Assurance

I remember a Britney Spears interview about a year about ago when they asked her how did she recover from breaking up with Justin Timberlake and she starting crying. "I didn't know what to do with myself." she sniffled into the camera.

That's exactly how I felt now.

I didn't know what to do with myself this week. I dressed without conviction, blurred through all of my classes and drove home as soon as the bell rang everyday. There was no surprise, no excitement besides the piping hot chocolate Corey left in my locker on Wednesday. I wish I could say I through my mobile out of a window in anger of Oliver calling so much, but I had lost it in the frenzy of that tragic day. I literally had no connection with the outside world for a week.

I wanted him back. I wanted him to be back so much it hurt. I wanted him to show up in my room and I would pretend to be so horribly mad at him and then try to push him away again. I wanted to put up a fight, not just let me go. I needed to know that he needed me as much as I needed him. I wanted to erase it all.

It's better than to have loved, then never to have loved at all. I call bullshit. If I couldn't have him then I wanted to erase it all. Erase everything that's happened over the past few months if this whole in my chest would come to a close. This can't be over, this isn't the end.

I've never self so alone in my whole life.

I was sitting in the living room ready to fall asleep on the couch when there was a hard knock on my door. I jumped, my heart flickering to the boy who never ceased to leave my mind.

"Open the door Kris, if fucking freezing out here!" yelled the male counterpart on the other side. I lit up and threw the door ope.

"You all are good for just showing up." I said before embracing Tom. He really was the most adorable little guy.

"Well I had to get a hold of you somehow!" he laughed before getting out of the cold. He was shivering. "You better have lost your mobile, cause if you've been avoiding me this much you've got he'll to pay." he said before making a beeline to my kitchen. "I'd like a steaming hot chocolate, extra sweet for my payment of coming over here." I couldn't help but laugh and got a kettle to boil milk.

"Anything else sir?"

"I'd like to know why my brother is moping about, but some crackers are fine." he smirked and I couldn't help but laugh at his simple face.

"You're adorable Tom, you know that?"

"Of course I know it. I gotta beat bitches off me with a stick!" he said thugly and I burst out laughing. He tried to keep a straight face but faltered and joined my hysterics.

"You're too much Tom." I sighed.

"Before I beat whatever happened out of you, I did come over here for a reason besides my brother." he said rubbing the back of his neck, the same way his brother did out of nervousness.

"Spit it out Tommy."

"Well it's this whole engagement ordeal, Zee doesn't want to do it." he whispered.

"she doesn't want to get married anymore?!" I yelled and he immediately threw a hand over my mouth.

"Calm down you nutter!" he laughed. "She does want to get married, without having to go through all the shit of getting married, you know?"

"No....I don't know." I trailed.

"She wants a wedding, I know she does. But she doesn't want to put herself through all the stress of planning something like that, so I was thinking maybe you could uh-"

"I WOULD LOVE TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING!" I screamed while throwing my hands around his neck.

"Good!" he laughed while playfully pushing me off of him. "You really don't have a choice, but yeah. You don't have to get started for a bit though, and it's nothing too big, but yeah. It's a wedding." he said blushing.

"I'm honored really Tom." I said hugging him again out of excitement.

"Yeah yeah...get off me before I get me stick!" he shouted and I released him to make the chocolate.

"So I take you and my brother aren't quite together." he said behind me.

"What makes you say that?" I sighed.

"Could be the fact that he won't come out of his room and when I told him I was coming over here he threw a speaker at me." he said and I cringed. I don't really know if I expected him to take it that badly. "Which makes me wonder what's really going on since you seem to be holding up just fine compared to his miserable form." Miserable?

"Is it that bad?"

"Don't change the subject, what happened?" he groaned.

I tried to busy myself with the drinks hoping he would just forget he really just asked that question. But of course like his next of kin, he wasn't letting me get away with shit. He tugged my arm gently, forcing me to look at him, his ice eyes holding mine.

"Just tell me Kris so we can just fix this."

"Tom, have you ever really wondered if you really love Betzy?"

"That's bullocks, of course I do." he scoffed.

"Well I'm not like that right now Tom, I'm not sure how I feel about anything concerning Oliver right now. Some moments I'm scribbling his name and others I'm getting sick just thinking about how livid he looked when I left him that day and why exactly this whole thing started. I can't fix this until I know how I feel."

"What started this all?"

"I wish it just the fact that he kissed Amanda-" I started and his face went pale.

"What?! He-"

"But I really don't think that's it, it's more than that. The things she told me, she was right Tom. That's what's driving me crazy, why I can't trust anything right now. Everyone thinks I'm a fool for even thinking that he  would love me and they're right. He doesn't." I croaked before he wrapped his arms around me. I settled into his warm embraced as he rocked me back and forth.

"It bothers you doesn't? That he's so guarded with you?" he whispered before pulling me back from him.

"Only when I'm taken for a fool."

"Honestly Kris, my brother is a twat. I can't say if he loves you or not. But I do know that you're different. He's never treated anyone the way he treats you and he's bloody mental without you and for sucks sake its only been a day. I'm not gonna say go running back into his arms, but you're no fool and he knows that."

"I'll remember that Tommy." I said playfully ruffling his hair.

"Just come with me to band practice, I've got to pick up some stuff from Matt. It won't be long and you can talk about whatever you need or not. But maybe you just need to see each other." he said with hope shining in his eyes.

"Only if it's just for a minute..."
..............................................................................................

I was nervous to say the least. I was twiddling my thumbs as Tom drove to the practice place, mumbling that it would be only a second and he'd take me to see Betzy right after. We were soon at the familiar flat, my stomach making each step before my feet as we neared the door.

"Relax Kris. If there's anyone who should be scared its him." Tom said before opening the front door for me. Matt and Vegan were smoking something in the doorway and quickly put it out when they saw me.

"Ay! Kris, what are you doing here with this little shit?!" yelled Matt before attacking me in a deep hug. I couldn't help but laugh as he shook me up and down.

"Just dropped by with Tom really quick." I laughed as Vegan ruffled my hair.

"You know you just came to see the good looking member of the band." he said before striking a model pose and Matt smacked him on the head.

"No you twat! She came to hear our sexy sounds, but Lee's not here yet." said Matt defeated.

"We're not staying long, just came to pick up that pedal, I reckon Dad can fix-" started Tom before a huge bang went off in the practice room. Everyone turned towards the sound where Oliver was stumbling over a fallen piece of Matt's drum kit, his eyes fixated on me. The tension wafted over the room as we stared each other down. His warm eyes connected with mine with sadness and my heart sank. His hair was a mess atop his head, and his clothes seemed to hang off of him even more than usual. My body shook as his gaze shifted all over me.

"Alright there Oli?" asked Vegan asked with a smirk and Oliver flushed red with embarrassment as he untangled his legs. He nodded quickly before Tom and Matt scampered off in search of whatever pedal they were talking about.

Oliver made his way to me and Vegan, still watching me wide-eyed. "I should leave before he says something stupid." he said before scampering off as well. My stomach twisted as he came closer until he stood in front of me. I couldn't say anything, I didn't know what to say. His hand flew to the back of his neck that was slowly turning red.

"I tried to ring you." he said quietly.

"I can't find my mobile." I think I said, but it came out more as a whisper. I bit my lip as we just continued to stare at each other.

"I honestly don't know what to say Kristiny." he huffed before grasping my fingertips with his own. I blushed and moved back slowly. He saddened at the gesture and stepped forward again.

"You need to know I didn't want that to happen," he sighed. "I'm sor-" he started before I placed my hand to his lips lightly and looked away.

"Maybe we should just be friends Oliver. Make everything easier on both of us." I said before I realized it. I looked up at him and his mouth was agape as he stared down at me. My stomach twisted as soon as the words left my mouth with no conviction.

"Ready Kris?" announced Tom behind me making me jump slightly.

"Uh, yeah." I said nervously to Tom. "I'll see you later Oliver." I called over my shoulder as I made my way to the car. My hands were shaking as I hurriedly got in the car and buckled myself in. I put my head in my hands I thrashed my legs, how could I really have done this? I groaned in frustration as Tom got in next to me.

"Have you gone mental?!" he shouted at me. "What happened?!"

"I told him we should just be friends."

"...And?"

"I don't want to just be friends. I want things to go back to how they were....FUCK! Why did I say that?!" I yelled into the steering wheel.

"You're bloody mental, Kris. You and my brother are both proper crazy." huffed Tom before there was a sharp knock at my window. Oliver was staring down at me with a crazed look in his eye, obviously angry. My stomach churned as Tom let out a large sigh. "Fuck Ol, don't do something stupid."

"Kristiny, get out the car." he repeated, his eyes still locked on mine.

"Start the car Kris." muttered Tom. Before I knew it my car door was opened and Oliver was yanking my arm out of the vehicle.

"Oli!" yelled Tom.

"The fuck Oli?!" I yelled at him, pulling my arm back and getting out.

"Yeah, that's it. It bit if anger for once!" he screamed back at me.

"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I snapped as he pushed me lightly into the side of the car.

"It means, that I've been trying to ring you forever! Left you dozens of messages! You avoid me and just show up here all quiet and stunning and shit and give me this friends bullshit?!" he screamed at me, pacing the front yard. I couldn't say anything as he continued his hysterics. "You could've told me a week ago you wanted to be just friends, would've been easier to get you back since we both know it's a lie, but SHIT!" he yelled, completely red in face. Before I knew it I pushed the shit out of him, my fist colliding harshly against his chest.

"Don't forget why I havn't talked to you, you complete asshole! YOU are the one who fucked things up!"

"I've been fucking up since the day I met you! What's so different about this one?" he challenged.

"Did you really just say that you, conceited prick! I forgive you with reason but SHIT! You didn't even tell me!"

"And how exactly was I supposed to bring that up?! Was I supposed to come over and just blurt out that I took the piss and kissed your friend?!"

"I told you about what happened with Corey didn't I?"

"On a first name basis now are we?" he scoffed.

"Oh, come off it Oliver!" I whined. This argument was draining me and he knew it. His head hung low and he sighed heavily.

"I'm not you Kristiny. I'm not gonna come running guilty every time I fuck up." he said calmer, and grasping my fingers and bring them to his face. My body heated as he got closer and closer to me, now nearly touching.

"Would you have told me if I didn't find out?" I asked into his chest. My breathing was heavy with all of the shouting I had just done and I couldn't resist his calming touch.

"No." He said lowly and I felt the tears pricking the corners of my eyes as he held me tighter. "The last thing I want is for me to be reason you're hurting. I couldn't bring myself to be the cause of you anything put happy." he whispered into my hair.

"You're such an asshole." I grumbled into his shirt as I started to wipe my tears. He rubbed my back ran a hand through my hair. "When did we get like this?" I said looking up at him. His eyes were low and deep and he stared at me. "We're not the same, everything's gotten so complicated so quickly."

"Come over to my house tonight. Just spend the night with me. I miss you Kristiny." he said while leaning down and kissing my shoulder. "I miss us, the us where everyone else wasn't around."

I sighed into his chest as he hugged me tight. "Me too." I sighed into his chest. I wrapped my arms around him let myself just feel him. My stomach swirled as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head sweetly, the calm smile returning to his face.

"I'll be at your house when you're done, I was headed there to meet Betzy." He nodded and squeezed me tightly against him, making me giggle as I separated from him. He grasped my fingertips and pressed his cold lips to them lightly. The blush came to my face instantly before Tom honked the horn behind me, making me jump.

"Goodbye." I laughed as he awkwardly let me go. I got in the car where Tom was slumped over.

"You two are fucked." he sighed, while tossing me the keys. I couldn't keep the smile off of my face as I pulled off.

"Don't be down Tom, all I did was talk to him like you wanted me to." I teased.

"I said talk, not curse each other out on the lawn."