Decoding Jenny

I think the entire school was there to pay their respects. People had to stand in the back since there just wasn’t any room left for people to sit. I stood with my Dad and held his hand as we stood in front of the coffin. I wasn’t going to look in and I knew this before we got there. There was no way I was going to remember my sister hurt. But it wasn’t open so being the childish fifteen year old I asked my Dad, “ Why isn’t it open?”
He looked at me and said, “ She didn’t look too good Lee. Besides you wouldn’t be seeing your sister at her best and she’d never forgive us if we let her friends see her if she wasn’t ‘perfect’.” We both laughed as we thought of memories. But then I looked at my Dad and knew that he must have seen her. Identified her. Parents should never have to bury their children.

Everyone cried. I didn’t cry. Well not until I walked up to the podium behind my brother so we could say ‘ some words’ about our sister. Carter went first and said somethings about how they’d been together since birth. That it was weird that she wasn’t next to him and arguing with him, how she would be missed but Carter moved during his speech. He dropped a paper. I knew it was intentional because I could see it in his face that he was about to cry and he needed to be strong. If not for himself it was for me. So he stepped aside and motioned for me to come up and say what I had to say. I picked up his paper so he knew I saw him drop it and I began my speech.
“ Sisters are your friends for life. Whether you like it or not.” I laughed nervously then continued, “ Jenny and I shared a room. But it didn’t end there; we shared secrets and dreams. We played dolls together when were little. She taught me things that I wouldn’t have learned on my own.” I could feel the tears in my eyes. I couldn’t keep reading; my voice would be inaudible but I couldn’t keep reading about my dead sister in front of these people. “ Jenny…” I said but I trailed off and Carter looked at me and I dropped my paper too and ran out from behind the podium to the closest doors and ran outside. I sat down on the ground and leaned against the wall and I cried. I cried hard.
I couldn’t have been there twenty seconds before Carter slid down next to me and together we just listened as our Father said some words knowing if anyone could help me it was Carter and we could help each other. We just listened to the mumble of his words until he was over and both of us with tear streaked faces walked back inside past at least one hundred people and sat down with our parents.

Do you want to know why we didn’t move? It seams like the easiest thing to do. But really it isn’t. People won’t forget about what happened if you move away. That is just trying to forget. Carter was halfway through his senior year. I had my friends who I could hang out with and who would help me cope with losing Jenny. Our town was big enough where we didn’t have to have to pass where ‘It’ happened and most people didn’t even know our family so I could even make new friends who didn’t know about Jenny. But I didn’t want to forget about her. I could never forget about Jenny knowing that I was the one responsible for her death.
It was early December when things at home were pretty normal I guess. Mom didn’t cry in front of us anymore and Dad just stayed at work longer. Carter kept himself occupied with whatever he did and I just sat there wondering how I could have prevented it.
But December is a magical month after all so I don’t think it was by some coincidence that a new boy ended up at my school. He was in my grade and I didn’t know it then but he would become my outlet to the insanity that I was feeling and he would help me through it all.
His name was Seth and immediately my friends had crushes on him and since I was working on going back to normal I agreed he was cute but I didn’t look up. In school I was fine but it was at home where I could have used the help. But Seth sat next to me that morning in class and it was then that he leaned over and said, “ Hey I’m Seth.”
It struck me as weird that he would re-introduce himself to me but since I was on my get-back-to-normal-or-else kick I smiled, probably for the first time in weeks and said, “Hayley. If you need someone to show you around I’m here okay?”
“ I’d like that.” he said and from what I could tell from what Jenny use to tell me, this boy thought I was cute. So in honor of Jenny I let myself go.
After class I put on a smile and said, “ Your next class is probably lunch because most people in this class have lunch next for some reason. So want to walk together ?”
“ Sure.”
While we were walking to the cafeteria he told me that he just moved her from Oregon with his family. That he was sixteen even though he was a sophomore because he got held back in the third grade and so therefore he has a car. But as we were walking down the hall I spotted Lance. He’d been a mess since the accident; we all had but Lance really must have loved Jenny if he still looked like he got hit by a truck. Ooh probably not the best choice of words there. Then he saw me and called, “ Hayley! Hold on a minute.” Then he raced to his locker and pulled out a shoebox and brought it toward me. He handed it to me and said, “ Its you sister’s stuff. I… I just couldn’t get rid of it before, sorry if it was too long.” I smiled up at Lance he was nice but I never thought that he’d belonged with my sister.
I felt like challenging him so I told him, “ You can keep it Lance. If it meant that much to you.” So I handed it back.
“ Thanks. God. I really loved her.” He said then he turned around then walked off.
Next to me Seth laughed and questioned, “ Bad break-up?”
“ The worst.” I said and we walked to lunch.
The lunch room was packed since it was raining and no one really wanted to drive anywhere so the cafeteria consisted of some kids from every grade. Seth and I walked to the lunch line and I stood behind a tall blonde guy who just happened to be my brother. So I poked him on his side. I just wanted to hear him laugh. I was happier lately and I thought he should be too.
“ Hey! What the…Lee!” He laughed just like I knew he would and poked me in the stomach and then he turned right back around. Then I laughed.
“ Your boyfriend ?” Seth asked. I couldn’t tell if he was happy or just a tad disappointed.
“ No.” I answered, “ My brother.”
He didn’t show any emotion as he said “ oh” and then we continued our talk from before. I told Seth that he could sit with us if he wanted. Us being my friends and yours truly or he could go and find some other guys. But he opted to sit at our table, and my friends were going to eat him alive.