Rachael, It's All or Nothing

14: We’ve Got Our [Backs] Against the Ocean

It had been Friday when Jonathan had sprung the best news of my life on me. The three of us – Jon, Kody and I – had been sitting around my coffee table when he’d said it.

“I’m going back to Manitoba for a week,” he said, trying to be nonchalant.

I had been gazing out the window, thinking about what it would be like to be like Spiderman, but as soon as I heard Jon’s voice, I snapped to attention. I had looked at him for a second, his words slowly making sense in my brain.

I had cracked a huge grin, turning my body to face him. “Are you serious?” I breathed, leaning towards him to study his face.

He had blinked once. “No. I just thought it would be fun to lie right there.”

I had scoffed and pulled away. “Jackass.”

I couldn’t have been happier when he told me he was leaving for a week – I didn’t know what to expect, but I already believed it was going to be wonderful without him. No one else was going to push me into Chicago Lake.

There was a knock at my door, and I froze. Three more frantic knocks came at my door, before I reacted. I narrowed my eyes at the door. Jonathan was impatient when I didn’t answer the door right away. He better not be home four days early – I was finally getting used to the idea of not having him around.

I swung open the door, ready to be completely pissed off, but instead I froze. It wasn’t Jonathan. My heart stalled for a second, and I gapped like a fish. “Rachael?” Kody’s voice floated to my ears, but I didn’t retain her words.

I was hyperventilating. Why had I thought it was going to be Jonathan? But then I realized something – “When have you ever knocked on my door?” I basically accused her of being crazy.

She waved me off and pushed her way into my apartment. “Ever since I realized that you and Jonathan still haven’t fucked each other, and I figured you’d need some way to relieve all your sexual frustration.”

I flushed. Implying I would sit at home and… touch myself… made my cheeks burn. So I snapped on her like I would have Jonathan. “Jonathan and I are never going to screw each other. Ever.”

She turned and raised a critical eyebrow at me. “Really?” She asked in dry disbelief, “so there’s another reason you two go at it like two hormonally charged teenagers?”

I bit my lip from cursing at her.

“I mean, come on Rachael! Do you need him to have a giant neon sign above his head?”

Why would he have a giant neon sign hanging above his head?

Kody rolled her eyes, apparently at the naivety playing across my face. “He took us to New York, bought you a stuffed flamingo – which you coincidentally named Jonathan…” she trailed off and gave me a pointed look.

What was that look for? Was Jonathan not a good name for a huge fluorescent stuffed flamingo? I was slowly losing steam. I had no idea what was going on.

Her eyes widened dramatically, just a few minutes later, when she realized I wasn’t playing dumb – I really was dumb. “You don’t know what I’m talking about?”

I shook my head.

“So he shows up at your place – uninvited – all the time. He goes around and asks about you and where you are so he can be at the same places as you. He got you hockey tickets. He gave you his expensive watch.”

She paused, but I wasn’t following, so she continued. “He purposely picks on you because he wants a reaction from you.”

That got my attention. “Why would he purposely pick on me?”

“Because he likes you.” Kody was practically shaking me at this point – I had to step away from her so she didn’t suddenly grab me.

I felt for the watch around my wrist. It was still there. Kody caught the movement and looked down at my wrist. “You’re still wearing that watch?”

“It’s a nice watch!” I defended.

She gave me a look that was suspiciously a lot like the one she gave me when I was just furthering her point. I didn’t like proving her points, so I dropped my wrist and stomped my foot. “You don’t pick on girls you like, you pick on girls you don’t like. Your logic is stupid.”

She straightened her back, thus dwarfing me like Jon would have, and crossed her arms over her chest. “Really? When he picks on you, how many times do you completely ignore him?”

None – but only because he make it impossible for me to ignore him.

“Right. Because whether or not it’s positive attention, he always has your full and undivided attention when he picks on you.”

That was stupid. We weren’t in Junior High anymore.

“Were you jealous when you saw that chick coming out of his apartment?”

I gapped like a fish. “How – When – Why –” I gave up. Words were completely failing me.

Kody grinned at having finally elicited a true reaction from me. “She’s his cousin – her name’s Stacy. I know because when he told me about what happened in the hallway,” she sent me a knowing wink, “he told me about her. Did you even think to ask about her, or did you just assume he was dating her?”

I didn’t dignify that with a response. Of course I had just jumped to conclusions – Jonathan was hot, and – I shrieked and covered my mouth with my hands. I did not just think that about him.

“And oh my God. He must actually move the ground from under your feet when you two kiss. You look like a complete loser after it happens.”

I didn’t react to her. Did I really think Jonathan was hot? I tried to picture him. His brown hair never lay flat, but it was always clean. His smooth angled facial features – a mouth that was always quirked in one direction like he knew something I didn’t, and clear brown eyes that told me anything I wanted to know. I scowled at the floor. I was physically attracted to him, alright. But that didn’t mean I liked him. Right?

“I need you to leave,” I told her suddenly. She stopped talking, naturally, even though I hadn’t heard a word she’d said.

She nodded her head to me, evenly, and left. Somehow she knew what had just happened in my brain.
---
I think there is something wrong with me. It was day four of seven. I was out, walking down Michigan Ave, under the bright sun. It was warm today, obviously putting me in a good mood, and I felt the need to stroll down the cement walkway. Yes, stroll. Not walk.

“And then I told him to kick the ball or else the other team was going to get it.” I turned sharply, hearing a deep tenor male voice from behind me.

My heart raced, but all I found was a young, blonde-haired blue-eyed guy chatting on his cell phone. He stepped around me, without so much as a glance, and continued walking.

I breathed out in relief. I thought he was Jon. And that’s what confused me. Yes, Jon had a deep voice, but lots of males have deep voices. Jon wasn’t unique in that department. But yeah – that was the first encounter where I thought I was going crazy.

The second time was two days later – day six of seven. I saw a flock of pigeons on the street, and even though a part of me wanted to run into the fray, I remembered what Jonathan had told me not to do in New York. That promptly reminded me of everything that had happened in that state.

I like both of you. I just don’t want to fuck her. I had blown him off when he said that. I had been outraged, but not scarred. I guess, because part of me knew he’d be the deepest notch in my bed post.

You want me just as much as I want you. That could have been true – I mean, he did tend to corner me against anything he could find. Then he would either pin me with his hips, or slide his hands along my jaw. Sometimes even both. Then he would look at me, and smile, and I knew it was genuine. I just… I melted.

I noticed, with morbid fascination, that my heart was breaking just thinking about it. I needed to go home.

And I did. I went back to my apartment, and promptly grabbed Jonathan, my florescent pink flamingo. If it were a real bird, it would be dead because I was squishing it so harshly to my chest. It reminded me of the real thing. Metaphorically, of course. Jon didn’t look like a bird. Sighing, I looked over to my haphazard dresser, and saw a shirt neatly folded, just sitting on top.

I reached out to grab it, and then I realized what it was.

Without warning, I burst into tears. My throat ached and my forehead pounded. He was always on my mind, and without him here, I was jumpy. And why did everything remind me of Jonathan? Why did I think about him during the most random moments?

Because I missed his stupid skinny white-boy French-Canadian ass. And that’s what really broke my heart.