What If I Told You I Love You

Time was starting to fly by so fast, that all I saw was a blur of days go by me. It was now mid-March, March 21st to be exact, and the boys were due home from their last road trip to Canada of the season. It had been a long six days without them and the last day was going by excruciating long. Mel and I had decided to go shopping to help make the time pass faster, but it ended up not helping one bit. Maybe it was because I couldn't get TJ off my mind, or maybe it was the texts he was sending me, telling me he was grounded in Calgary until further notice. I sighed, flipping my phone shut after reading that piece of information.

"They are stuck in Calgary." I told Mel, who was looking through a rack of adorable spring dresses.

"Damn!" Mel whined, stomping away from the dresses and walking out of our most recent store. "I need to eat. I'm so hungry." She continued to whine until I told her I was too; so we headed to the same Italian restaurant that we had been in a couple months before, back before TJ and I had gotten together. I smiled as we shuffled past the table we had been seated in that day, towards the back, away form the crowd of the mall.

"I told Pat I loved him the day before he left." Mel blurted out, her face falling into a deep frown. She scooted into the booth, immediately putting her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands.

"And?" I asked, my eyebrows raised.

"All I got was silence," She huffed, taking a long sip of the water that had just been set in front of her.

"Ouch," I murmured, taking in her dejected look.

"And then he left without saying goodbye. I shouldn't have said anything." She whispered, tears evident in her usually sparkling blue eyes.

"He was probably just caught off guard," I assured her, squeezing her hand.

"I don't know," Mel sighed, looking at the people passing by outside the restaurant.

"Well, what did his face look like?" I asked her.

"A lot like mine when TJ told me you guys haven't had sex yet."

I choked a little bit on my Coke, coughing and sputtering, "what did you just say?" I asked her, my mouth open in shock.

"You heard me," she smirked, "Sirena, what the hell are you waiting for. He's your boyfriend for Christ sakes. At least give him head or something." I clasped my hand over her mouth.

"We are in a public place, Mel," I hissed at her, looking around at the people seated by us. "You can't just say shit like that out loud."

"Whatever. You didn't answer my question." She countered, folding her arms across her chest.

Luckily, the waiter showed up at that moment, taking our orders but then quickly disappearing into the kitchen again. I sighed, looking over at Mel and her pointed look.

"What?" I asked, turning my hands up at her.

"You're scared." She spoke softly, glancing about my features, looking for the giveaway clue.

"Well, wouldn't you be if you were dating TJ? He is so much more experienced than I am. I mean, I've only had sex with one guy. And it wasn't even that great."

"I bet TJ wouldn't even notice. It's obvious he's been suffering through blue balls for you." She pointed out.

"And how do you know?" I asked her, my eyes narrowed at her.

"Because whenever he comes back from being with you, and I'm around. He heads straight to his room, or the shower. Poor guy has to do himself. How embarrassing." She shook her head like she was pitying him. I kicked her under the table.

"Ugh," I groaned, putting my head on the table, "I don't even know why I won't sleep with him. I'm just being a baby, I know. And every time we almost get close, I chicken out. Like the night before TJ left, we were so close. I mean like, clothes were littering the floor, close. And TJ was like hovering over me and I was just laying on the bed, frozen with fear, letting him do what he wanted to my body. Things were getting heated, I mean obviously I was turned on. But when it came down to the home stretch, TJ pulled away and was like 'we aren't doing this. You obviously aren't ready.' And then he went into my bathroom and didn't come out for a half hour. But then when he did come out, he acted like it never even happened." I finished, sighing at her amused look.

"It's so weird to see you so messed up over a guy. After that year with Derek, I wasn't sure if you would be up for dudes anymore. I know if I dated him, I would want to go lesbian. Are you sure that isn't it? Because I know for a fact that all the girls in St. Louis and beyond, would kill to be you right now." She explained, twirling her straw around in her glass.

I nodded my head, "I know. I wish I could just do it. But I just, I just can't. And I'm not too sure why."

"Maybe It's just what TJ said. You aren't ready. That's fine. But I think it's more fear than anything else. But since when have you let that get the best of you? You've always been good at doing things you were deathly afraid of. Like that roller coaster we went on in California when we were 13. You cried the whole time but you did it because you didn't want to miss out on a great experience. Just think of the sex problem as that. An experience. I HIGHLY doubt you, or any other girl for that mattered, would ever regret fucking TJ Oshie."

I was quiet after that, because I knew she was right, and because I didn't really know what to say. I was just being a little girl about the whole thing. Sex shouldn't be that big of a deal. It never had been before. I mean I had only been with one guy, when I was 16 and that was to rebel against my parents, but we had sex a lot. I mean, A LOT, A LOT. And from what I can tell, if it didn't feel that good, it must not have been. I have a feeling though, things with TJ would be different, so different that I probably wouldn't be able to keep myself under control. And that's what I think, no that's what I know, I'm afraid of. Losing control with TJ could be a very, very, bad thing.

Our food came and our conversation shifted away from sex, more towards random things, never focusing on one topic for longer than a few bites. We talked about random things, like the upcoming summer, the end of the season, and random stuff, like how we should take Bella and Riley for a walk later that night, if the boys weren't back in time. I giggled when the waiter asked us if we wanted dessert, to which Mel screamed yes.

"I need to eat my feelings. Don't act like you don't miss TJ as much as I miss Pat." She glared at me. I held my hands up in defense.

"I never said I didn't," I told her, looking past her shoulder at a guy who was walking by the restaurant window.

He looked a lot like TJ. His hair was shaggy but in a sexy, let me run my fingers through it, kind of way. It made me smile and miss TJ a lot more than I already did, as if that was even possible. I smiled as another guy, the same height as TJ, walked by talking on a cell phone. He accidentally bumped into a woman, spilling her coffee on the sidewalk. Their eyes connected and I watched as one another tripped over themselves to apologize, but trying to find away to make the conversation last.

"God, love has made you into a softy." Mel muttered, stabbing her fork into a decadent piece of cake, that almost looked too good to eat. "Speaking of love," she continued, talking around the cake in her mouth. "Have you told him you loveee him yet?"

"No, we aren't at that stage yet."

"You don't have to be fucking to be in love, Rena." She spoke bluntly, and rather loudly.

"Oh my god," I muttered, hiding my face from the disapproving eyes of two older ladies next to us.

"What? I'm serious, it's obvious you guys love each other. I mean, I know for a fact that you love him." She told me, taking a gulp of her water.

"TJ eats better than you are right now." I told her, scrunching my nose at her.

She gave me one more pointed look, before dropping the subject completely. We finished the meal and it was starting to get dark out. After all, it was about six o'clock and even though it was starting to stay light out longer, it was still getting dark too early for my taste. Mel and I decided against going into anymore stores. We just wanted to go back to TJ and Bergie's apartment and wallow because they were still stuck in Canada.

We walked in and Bella, their adorable puppy, immediately attacked the both of us, licking the hand I extended towards her, and then jumping up on Mel. Mel screamed and pushed Bella down, scolding her and giving me a glare.

"Why doesn't she do that to you?" Mel pouted.

"Because I'm the alpha bitch," I told her, totally serious, but still laughing when Mel burst into hysterics.

"That's for sure," Mel said, heading down the hallway towards Bergie's room.

I did the same, but hooked a left and then a quick right, walking into TJ's bedroom. I leaped onto his king size bed, welcoming the smell of him. I looked around the room, letting the familiar setting comfort my loneliness and the way my body ached to be next to his. It was kind of ridiculous that he hadn't even been gone that long and I missed him like it had been years. I guess Mel was right, love did make me into a softy. I can't even remember ever missing Derek or any of my other boyfriends for that matter. There was just something about TJ that made everything change. My demeanor, the way I thought about love, and my attitude about life in general. All of a sudden, TJ Oshie walked into my life, and he was a new reason to live.

I sighed, feeling myself drift in and out of sleep as I waited for Mel to come in here and drag me up, but she never came. So I shuffled my sleepy body off of the bed, glancing at the clock, and noticing it was already 10:00, which meant I had been sleeping a lot longer than I thought. I shuffled down to Bergie's room, noticing Mel was asleep in his bed, Bella curled up by her feet. I smiled, shaking my head, and heading back to TJ's room.

I immediately pulled off the long-sleeved, American Eagle shirt that I had been wearing, and pulled one of TJ's shirts from his closet. I breathed in deep, appreciating the smell that was brought to my senses as the shirt slipped onto my body. I pulled my jeans off, stumbling around as I tugged at the denim. I finally escaped and slipped on a pair of TJ's North Dakota sweatpants. I smiled to myself, before climbing into his bed again.

It didn't take long before I fell into a deep sleep, much deeper than the one that I had previously been experiencing. I didn't dream, just slept, and let my body rejuvenate. Missing TJ so much was starting to ware me out. My eyelids fluttered open at the sound of a door shutting at about 2:00 AM. I squinted at the hallway light, that I didn't remember leaving on, and listened to the sound of footsteps and claws tapping against the hardwood floors. I crossed my fingers under the blanket, quickly praying that it was TJ.

TJ came into view, stepping into the room and shutting the door after Bella sauntered in. Bella picked her walk up to a trot and leaped up onto the bed, directly on my stomach.

"Bella, no!" TJ scolded her firmly, she hung her head, while TJ put his hand on my stomach in a healing way. He leaned down, placing his lips softly on my forehead, "I'm sorry. Go back to sleep." He whispered, brushing the pads of his thumbs of over my cheeks. He started to pull away but he didn't get far. My hands grabbed his cheeks, yanking him down to me and kissing him the way I had been imagining since the day he left.

"Mmm," I hummed against his lips, enjoying the smooth feeling of them, and the way his face fit perfectly in my hands. "I missed you." I whispered to him.

His eyes lit up and a smile formed, despite how tired he obviously was, "the feeling is mutual, sweetie." He wrapped his hands around my small wrists, the massiveness of them completely covering my small wrists. He took my hands away from his face, dropping them on the bed next to me, before turning on his heel and walking to his closet. He stripped out of his suit and if I hadn't been so tired, I totally would have been doing cat calls.

He shuffled back over to bed, leaping into the middle and jostling me, making my eyes flutter open again. I groaned my protests at him, but his arms scooped around my body, pulling my close enough to make Bella jealous. She whined and nudged TJ's leg with her nose, causing an eye roll from him.

"She's just so touchy," He murmured into the hair that was resting on my shoulder, under his head.

"You are just saying that because she's a girl," I pouted.

"You're a girl. You don't act like her." He countered.

"That's because you haven't given me a reason. yet." I told him, an evil smirk painting my lips.

"That'll be the day," TJ muttered, before he rolled onto his back, pulling me with him.

The talking subsided and all that could be heard was the light snoring of Bella from the foot of the bed. A content smile formed on my lips and I felt myself drifting towards sleep once more. I shifted around on TJ's shoulder, looking up at him and kissing the side of his jaw.

"Goodnight," I murmured, my lips brushing against his jaw again.

"Night," TJ sluggishly responded, his lips brushing against my forehead before both of us drifted into an uninterrupted sleep.