Decoding Jenny

Everybody knows the story. But no one ever says exactly what happened to my sister. They all give my family and I looks of sympathy and their eyes tell you if they mean it or not. Usually it is the latter, you can tell when someone really means what they say by the look in their eyes.
But the thing is everyone thinks they know what happened to Jenny, they don’t. My parents don’t. The police don’t. My bother, Carter doesn’t. I, of course don’t, and maybe that is why I don’t and probably will never feel comfortable riding in a car. Nor will I ever be at peace with myself because I am the reason Jenny went out that night and it is entirely my fault that she never came back.
You see, my sister and I have never seen eye to eye; we are polar opposites. Jenny had the most intense pair of brown eyes that I’m sure you’d ever see. She could stare you down and you’d regret you ever started your argument with her. She also had fine, blonde hair that was stick straight and went down to her mid back. But I know what you are all thinking: “Hello Hayley! You have blonde hair. You have brown eyes. Hey, you gave me that stare yesterday!”
But that is not what I mean. What I am getting at is that we looked alike but our attitudes were like Canada and Mexico: Different. Jenny loved to argue; she didn’t have to have a reason but it was always good if you had a rebuttal. She was outgoing and had always refused to get involved with the labels that get placed with you during high- School. But she didn’t need to be labeled because she was popular; she was friends with everyone from the chess team captain to the drama fiends to the editor of the paper to Meghan who is cheer captain to the football star. But none of that matters anymore.
So now I’m on a mission. I’m going to find out why my sister suddenly began that night of all nights to go to one of the football team’s parties. She never went to parties on school nights( I know because we use to share a room) she wanted to get into a good college therefore she needed to keep up her grades. But I need to find out why she got into Justin Levin’s car while he was drunk. Her boyfriend, Lance, who is the football star must have been at that party and could have driven her home or even her best friend Meghan. But why did she suddenly stray from her norm? I thought I knew my sister.

School had been Hell. Everyone would come up to me and hug me and tell me how sorry they were and how much they would miss Jenny. Some even were crying. Carter, I’m sure had it worse that I. They were twins after all. Both of them were seniors and were treated like royalty in our school. Some would even argue to say the Carter and Jenny were identical except that you know one was a girl and the other was a guy. Carter and I had found out after we heard my Mom screaming at eleven thirty-five that fateful night.
The police had called and told my father, who had the arduous task of telling the rest of us. The conversation went a bit like this: “ Hayley. Carter. We just found out some terrible news.” ,Sniffled Dad as he tried to stay strong for us. Mom was distraught all she could do was scream and cry and now both Carter and I were scared we didn’t know what happened. He continued, “ Your sister,” more crying/screaming from Mom, “ was in an accident tonight.” Oh God I thought. No. “ She was in a car with one of her friends who was drunk.” He said as a tear rolled silently down his cheek. “ And… And Jennifer didn’t survive the crash.” As soon as he said it I was frozen, stunned. She was just in our room a few hours ago.
Carter got up from the table and walked off to his room. I just sat there at our kitchen table and counted the marks on the wall where our parents marked as we grew. It hadn’t hit me yet that I’d just lost my older sister forever.
But back to school. We didn’t go on Friday along with the rest of the student body who probably were all mourning the loss of their friends. The funeral would be held on Wednesday and Carter and I decided that life needed to go back to normal. Well as normal as it would be now without Jenny. So we went back to school that Monday as held together as we could be.
We both walked into school together as we saw the first of those sorrowful stares. At the time I think they were all true. Carter kept walking as I stopped and waited as if Jenny was going to come down the hallway behind me. He turned and walked back to me and whispered but I’m sure the entire hallway could hear him since they all went quiet when we walked in, “ Come on Hayley.” So I did.
That day was the worst. Teachers didn’t give out much homework which I knew they were trying to tell us that they understood but I think the homework would have been better. As a distraction you know. But we got through it.
There were grief counselors at our school for weeks after that and the teachers said they could always talk to us. I never went to anyone; never told anyone about my mission until I met him. But you’ll figure who ‘him’ is later. I wish I could describe to you what school was like that first week but it was all a blur to me. Do you want to know the worst part about those first few days? I didn’t even cry over the fact that my sister was dead. Not until Wednesday that is.
It was a cold November day which I’ll never forget. Carter and I drove alone in his car because we both knew there was no way we could even try to remember the good times when our mom was crying the front seat. It was absolutely silent in the car as we drove to the graveyard. But sometimes silence is louder and that is when I lost it. “ Carter. She is dead.” I said as I stared out the window.
“ I know.” He replied.
“ She is or was our sister and you want to know something ?” Then I looked at him. His knuckles were white as he gripped the steering wheel and he was staring straight ahead. I continued, “ I didn’t cry Carter. I didn’t. I love her! I didn’t cry!” As I said this the first tears that I shed for my sister slid down my cheek. I started balling and shaking and soon felt the car park.
Carter reached over and said, “ Hayley. I Know. It wasn’t wrong you just couldn’t believe it and still can’t and I just about tore my eyes out last night.” He laughed a nervous laugh as he held me and I knew his eyes were getting red.
I don’t know how long we sat there and just thought about Jenny. We probably could’ve sat there all day but our parents had arrived and Dad knocked on my window and pointed at the lock. So Carter unlocked the car and we got out and went into the funeral home.