Rachael, It's All or Nothing

12: With You I Know That I’m [Good] For Something

I woke up in the middle of the night just as thunder cracked and lightening forked across the sky. I rolled over, but found the bed suspiciously empty. Maybe, I thought, Kody was in Jonathan’s bed. It was highly unlikely, but I liked it more than the alternative of her just not being here.

“Jon,” I whispered, although I don’t know why. I was trying to wake up the only other person in the room.

He didn’t stir, so I got up and crawled over the unused half of the bed. My voice rose a little the second time I said his name, but not by much. He was asleep in the furthest half of the bed from mine (I couldn’t help but notice sourly), and I had to reach out and touch him gently.

He startled awake, which startled me. I crawled back so I was at a safe distance from him, and eyed him. “Why do you have to be such a freak and wake up like that?”

He ignored me, naturally, and said, “I always knew I’d get you into bed.”

I scowled and hit him with the unused pillow. “Save your lame pick up lines for later. Where’s Kody? I texted her when we got back from the zoo, and she hasn’t answered me!” As if to prove my point, I grabbed my phone from the little table that separated our beds and waved it in his face.

“Maybe she found a guy and went home with him.”

“Or maybe she’s dying in an alley!”

He rolled his eyes at me and stretched out so he was leaning on one arm. He still hadn’t done me the courtesy of sitting all the way up, though. “Kody isn’t the type of person to get killed in an alley.”

I felt a little defensive of my friend. “And why the hell not?”

He watched me carefully, and I could tell he was choosing his words carefully. “You’d be much easier to get control of.”

I hugged the pillow close to my chest. I didn’t want to think about either one of us being dead in an alley, truth be told. I’d much rather have Jonathan save me.

Since I had remained quiet for so long, Jonathan must have felt obligated to say something, or at least explain himself. “You’re smaller than she is, Rachael. I can probably pin both your hands with one of mine, hold your jaw with my other hand, and stand on both your feet. How would you get away?”

I was only flushing because I knew he was right. If someone attacked me who was of reasonable size and strength, I wouldn’t stand a chance. “How would you shoot me?” I lashed out with a pout.

He sighed as if I had just asked the stupidest thing in the world. “There are other ways to hold you down while shooting you.”

I looked away, uncomfortable with where this conversation was going. I knew there were other ways of subduing me – sit on my waist and hold my arms. Effective and easy, since almost everyone outweighed me.

“I wouldn’t let it happen to you, Rachael,” he said after a moment, his voice very soft.

I had to look at him.

“I mean it, so don’t look like that.”

I wasn’t aware he knew what I was thinking.

I sighed and crawled closer to the head of the bed so I was closer to him. He had finally sat up so he was level with me, and his eyes grew pensive the closer I got. I wound my arms around him and buried my head in the curve of his neck. I was going to hold him to that.
---
Kody still wasn’t back when I woke up the next morning at eleven. During my shower, I decided I was going to worry about her all day until she came back. That is, until Jonathan mentioned breakfast (or rather, lunch, now).

“Free breakfast,” he told me, as we stood in the elevator.

I nodded. I was going to eat a bagel.

“The last time I was in an elevator with you, you were manhandling me and you alienated me from one of my neighbours,” I said thoughtfully.

I caught him stiffening beside me, so I looked at him curiously. “What’s wrong?”

“The last time you were in an elevator with me was when you thought I was trying to kill you,” he murmured awkwardly.

I too stiffened. Oh yeah. I had unintentionally hurt him. “Sorry,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it,” he immediately said.

But I had to. He was closing himself off again like he did that day. I hit a nerve, so to speak, but I didn’t want to stop just so he could like the wound. “What did I do?” I ventured tentatively.

“Nothing – don’t worry about it, Rachael.”

I huffed, and reached forward to stop the elevator. I could feel a prickling sensation shoot up my spine, but I reminded myself that Jonathan told me he wasn’t going to let me die. I inhaled and steadied myself in front of him.

A ghost of a smirk appeared on his face as he looked down at me. “You’re shaking,” he noted.

“I stopped the elevator for you. Now tell me what I did.”

My voice was shaking too, but he didn’t say anything about that. The door slid open behind me, and I turned to see an elderly couple with a young child trying to enter the elevator. “Occupied!” I said sweetly.

The looked like I had another head on my shoulders, but still kept coming in. “Look,” I sighed, “you can stay on if you want, but if you had any kind of scruples, you wouldn’t let your kid watch.”

Their eyes drifted to the spot where my hand was under Jon’s t-shirt. I was just stroking his stomach, but they didn’t know that. On a side note, his skin is smooth. Jon really took the performance home by draping his arm languidly across my shoulders.

Their appalled looks were enough to send me over the rainbow, but I settled for just grinning wildly when they wordlessly guided their kid out of the elevator. I backed away from Jonathan as soon as the doors slid closed again. “I just really want to know,” I said. “You looked so hurt, that I –” I was chocking on my words, and I’m sure my eyes were shining when I looked at him. “I know you said you wouldn’t let me get killed in an alley, Jon, and I don’t care how you take this, but I would never intentionally hurt you. I mean, some days I want to beat you with a big hammer, but I wouldn’t ever set out to emotionally kill you, you know? So when you didn’t get off with me, I cried that night.”

He held my chin up and tried his hardest not to laugh at the fact that I was crying. “Rachael, I will always get off when you get off.”

I scowled. The way he said it made it sound so dirty. I slugged him in the arm. “You are way inappropriate, Jonathan Toews. I am crying for you, and you’re talking about getting off.”

The humor left his face. “Annoying when you stop the elevator and nothing goes as planned, hmm?”

He let go of my face, stepped away so I breathe again, and started the elevator. I exhaled noisily. What a bitch.

Four more floors to go.

I just cried in front of him and basically told him I’d never hurt him! And what does he do? Practically laughs in my face. God I’m going so red right now. Stupid Irish blood…

Three more floors to go.

I tried to remember his demeanor of the day on the elevator – maybe I had just missed something. He was teasing, yet serious. He had the same look on his face when he told me in the hotel room that he didn’t like to squish females.

Two more floors to go.

Come to think of it, when I went to go apologize to him at his apartment, after I tackled him to the ground and he flipped me over, he had the same look on his face.

One more floor to go.

And we all know what happened that day outside his apartment.

Ground floor.

The doors dinged open, and I squawked loudly. How did I not know he wanted to kiss me? For fuck’s sakes, you can always tell when someone’s about to kiss you. Jesus Christ that’s so fucking embarrassing – and he had wanted to do it in the hotel too.

“Rachael, are you coming?”

I looked at Jonathan. He seemed to have gotten over it already, but there was still something settling behind his eyes. “Are you okay? You look a little pale…”

“You were going to kiss me?” I squeaked, my hands shaking.

He looked taken back, but quickly recovered. “Come on Rachael, this elevator’s going to buzz if I keep holding the doors open.”

“You wanted to kiss me, and I did that and you let me get off the elevator?”

“I don’t want to talk about this now,” he sighed.

“Did you want to kiss me?” I asked slowly.

He looked at me straight on. He didn’t blink, and he didn’t look away. Finally, he sighed. “Yes.”

“And in the hotel?”

“Yes.”

I groaned.

“And in the airplane.”

I shrieked. And in the airplane? How many more times had I completely missed this? “Do you want to kiss me now?”

He didn’t bat an eyelash. “Yes.”

My voice left me. I couldn’t answer, as Jon looked at me. What could I say? If you had kissed me, you idiot, I would have let you! Yes, I could say that, and he would have promptly pointed and laughed at me.

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Rachael. Let’s get some breakfast.” He turned and started walking away from me.

“For the record, I would have let you, you know,” I called after him.

He stopped, his shoulders squaring off and his back tensing. I think I’m going to kill him, one day. Accidentally, of course.

He was back in the elevator before I could bat an eye. He pushed me up against the back wall, and kissed me so hard I forgot what I was going to say next.
---
What do you do with a guy you came three seconds from pulling into a closet and having your way with him? Had that girl not cleared her throat, I – I didn’t want to think about what I was going to do to him, and what I was going to let him do to me.

We sat quietly at a table, and I have never felt so uncomfortable around him before. What did this all mean? I struggled to think about anything other than the fact that he wanted me.

He had said that in the hotel too.

I was just too caught up with the man-eating spider to notice.

God I am such a loser.

“Rachael?”

I jumped a foot in the air when he spoke my name. I tried to look him in the eye, like I had always been able to do, but found myself staring at his forehead instead.

“Are you avoiding me?” he asked. Even though I couldn’t see the look in his eyes, I immediately picked up the taunting tone in his voice.

“I’m sitting with you, aren’t I?” I snapped, glaring in his direction.

“Sitting with me and being with me are two completely different things.”

That damn sneaky little bastard got me there. So I leaned forward onto the table with my elbow, like he had done, and fluttered my eyelashes at him. “I hate you, Mr. Toews.”

“Well I happen to find you utterly delightful.”

Okay wow. Sarcastic much?

“Charming, as ever,” I sighed with a roll of my eyes.

“You think I’m charming,” he stated. (It would have been polite for him to phrase it like a question.)

“I was being sarcastic.”

“No you weren’t. In addition to being wildly attracted to me, you find me charming.”

I was appalled by his choice of language. I was not wildly attracted to him… that made me sound like I had no control over my baser instincts.

Which I totally did, by the way.

“You know the longer you go without speaking only furthers my point.”

I blushed a bright red, I’m sure. I could feel my face getting warmer before his eyes sparkled dangerously. “I am not attracted to you.”

“Want to bet?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Mr. Toews, you are on.”

A look of satisfaction flashed over his face. “How long?”

“One month.”

He stood up, coming around towards my side of the table. I shook his outstretched hand, to be polite, but he ended up yanking me into a standing position. My body crashed into his with such force, that I was actually a bit stunned. His free arm curled around my waist and held me in place.

“Get ready for the best month of your life,” he told me with a very smug smirk on his face. Then he let go of me, leaving me to scowl at his back.

“Why?” I yelled across the dining room, “are you suddenly going to drop dead?”

He just gestured at me blindly over his head.

So much for liking the time we spent together.
---
“Kody!” I screeched, hopping over the scattered suitcases and clothes lying on the floor, and practically tackling her out in the hallway. “You have been gone for two days! I was going to file a police report, but Jon wouldn’t let me.” I glared over my shoulder at the hockey player who was nursing his eye with a towel of ice. He wouldn’t look at me.

She gently guided me off her so she could stand. “I’m sorry Rachael, it’s just… family stuff.”

I followed her back into the hotel room, and let the door swing shut behind us. “What do you mean? Who lives in New York that you’re related to?”

There was a blip of silence, and then, “my father.”

I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing came out. Jonathan didn’t know what I did, so he just looked back and forth between us. He didn’t pry, though, for which I was grateful.

“You mean your dead father?” I squeaked.

Kody laughed cruelly, and rounded on me. “Did you know he wasn’t dead? Twenty years of my life were spent unaware of the fact that my father didn’t die in a car accident like she told me, he just left us!”

I cowered away from the way she advanced on me. She shook her head, but I could tell there was some built up emotion in her. “My mom died without telling me my dad was alive. All of my life I looked up to her, because she was the strong single mother, you know? And now I find out that she’s a lying bitch who couldn’t handle the goddamn truth.”

I cringed at how much venom was seeping into her words. She was angry, and rightfully so, but I just hoped she didn’t take it out on me. My eyes darted briefly to Jonathan, but he was still just watching us.

“And then one day!” Kody continued, her eyes brimming with tears, “I get a phone call from my dad. No explanation of how he got my number, no apology for being M.I.A for most of my life. All he said was come to New York.”

“And that’s why you asked me to get money from my dad,” I nodded quietly. It was starting to make sense.

“I didn’t want to come alone,” she admitted quietly. “You’re a spastic little terror, Rachael, but you keep me grounded.”

That was the most insulting compliment I’ve ever received.

She laughed out loud, as if it was going to take away her pain. “Want to know why he asked me to come to New York? To tell me in person he’s dying. That’s fucking messed up Rachael! I wouldn’t be able to pick this man out of a line up, he’s been gone for so long, but yet at the same time I know it’s him. It’s my dad. The one that I was supposed to have that would threaten boys when I was younger and tell me they were all pigs. And he calls me to tell me he needs me to come. So, like the childish person I am, I believed he wanted to pick up the slack. No. He wants to make everything right in his life before he dies. And I was something wrong that he had to fix.”

Her monologue continued, although I’m not sure what she said. Jonathan was making a crude gesture at me, and I couldn’t look away. “Don’t make that hand gesture at me!” I yelled, upon recognizing what he was doing.

Kody stopped right in her tracks. She looked at me first, and then over her shoulder at Jonathan. The laugh she let out this time was genuine, as opposed to the I-sacrifice-babies-to-Satan laugh she was doing before. “God Rachael,” she sighed, wiping the tears away from her face. “I forgot how easy it was to laugh at you.”

I scowled, but let her hug me anyways. Just like that, all the tension she was creating in the room disappeared. Then I heard, “Jesus Jon, what happened to your face?”

I looked over my shoulder, at Jon, who was stretched out on the bed. Kody, I noticed, was looking at him like she hadn’t noticed him yet. “Ask your worried counterpart over there,” he mumbled sourly.

When Kody look at me, I grinned widely. “I punched him.”

A look of horror crossed her face. “Why?”

“We were boxing,” I started with a sigh.

“So you actually hit him?”

I eyed her. “No. He touched my ass and then I punched him.”

She struck a pose, and I suddenly knew she wasn’t happy with me. I copied her pose, but she didn’t find it funny.

“God, you two. Can I not leave you alone for even a little while?”

“No,” I pouted, “because he starts hitting on me.”

She rolled her eyes. “How terrible it must be to have a good looking guy hit on you.”

Jon laughed loudly from his spot on the bed. I rounded on him. “She called you hot! How come you don’t make fun of her?”

He looked at me seriously. “Because I like you.”

“And you don’t like her?”

“I like both of you. I just don’t want to fuck her.”

I grew frustrated, but didn’t say anything. “See?” I said to Kody, “he can’t help himself!”

She groaned. “That’s it, I’m leaving.”
---
I was going to win at least once before we left New York. We were going to dinner, just him and I, since Kody had opted out due to the fact that she “didn’t want to bare witness to our childish games in public”. Her words, not mine.

We walked into a restaurant just a block from our hotel. It was an authentic Chinese place, and even though the outside looked a little sketchy, the inside was way nicer.

As the hostess was seating us, I noticed a middle-aged couple staring at us. I tugged on Jon’s sleeve. “Your fans are creepy,” I whispered when he bent his head down.

He gave me a sideways glance, a ghost of a smile on his face, but didn’t say anything. I scrunched my nose. That was weird. He made no comment.

When we sat down, whispers followed us. “Have you ever gone up to a table and just started signing stuff?” I wondered out loud.

Jonathan, obviously caught off guard due to the surprised look on his face, grinned. “No, that wouldn’t make me very humble, would it?”

I shrugged. “It would make you a bit more human.”

“Oh?” The tone in his voice made him sound interested. I opened my eyes as I set my glass of water down.

“Yeah. You’re damn good at what you do, Jonny Boy. Why shouldn’t you have a bit of an ego?” I remarked calmly.

His grin stretched. “You think I’m a good hockey player?” he asked.

I leaned forward on my elbows. “I’ve got eyes, love. I see the way you move on the ice.”

“Want to see the way I move –”

I held my hand up. “Do not say bedroom.”

“Well what am I supposed to say then? Sauna?”

I cracked a grin. Sauna was just so random. “If you had, I would have laughed.”

He looked down at his menu. “I like your laugh.”

The grin promptly dropped from my face. That was a little too sincere. Little bastard is trying to win again. So I brushed away the comment, and thought about kicking puppies until my heartbeat returned to normal. While Jon kept his eyes down, I looked around.

Most people recognized him, but no one was coming up to talk to us. “You have some kind of respect, Toews. I’m impressed.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw his head lift. His eyes were on mine when I turned to him. His face was carefully blank, so I smiled. “Isn’t it nice that even though they probably all want to talk to you, they’re giving you your space?”

He shrugged. “It’s because you’re here. If you were anyone famous they’d be right up here talking like they somehow know me.”

I pursed my lips thoughtfully. As much as he enjoyed playing hockey, he probably could do without all the attention he received from everywhere he went. I didn’t have anything else to say, so I just looked down at the menu.

A shadow fell over our table, and I looked up. An elderly man was standing at our table, with a kind smile on his face. “I know you two are here to have dinner, and I hope I’m not ruining it by asking this, but can I have your autograph?” He had, of course, directed the last part to Jon.

Jonathan looked apologetically across the table at me, but I shrugged with a smile. It was probably going to make this man’s night if Jon signed the hat he held in his hand, so why not?

With a very hearty thank you, the man retreated back to his table. “I think you just made his night.”

“Want me to make your night?”

I rolled my eyes and nudged his shin with my foot. “That’s inappropriate table talk,” I announced lightly.

Jon sighed. “Fine. I’ll change my answer to I have an image to uphold.”

I kicked him hard in the shin. His knee hit the table, and he cursed loud enough for everyone to turn around. “Fuck, Rachael.”

“Not here, baby,” I cooed sweetly, but loud enough that the onlookers heard me.

He narrowed his eyes at me. Perhaps being caught in a conversation like that wasn’t good for his ‘image’.

“I win,” I sang patronizingly.