room and a nurse came in, I frowned. It’s not that I didn’t like her; she was actually one of the nicer ones. I just didn’t like it when they interrupted my time with Frank. I fiddled with the hem of my shirt and sighed. I hated this part. It’s been like this ever since that night. I never meant for it to be this way. I just didn’t want to feel empty anymore. That night I wanted to – no, I needed to feel something again; it just didn’t go as planned. I didn’t mean to go so deep. My mom was screaming, there was so much… I just wanted to feel something – that’s all. That’s when they sent me away. The doctors here are great but nothing could fix what happened that night. It was always there in the back of my mind, haunting me. The red, the screams, and then darkness – it was all I could think about. They said I was “traumatized” and wanted to help me cope. Except none of their coping methods were working. But soon enough, Frank came into my life. Suddenly I stopped thinking about it. The nightmares started becoming less frequent, the flashbacks stopped. I wasn’t empty anymore. He helped me get through it. My nurse smiled at me, I struggled to return one of my own.

“Hello, Ms. Anderson, how are you today?”

“I really wish you guys would start calling me Kayla,” I rolled my eyes. I heard Frank snicker behind me. She just continued smiling at me and pulled out my chart.

“Well then, Kayla, It’s time for you to take your medicine. Also, your appointment with your counselor starts in five minutes. I was told to come get you so I could walk you to your appointment.” Her smile was still present, but her eyes were stern. You try to skip one or two appointments and they make a nurse escort you, that way you can’t miss anything – even if you wanted to. She held out a small cup with two pills in it. I took it from her and threw the pills back. She then handed me another small cup filled with water so I could swallow. I hated taking medicine. I keep trying to tell them that I’m fine, I don’t need it anymore. They never listen. They just write more prescriptions and then try to make it harder for me to see Frank. That’s what I loathed the most. Frank was the only thing making me better; they just didn’t see it that way. That’s because they don’t see him the way I do. It always backfires because it just made me want to see him even more. I opened my mouth to show her that I actually swallowed the pills. She seemed pleased and turned to throw away the cups and asked me if I was ready to go.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. I turned to face Frank and I pointed at him, “and you better be ready to finish playing me that song when I get back.” He lifted his hand to salute me, “whatever you say, Captain.” I laughed and turned to head out the door but the nurse was slightly blocking the way. She had a serious look on her face, gripping her clipboard a little tighter.

“Kayla, who are you talking to?” She said slowly. Her eyes scanned my room before meeting mine again. I let out a deep sigh, not this again.

“I’m talking to Frank. Who else would I be talking to?” I huffed and angled my body towards the bed and nodded in Frank’s direction.

“Miss, there’s no one on your bed.”