Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes and Whatnot

George’s POV:

“FRED! GEORGE! If I hear one of those go off again, you two are…grounded!”

“Mum, we’re kind of already grounded” I called down the stairs.

“There’s not much more you can do to punish us” Fred called.

We heard her huff off then.

“You think she remembers she grounded us three times yesterday?” I asked.

“Who knows?” Fred shrugged, “She’s just going insane because we’re all stuck in here with Muriel”

“I think that’s causing us all to go insane”

We’d been at Aunt Muriel’s for nearly two weeks now. Fred and I had been forced to close up the shop a little before that because of all the Death Eaters coming in and out of Diagon Alley. Our affiliation with Potterwatch didn’t help. But then, they found out Ron was with Harry, so Bill made us all move to Muriel’s. Not one of us could work. Dad wandered around most of the time, reading the Daily Prophet and cursing it. Mom kept herself busy by cleaning and trying to think of ways to punish us. Ginny rarely came out of her room, and Fred and I worked on our joke products. We were still doing the owl-delivery service from here, which Mum didn’t like at all, but it kept us from bashing our heads against the wall. Then, there was Aunt Muriel. She got so annoyed by every little thing. She absolutely hated that we were working on our products…especially when one went awry. Which happened often, but hey, occupational hazard.

“I can’t wait to get out of here” Fred said.

We talked about this nearly every day.

“Me neither. How long do they expect us to just sit around and wait?”

“Probably till it’s over”

“And who knows how long that’s gonna take”

“If we get any news of a fight, I’m out of here”

“Agreed. Or any news of their whereabouts”

Fred looked up, “She will come back you know”

“Yeah, I know, it’s just a question of when”

“Although, she could come back in love with Ron or something. Months practically alone, and she was in love with you for some reason, he wouldn’t be that much of a stretch”

I chucked a decoy detonator at him, which bounced off his head and exploded against the wall.

“FRED! GEORGE!”

“Sorry Mum!”

Normal POV:

Because of Harry’s decision not to act, not to go Hogwarts, we remained at the cottage for a little while. It was about three days later that Fleur came down, saying Griphook wanted to speak with Harry.

“I have reached my decision, Harry Potter,” said the goblin once we were inside the room, with the door closed. “Though the goblins of Gringotts will consider it base treachery, I have decided to help you – “

“That’s great!” said Harry. “Griphook, thank you, we’re really – “

“ – in return,” the goblin interrupted, “for payment”

Harry hesitated and we all glanced at each other.

“How much do you want? I’ve got gold” he finally said.

“Not gold, I have gold. I want the sword. The sword of Godric Gryffindor”

Hmmm…wasn’t expecting that. We definitely still needed that.

“You can’t have that. I’m sorry”

“Then,” Griphook said, “we have a problem”

“We can give you something else,” said Ron. “I’ll bet the Lestranges have got loads of stuff, you can take your pick once we get into the vault”

I mentally smacked my forehead. Way to go Ron, you don’t tell a goblin to go ahead and steal from people’s vaults.

“I am not a thief, boy!” he said angrily. “I am not trying to procure treasures to which I have no right!”

“The sword’s ours – “

“It is not,” said the goblin.

“We’re Gryffindors and it was Godric Gryffindor’s – “

“And before it was Gryffindor’s, whose was it?” he demanded.

“No one’s” said Ron. “It was made for him, wasn’t it?”

Please shut up Ron.

“No!” Griphook cried, pointing at Ron. “Wizarding arrogance again! The sword was Ragnuk the First’s, taken from him by Godric Gryffindor! It is a lost treasure, a masterpiece of goblinwork! It belongs with the goblins! The sword is the price of my hire, take it or leave it!”

He was glaring at us all now.

Harry glanced at us again, then said “We need to discuss this, Griphook, if that’s alright. Could you give us a few minutes?”

The goblin nodded, and we went downstairs to the empty dining room.

“He’s having a laugh,” said Ron. “We can’t let him have that sword”

“Is it true?” Harry turned to Hermione. “Was the sword stolen by Gryffindor?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Wizarding history often skates over what the wizards have done to other magical races, but there’s no account that I know of that says Gryffindor stole the sword”

“And she knows a lot of accounts, at least all of the ones in the Hogwarts library” I said.

“It’ll be one of those goblin sotries,” said Ron, “about how the wizards are always trying to get one over on them. I suppose we should think ourselves lucky he hasn’t asked for one of our wands.”

“Goblins have got good reason to dislike wizards, Ron,” said Hermione. “They’ve been treated brutally in the past”

“And this one’s got good reason to dislike you Ron, you and your big mouth”

“Goblins aren’t exactly fluffy little bunnies, though, are they?” said Ron. “They’ve killed plenty of us. They’ve fought dirty too”

“But arguing with Griphook about whose race is most underhanded and violent isn’t going to make him more likely to help us, is it?”

He didn’t respond.

“Yeah, be the bigger man Ron,” I said.

He rolled his eyes.

There was another pause as we tried to think of a way around our dilemma.

“Okay,” said Ron, “how’s this? We tell Griphook we need the sword until we get inside the vault, and then he can have it. There’s a fake in there, isn’t there? We switch them, and give him the fake”

“Ron, he’d know the difference better than we would!” said Hermione.

“Yeah, he’s the only one who realized they’d been switched!” I said.

“Yeah, but we could scarper before he realizes – “

He faltered after seeing Hermione’s expression.

“Are you serious right now?” I moaned.

“That is despicable,” she said. “Ask for his help, then double-cross him? And you wonder why goblins don’t like wizards, Ron?”

“All right, all right! It was the only thing I could think of! What’s your solution then?”

“We need to offer him something else, something just as valuable”

“Brilliant, I’ll go and get one of our other ancient goblin-made swords and you can gift wrap it”

I snorted and Hermione gave me a look.

“Sorry” I shrugged. “It was kinda funny, though”

We were quiet again, still thinking.

“Maybe he’s lying” Harry said. “Griphook. Maybe Gryffindor didn’t take the sword. How do we know the goblin version of history’s right?”

“Does it make a difference?”

“Changes how I feel about it” he muttered, then said, “We’ll tell him he can have the sword after he’s helped us get into that vault – but we’ll be careful to avoid telling him exactly when he can have it”

I stared at Harry as Ron broke out into a grin and Hermione looked scandalized.

“Harry, we can’t – “

“He can have it,” Harry continued, “after we’ve used it on all of the Horcruxes. I’ll make sure he gets it then. I’ll keep my word”

“But that could be years!”

“I know that, but he needn’t. I won’t be lying…really”

I shook my head. I’d go along with it, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t work out quite as swimmingly as Harry hoped. We went back upstairs, and Harry made his offer to the goblin, wording it very carefully.

“I have your word, Harry Potter, that you will give me the sword of Gryffindor if I help you?”

“Yes,” said Harry.

“Then shake” Griphook held out his hand.

When they released hands, the goblin said, “So. We begin!”

We were once again making plans, diagrams, and maps. It was like breaking into the Ministry, only guaranteed to be more difficult. We stayed in that small room for hours at a time, listening to everything Griphook could tell us about Gringotts’ security systems, the different vault levels, the Lestranges’ vault in particular. We only had enough Polyjuice Potion left for one person, but Harry thought that’d be enough.

On the night Bill was taking Ollivander to his Aunt Muriel’s, the rest of us were crowded around the dinner table, listening to the wind rattle the panes on the window.

Bill arrived back shortly, and said “Everything’s fine. Ollivander settled in, Mum and Dad say hello. Ginny sends you all her love. Fred and George are driving Muriel up the wall, they’re still operating an Owl-Order business out of her back room”

I smiled, thinking of what that was doing to their aunt.

“They said to tell you, they’re glad you’re all safe. Wanted to come back with me, but Mum forbid it. Muriel was cheered up to have her tiara back. She said she thought we’d stolen it”

“Ah, she eez charmante, your aunt” said Fleur crossly.

There was a loud knock on the door and we all jumped up, pointing our wands at the door.

“Who is it?” Bill called.

“It is I, Remus John Lupin!” a voice called back over the wind.

My heart stopped for a second, what had happened that Lupin had to come all the way out here?

“I am a werewolf, married to Nymphadora Tonks, and you, Secret-Keeper of Shell Cottage, told me the address and bade me come in an emergency!”

Bill ran to the door, pulling it open to reveal a pale, wind-swept Lupin.

He fell through the doorway, straightened up, looked around to se who was there, then cried “It’s a boy! We’ve named him Ted, after Dora’s father!”

Hermione and I both shrieked. Probably at an annoying pitch.

“Wha - ? Tonks – Tonks has had the baby?” Hermione cried.

“Yes, yes, she’s had the baby!”

All of us cried out congratulations and other sounds of delight.

Ron said, “Blimey, a baby!” as if it was a foreign concept to him.

“Yes – yes – a boy,” Lupin said again, looking absolutely dazed by his own happiness.

I had never seen him look younger or more delighted about something.

He went around the table to hug Harry and said, “You’ll be godfather?”

“M-me?” Harry stuttered.

“You, yes, of course – Dora quite agrees, no one better – “

“I – yeah – blimey – “

Bill went to get wine, and Fleur was trying to persuade Lupin to stay for a drink.

“I can’t stay long, I must get back,” Lupin said, still beaming at us all. “Thank you, thank you, Bill”

We all raised our glasses and Lupin said, “To Teddy Remus Lupin, a great wizard in the making!”

“’Oo does ‘e look like?” asked Fleur.

“I think he looks like Dora, but she thinks he is like me. Not much hair. It looked black when he was born, but I swear it’s turned ginger in the hour since. Probably be blond by the time I get back. Andromeda says Tonks’s hair started changing color the day that she was born.”

He drained his glass, “Oh, go on then, just one more,” he added, to Bill.

The wind was still howling outside, but Lupin’s news seemed to have removed us from who we had been only an hour earlier. All plans and schemes forgotten for one beautifully wonderful evening.

“No…no…I really must get back” said Lupin, declining another glass of wine.

He got up and pulled on his travelling cloak, “Good-bye, good-bye – I’ll try to bring some pictures in a few days’ time – they’ll all be so glad to know that I’ve seen you – “

He shook hands with all the men, and hugged all the women, saying his final goodbyes before leaving.