What If I Told You I Love You

To my utter shock, TJ actually listened to me. He turned around, grabbing my hand in his and pulled me back to the bed he had occupied until a minute ago.

"Okay, talk." He said, his face calm, voice neutral.

"TJ, I really am sorry for what happened at the Christmas party. I don't know how to explain it to you without feel utterly stupid and sounding like a whiney little girl." I told him honestly. My heart was beating wildly in my chest and I felt insecure and totally exposed to him, as I stood in front of him, pacing ever so slowly.

"Rena, I'm not going to judge you. You wanted to talk, so just tell me what happened. I want to understand." He told me, grabbing my hand and pulling me so I was sitting on his lap. I took a deep breath, folding a piece of my hair behind my ear.

"So, I really had no intension of attacking you that night. I mean, I thought about it but I never thought I would do it. It's just, you said that thing about not being in a relationship with me and it felt like such a slap to the face, almost like it was because you weren't attracted to me. So I just wanted to tease you a little bit, show you what you could have but turned down." He opened his mouth and I clasped my hand over it, "no, you keep your mouth shut. I'm not finished. Another reason is that, I just, I'm just scared that sex is all you want from me, you know? Like once you get that, you're just going to drop me and move on with your life. TJ, I really care about you, despite how much I hated you in the beginning, and it would hurt a lot if you did that to me." I finished, closing my eyes to avoid having to look at him.

He stayed silent, letting my words sink it, before he grabbed my chin in his hand, shaking it slightly. His lips brushed across mine in the lightest of kisses that made my heart stop beating. "Open your eyes," he commanded, trailing more kisses down my jaw, to the collar of my t-shirt. I did as he told, my eyes fluttering open.

"Rena, I hate to be blunt but I think that it's the best way I can make you understand. I can get sex from any other girl. I don't need it from you. I want it from you. But I understand why you feel that way. A lot of guys are like that, but I promise you that this is so much more to me. I need you to understand that for me, you are way more important than just some girl I would fuck and chuck. You're not a one night stand, you're a long term deal." He said, running a hand through my hair. His voice sounded pleading, almost like he was begging me to understand, to hear how sincere he was. My mouth turned up into a smile, enjoying the reassuring words that flowed from his lips.

"I'm really glad we are having this talk right now," I told him, looking into his blue eyes, matching the intensity of mine.

"Me too," he whispered.

Our lips were drawn together by the same magnetic force that had always been pushing us towards one another. We kissed and made up, enjoying how comfortable all of this felt. He pulled away, pushing me onto my feet and leading me out of the hotel room. I sighed, not really wanting to leave after we had just been getting started. We walked to the elevator, riding it down to the lobby where everyone was waiting for us. TJ and I still had our hands laced together and he kissed my temple at the same moment my dad looked up at us.

He raised his eyebrows at me, a noticeable smile spreading onto his face, while a bunch of the Blues elbowed each other "discreetly".

"Osh, she is way out of your league man," DJ King told him, winking at us which earned a very vicious glare from TJ. His eyes flashed with unmistakable anger and it made me shutter slightly. DJ just cracked a smile at him and muttered a "sucks to be you" under his breath before he waltzed towards the doors. TJ and I followed behind and I tugged on his hand to get his attention.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, hoping he wasn't going to have a mood swing and change back into the jackass he had been.

"Trust me, I've got you right here which makes everything okay," He told me, squeezing my hand before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and holding me to his side. I looked up at him, watching him grimace a little bit before letting himself relax. I ignored it like I always had. He had been acting like this lately, I wasn't sure why. But it obviously wasn't anything important.
***

I was having a dance party in my living room a couple days after we got back from Canada, singing my heart out at the top of my lungs. I had so much pent up energy that I just needed to dance it out. Since TJ and I had our talk, we had been texting and talking to each other constantly. It was nice to finally have a real conversation with him without any fighting and it made me giddy to think that there was a real possibility that something could happen between us.

I belted out the lyrics to Fearless, an epic Taylor Swift song that always seemed to make me want to dance and sing. Right now more than ever, it just explained my life. I was willing to be fearless with TJ, throw myself off of a cliff, into untreaded, rough waters, but hoping to land right into his arms. I knew that all of this would be worth it as long as I got to have TJ in the end.

A knock sounded at the door, and I figured it was just Mel, coming to join me for an epic dance party. So I turned up the music and slid over to the door in my socks. I had my hairbrush in my hand screeching into it, making my dog howl in protest. If dogs could give annoyed looks, I'm pretty sure I would be getting one right now.

I slid to a stop at the door, screaming into my hair brush," but you pull me in and I'm a little more brave. It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something." Of course, all of this with my eyes closed so that I can belt it out even more. And when I opened my eyes and saw a VERY amused TJ, I slipped on the tile of the entry way and crashed right onto my ass, my hairbrush hitting my poor dog on the head.

"Oh my god, fuck my life," I whispered, more to myself than TJ. I covered my burning face with my hands, begging John Curry to just kill me now. I felt TJ's arms wrap around my waist, hoisting me up so I was standing again. He pulled on my hands but I shook my head, "I'm way to fucking embarrassed to even look at you right now."

"Hey, I thought you were pretty good. I never got to go to a Taylor Swift concert. Well I did, but that was at Wefest and I spent the majority of that wasted off my ass and well, you get the picture." He said, trying to get me to look at him.

"Oh my god, I'm just going to go die now." I told him, turning and by memory, walking down the hall to the kitchen.

I grabbed a cup of water taking a drink because I was incredibly thirsty and I hoped the cold water would stop the blood from rushing to my face. I turned on my heels, leaning against the sink and trying to ignore a smirking TJ, who was leaned against the door jam watching me with a weird little glint in his eye.

"Why are you even here?" I asked, cringing at how bitchy I sounded.

"Because I wanted to see you." He shrugged, crossing the kitchen in a couple long strides. "Is that okay?" An amused expression, along with a smug smile, made an appearance on his baby face.

"Well, yeah." I said, snuggling into his outstretched arms. "But I know you. You always have an agenda." He chuckled, making his chest vibrate in a sweet sound that was, literally, music to my ears.

"You're right." He said to me, rocking me gently in his arms. He didn't say anything after that, just continued to massage my back, and place soft kisses on top of my head. I just stood there in his arms, letting him hold me. I felt the embarrassed feeling slip off my body, replaced by a mood of content. I embraced the way TJ's arms seemed to be steady objects that would always be there to hold me up.

TJ's finger came under my chin, bring my face level to his, that was bending down. Our lips pressed together in a kiss that was so soft and innocent, it felt like your first one, but without all of the awkwardness. It held so much promise, of a better relationship, a better year, and most of all, a better TJ. The sweetness of it all hit me like a truck and just made me fall even more in love with him.

He pressed me back up against the counter, forcefully enough that I teetered off balance a little, but his hands came up and steadied me, one on my hip, the other on the back of my head, protecting it from the cupboard. The kiss was starting to get hot, his lips moved faster against mine. Our breathing was becoming rough and his tongue slid into my mouth, hot and intruding.

A whine coming from the floor that made my eyes open and I pulled roughly away from TJ, his lips sliding to my cheek, before pulling away also. I looked down at my cute chocolate lab, Riley, whom I named after my imaginary friend that I had when I was little. I got her when I was 10 and I was heart broken when my parents told me that it was time to let go of imaginary Riley and start making real friends. Their solution? Get me a puppy.

"Ry, you wanna go for a walk?" I asked her in a baby voice, bending down to her level. Her tail wagged happily, her tongue poking out of her mouth to slobber me with kisses. "Oh, thank you!" I exclaimed to her, scratching her ears.

I grabbed her leash from the hook next to the door, along with her favorite tennis ball, and pulled TJ out of my house, never once asking if he wanted to come with. He trudged next to me as I walked, actually Riley pulled me, down the street, towards a park that had a big open field that she could run crazy in. I giggled as she pulled harder and harder on the leash the closer we got to our destination. She knew this way as well as any human.

"Pups, slow down," I muttered to her, tugging her back so she was walking next to me, on my right side, while TJ walked on my left, closest to all of the cars.

"Where are we going?" TJ asked, lacing my finger with his.

"To a park that has an open field so she can play. She's been inside all day." I told him, tugging Riley away from eating some grass.

"Poor dog. Had to listen to your terrible singing all day?" He joked, laughing at the end.

I just rolled my eyes, shaking my head at his stupid joke. We reached the end of my street, and turned right. The park was now coming into sight and Riley tugged even harder on the leash. I laughed, knowing what she wanted, and stopped her. TJ stopped too, looking at me with a weird expression.

"What are you-"

But I didn't even hear the rest. I took off with Riley, running full tilt towards the park, laughing when some of her spit hit my leg. Most of the snow was starting to melt off of the sidewalk, so I had to jump over several puddles in order to save my nikes. Riley matched me stride to bound, never missing a beat even though she was getting up there in age. I glanced behind me as I slowed to a jog, noticing TJ jogging towards me. He looked adorable with his huge grin, jeans and a sweatshirt. He came up next to me, his breathing not even labored compared to mine.

"A little warning next time?" He asked,wrapping an arm around my shoulder after I unleashed Riley. She ran into the filed, sprinting around it like she hadn't been free for days. I smiled, knowing that TJ gave me the same feeling running gave her. "Your dog is a lot like you." He murmured in my ear, watching the same scene I was. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me into his warmth. I rested my head against his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of his weight pressed against mine.

"Are you saying I look like a dog?" I jokingly asked.

"No, I'm saying you both are free spirited. It's actually one of my favorite qualities about you." He murmured low in my ear. He nuzzled his nose in my neck and I giggled when the tips of his hair, that was now fading brown, tickled my cheek.

Riley came bounding back over to me, yelping for the ball to be thrown. I obliged, sending it soaring through the air.

"Wow. Did not expect it to go that far," TJ said honestly, watching the ball land about 40 yards from us.

"You think I'm such a girlie girl," I complained.

"Have you seen the way you dress?" He asked me, pointing to my designer jeans and sweatshirt.

"I dress like this because I like to look nice. Plus, if you have as much money as I do, you should look nice. I was born with the notion that you always have to look your best. You never know who is watching."

"That's fucked up," TJ said, "you look just as sexy in old sweatpants and one of my shirts."

"How do you know?" I asked, narrowing my eyes playfully.

"Because It doesn't matter what you wear. You will always look beautiful to me." He said simply, stepping around me to grab the ball from an approaching Riley.

My heart fluttered in my chest and my stomach feel to my knees when the words flowed, so easily, from his mouth. It was almost like he had thought of it before, like he had been wanting to tell me for so long. A grin stretched across my face as TJ turned back to me after sending Riley on another chase. I looked away, towards the trail where another young couple was walking their dog. The girl buried her face in her boyfriend's shoulder, laughing loudly at something he just said. They looked so adorable together, holding hands, and laughing, just enjoying life with each other by their side.

"I want someone to call mine," I whispered quietly to myself.

"Want what?" TJ asked, his eye brows furrowing together.

"Oh, um, nothing." I said, shaking my head folding a piece of my hair behind my ear.

TJ looked over my head, his eyes following the couple that I had just been watching. He studied them intently, watching their movements, trying to figure out what I wanted so he could give it to me. But he already made it perfectly clear that he didn't want that. His eyebrows lowered and then his eyes flashed with recognition.

He turned to me, a small smile on my face, before he reached around to the back of his neck. He fiddled with something back there, and then pulled a necklace I never even knew he had on, to show me. It was just a simple gold chain with a cross hanging off of it. I gulped, praying to God this simple necklace was soon going to mean something more.

He grabbed my shoulders, turning me around so that my back was facing him. The necklace touched the warm skin of my neck, sending a shock of electricity through my body. He clasped it, and the weight immediately was welcomed on my neck.

"I want you to be mine and only mine. I want to hug you, kiss you, and hold you anytime I want." He whispered into my ear. I gulped, my breathing was becoming shallow and my knees were starting to get week.

He grabbed my shoulders again, turning me towards him this time. His lips crashed onto mine, sending waves of pleasure rocking to my core. Riley barked next to me but I ignored her, not wanting this moment to end. My mind was completely blank and I couldn't focus on anything but how incredible this all felt. What he was asking, the kiss, and what this meant for us going forward. TJ's lips started to curl into a smile right before he pulled away, if you could call it that. There was nothing but a mere breath in between us.

"Wanna be my girlfriend?" He asked, his lips brushing against mine with ever word. My eyes were closed but I could feel him watching me and when he gave me an eskimo kiss, I knew I had to look at him. So I did. I took in the familiar intensity of his eyes, the killer smile, and rosy cheeks, already knowing my answer. I just nodded my head, not trusting my voice at the moment.

He picked me up, spinning me around, causing Riley to bark and the scream that escaped my lips. He gave me a huge smile, before crashing his lips back on mine, but it didn't last long, neither of us could keep the smiles off of our faces. Our lips came together in a couple fast kisses before TJ set me back down and Riley dropped the ball to my feet.

We spent the rest of the afternoon, stealing kisses and playing with Riley, enjoying the "warm" winter afternoon. I constantly found myself playing with TJ's necklace, absentmindedly rubbing it between my fingers so that I knew it was really there. I caught TJ stealing glances at me multiple times. I think he liked getting caught because he knew he would get some form of attention. He was kind of an attention hog like that. We just sat there the rest of the day, enjoying each others company, and watching time pass us by.

Later on that night, TJ and I were curled up watching a movie, once again just enjoying each others company. It felt good to be able to call him mine, to have the weight of his necklace around my neck and that constant reminder that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. It felt good to text Mel, telling her TJ asked me the question I hadn't even known I had been waiting for. Her response? It's about damn time, TJ! I showed him that, and he laughed, shaking his head sheepishly.

TJ stayed with me the rest of the night, even after both of us fell asleep on the couch. My dad woke us up, coming home late from some benefit downtown that I had declined to go to. He shook TJ's shoulder, the one my head happened to be resting on and TJ scooped me up in his arms, carrying me to my room. I felt him place a light kiss on my forehead, before he walked out of my room. I heard his truck start after that, then my phone vibrating on the table next to the bed. I grabbed it, flipping it open and enjoying the words that flashed across the screen.

sleep tight baby. I'll be thinking of you.

A smile graced my lips and I feel back onto my bed. I turned and screamed into my pillow like I did when I was 16 and got my first boyfriend. I felt so giddy but tired at the same time, I could barely think straight, let alone respond to what TJ said. So I didn't. Instead I forced myself to sleep by explaining that the sooner I went to bed, the faster I could see him again.

All of this felt so much like young, teenage love but at the same time, it felt like so much more. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, all I knew was that this feeling made me feel like for the first time in my life, I was living the way some people can only dream about. And that was enough to risk my heart, my pride, and everything else that needed to be put on the line, in order to experience the one thing that can make or break the rest of your life.