What If I Told You I Love You

I fastened my right chandelier earring in, some expensive ones my dad got me for my seventeenth birthday when he had to go out of town and missed my party. There were always a lot of sympathy gifts when my dad was gone. My mom always tried to discourage him from doing it but he didn't listen. She thought I would turn into a spoiled brat but in reality that was pretty much bound to happen anyway.

I walked over to my closet slipping on my red high heels to accent the black, strapless, dress I had on. Tonight was the annual Blues Christmas party which was always held in some swanky ballroom downtown, which meant women had to wear dresses and men had to wear tuxes. It's not that I didn't love dressing up, because it was fun, it's just a pain in the ass to have to deal with all those stuck up people who give rich families bad names.

My family really wasn't like that. My dad was down to earth and a great guy even though he pretty much shits money. The only reason he is gone so much is because he loves hockey and he wants to watch all of the games. And even though my mom and dad are divorced, they get along really well. My mom usually comes to St. Louis for Christmas every year, that way I don't have to feel like I need to choose who I want to spend it with, but this year she was going on a much needed vacation. My dad still paid her "child" support, but it was more because he felt guilty that their marriage failed. It wasn't due to lack of love or money, obviously, my mom just didn't want to live in St. Louis anymore and my dad wouldn't give in to her.

I flipped my curly hair over my shoulders, pulling it up and clipping it to my head, but letting a couple strands frame my face. Pretty much the Taylor Swift look. Whatever, I had it first. I clasped my necklace around my neck, and examined myself in my full length mirror. I looked fucking hot. I was glad because tonight was a night I had been looking forward to since I dumped Derek. There was just something about the air tonight, the sense of excitement that made me feel like something, anything could happen. I just hoped it was TJ Oshie with his pants off.

I smiled at myself once more, before grabbing my black pea coat and walking down the staircase to where my dad was waiting by the door. His grey eyes met mine when I walked down and his eyes shone with adoration when he looked at me. He still thought of me as his little girl and sometimes it amazed him that I really was 21 and all grown up.

"Rena, you look beautiful," He said, grabbing my arm and leading me out to the black Escalade we would be riding in.

"Thanks dad," I said, kissing his cheek and then rubbing off the red lipstick I left on it.

We rode to the hall in silence, just enjoying the beautiful night. The city lights shone bright and the streets were lined with wreaths, snow, and lots of bows. The city looked so breathtaking and it just added to my already good mood. I was excited to see TJ and how handsome he probably would look. I was also anxious to see his reaction to my outfit. I had gone shopping with Mel a couple days after TJ and I went to the pond. We tried on loads of dresses and the second I slipped this one on I knew it was the right one.

It hugged every one of my curves before it fell just below my knees. It accented my huge boobs, and made me look and feel beautiful. Even though it was black, I still got it. It was too beautiful to not wear tonight, plus all I needed was some red accessories to make it a little more cheery.

I spent the rest of the ride, day dreaming about TJ and how hot he was sure to look tonight. I thought about his reaction to the dress and all the possibilities that could happen tonight. But they ended up getting me a little hot and the fact that I was with my dad was kind of creepy to me.

We arrived at the banquet hall and were helped out of the car by the doorman. I thanked him, glancing up at the tall building that stood before me, waiting for my dad to join me. He came next to me, squeezing my arm lightly.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Daddy, I was born ready," I giggled, taking the steps with him.

We walked in and my dad took my coat off while I looked around at the brightly decorated hall. Everything in sight was either covered with lights or bows, decked out completely in Christmas attire. I grinned, taking in how nicely the placed look. Every year the marketing people got better and better with how much effort they but into this party.

I ditched my dad as he took my coat to the check in, walking quickly into the ballroom where the real party was. It was just as extravagant in there too, but I was too busy scanning over the crowd, looking for a certain blonde boy who had sparked my interest lately. I found Mel first though and I figured I'd go over and see her first, knowing she would freak out and give me a chicks before dicks lesson.

"Hey hottie," I squealed, turning her around to face me.

"I'm pretty sure I should be saying that to you. You look gorgeous." She wrapped me into a one arm hug and I giggled as she swayed slightly off balance. She was already tipsy and I had only just arrived.

"Thanks." I told her, stepping towards Bergie to give him a hug. "You should probably get her some water unless you want to carry her out of here." I whispered in his ear. Bergie laughed, looking at Mel who was tying to get the last drop out of her champagne flute.

"Honey, that's enough," He told her, "let's get water." He suggested, steering her over to the bar. He turned back giving me a thumbs up. I smiled and returned the gesture, before going up on my tippy toes to see above people's heads. I looked to both my left and right, swiveling my head forward and backwards looking for TJ. I saw someone with his same shaggy blonde hair but he was with a blonde girl and I knew that wouldn't be him. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to go check.

So I pushed my way, muttering apologizes as I went, heading towards where the huge wall of windows were, overlooking St. Louis. I was too busy looking out the window at the falling snow, something that is usually rare but has been going on nonstop lately, that I didn't realize I ran into the blonde girl that was with.. TJ?

I looked at him, the way his tux made him look so much older but his baby face ruined it. How his blonde hair flipped outward and was turning much darker by the day, without the sun lightening it. The way he wore a sheepish smile on his face as the blonde girl glared at me because I spilled some of her drink down the front of her dress. I watched him, with wide, but narrowed eyes, as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"TJ.." I started but trailed off, not sure what to say to him and the train wreck that was playing out in front of me.

A huge sense of deja vu hit me, but this time the pain was almost unbearable. My heart didn't beat, it just fluttered about in my chest, begging for TJ. My eyes started to water and I wanted to wind up and smack TJ for leading me on like this.

TJ cleared his throat, " Uh, Rena, this is Destiny Newman, Des this is Sirena Stillman."

"Nice to meet you," Destiny spoke with an incredible high pitched, FAKE, voice, extending her hand for me to shake. I took it hesitantly.

"Nice to, um, meet you too," I said, fluttering my eyes to give them air so I wouldn't do something embarrassing, like cry.

I looked across the ballroom, over to where Mel and Bergie were watching from the bar. Mel had her eyes narrowed and Bergie looked on with a confused expression. My chest felt tight and I knew I needed to get away from the awkwardness that loomed over all of us.

"I, um, need some air," I choked out, feeling the lump in my throat shove against my vocal cords.

"Rena-" TJ called, but I was already walking away, towards the cool air of outside. I picked up my pace when I heard TJ's steps coming closer, and faster towards my back. I skidded to a stop right before I got the door open. TJ grabbed my shoulders, turning me around just in time for two tears to escape my eyes.

"Rena, she's my cousin. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm not Derek." TJ said, wiping the teardrops off of my cheeks. I swallowed hard, nodding and inwardly slapping myself upside the head.

"It's just, that would be something Derek would do," I lied, trying to cover up the fact that I totally overreacted, and I thought I lost him before I could even call him mine.

"I know," he spoke softly, still rubbing the pads of his thumbs over my cheeks. He placed a soft kiss on my forehead, before pulling me into his body. "You look so beautiful tonight." He whispered into my hair. A grin spread out on my face, satisfied with his reaction. Because even though this dress did make me feel beautiful, TJ's comment just secured it.

"Thanks Teej. You look pretty handsome yourself." I straightened out his jacket, pulling it down a little bit.

"TJ," Destiny called, "Oh you're with your girlfriend." She said as she looked me up and down. Her gaze seemed softer and I wondered if I imagined her being such a bitch because I thought she was with TJ.

"She's not my girlfriend Des. We are just friend." TJ muttered, taking a step away from me.

I frowned at his sudden distance. The way he seemed to inch away from me as the seconds passed in silence. I looked over at him, confused. I mean, I guess technically I wasn't his girlfriend but what the hell? I thought we were moving towards that road. Was I the only one who thought we had feelings for each other? TJ shifted awkwardly next to me, swaying his weight from foot to foot.

"Okay?" Destiny said, giving TJ the same weird look that I had been giving him, before she turned and walked back into the ballroom. TJ and I stood in an uncomfortable silence and I shifted my weight to one leg, trying to hide the sudden insecurity I felt.

"So do you kiss all of your important friends?" I asked him, curious but anger was pushed behind the words and I had to try hard to not let it flash into my eyes.

"No," he mumbled, not looking into my eyes.

"TJ where is all of this going?" I asked him, voicing my confusion. "I know where I want it to go, but what about you?"

"Can't we just be friends? Who occasionally kiss and hold hands and do all of that couple stuff?" He asked me, an unidentified emotion flashing through his eyes. But if I had to guess, I would say it was pain. My eyes narrowed in anger. He wanted me to be the girl he could have all of the steadiness of a relationship with but he didn't want to be with me. He wanted to have other girls on the side. Psh, fuck that. And fuck him.

"Friends with benefits?" I asked, wanting some clarification.

"Yeah, it's just. I don't see us ever being in an actual relationship." He told me, nudging a spot on the floor with his foot. He never made eye contact with me. Just kept looking at the floor or anything that wasn't me.

"Oh, I understand. You're not my type anyway." I lied, sweetly. This caused his head to snap up, looking me dead in the eye.

"What?" He asked, clearly confused by what I just voice out loud.

I took a couple steps towards him, " yeah. I mean first off, your a hockey player, remember? Second of all, you're gone all of the time and I just couldn't deal with that." I took a couple more steps towards him, watching his eyes take in my appearance, the way I sashayed towards him, gracefully and with a sexy air about me. I felt one corner of my mouth turn up into a crooked smile and TJ's eyes begged me to move faster. My lips parted and my tongue slid to the side of my mouth, making his eyes grow droopy.

I put my hand on his chest and I felt the rapid rising and falling of his breathing. I was making him nervous, his eyes showed it and his cheeks were flushed, a deep, Christmas, red. I pushed on his chest making him take a step back. I kept moving him towards the closet that was behind him, the one I had located the moment I walked through the door. I wanted to do bad things to TJ Oshie in that closet when I came in and I still did.

I pressed him up against the door, pinning him there with my hips. His eyes shone with lust and excitement, urging me on. I licked my lips seductively before I placed them against his and he kissed back greedily, pressing hard enough to bruise. My arms glided over his chest, sliding up his shoulders and my fingers tangled gently in the hair at the nape of his neck. He groaned into my mouth as I tugged lightly, bring his hand up to the back of my neck, holding me to him firmly. He took the hand that was digging into my hip off, and reached for the door handle, catching on to my idea.

He pushed the door open, stumbling in and dragging me behind him. He quickly grabbed my arm and slammed me up against the door, taking control like I knew he would. I felt my self-control slipping away and I tried to hold onto it for just a little longer, to enjoy this a little bit more. TJ's lips fluttered about my collar bone, working left towards my neck. His lips hit the point where my neck meets my shoulder and I took in a sharp breath as TJ smirked against my skin. His hands pushed under my dress, landing on my bare hips. His thumbs hooked into my panties, sliding them down to mid-thigh before I pushed his head away from my neck.

I stared into his eyes, my breathing sporadic, my chest heaving from trying to get air. His hands were paused on my thighs while his hips held me to the door, suspended in air. He didn't talk but his eyes held 'what' in them. And I asked myself the same thing. So instead of answering, I grabbed the back of his neck forcefully and brought his lips to mine again. He pulled my panties all the way off, throwing them over his shoulder, before placing his hands on my butt, holding me tightly to him again.

I wiggled against him, wanting to be set down so I could take an article of clothing off of him. I had already managed to pull his tie off and it had fallen to the ground below our feet. He obliged, setting me back on my pumps. I gave him a crooked smile, tugging on his belt loops so we were pressed against each other again. I pulled his belt through the buckle, and released the buttons, before working on the zipper. I could tell he was just as ready as I was and a shiver ran down my spine at the thought of what we were about to do.

But then I got a conscience. Thoughts danced about my head as I slid TJ's pants down around his ankles before reaching back up for his boxers. My hands paused before them, hooked in the waistband, when I thought of something. What happens after we sleep together? Does he go back to being an asshole? Is this his main objective because he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I shook my head, pulling his boxers down to join his pants around his ankles. The sight of TJ with no pants on should have, and probably would have if I wasn't acting stupid, gotten rid of any second thoughts that I had in my head, but it didn't. My eyes traveled up to his, seeing the lust and eagerness in them and his face came closer to mine while his hands reached towards me.

You can't lose him because of sex, Sirena. That's all this is right now. You need him to love you like you love him.

It ran through my mind the split second before his lips collapsed on mine. So when he brought them down, they collided with my cheek instead. TJ pulled away instantly when I put my hands on his chest, pushing him away from me. He had a look of complete shock on his face and panic ran through his eyes.

"I can't do this, I'm sorry." I told him, turning and ripping the door open and sprinting into the ballroom.

I ran past people, into people, desperate to get to my dad so that I could get my jacket and get out of here. I found him in a conversation with some of the coaching staff. I stepped next to my dad, tugging on his arm.

"Dad, I don't feel good, can I get my coat and leave?" I asked, my eyes begging and pleading to him.

"Yeah, do you want me to come too?"He wondered.

I shook my head as he held up the number for my coat. I took a small glance towards the closet door noticing TJ coming out of it with his eyes narrowed and his cheeks on fire. I gulped and ran towards the coat check even though my red heels were making it a little hard. I slid to a stop handing the person my card and tapping my foot impatiently, glancing at the door every two seconds to make sure TJ wasn't coming.

Finally, I got my pea coat just as TJ rounded the corner, he looked away from me first, towards his right, and I jumped behind a pillar, praying he didn't see me. I stood there, the doorman gave me a confused look, but he went back to ignoring me after a couple seconds. I wanted to see if the coast was clear but I knew I couldn't look myself.

"Psst," I whispered to the doorman, he looked back at me with an amused expression.

"He's gone," He assured me.

"Thanks," I mumbled, rolling my shoulders back and heading to where our car would be waiting for me.

"He was looking pretty frantic though. Are you sure you want to leave?" He asked me. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"I'm sure he will be just fine." I informed him.

"Yeah, a pretty brunette found him when you were hiding behind the pillar. You're cuter though." He smirked, moving towards me.

"Back your shit up unless you want to get maced." I snapped, yanking my pepper spray out of my purse. He held his hands up and I move towards the door.

I walked out of the banquet hall, shivering slightly at the winter air that wrapped around me and intruded on my bare skin. I let a smile grace my lips lightly, thinking of TJ frantically searching for me. He has to care about me right? I mean if it's just sex, why do you go looking for someone? TJ Oshie had my head swimming around on my shoulders, trying to figure him out but always falling short of an answer.

Even though I feel some what accomplished because I had the strength to walk away; I also feel like a big bitch because of what I just did. But my mind was still buzzing from his kiss, my cheeks still flushed from the excitement, and my legs still wobbly from his wandering hands. I fanned myself lightly, picking up my walking to help cool myself off. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to run back to the closet. I didn't want to pull away when his lips were coming to mine again and his pants around his ankles. But I did, after all TJ obviously likes the chase. And if I want him around for a while, I've got to keep him on his toes.