Pretty Bird

We decided this time, it would be different. Normally, I would go with Oliver to the airport, or to where they were all getting on the bus, just to kiss him goodbye and wish all of the boys well on tour. Holly, Molly and I would then normally go to breakfast or to dinner or whatever, mentally preparing ourselves for the weeks and months of being without our halves. But, since watching him leave normally turned me into such an emotional mess, he though it would be better for him to just go.

It was January 3rd, the day before they were leaving, a bitterly cold Sunday. The Holidays had came and went, a big crescendo to the end of our 5 months together, being about as rooted as we had ever been throughout the course of our relationship. The bags were packed, sitting there against the wall by the front door, reminding me every time I saw them of what was going to happen the next morning. I was going to wake up, alone, with only Kodi to greet me. Oliver was going to go to bed with me, but then somehow rouse himself from sleep around 3 in the morning, in order to be at the airport in London with the rest of the guys and crew at 5 in the morning, the flight leaving to New York City at 6:30.

“I bought this as Tesco.” Oliver smiled at me, pulling a tall bottle of champagne out of a grocery bag on the kitchen counter, the muscles under his tattooed skin flexing as he pulled the bottle into the air, removing the bag from under it.

“What a romantic evening, Sykes.” I giggled, smiling as he tried to find the bottle opening, opening and closing the kitchen drawers rapidly. “Second one down, right by your left hand.”

He smiled weakly, letting a light pink blush take over his cheeks. “We’ve lived here almost half a year and I still don’t remember where shit is.”

“Maybe you should cook.” I suggested, making his eyes go wide and the color drain from his face. “On second thought…” I laughed, smitten by his awkwardness.

“Exactly.” He said, removing the cork bottle from the champagne. “Unless you want to eat raw vegetables, you should stick to the cooking part.”

“We’d be like rabbits.” I said, imagining Oliver and I chewing lackadaisically on oversized carrots, just like Buggs Bunny.

“Cute rabbits.” Oliver grinned, his smile overstated and obviously exaggerated.

“With huge front teeth!” I added, grabbing two wine glasses out of the cabinet and setting them down next to Oliver on the counter. “Hit me, Sykes.”

He smiled normally, pouring the fizzy, amber colored champagne into both of the glasses. “Hold your alcohol, Serra. Don’t want to have to come and take care of you.”

“Of all people!” I rolled my eyes, taking my glass once he set the champagne bottle down. We both held them up, cheering ourselves gently, the sound of glass hitting glass filling up the kitchen. “To a damn good tour in America!”

“To America.” Oliver agreed, his smile fading slightly as the words left my mouth. I just mentally shrugged it off as we both tilted our heads back, letting the warm, bubbly drink crash down into our stomachs. “I’m gonna miss you.” He said finally, half of the content in our glasses now in our stomachs.

“Of course I’m going to miss you.” I replied, just as Kodi, our tiny brown puppy, sauntered into the kitchen, tripping over his oversized paws as his tongue stuck out of the side of his open mouth. “Kodi bear will keep me company though!” I smiled, bending at the knees and outstretching my free hand in the dog’s direction. “Kodi!” I called, making Kodi almost jump with delight as he skipped over to me, placing his ear right into my hand. I giggled, and began to scratch the area right behind his ear, his short chocolate fur twisting in my hand.

Oliver just watched silently, taking a small sip of his alcohol. “I’m glad I got him for you.” He finally said, making me stop petting Kodi and look up at Oliver, still bent at the knees, balancing on my bare feet.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, trying to read the emotions on his face.

“Nahh…Not really.” Oliver replied, shrugged his shoulders, flipping his fringe out of his eyes.

“Sure?” I pressed again, trying to make my voice sound comforting.

“Tom and Caroline broke up.” Oliver said, looking down at me with deep dark eyes.

I stood up all the way, Kodi succumbing to boredom minutes earlier and ambling into the living room, searching for his favorite stuffed playtoy, a tan lion with half his mane already chewed off and left on the floor for Oliver and I to pick up. “Isn’t this a good thing?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

“Well, at first it seems like it, doesn’t it?” Oliver looked down into his glass, and then back at me. “Except…” He started, trailing off. He took a long pause, staring back into his glass, watching the bubbles in the champagne pop and fizz. “It just makes me mad, that’s all. I mean, he’s acting like a little kid, when he has a kid on the way. He can’t go around being all pissed off at Caroline because she won’t let him skate anymore. I just don’t think he realizes exactly what the hell he’s doing, breaking up with her. He’s leaving his kid without a father. What if he just never sees her? Am I supposed to have this niece I’ve never met just walking around? What if I want my kids to have cousins? I just think its fucked up, Chris. I really do and I try and be nice but he is just really starting to wear thin on me. It’s like, he’s even going on tour with us! I know he’s Matt’s tech and all and he normally comes but he should have more important things to attend to, like being with his pregnant girlfriend! I’m sure it would take a second to find a new drum tech anyways, but instead he wants to come to America and party every night and ‘conveniently forget’ about his responsibilities here. He needs to grow up. I can only do so much for him.” He was clearly tense, gripping the wine glass so tight his knuckles were beginning to turn white, his eyes still staring down into the champagne. “He needs to realize his life isn’t all about him anymore.”

“Oliver…” I sighed, his glance ripping away from his champagne glass and setting onto me, anxious for my response. “What would you have done if this happened to you at 18?”

Oliver just stared at first, before shrugging. “I don’t know…”

“Would you have ‘stepped up’ and ‘been a man’ or would you have taken the opportunity to go to a foreign country to get drunk with your friends every night?”

He didn’t respond, just set his glass down on the counter, his knuckles still white. “But he’s the one in the situation! Just because I wasn’t doesn’t make what he’s doing alright!”

“Well, no…” I started, realizing I was walking a fine line between pissing Oliver off even more and helping him relate to Tom. “But, he’s still 18, no matter what he does. And I honestly doubt he would give up his baby to Caroline just like that. He’s Tom, I don’t even think it’s in his mental capacities!”

“Well, I don’t know…” Oliver had slightly loosened up, his grim stare turning more relaxed, the anger in his face now being replaced with exhaustion. “I just want to fix it.”

“Of course you do, he’s your brother. You love him. I want to fix it too, he’s my Baby Sykes.” I smiled weakly, getting the same smile from Oliver. “But, he needs to know we love him lots right now. Especially you, Oliver. You may not realize it, but you’re his big brother. He looks up to you more than he looks up to anyone. The one thing he needs right now is for you to be there for him.”

Finally, his exterior broke, and the old familiar smile took up residence on his lips again. “It moments like these I realize why I keep ya around, Serra.”

“Oh yeah?” I smiled, finishing the champagne in my glass. “It’s not for visual appeal?”

He just scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Well, there’s that. You do look good. But,” The light twinkled in his eyes, illuminating the lighter brown and hazel colors situated around his pupil. “You always know the right things to say. I hardly get angry at you, you know.”

I could feel the blush crawling up my cheeks, my entire face flushing and turning a deep pink color. Oliver instantly noticed it, extending out his lanky arms, and pulling me into his body, his lips finding mine easily. I was going to really miss moments like these, when my awkward conversation didn’t have to ruin the moment, when Oliver just knew what I wanted to say and accepted my blushes or smiles as conversation enough. My body fit perfectly into his, from his familiar hip bones in my stomach to when I was on my tip toes, I was at the perfect height to reach his lips if he bent down just a little. His hands always wrapped around me comfortably, resting in the back pockets of my jeans or pulling me into him incredibly close, our chests pressed together, our bodies silently fighting for breathing room.

“Take care of Kodi when I’m gone, yeah?” Oliver whispered, breaking the kiss, his lips moving close to my ear.

“He’s our little baby.” I smiled kissing his cheek softly. “Our little Kodi bear.”

I could feel Oliver smile as well against my cheek, before his lips found their way to my jawbone. “I love you, you know. More than anything.”

________________________________________

Oliver’s plan worked well, but that didn’t mean it didn’t suck. I woke up at 8:32 on January 4th, tangled up in our white sheets all alone. Kodi had already woken up, and was pawing at the closed bedroom door, wanting to find his old stuffed lion. I just watched him look up at me with sorrowful eyes, my body still trying to wake up. I didn’t even have to turn around to see Oliver’s side of the bed unoccupied; I could feel the lack of body heat on my back as soon as I had woken up. I sighed, flinging the thick layers of blankets and covers off of me, exposing my bare legs and long sleeved thermal, giving up Oliver’s clothes so he could take them on tour. He always left a hoodie for me though, which I immediately brought around my shoulders and fit my arms through the sleeves. It wasn’t the warmest thing in the world, slowly growing more and more threadbare with each wash, but it was molded to fit Oliver’s body and had Oliver’s smell written all over it, which was the most comforting thing in the world.

“Okay, okay, Kodi bear…” I grumbled, stumbling around the side of the bed and too the door, Kodi’s too long tail beating softly against my calf as my hand reached down to the door handle. The door slipped open, and Kodi dashed into the living room. Just as suspected, he discovered his half-maned lion, halfway under the couch, and picked it up in his mouth. I collapsed onto the loveseat, letting my head rest on the armrest. Kodi trotted over, as if he was showing off his stuffed animal, looking as proud as could be. In a half assed attempt to play, my hand lazily reached out for the lion, making Kodi jump with excitement and sprint across the room, expecting me to chase him. When he noticed I had stayed put, he stared at me for a while, before accepting defeat and just laying down in the middle of the floor, now focused on ripping the other half of the lion’s mane off of the stuffed animal’s plush body.

I probably laid there for a good hour and a half, before my rarely used cell phone began ringing in the kitchen, where its charger was plugged into the wall next to the coffee maker. Knowing there was no way I’d make it to the phone on time, I just let it ring as I slowly forced my body to become upright on my legs again, lumbering over into the kitchen. Checking my phone, I saw that it was a voicemail alert, 2new ones. Clicking the button and punching in my code, the annoying generic lady voice signaled to me ‘message one’.

“Hi Christian, it’s Tom…” It started, before he took a deep breath. “Didn’t have a chance to give you a proper goodbye yesterday, Oli told me you’re sleeping now, and then he said he told you about Caroline and I. Sorry I didn’t tell you that earlier, it was just hard, you know? Well, we get into New York tonight so I’ll call you then. You’ll be fine, Chris. You always are. Pet Kodi for me! Bye!”

I opted not to delete it, just in case I ever missed his voice. Waiting the annoying few seconds, the phone finally switched to the next message.

“Hey baby, it’s Oliver…We’re on the plane now, actually. But we’re not moving yet, which I think gives me plenty of time to give you a real goodbye, even if it can’t be face to face like usual. I know it sucks, but I think this is easier cause this way I don’t have to see you cry, and I can try my best not to worry about you as much. I know you’ll be fine, but…it’s just my job to keep you safe….Anyways, before I get too mushy, I know Tom called you earlier, so yeah. I’ll call you in New York. Curtis says to take care of Holly, and Lee told me that Aubrey is almost speaking her first words. Blake should be done detoxing soon, shouldn’t he? Maybe you should try to contact him! A trip to Wales would do you good while I’m gone. Be sure to look after Kodi, as well. But I know you’ll do a great job with him! Alright, the fasten your seatbelt light is on, so I think I have to cut this shorter than what I wanted. I love you, Christian. You are the most amazing person I have ever met in my entire life, and I can’t wait to see you again. Do you know that the next time I see you, you’ll be in your pretty white dress, spending your last moments as Christian Serra at our wedding? Crazy, isn’t it? I can’t wait for that moment, Chris. You’ll make me the happiest married man in the world. Now, keep that ring on your finger and try and stay busy. Just know I’ll be thinking of you every minute of every day, and there’s no place I’d rather be than next to you. Thank you for being the best thing to ever happen to me…..Uh oh, a flight lady is giving me the evil eye so I’ve got to go. I love you!”

The seconds of silence in between the voice mails let my mind fill to the brim with thoughts of Oliver, from his laughing face to the way his hair stuck to his forehead when he slept. I was going to miss him so much, and his cute spastic voicemails did nothing to help cure my loneliness. I let out a discontented sigh, right before the annoying generic lady voice came back, asking if I wanted to delete the message.

I just ended the call, keeping both of the messages frozen in my voicemail box, just in case I ever needed to be reminded of their voices.

“Guess it’s just you and me, Kodi…” I sighed to myself, walking back into the living room, Kodi lying on his side against the couch. His tongue was hanging flaccidly out of his mouth as his eyes followed me across the room, to the coffee table in front of the love seat. I ruffled through the assortment of random papers and keys and watches, finding Kodi’s black leash at the bottom of the pile. He heard the metal on his leash clash with the wooden coffee table, making him jump to his feet instantly, his tail wagging uncontrollably.

“Yes, a walk Kodi bear!” I smiled at him, adding to his excitement as I bent down and secured the leash to his collar. I dropped the leash on the floor, hurrying into the bedroom to put on a pair of pants, shoes and a heavier jacket on, keeping Oliver’s hoodie on underneath. As Kodi and I walked out the front door, a cleansing gust of icy Sheffield wind hit us straight in the face, knocking my hood off and sending the wind flying through my hair.

I was so young when Oliver first left.

Left as in, pursued his dreams, travelled the world, grabbed life by the balls and did what he loved. And at first, I was just barely keeping a grip on life, desperately trying to establish myself in his crazy world, trying to make my puzzle pieces fit within his.

What I didn’t realize would end up happening is that I would end up fitting perfectly, thanks to not only Oliver’s, but Curtis and Holly’s, Lee, Molly and Aubrey’s, Blake’s, and Tom’s puzzle pieces also shifting to incorporate me. Even if it was only a few months here in Sheffield before Oliver was a vagabond again, those few months proved to me that I did belong somewhere, and that I never again had to question where my home is.

My home used to belong inside Oliver’s heart. It still does, but my puzzle pieces have constantly been moving, fluid and languid In their molds. Now I have a puzzle piece in Tom’s heart, in Blake’s heart, in everyone’s heart who cares about me. It makes sense though, doesn’t it? I used to think that these puzzle pieces would just be abstract memories of a life fully lived, creating that beautiful picture. Now, the puzzle pieces do create a beautiful picture, but that picture is illustrated not by memories, but by the love, the personal fraction of your own self someone else carries in their heart.

And let me tell you, my picture is going to be a fucking masterpiece.

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Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides
Pretty Bird; B-Sides