Walls

That night I slept in regret and disappointment, so I wasn’t in the best mood when I woke up the next morning. My no caffeine diet wasn’t doing me much justice, as I desperately needed a cup of coffee. I fixed myself a glass of apple juice as a substitute and walked out my front door to get some fresh air. I sat on the small ivory bench on the porch and pulled my legs to my chest, hugging them as I took in the Maryland weather.

I was never one to cry over a situation. You could almost always expect me to have dry eyes. Nothing could break me down. But ‘almost’ came into play when I thought about Jack, and how he walked out. I didn’t sob or bawl, but I allowed a few little tears to slip out of the corner of my eyes. It wasn’t like me, but nothing was going right at that moment. I swiped my finger under my eye to clear my face of any evidence.

A few minutes later, Jack’s car pulled slowly into my driveway. I straightened up a bit and took in a deep breath, held it in and let it go to calm my now raging nerves. He sat in his car for a minute before getting out and I watched as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, the other shoved in his pocket. He stared at his feet the whole way until he walked up the two steps and made eye contact with me. It was still and calm and earth shattering. He looked so hurt and confused. I felt another wave of tears wash over my eyes but I blinked them away. Jack took a few more steps to the door and opened it.

“We should talk,” he said quietly. It was so strange. Jack was never this quiet or stable, and I knew why, but the fact that it had shaken him so completely tore me apart. He walked in the house and I soon stood to follow, shutting the door behind me. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, his elbows on his knees and his head hanging. I sat in the chair beside him.

“What are we going to do Lydia?” he asked, picking his head up so we could have a decent conversation.

“Well, the way I see it, I have three options,” I sighed.

“We,” he said. I tilted my head, and he sat up. “We have three options. I’m not letting you do this alone. It was partially my mistake, and I’m going to take responsibility for it.”

A thousand pounds were lifted off of my shoulders when he told me he was going to do what he had to. “Ok, well we can either get an abortion-“ he cringed “-give it up for adoption, or keep it.”

Jack nodded. “So technically, we only have two choices. There’s no way in hell I’d kill that baby.” I nodded my agreement quickly. I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to live with myself if I went through with an abortion. “So it’s come down to adoption, or keeping it,” I said, playing idly with my fingers.

The state of concentration and deep thinking returned once our options were narrowed down to two. Jack seemed to really be contemplating what he wanted to do. He finally shook his head and sighed, annoyed. “I don’t want a kid right now. I don’t want to have to think about if the baby has enough food or diapers or anything. I’m too young to go through with that. It’s too soon for this.”

I wanted whatever Jack wanted. I cared too much about him to do something that would push him away, and if he didn’t want a baby, then I didn’t want it either. It pained me to think that way though. It was surprising to think that I’d grown a little attached, and that I’d formed some sort of bond between myself and the baby in such a short amount of time. I loved it, but I didn’t know it like I knew Jack. I nodded my head in agreement to his words, trying not to think about it.

“What do you want to do?” he asked, looking me square in the eyes as if to try and pressure me into agreeing with him. I wanted to keep the baby, but I wanted to keep Jack too, and I was realizing I couldn’t have both. “I’ll do whatever you want,” I said in a hushed voice.

He smiled and laughed quickly. It sounded like a sigh of relief. “Ok. Tomorrow we’ll go ahead and look for parents who are adopting. We should get started as soon as possible. Thanks so much for understanding Lydia,” he grinned. He walked over to me and pulled me out of the chair, wrapping me in his warm yet chilling embrace. I looped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. It was going to be a long and emotionally draining nine months.