Lost and Found
Blame everyone but me for this mess
Gerard’s POV
My head is fucking killing me. I know it’s my own fault, but I swear I’ve tried to stop.Drinking and making drugs, I mean. But it’s not so fucking easy as everyone seemed to think. Mikey says I’m not trying hard enought, but I can’t help it. We haven’t really been so close with him anymore anyway. I think I can blame myself about it, too. Everything seems to be my fault nowadays. Dad hates me, he don’t even bother to cover it. If mom’s angry, he says it’s my fault. If Mikey had hard time in school, it’s my fault. If he’s gotten fired at work, it’s my fault. He says that I make everyone so worried that they mess up with everything they do. Pfft, right. My ‘parents’ have never really cared about me. He says so only so he’ll have someone to blame but himself. Well, it kinda is my fault Mikey has hard time in school sometimes. If someone call’s me faggot or something like that, Mikey will be so mad, and he’ll get all the mean kids all over him. Sometimes I just hope that Mikey won’t care about me so much. I don’t want him to suffer ‘cause of me. I’m not fucking worth it.
Dad drinks, too. You can say I’ve come to my father. And maybe you’re right. I’m just fucking messed up drunk who’s sometimes so sick at the morning that can’t even go to school. That happens more and more all the time. Maybe that’s why Mikey doesn’t believe that I’m trying to stop, ‘cause I’m not. I tried, but I need the pills and booze to take away the pain from my heart. There’s just those little things that makes me feel so bad, so,...... empthy. One thing is that mom and dad have never cared about me. I can play cool and tell everyone that I don’t even need them, but that’s not true. I do need them, I need someone to care about me, to look over me, but not my littlebrother. I’m supposed to look over him, goddamnit. I think I’m not doing so good job about that, either.
I should be in school now. But I’m not, ‘cause I’m in so bad hang over. I sat up on my bed, putting my hand on both sides of my head, trying to stop my head from spinning. I feel so fucking sick right at the moment. I hovered across my room to find some painkillers. They don’t really work so well for me anymore, I’m so used to drugs, but I don’t want to take anything stronger right now. Oh, god. This is suck a killer headache, really. There was a sharp knock at my door. What the fuck -? “yeaaaaa” I called. The door fell open and there stood my dad, looking angry as hell. Or is it just my eyes? “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HOME YOU FUCKER?” dad yelled. Nope, it’s definitely not only my eyes. “I’m sick”, I replied, trying to avoid looking at dad. “Oh yea sure you are. Do you think I don’t know what you do all the time when you’re out or locked in your room, DO YOU?” dad shouted. I didn’t say anything, what could I say? ‘Yeah daddy, I know you know I mess around getting drunk, drugged and fucked up to my ass by other guys’. Sure I will say so, why not.
‘Cause he’ll kill me. He thinks I just drink, well I suppose he don’t know about the drug-part. Or that I’m gay. “YOU’RE BETTER BE IN DOWNSTAIRS IN TWO FUCKING MINUTES AND GO TO SCHOOL, OR YOU’LL FUCKING REGRET NOT GOING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!” and with that, dad hovered out of my room. I think he was drunk by himself, atleast I had just hangover. Drinking in the morning has never been my thing. Maybe I shall try it, see what dad’ll like about that.
Anyway, it’ll be better to go to school, I don’t wanna get in more trouble. I quickly changed my sweet pants to pair of jeans I found on the floor and put a black hoodie over my dirty t-shirt. I put on some deodorant, so that I won’t smell so badly like alcohol. I looked at the clock that was hanging above my door. it’s already nine, I’ll be so late, why do I even have to go? Sighing I went to downstairs. Dad was no-where to be seen, maybe he well asleep in bathroom or something. Atleast now I don’t have to listen more of his yelling. I grabbed my car keys (oh yeah, I have a car, my grandma bought it to me) and schoolback and walked to my car. It wasn’t some expensive car that those rich kids in my school had, but it was okay for me. Not everyone had money like trash. I threw my back in the passenger seat and sat in divers seat, starting the car.
I don’t even know how I made it to school without colliding with some others car, my head was hurting so much that my eyes couldn’t vocus too well. I have english now, but class would end anytime so I’m not bothering to go there. I just sat under some tree and pulled out my sketchbook. There’s this one thing I can do well; drawing.
I had drawn about five minutes when something was thrown out of the school buildings window, hitting my head. It was just some paper. I was just about to threw it away when I noticed there was writing in it. “Yo fag, why don’t u just go back where u come from?” What the fuck? I looked up, expecting to see someones head peeking out of the window, smirking me evily, but there were no-one. I suppose this is not for me, then. I put the paper in my schoolback (I don’t even know why) and continued my drawing. In about half an hour bells rang and people started to pour outside. They laughed with their friends, enjoying the nice weather. In some way, I envy them. It’s not like I’ve to be always alone. I sometimes hang around with Mikeys friends but I bet they don’t like me so much as they pretend to. Also, I got these so_called_friends, who with I go to parties to get so drunk I can’t remember almost enything. Then I just woke up in random places, alone, ‘cause my ‘friends’ had to go home, and got no time to take care of me.
Then I saw someone I haven’t seen before. He was short, got black hair, tight jeans and misfits hoodie. He looked kinda scared and lonely. Maybe he’s some new kid. They always seem to be scared as hell. But there was something different in him too, which made me feel strange, but I don’t know what it was. Suddenly someone blocked my view. “Hi, Gerard I thought you’re not coming today! Wanna come hang around with us?” it was Mikey, smiling down at me. I nodded slowly and let him help me up. I looked over his shoulder towards where the kid was standing, but he wasn’t there anymore. “Gee are you okay?” Mikey asked, worried look on his face. “Yea, yeah I’m okay”, I sighed, following him to where our... well, his friends were sitting.
My head is fucking killing me. I know it’s my own fault, but I swear I’ve tried to stop.Drinking and making drugs, I mean. But it’s not so fucking easy as everyone seemed to think. Mikey says I’m not trying hard enought, but I can’t help it. We haven’t really been so close with him anymore anyway. I think I can blame myself about it, too. Everything seems to be my fault nowadays. Dad hates me, he don’t even bother to cover it. If mom’s angry, he says it’s my fault. If Mikey had hard time in school, it’s my fault. If he’s gotten fired at work, it’s my fault. He says that I make everyone so worried that they mess up with everything they do. Pfft, right. My ‘parents’ have never really cared about me. He says so only so he’ll have someone to blame but himself. Well, it kinda is my fault Mikey has hard time in school sometimes. If someone call’s me faggot or something like that, Mikey will be so mad, and he’ll get all the mean kids all over him. Sometimes I just hope that Mikey won’t care about me so much. I don’t want him to suffer ‘cause of me. I’m not fucking worth it.
Dad drinks, too. You can say I’ve come to my father. And maybe you’re right. I’m just fucking messed up drunk who’s sometimes so sick at the morning that can’t even go to school. That happens more and more all the time. Maybe that’s why Mikey doesn’t believe that I’m trying to stop, ‘cause I’m not. I tried, but I need the pills and booze to take away the pain from my heart. There’s just those little things that makes me feel so bad, so,...... empthy. One thing is that mom and dad have never cared about me. I can play cool and tell everyone that I don’t even need them, but that’s not true. I do need them, I need someone to care about me, to look over me, but not my littlebrother. I’m supposed to look over him, goddamnit. I think I’m not doing so good job about that, either.
I should be in school now. But I’m not, ‘cause I’m in so bad hang over. I sat up on my bed, putting my hand on both sides of my head, trying to stop my head from spinning. I feel so fucking sick right at the moment. I hovered across my room to find some painkillers. They don’t really work so well for me anymore, I’m so used to drugs, but I don’t want to take anything stronger right now. Oh, god. This is suck a killer headache, really. There was a sharp knock at my door. What the fuck -? “yeaaaaa” I called. The door fell open and there stood my dad, looking angry as hell. Or is it just my eyes? “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HOME YOU FUCKER?” dad yelled. Nope, it’s definitely not only my eyes. “I’m sick”, I replied, trying to avoid looking at dad. “Oh yea sure you are. Do you think I don’t know what you do all the time when you’re out or locked in your room, DO YOU?” dad shouted. I didn’t say anything, what could I say? ‘Yeah daddy, I know you know I mess around getting drunk, drugged and fucked up to my ass by other guys’. Sure I will say so, why not.
‘Cause he’ll kill me. He thinks I just drink, well I suppose he don’t know about the drug-part. Or that I’m gay. “YOU’RE BETTER BE IN DOWNSTAIRS IN TWO FUCKING MINUTES AND GO TO SCHOOL, OR YOU’LL FUCKING REGRET NOT GOING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!” and with that, dad hovered out of my room. I think he was drunk by himself, atleast I had just hangover. Drinking in the morning has never been my thing. Maybe I shall try it, see what dad’ll like about that.
Anyway, it’ll be better to go to school, I don’t wanna get in more trouble. I quickly changed my sweet pants to pair of jeans I found on the floor and put a black hoodie over my dirty t-shirt. I put on some deodorant, so that I won’t smell so badly like alcohol. I looked at the clock that was hanging above my door. it’s already nine, I’ll be so late, why do I even have to go? Sighing I went to downstairs. Dad was no-where to be seen, maybe he well asleep in bathroom or something. Atleast now I don’t have to listen more of his yelling. I grabbed my car keys (oh yeah, I have a car, my grandma bought it to me) and schoolback and walked to my car. It wasn’t some expensive car that those rich kids in my school had, but it was okay for me. Not everyone had money like trash. I threw my back in the passenger seat and sat in divers seat, starting the car.
I don’t even know how I made it to school without colliding with some others car, my head was hurting so much that my eyes couldn’t vocus too well. I have english now, but class would end anytime so I’m not bothering to go there. I just sat under some tree and pulled out my sketchbook. There’s this one thing I can do well; drawing.
I had drawn about five minutes when something was thrown out of the school buildings window, hitting my head. It was just some paper. I was just about to threw it away when I noticed there was writing in it. “Yo fag, why don’t u just go back where u come from?” What the fuck? I looked up, expecting to see someones head peeking out of the window, smirking me evily, but there were no-one. I suppose this is not for me, then. I put the paper in my schoolback (I don’t even know why) and continued my drawing. In about half an hour bells rang and people started to pour outside. They laughed with their friends, enjoying the nice weather. In some way, I envy them. It’s not like I’ve to be always alone. I sometimes hang around with Mikeys friends but I bet they don’t like me so much as they pretend to. Also, I got these so_called_friends, who with I go to parties to get so drunk I can’t remember almost enything. Then I just woke up in random places, alone, ‘cause my ‘friends’ had to go home, and got no time to take care of me.
Then I saw someone I haven’t seen before. He was short, got black hair, tight jeans and misfits hoodie. He looked kinda scared and lonely. Maybe he’s some new kid. They always seem to be scared as hell. But there was something different in him too, which made me feel strange, but I don’t know what it was. Suddenly someone blocked my view. “Hi, Gerard I thought you’re not coming today! Wanna come hang around with us?” it was Mikey, smiling down at me. I nodded slowly and let him help me up. I looked over his shoulder towards where the kid was standing, but he wasn’t there anymore. “Gee are you okay?” Mikey asked, worried look on his face. “Yea, yeah I’m okay”, I sighed, following him to where our... well, his friends were sitting.