Walls

Time froze. Everything stopped. I wasn’t even sure if Jack was breathing anymore. He just stared at me, his eyes digging deep into mine, searching for some hint that I was only joking. His hands remained still at the bottom hem of my shirt, the skin of his knuckles touching my flesh. He finally let out an exasperated breath like he’d been under water for too long.

“You’re, you’re…” he tried. I felt terrible for throwing it on him like I did, but I had to. I never didn’t want sex, so I had to have an excuse. I couldn’t lie to him anymore. “I’m pregnant,” I repeated for the third time.

“I heard you,” he whispered. He didn’t blink for a while, but just continued to gaze into my eyes.

“Could you say something then?” I asked. “Anything, would be fine.” I felt my stomach sinking down to my back, filling me with an uneasy notion. I broke the intense eye contact with Jack and stared at the ceiling behind his head. I wanted to disappear, or at least gather all of my previous words and suck them back into me, so I could pretend I’d never told him. But this was reality, and I couldn’t do such a thing.

Jack sat up and scooted himself to the edge of my bed. Once my arms were free I covered my eyes with my palms, preparing myself for the worse. Once again, he was motionless as he tried to register what was happening. I leaned up and sat next to him, equally still and quiet.

“When did this happen?” he asked, his voice barely loud enough for me to hear. I slumped slightly. “Well, there have been many incidents when this could have happened. I’m not exactly sure which one sealed the deal,” I stated.

“How long have you known?”

All he was doing was asking me simple questions that I more than likely knew the answers to, but it felt more like I was being questioned about a murder. “I just found out Wednesday.”

He finally looked at me with eyes full of emotion. Granted it wasn’t the emotion I would have liked, but it was something. “You’ve known for four days that you were pregnant and you didn’t tell me?!” he asked, his voice much louder.

“Listen, Jack I’m sorry. I know I should’ve told you earlier but I was afraid. You’re not the only one who’s freaked out about this whole thing you know. I have to be extra careful with everything that I do. I can’t drink. I can’t party. I can’t do anything I want to. You have it easy compared to what I’ve been going through. I puke every morning, no matter what. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you because I don’t even know if I want a kid. I’m only twenty, you know?”

He looked down at my stomach. I caught him cringe as if my stomach just flipped inside out or something. He looked appalled. “Do you know what it is yet?”

I shook my head. “I’m guessing its way too soon for that. I don’t know how far along I am, so.”

Jack sat still for a moment or two and stood up. He paced back and forth in front of me, a sarcastic smile forming on his lips. “I can’t believe I knocked a girl up,” he chuckled. I could hear the angst in his tone and a fragment of my heart chipped away.

“Is that what you’re going to consider this then? You just ‘knocked me up’ like it’s nothing important?” I sneered.

He stopped his pacing and shook his head. “Look, Lydia, I love you. You know I do, but, I can’t have a kid. I just can’t do it. I’m not ready. I can’t possibly do this.”

“You can’t ignore it either. Whether you like it or not Jack this baby is a part of you. You can’t just pretend like it doesn’t exist. It has just as much of you in it as it does me. We can talk about this-“

I was cut off by Jack scrunching his face unpleasantly. “I can’t do this right now. I’m so sorry Lyd. I just can’t.” He walked out of my room and a second later I heard the front door shut. I will admit, his reaction wasn’t exactly how I imagined it. It was much worse.