Nevermind Me

The last few days my house has been my own private Hell. Before the Disneyland thing, I couldn’t care less about being home alone. But that was because I had Joe, and Nick, and Taylor to talk to. I’ve been avoiding Joe’s calls, and Nick has been avoiding mine. I dropped by the house a few times, actually glad that Joe had his own place so he wouldn’t be there, and every time he was gone. Well the jerk couldn’t hide forever. I knew if I told Denise I wouldn’t even have to try to catch Nick; she’d do it for me once she found out. I scolded myself at the thought of snitching. I had to give him a chance to tell me before I told on him.

I sighed, thinking of the last things Joe and I said to each other. I already knewthat Joe was hurt when I left after our incidents. But what could I do? I was hurting too. I had to run away from something I wanted so badly and he got to keep me and Valerie both.

But I tried to see his view. I didn’t like to, feeling it tear at my heart when I thought of the pain I’d inflicted on him in my fleeing. But I had hurt him; I left without a goodbye or an explanation. I ran away because I felt as if there was nothing I could do. My feeling of obligation to make everyone but myself happy kept me away. I couldn’t take something that didn’t belong to me; even if it really did belong to me in my heart. He wasn’t mine to take; but he’s mine to keep.

I guess it wasn’t right. I should never have given into Joe in the first place. I could have prevented so much hurt on both our behalf. I could’ve settled for Julian and let Valerie keep Joe. Better yet, I could’ve gone to college instead of going on that tour. I would be majoring in English and living near the ocean. I could’ve had it easy without all this heartache. I could’ve never been hurt by the love I felt for Joe. I could’ve been safe.

But I know I wouldn’t have. Because the feeling I got when I was with Joe was nothing I’ve ever felt. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world and everything in it. Because it was everything I’ve never felt. A swell in my heart, a stir in my middle, the fast beating of my lonely heart, the tingle that came with his touch. Just everything; he brought some sort of magic with his presence that hooked me in. I was fascinated, addicted, enchanted, in lovewith it all. He kept me by his magic and making me wonder how I could possibly be feeling this. How I could experience such euphoria and be so unsettled by one person so intensely.

I sighed, rubbing my hands over my eyes. I sat up from my bed, trying to shake off Jonas related thoughts. But then I saw Taylor’s notebook on my floor and immediately jump started thoughts on her and Nick. They still hadn’t spoken. She was steadily gloomy, crying occasionally. She tried to tell me that she was fine when we’d go out for ice cream or at guitar lessons or anything, but I knew better. I knew Taylor like Nick knew me so I could see her hurt. It was weird being the one who could sense the troubles, seeing things for her like Nick did for me. It made me feel less weak, at least. Now I could help her like Nick did for me. I suddenly felt very protective of her.

Standing up and grabbing my keys, my mindset became determined. I grabbed my bag and car keys before jogging out the door and to my car. I had someplace to go before I saw Taylor broken again.

&&

“Juliet?” Denise looked super surprised by my presence at her front door and I could see why. I knew she knew about the separation between her boys and Taylor and I. And I was more than relieved that she had no hard feelings towards me for ignoring Joe because I was certain wouldn’t know how to deal with that. “How are you, Honey?”

“Uh, I’m fine.” I said, somewhat out of breath. I didn’t want Nick to see my car, if he was even here, and not open the door so I parked around the corner. “Is Nick home?”

“Yes, I heard about what he did to that sweet girl you brought over, boy did I light into him.” I was about to ask her something before she said that, making me stop and laugh against my will.

“That’s actually why I’m here, sort of.”

“He’s in his room.” She let me into the house and with a quick thank you, I set a fast pace up the stairs. I didn’t pause at his door to think about what I would say; I walked straight in, catching Nick off guard. His eyes were wide upon seeing me and I saw his mouth move to form words but I wasn’t going to let that happen. Not until I got what I had to say across.

“It’s been a week, Nicholas. A week since you basically broke Taylor into pieces with your cowardice. I don’t know, nor care, what had gotten into you because it doesn’t change the way shefeels. You’ve lectured me time and time again about how I treat Joe and here you are doing exactly what I did: You’re running away. Running away from her and leaving her feeling rejected. Whatever your problem is doesn’t matter because this isn’t only about you. This is about her, too. And while you sit and hide like a child from me, she’s crying because she actually thought you cared—”

“I docare!” He interjected firmly.

“No, because if you did you wouldn’t let her suffer like she does. You wouldn’t let her cry and think that she’s not enough. If you cared you wouldn’t hide from her.”

“What do you want from me, Juliet?”

“You’re a big boy, Nicholas. I’m not going to make choices for you; I’m just going to make damn sure you feel bad for the stupid ones you make. As a friend of yours and hers, I’m telling you to grow out of yourself.” I threw the invitation to the get together we had decided on for all the people in Art Class. We were having a small party, if you will, at the lake. And I was giving Nick a chance to redeem himself by showing up today to apologize to Taylor.

“She’ll be there; if you really care, this is your chance to prove it.” I turned and walked out of his door, taking one of the hugest breathes ever, feeling very accomplished. I just stuck it to someone and it felt great.

&&

It was sunset and there was no sign of Nicholas. By this time, I’d worked up enough anger to be pissed at him. I was already planning to go back to his house, this time ready to physically do damage. I hadn’t told Taylor I went, figuring it would do more harm than good. I was right.

She smiled politely when people spoke to her and didn’t reject anyone’s company when they approached her, although I could tell she badly wanted to. This boy Harley from the class had a crush on her but his Digimon Card collection wasn’t exactly his best attribute. That’s what he was talking her ear off about until I gently prodded him towards the snack table.

Although she tried her best to seem fine, I could tell she was still sad. Whenever she got the chance, she’d go sit on one of the wooden tables closest to the shore and watch the water like it soothed her, which it probably did. She’d just stare out, rubbing her can of soda idly. Every time I saw her over there my heart sank a little more.

Grabbing one of the classic Coke bottles Richie said he bought ‘just for me’, I walked over to where she sat like a lonely statue.

She didn’t look up until I took a seat beside her. “Hey,” I smiled as warmly as I could.

She threw back a small, practiced smile. Her attention automatically went back to the water. I sat with her for a few moments before the shared silence was too much. It wasn’t awkward more than it was painful. And every second that went by made it increase its pressure.

“Want to go down to the water with me?” I tried after five full minutes. It took her around half a minute to reply quietly with a ‘No’, not even looking towards me. Sighing at my failure, I shimmied off the table and walked over and down to where the water met the sand. It felt nice under my bare feet when I stood watching the pink sky. A slight breeze blew past me, making me pull my cardigan tighter around my body, doing the protecting my bikini was failing to.

I settled for sitting on the sand, wrapping my arms around my legs as my gaze took turns watching the sunset and Taylor. After fifteen minutes, in the middle of changing my gaze back to the sky over the water, my double observation transition stuttered. With mixed emotions, I watched a thoroughly guilty looking Nicholas Jonas amble towards Taylor’s forlorn figure perched on the wooden picnic table. She was unaware of everything going on so Nick’s presence didn’t faze her until he was right in front of her.

My pride and hope in Nick restored itself as I watched him actually standing within reach of her. I wouldn’t need to have a return visit to his house and scold him because he’d listened to me. He sucked up some courage to come and fix things.

I watched from my place yards away from them as Taylor dropped her can upon seeing Nick. A look of shock stuck there through whatever he had said to her. She shook her head as he gestured towards a seat beside her and he nodded, sitting next to her. Close.

While I was happy for Taylor, my own loneliness was brought to my attention by seeing Nick and her reunite. He reached for her hand and I turned away, not wanting to see what I didn’t have. It was great helping Taylor but the fact that Nick was Joe’s brother didn’t exactly hide the fact that I was also yearning a reunion of my own. I let my finger fall into the sand, drawing patterns as I tried to avoid my aching feeling. I wanted to go run and find Joe and apologize. He was right, I was wrong that night and I was wrong every night before when I’d abandoned him and every lonely morning he spent because of me. I was the antagonist in the pair; I could see that now. When I admitted all of that to myself, I realized I wanted to tell him that much more. Show him that I did care for him and I wouldn’t hurt him anymore. That I realized what is right and what I want. It was him; it was Joe.

“Hey,” I heard in the middle of my thoughts, scaring me so badly I dropped by Coca Cola bottle and tried to put some space between myself and whoever was speaking to me. Looking up, I saw it was Joe and immediately I relaxed. I felt a flood of emotion, most of all relief at his figure before me, shoveling sand with the toe of his Nike Blazers and his hands stuffed into a hoodie.

I wanted so badly to speak but nothing came out. The person I had been at the Jonas residence hours before was gone, replaced by a mute. I could only watch him as he spoke in a low, soft tone.

“Nick dragged me here. After he swore he had a visit from some crazed person acting as you, he was freaked out until I came to visit.” He quieted himself and continued to not look at me but at his shoe in the sand. I watched his face as my heart thudded in my chest.

“I guess I should apologize, Jules—” There it was. Apologize triggered whatever it was in my body waiting to respond. I jumped up just to wrap my arms around him. The way he jumped showed his surprise but I just held on, nuzzling my face into his chest, my fingers digging into the soft, worn feeling of his hoodie.

“Jul—”

“I’m sorry, Joe. You don’t need to apologize to me, you shouldn’t feel like you have to when I’m the one who’s constantly hurting you. I’ve never ever meant to. I swear. Just, please forgive me. For everything.” I pleaded, hugging him tighter and tighter, breathing in that scent of his that I’d been missing for more time that I wanted. I felt his hands touch my back and found what else I’d been missing.

“I can’t believe you’re apologizing to me.” He said with a chuckle, holding me close. He planted a kiss on my head and I couldn’t get enough of how safe and warm I felt. “Baby, my hurt before doesn’t matter when I have the present to compare it to. Everything we went through led us here, and here is where I wanna be. Holding you, having you as mine. What else should matter when you’re finally taking me as your own? Nothing.”

I could feel tears pricking at my eyes and I tried my hardest not to let them fall. I shouldn’t be crying. I took a few deep breaths, just savoring everything about this that I’ve missed.

“Joe, Joe I love you.” I said into his neck, not looking into his face. I didn’t say it a lot, mostly because I felt guilty due to Valerie. But I couldn’t handle not saying it at a moment like this.

He untucked one arm from around me and used his fingertips you guide my face up to meet his. His kiss, what I’ve reallymissed, soothed me and excited me at the same time. “I love you too, Juliet. I love you, too.”