Nevermind Me

I sighed after I realized how long I’d been walking. For the first half hour I was blank and wandering around. I wished I could go outside, but seeing the snow out there and how it would be stupid to go out there barefoot with pajama shorts and a tank top, I stayed inside.

But my body felt overheated and light. My head was still a mess of sorts and I had no idea how I probably looked to everyone in the lobby. But the swell in my chest, seemed to be undeniable. It was there when I tried to figure out the pros and cons of my situation. It was there when I decided it was ultimately a bad decision. And it was there when I knew I thought about Joe.

It was an hour and a half later when I returned to the seventh floor. In the middle of taking a step, I switched directions, opting for the room Nick had. There was no telling if anyone had left the sleepover or stayed. My room was a safe choice; but Nick was my own personal safety.

Luckily, the lights were out and he wasn’t inside. I flicked on the bedside lamp and sat on the edge of the bed. It’s coolness made me shiver. I wondered what everyone was thinking about my whereabouts, wondered if they’d come to look for me. Maybe not. I hoped not.

Right now I wanted to be alone.

[&&]

For a while I lay with my eyes closed until I was ready to wake up and face the day.

“I know you were up for like, fifteen minutes,” I heard someone say, making me jump. I looked over my shoulder, seeing Nick with his eyebrow raised into a knowing look. When I answered he spoke again. “Way to leave a party youhosted.”

“Can we not talk about yesterday?” I all but pleaded while keeping my voice soft.

A smile appeared on his lips. “Sure.”

It wasn’t the ‘nice, caring’ type smile I loved, but a kind that made my stomach feel weird. It was like he knew something I didn’t. And that gave me the idea today would be a bad day. Just what I needed.

With a sigh, I got out of the bed and went to my bag I kept in Nick’s room. Looking in it, I remembered I needed to start packing. We leave this Saturday. Grabbing some clothes, I went into the bathroom to take a shower. Twenty minutes later I was out, wearing some cotton shorts and a plaid shirt.

“You’re not planning on going anywhere?”

“Not really. I might go back to my room later.”

“But for now?”

“It’s just me and you, Nicholas. Playing guitar and ordering room service.”

“Sounds like a plan, Julie.” He smiled back. Both our heads turned toward the door as someone knocked. We looked at each other before he got up to answer it.

“We’re having a family breakfast you guys. Get some clothes on.” Denise told Nick. She looked over his shoulder, and threw me a caring smile. “Put some heels on, Honey.”

“M’kay.” I smiled back. She waved goodbye and walked away while Nick closed the door.

“Looks like we’re gonna have to take a rain check on those plans, Jules.”

[&&]

It was strangely…silent as we all sat around the table. The usual laughter and playful banter wasn’t there like usual. Denise, Paul, and my mother all spoke to each other. But Nick, Joe, Valerie, and I were silent. Frankie was here but while Kevin was leaving somewhere, he got up and left with him. I sat there awkwardly between Nick and Joe, and picked up the little four pack crayons and the coloring kid’s menu and colored in the farm animals on it.

I didn’t dare look at Joe, knowing something would alert Valerie of it and she’d be on me in a second. I was surprised she already hadn’t tried to embarrass me in front of everyone or cause a scene. I was grateful, too; I didn’t think I’d be able to handle the humiliation of it all/

“Are you guys ready to order?” That perky waiter that got our drinks asked with his bright smile. It brightened up my mood, if only mine. I smiled and nodded my head.

“Could I get the French Toast, please?” I asked him.

“Of course, Beautiful girl.”

“And is there any chance that instead of the eggs I could have hash browns?”

“You got it.” He winked. I returned it with a smile.

“What’s up with all the waiters having a thing for her,” I heard Joe mutter around the back of me to Nick. I turned his way with a minor scowl. How rude. I’m sure this guy was positively gay, and he was just being hospitable. Turning back around, I smiled at the waiter again.

“Thank you so much.” He nodded and took the rest of the table’s orders. We passed our menus down the table to give back to him. When my fingers touched Joe as he passed his to mine, I felt a shock. It was only a portion of what I felt last night. Blushing, I quickly moved my hands away from his and passed over the menu to Nick. I could see him looking at me but didn’t dare acknowledge it. Joe must’ve felt what I did or knew the effect of our contact because he made it so his thigh was touching mine. I tried my best to act like I didn’t notice it, like this small contact wasn’t affecting me. I knew I was blushing, but I said absolutely nothing.

Once the food arrived, we still didn’t speak. Instead of picking at my food, I ate it all. When Steph, our waiter, came back I thanked him for everything. When we left I put a twenty on the table along with the tip Paul had already left.

“What was that for?” Nick asked.

“I like to do nice things for nice people.”

“So…Is Joe a nice person?” He smirked. My face dropped and I looked at Valerie, who apparently heard him if her scowl was any indication. I sighed and got into the elevator with everyone else. Once we were up, I slipped the room key for the room I shared with Garbo and walked in. He wasn’t inside, which I was slightly happy for. I slipped off my heels and threw on a t-shirt, not yet taking off my dress. I heard a bump next door, but figured it was just Joe being Joe. Just as I was reaching under my shirt to unbutton my dress, there was a knock on the door.

“Ye-“ I stopped mid word seeing Valerie. Pissed doesn’t even cover it. She looked livid. “What do you need, Val?”

“Don’t ‘Val’ me. What the fuck is your problem?” She yelled. It made my eyes widen. There wasn’t anyone in the hallway, but with her hollering like she was, there would be soon.

“Valerie, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I shook my head, trying to placate her.

“Don’t bullshitme, Juliet Marie! I know what the hell you’re doing! I just want to know why! Why are you trying to take my boyfriend?” She shrieked, making me cringe. This couldn’t end good, no matter how hard I tried. There was so many reasons why, but the main one was because she wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t walk away when she was at this level of crazy; it would be stupid to try but it was all I could do.

“You’re acting crazy. Go calm down, Valerie.” I tried to blow her off and close the door. She pushed it right back open. I sighed; this wouldn’t end good. I heard another door open and Nick’s head pop out. Shit.

“No! You’re going to talk to me Juliet! You’re going to give me a fuckingexplanation for it! You’re going to say something to me!”

“There’s nothing to say!” I finally yelled right into her face.

“You bitch” She muttered aggressively before coming at me. I stumbled a bit but didn’t fall from her body’s impact to mine. She was hitting me and I grunted, throwing my fists right back. We had each other’s hair, twisting and pulling until we fell. She rolled us so she was on top of me, throwing her hands wildly. With a hardy push from me, she flew back. She tried to get back to me but I began to kick, coming in contact with her face and not really caring. I had no idea how to fight, seeing as this was my first one. My first fight ever had to be against my own sister. It got back to fist fighting until someone grabbed us. We made animalistic noises as we were ripped apart. My face felt hot all over and my stomach ached from where Valerie had gotten a chance to kick me. I’d have bruises later.

I looked up, seeing Nick with his mouth in a tight line, his face turning red as he tried to restrain Valerie as she thrashed manically in his arms. When she couldn’t get away she screamed and began to sob. Angry tears fell down her red face, along with blood from her lip.

“All I asked is that you just stay awayfrom him. My fucking boyfriend and you, you bitch,I hate you. I cannot fucking stand you.”

I was still breathing hard and feeling my head pound. Blowing a hard puff of air, I pulled out of the arms I knew belonged to Joe that held me and stomped out of the room. Everyone was in the hallway, eyes wide and mouth open with what they’d just witnessed. Two sisters fighting about a boy. I felt too ridiculous for words.

“Juliet, what the hell is going on with you two?” My mother grabbed my arm forcefully. There were tears in my eyes as I looked at her. Angry, just like Valerie. Why was she acting like this towards me? Why was everyone against me? Fuck, I didn’t do anything to deserve this! I never tried to do anything to deserve this.

“Ask her. Just, fuck.” I said the last part through clenched teeth, forgetting about my language. I couldn’t even form a explanation for my mother; I couldn’t do anything but cry right now. The tears fell and I slid down the wall and onto the ground. I clawed my hands in my hair and cried, trying not to make too much noise. I didn’t want anyone to bother me. When I felt a hand on my arm, I threw it away from me and kept my forehead on my knees.

This couldn’t be more horrible. My sister just attacked me. She told me she hated me and called me a bitch. Could I really be that bad? I refused to take her words to heart. I wasn’t a bitch. I knew she really didn’t hate me. I didn’t give Valerie a reason to hate me. I go through the ringer just to keep her satisfied. All that progress we made at home after tour was just put to shit three minutes ago. If we’re being completely honest, it went to Hell last night when I kissed Joe.

The tears came harder and my throat was aching sorely. The noises and voices in the hall became less and less until I couldn’t hear anything over my sobs, sniffles, and labored breath. I didn’t wipe my eyes as I lifted my head to look around me. No one was here but me and the security guards by the elevator. They looked at me and turned away immediately, like they had no business looking at me in the first place. Damn right. Breathing a heavy sigh, I crawled off the ground to stand. For a moment, I stood in place, not sure where to go. After a full five minutes of thought, I knocked on Nick’s door.

Probably, assuming it was me, he was quick to answer. His eyes showed me that he was shocked. I must’ve really looked a mess.

“I figured I couldn’t stay out in the hallway all day,” I tried a lame excuse for a joke. I tried to laugh, but let out a weird sob instead. Nick was quick to wrap his arms around me, holding me tight. “It’s fine, Jules.”

“I just need to get cleaned up.” I told him once he let go. He nodded, trying to be inconspicuous about the once over he was giving me. I didn’t care. Going to the neatly folded t-Shirt and boxers I knew were for me, because that’s just how considerate Nicholas was, I headed for the bathroom.

“Wanna talk?” He asked once I was seated and changed. I shrugged, “There’s nothing to say. You heard her. I’m a bitch and I’m trying to steal her boyfriend.”

“You aren’t a bitch.” He shook his head, putting some ice in a bag for my head. I avoided looking in the mirror so he must have spotted some formality on me. Looking down, though, I saw a bruise on my thigh. And I lifted up my shirt to see my stomach getting that bruise I knew was coming.

“But am I trying to steal her boyfriend?” I asked him, accepting the ice. It caught Nick by surprise, because he didn’t answer right away. Instead he sat down in the bed across from me.

“I…” He started but paused before speaking again, “I don’t think you’re trying.”

That answer stunned me. It was my turn not to know what to say. I knew what he meant. I shook my head so I wouldn’t let myself see how right he was.

“No.” I said firmly, putting the ice to my head. I continued to shake my head and forced my thoughts somewhere else.

“No what?”

“No, Nick. Just, no.”

“Juliet, you have to think—”

“No, actually, I don’t.”

“You can’t just act like you don’t feel—”

“Shut up, okay! Can you just stop it! please?” I sounded hysterical as the words came from my mouth, but the tears were burning my eyes again. I didn’t need to cry again; I just wanted to go to sleep like all of this never happened.

A silence filled the room before ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City began to play and my phone buzzed on the bed.

“Wonderful” I muttered sarcastically, seeing Julian’s name on the screen. I sighed before answering. “Hello?”

“Hey, Juliet. I was wondering if we could meet up…?”

“Uhm, yeah, sure. Where?” I rubbed my hand over my eyes slowly.

“Right outside your hotel works.”

“Call me when you’re here.”

“See you.”

I hung up without saying bye, instead I threw my phone on the floor and sighed yet again today. I didn’t look Nick in his eyes. Without a word, I changed into a pair of jeans I’d left here and threw on a pair of flip flops and Nick’s sweatshirt. I didn’t have a coat to put over my white tee shirt but that was too bad now; I picked my stupid phone back up and left. I went downstairs to the lobby to wait for Julian’s call.

It came after fifteen minutes of watching a group of teenagers throw coins into the fountain just to take them out and do it again like it was just the most fun thing ever. I told him I’d be right out and was.

He stood there, looking cold like he’d been out here all day. His blonde hair was tousled like his hands had been through it more times than he could count and his nose was a pinkish red.

“Where’s your coat?” Was the first thing he said to me.

“Inside. Don’t worry about it. What did you need to talk about?” I asked, my eyes squinted somewhat as I twined my hands together and held them to my chest.

“Damn, Juliet. What happened to you? Your—”

“Drop it. Please. What are you here about?”

“Last night.”

“I’m sorry I left like that.” I said automatically, “It was uncalled for.”

“It was understandable. It’s okay, Juliet.”

“No, it’s not. It was rude of me.” I continued to argue.

“Look, that’s not what I came here for. That’s not the problem here.” His voice raised an octave and I was bewildered. Well, what was I out here freezing for?

“What? Was it that dare? It was only a dare, Julian. We were playing.” I tried to make my voice firm, so he’d know I meant it.

“No, Juliet. You weren’t. It may have started as playing but that’s not what you and Joe have. That’s far from games.”

“I don’t understand.” I shook my head.

“Damn it” He cursed, shaking his head, “I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t know. I won’t be around the bush about something that concerns me. Juliet, you’re in love with that guy, why won’t you just admit it?”

“Julian, that’s crazy—”

“No! It’s not! It’s so unbelievably obvious I can’t believe you refuse to say so.” I was taken back by his new tone. How angry he sounded.

“I…I…” No words formed. What could you possibly say here?

I thought about his words. In love with Joe. I couldn’t be in love with Joe. If anything, that’s what I could never do; fall in love with him. I don’t care what everyone else thinks, they don’t know anything!

And then it clicked. The way to shut them up. The way to rid myself of Joe so I didn’t put myself through all this confusion. So I’d never have to fight with my sister or cry in the hallway. I’d doing myself harm but not as much as I would be letting my torment go on.

“I want…you, Julian. Joe is Joe; I don’t want him though. I want to love you” I spoke so softly. I pushed back the nagging in my head that said this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. You weren’t supposed to tell someone you love them like this. Without that desire in you spirit and spark in your eye. I ignored all that.

He stared at me before speaking, “Do you mean that, Juliet?”

“Yes,” I breathed

“Show me.” Without anything else, I walked up to him and kissed him.

I ignored the fact that the warm sensation didn’t fill me up. That instead, I was numb.