Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes and Whatnot

The next morning when we awoke, we decided it was best not to stay anywhere too long. We packed up and I helped Hermione remove all the enchantments over the clearing while Harry and Ron eliminated all marks on the ground. We couldn’t leave behind any evidence that we’d been there.

We Disapparated to the outskirts of a small, market town. After we had set up camp once again, Harry went into town under the Invisibility Cloak to look for food. He came back, however, trembling a bit and with nothing. There had been dementors.

“But you can make a brilliant Patronus!” Ron said.

“I couldn’t…make one,” Harry panted. “Wouldn’t…come.”

“So we still haven’t got any food.”

“Shut up Ron.” Hermione said.

“What happened?” I asked Harry.
“Why do you think you couldn’t make your Patronus? You managed perfectly yesterday!” exclaimed Herms.

“I don’t know,” he said, sitting in one of the armchairs.

Ron kicked at a chair leg and Hermione gave him a look.

“What?” he snapped. “I’m starving! All I’ve had since I bled half to death is a couple of toadstools!”

“You go and fight your way through the dementors, then,” said Harry.

“I would, but my arm’s in a sling, in case you hadn’t noticed!”

“That’s convenient.”

“And what’s that supposed to -?”

“Shut up both of you!” I yelled. “Please don’t fight, we can’t fight with each other.”

“Of course!” cried Hermione. “Harry, give me the locket! Come on,” she snapped her fingers impatiently, “the Horcrux, Harry, you’re still wearing it!”

He took it off and handed it over.

“Better?” she asked.

“Yeah, loads better!”

We decided it was better to take turns wearing it, since Harry didn’t want to leave it lying around and since it could potentially possess someone if left on too long. Then, we packed up again to go someplace with food and settled for a field belonging to a little farm.

Hermione got eggs and bread from the farm, leaving some money in the chicken coop of course, and we made eggs on toast. Everybody was in much better moods after that. It was the first time I noticed how much we were affected by empty stomachs.

Harry seemed alright most of the time, his mood swings didn’t generally have to do with food. Hermione and I bore up fairly well just because we both had a lot of patience. It was Ron who suffered the most with this drastic change. And when lack of food coincided with his turn to wear the Horcrux, he was pretty impossible.

He and Harry would get into arguments over where Voldemort may have hidden Horcruxes. We went over our lists every day, but nothing new came up and everybody’s temper got shorter the longer we repeated the same things.

We went to London to find the orphanage Voldemort grew up in, only to discover it had been demolished some time earlier. With more and more disappointment, we continued to move our camp to different locations. Different woods, moors, mountainsides, whatever Hermione happened to think of that was out of the way.

As the weeks dragged on, every time we noticed Harry having problems with his scar, Ron would ask him what he saw.

“A face,” was the same reply each time. “The same face. The thief who stole from Gregorovitch.”

Ron stopped trying to hide his disappointment. I knew he wanted news on his family or the Order, and I did too, but Harry couldn’t control what he saw.

Whenever Harry had watch, or went to wander around the camp, Ron, Hermione, and I had taken to discussing things ourselves.

“Didn’t you think Dumbledore had told him at least something though?” Ron was saying.

“Ron, you know Dumbledore, he’s not the type to just outright tell you what to do.” I countered.

“But still, we don’t even have a plan! How long have we been out here going over the same ideas every day?”

“I thought that Harry might’ve had at least some idea of where the other Horcruxes are. I mean, yeah, we have a list of places, but what good is that doing us?” Hermione asked.

It was during dinner, and Ron’s turn to wear the Horcrux, that we got the first bit of news from the outside in the longest time. Harry had interrupted an argument Ron started about cooking to say that he heard something.

We crept to the entrance to the tent and pulled out extendable ears that I had in my bag. Listening to their conversation, we recognized Tonks’s father and Dean Thomas from school. They were with another man and apparently two goblins.

They were on the run, like us, and in their exchange, we heard something about the sword of Gryffindor, which made us listen harder.

“Didn’t you hear about that Ted?” the other man, Dirk, asked Mr. Tonks. “About the kids who tried to steal Gryffindor’s sword out of Snape’s office at Hogwarts?”

“Never heard a word. Not in The Prophet was it?”

“Hardly,” chuckled Dirk. “Griphook here told me, he heard about it from Bill Weasley who works for the bank. One of the kids who tried to take the sword was Bill’s younger sister.”

We all glanced at each other in shock. So Ginny and other friends were trying to defy Snape as headmaster. He explained some more and said that after Snape caught them, he sent the sword to Gringotts. The goblins laughed at that.

“I’m still not seeing the joke,” said Ted.

“It’s a fake,” said Griphook.

“The sword of Gryffindor!”

“Oh yes. It is a copy – an excellent copy, it is true – but it was Wizard-made. The original was forged centuries ago by goblins and had certain properties that only goblin-made armor possesses. Wherever the genuine sword of Gryffindor is, it is not in a vault at Gringotts bank.”

“I see,” said Ted. “And I take it you didn’t bother telling the Death Eaters this?”

“I saw no reason to trouble them with the information,” said Griphook and they all laughed.

We waited some more before Dean asked the question we wanted to know.

“What happened to Ginny and the others? The ones who tried to steal it?”

“Oh, they were punished, and cruelly," said Griphook.

“They’re okay, though?” asked Ted. “I mean, the Weasleys don’t need any more of their kids injured, do they?”

My breath caught. What did that mean? Had something else happened or was he just referring to all the things we already knew?

They talked some more of whether they believed Harry was truly the Chosen One, where he might be now, and about Xenophilius Lovegood’s paper, The Quibbler, which had been frequenting articles supporting Harry.

When they had moved on to talk of where to camp, Harry turned to us and stammered, “Ginny – the sword – “

“I know!” said Hermione.

She grabbed her bag and reached in, fumbling around for something. Finally, she began pulling out the empty portrait of Phineas Nigellus.

“Ah, brilliant!” I exclaimed. “If somebody swapped the real sword for the fake…”

“Phineas Nigellus would have seen it happen, he hangs right beside the case!”

“Unless he was asleep,” muttered Harry, but he knelt down in front of the paintint along with us.

“Er – Phineas? Phineas Nigellus?”

Nothing.

“Phineas Nigellus?” said Hermione again. “Professor Black?Please could we talk to you? Please?”

“’Please’ always helps,” came his cold voice that reminded me a bit of Snape, and he began to slide into the frame.

“Obscuro!” Hermione shouted.

A black blindfold appeared over his eyes. He was not at all pleased, but we caught his interest when Harry spoke.

“Can that possibly be the voice of the elusive Mr. Potter?”

“Maybe,” said Harry. “We’ve got a couple of questions to ask you – about the sword of Gryffindor.”

“Ah, yes. That silly girl acted most unwisely there –“

“Shut up about my sister,” Ron said, gruffly.

“Who else is here? Your tone displeases me! The girl and her friends were foolhardy in the extreme. Thieving from the headmaster!”

“They weren’t thieving. That sword isn’t Snape’s.” said Harry.

“It belongs to Professor Snape’s school. Exactly what claim did the Weasley girl have upon it? She deserved her punishment, as did the idiot Longbottom and the Lovegood oddity!”

“Neville is not an idiot and Luna is not an oddity!” I said.

“Where am I? Where have you brought me? Why have you removed me from the house of my forebears?”

“Never mind that! How did Snape punish Ginny, Neville, and Luna?” asked Harry.

“Professor Snape sent them into the Forbidden Forest, to do some work for the oaf, Hagrid.”

“Hagrid’s not an oaf!” exclaimed Hermione.

“And Snape might’ve thought that was a punishment, but Ginny, Neville, and Luna probably had a good laugh with Hagrid. The Forbidden Forest…they’ve faced plenty worse than the Forbidden Forst, big deal!”

“What we really wanted to know, Professor Black, is whether anyone else has, um, taken out the sword at all? Maybe it’s been taken away for cleaning or – or something?” Hermione said.

“Muggle-borns,” Phineas scoffed. “Goblin-made armor does not require cleaning, simple girl. Goblins’ silver repels mundane dirt, imbibing only that which strengthens it.”

“Don’t call Hermione simple,” said Harry.

“I grow weary of contradiction. Perhaps it is time for me to return to the headmaster’s office?”

“Dumbledore!” Harry suddenly shouted. “Can’t you bring us Dumbledore?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Professor Dumbledore’s portrait – couldn’t you bring him along, here, into yours?”

“Evidently it is not only Muggle-borns who are ignorant, Potter. The portraits of Hogwarts may commune with each other, but they cannot travel outside the castle except to visit a painting of themselves hanging elsewhere. Dumbledore cannot come here with me, and after the treatment I have received at your hands, I can assure you that I shall not be making a return visit!”

Phineas tried to grope his way out of the portrait.

“Professor Black,” said Hermione, “couldn’t you just tell us, please, when was the last time the sword was taken out of its case? Before Ginny took it out, I mean?”

Phineas snorted. “I believe the last time I saw the sword of Gryffindor leave its case was when Professor Dumbledore used it to break open a ring.”

We stared at each other, not daring to say anything else in front of Phineas. Finally, he located the edge of his frame and disappeared.

“Harry!” Hermione cried.

“I know!”

She shoved the portrait back into her bag as I said “The sword can destroy Horcruxes!”

“Goblin-made blades imbibe only that which strengthen them – Harry, that sword’s impregnated with basilisk venom!” Hermione said.

“And Dumbledore didn’t give it to me because he still needed it, he wanted to use it on the locket – “

“ – and he must have realized they wouldn’t let you have it if he put it in his will – “

“ – so he made a copy – “

“ – and put a fake in the glass case – “

“ – and he left the real one – where?”

The three of us looked at each other, feeling as if the answer was right there, but we couldn’t grasp it.

“Think!” said Hermione “Think! Where would he have left it?”

“Not at Hogwarts,” said Harry, pacing.

“Somewhere in Hogsmeade?” I suggested.

“The Shrieking Shack? Nobody ever goes in there.” Harry said.

“But Snape knows how to get in, wouldn’t that be a bit risky?” asked Hermione.

“Dumbledore trusted Snape,” said Harry.

“Not enough to tell him that he had swapped the swords.”

“Yeah, you’re right! So would he have hidden the sword well away from Hogsmeade, then? What d’you reckon, Ron? Ron?”

We looked around for Ron, and saw him sulking in his bunk.

“Oh, remembered me, have you?”

“What?”

“You three carry on. Don’t let me spoil your fun.”

“What’s the problem?” asked Harry.

“Problem? There’s no problem. Not according to you, anyway.”

“Well, you’ve obviously got a problem,” said Harry. “Spit it out, will you?”

“All right, I’ll spit it out” he said, sitting up. “Don’t expect me to skip up and down the tent because there’s some other damn thing we’ve got to find. Just add it to the list of stuff you don’t know.”

“I don’t know?” repeated Harry. “I don’t know?”

“It’s not like I’m not having the time of my life here, you know, with my arm mangled and nothing to eat and freezing my backside off every night. I just hope, you know, after we’d been running round a few weeks, we’d have achieved something.”

I heard quiet plops on the roof of the tent, it had started raining.

“Ron,” Hermione said, but he ignored her.

“I thought you knew what you’d signed up for,” said Harry.

“Yeah, I thought I did too.”

“Guys stop,” I said, but got ignored as well.

“So what part isn’t living up to your expectations? Did you think we’d be staying in five-star hotels? Finding a Horcrux every other day? Did you think you’d be back to Mummy by Christmas?”

It started raining harder.

“We thought you knew what you were doing!” shouted Ron.

I cringed a bit as his words.

“We thought Dumbledore had told you what to do. We thought you had a real plan!”

“Ron!” shouted Hermione.

“Well, sorry to let you down. I’ve been straight with you from the start, I told you everything Dumbledore told me. And in case you haven’t noticed, we’ve found one Horcrux – “

“Yeah, and we’re about as near getting rid of it as we are to finding the rest of them – nowhere effing near, in other words!”

“Ron!” I shouted this time.

“Take off the locket, Ron,” Hermione said, her voice high. “Please take it off. You wouldn’t be talking like this if you hadn’t been wearing it all day.”

“Yeah, he would,” said Harry. “D’you think I haven’t noticed the three of you whispering behind my back? D’you think I didn’t guess you were thinking this stuff?”

“Harry, we weren’t – “

“Don’t lie!” Ron shouted. “You said it too, you said you were disappointed, you said you’d thought he had a bit more to go on than – “

“I didn’t say it like that – Harry, I didn’t!” Hermione cried.

Rain was pouring down on the tent as tears poured down Hermione’s face.

“So why are you still here?” Harry asked Ron.

“Search me,” said Ron.

“Go home then.”

“Yeah, maybe I will!” Ron shouted again, stepping towards Harry. “Didn’t you hear what they said about my sister? But you don’t give a rat’s fart, do you, it’s only the Forbidden Forest, Harry I’ve-Face-Worse Potter doesn’t care what happened to her in there – well, I do, all right, giant spiders and mental stuff – “

“I was only saying – she was with the others, they were with Hagrid – “

“Yeah, I get it, you don’t care! And what about the rest of my family, ‘the Weasleys don’t need another kid injured,’ did you hear that?”

“Yeah, I – “

“Not bothered what it meant, though?”

“Ron!” Hermione forced her way between them. “I don’t think it means anything new has happened, anything we don’t know about.”

“Think, Ron, Bill’s already scarred, plenty of people must have seen that George has lost an ear by now, and you’re supposed to be on your deathbed with spattergroit – “ I pleaded, hoping I was right.

“Right then, well, I won’t bother myself about them. It’s all right for you three, isn’t it, with your parents safely out of the way – “

“My parents are dead!” bellowed Harry.

“And mine could be going the same way!”

“Then GO!” roared Harry. “Go back to them, pretend you’ve got over your spattergroit and Mummy’ll be able to feed you up and – “

Ron and Harry both reached for their wands at the same time, but Hermione was faster.

“Protego!” she cried, creating an invisible shield between three of us on one side and Ron on the other.

We were all forced backwards a bit by the spell, and Harry and Ron continued to glare at each other through it.

“Leave the Horcrux” Harry said.

He wrenched it off and threw it onto a nearby chair.

“What are you doing?” he asked, turning to me and Hermione.

“What do you mean?”

“Are you staying, or what?”

“But…Ron, what about - ?” I started.

He cut me off “What about George?”

I felt my heart lurch. “That’s not fair,” I said quietly.

He looked at Hermione.

“I…” she looked torn as I’m sure I looked as well. “Yes – yes, we’re staying. Ron, we said we’d go with Harry, we said we’d help – “

“I get it. You choose him.”

“Ron, no – please – come back, come back!”

By the time she removed her shield charm, he had already stormed out. She ran after him and I followed just to the entrance of the tent. I listened to her sobbing and calling out his name.

She came back a few minutes later, completely soaked.

“He’s g-g-gone! Disapparated!”

She curled up in a chair and cried. I pulled blankets from Ron’s bed and put them over Hermione. Then, I knelt there and just stroked her hair. Harry climbed up into his own bed and lay there quietly. I didn’t know if he was asleep or not. I waited by Hermione until she had cried herself to sleep, then, I climbed onto my own bed and did the same thing. I cried about how hopeless our mission seemed, how we couldn’t seem to get along, how Ron had just walked out on us, how I was selfish and had wanted to go with him, and about how much I missed George right now.