You Had Me Wishing We Were Something

I don't know what I want. Its as simple as that. I love John. I love Eric. I want, or atleast think I want, John more. Yet every time I see John, I have a chance to fix things between us, I blow it by mentioning my feelings for Eric. Why do I do this?

So maybe I really did see Eric at the alter, picturing my wedding. But the real reason on why I think I saw Eric there was because I know Eric is better for me then John. But in the end it doesn't matter what I think is 'better' but yet what my heart aches for, which is John.

I blew everything. Hes going to marry Amber. I lost.

I love John. I'm willing to give up everything for him. Even college. Even my future.... That's how I feel at the moment.

Ive been sitting at the park on the same bench for a few hours now, thinking, ever since John had disappeared.

I wasn't crying though. That was a plus.

I slid my phone out of my pocket scrolled through my contacts till I got to his name. I just stared at his name for a few seconds, thinking about how that name was pretty much non existed in my phone. That name hasn't been clicked on in months.

I clicked his name, my heart rate all of a sudden rising as I listened to the ring.

"Hello?" SHE answered.

"Um hey, Amber, is John there?"I asked calmly. I so badly wish I hung up, but my name obviously popped up when I had called.

"No, he had went out a few hours ago and I haven't heard from him since,"She said not hiding the fact that she didn't want to talk to me. I mean why would she want to? John's ex was calling him. I wouldn't be nice to his ex girlfriend either.

"Oh, but you have his phone," I said stating the fact.

""Yeah, he left it here last night"

"Alright well bye."I said taking a breath.

"Want me to leave a message?"

"No,"I said and hung up.

I put my phone on the bench next to me and sighed. What is he doing? He's obviously not with his fiance. And then that thought made me chuckle to myself.

I grabbed my phone and clicked on the contact that was most known to my phone.

I was surprised he answered.

"Can I meet Amy?"I blurted out.

He must have been surprised because he didn't answer right away

"Why would you want to do that?"He asked softly

"You seem to like her. I want to know why" I said quietly.

"What makes you think I like her?"He asked just as quiet.

"You're still with her"

"Aubrey, you're still in love with John. Why would I break up with Amy for you if I'm not even going to end up with you? Ive said it since the beginning. I'm going to lose in the end."

"I don't want you to" I said biting down on my lower lip and I looked around the park, trying not to blink, knowing that if I blinked, the tears would pour.

"I'm done fighting for you."He said calmly.

"Eric. I love you" I said with all of my heart.

"I love you too." He sighed. " I'm sorry for making you come out here. I just had hope that we would go back to how things were. When it was just me and you. But last night, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I should have known being back here would bring up all your thoughts of John. I cant take always hearing about how the girl I love is always thinking about her ex boyfriend. My best friend."

"We can-"I started then he cut me off.

"No we cant Aubrey, There just isn't any hope for us anymore"

"Okay Eric. Bye,"I said and hung up.

I wanted to smash my phone into a million little pieces. But I just did the easiest thing I could do. I deleted Eric's name from my contacts. Sure that's stupid and doesn't solve anything. But not seeing his name in my phone wont give me the temptation to call him, Like what Johns name does constantly. But that name will never be deleted. I just cant.

~~~

I layed in my dorm room bed staring up at the ceiling. I was dropping out. I hadn't even started school here yet, but the smartest thing would be to get out of this state. I didn't even have the thing that made me come out here anymore. I knew for a fact I would never see Eric again. We were over. For good now.

~~~

I woke up the next morning not planning on going to any of the classes I had planned. Fuck college. Fuck Arizona. Fuck Everyone.

I put on some shorts and a tank top and left my room, not even bothering to fix my hair or makeup. I just threw my hair into a messy bun and walked down the dorm hallway.

I was going to call my parents tonight and tell them I was leaving. But right now, I just felt like running. Going for a nice long jog around the town. Clear my head a little bit.

As soon as I was off campus grounds, I started jogging, thinking. Maybe I didn't want to become a doctor.

About five minutes into my run, my phone started going off that was conveniently placed in my bra.

"Hello?" I asked into my phone not in the mood to talk to anyone. I just wanted to run, run all of my problems away.

"Can you restrain from calling me? Especially when Amber has my phone"He said very bitterly.

"Oh, fuck no"I said breathing heavily. "First off, I didn't know she had your phone, and second, I'm not in the mood for your bullshit, so if you're going to be a dick, hang up now you asshole" I said as I stepped aside to let a women and her little dog pass me, the women giving me a weird look. I just rolled my eyes.

A few seconds later I could still hear his breathing even though he wasn't saying anything.

"Yes? Anything else you want to yell at me about?" I asked as I just looked around at the few people that happened to be out

"Oh there are plenty of things I would gladly like to get off my shoulders, but there's no point."

"Okay, so never call you, especially when Amber has your phone. I got it"

"She fucking screamed at me. She almost had a heart attack, asking me why I didn't tell her I still talked to you. Then she got into the act of accusing me of most likely cheating on her. Thanks for all the bull shit you caused"

"Oh, you're welcome" I said calmly.

"Why did you call?"He asked

"Better question. Why are you calling me? Amber wouldn't appreciate it, oh wait, is she there with you? Making sure I'm getting the message to never call you?"I asked rolling my eyes.

"No, shes not here." he said answering only one of my questions.

"Alright, well I'd like to get back to my jog,"

"Jog? Why aren't you at school?"

"I'm dropping out so whats the use?" I asked as I started walking

"Dropping out?! What?! Get your ass to class!" He pretty much yelled at me. I kinda liked the feeling that he still some what cared.

"Really John? Like you care what I do,"I said as I waited for the light to change so I could cross the street.

"I'm pretty sure I just told you yesterday that I loved you, that is if I remember correctly, and in case you didn't know Aubrey, when you love someone, you seem to have the tendency to care for them. And right now, I care about your education,"

"Thanks John,"I said softly.

"No problem,"He sighed

"Isn't my education the thing that's keeping us apart anyway? I mean I cant follow you around on tour."I said calmly as I crossed the street.

"I rather you create a path for yourself then be with me." He said quietly.

"I don't know what I want anymore though," I said in honesty

"Well figure it out. Follow you heart"

"If I followed my heart, I'd be living on a tour bus,"

"Just to get things straight, who are we talking about?"He asked

"What?"I asked in shock.

"Eric? Me? Eric?"

"You you asshole,"I choked on my words.

"Oh alright, You're just really confusing,"And I can tell he probably just shrugged his shoulders.

"Am I invited to your wedding?" I asked as I watched a mother buying her little son an ice cream cone and it made me smile.

"The brides always invited to her wedding"He said quietly.