What If I Told You I Love You

When I finally opened my eyes the next morning, the sun was in a different spot in the sky. It wasn't shinning into my room like it normally was, straight and intruding, in through my window. But the sun fluttered around the room making it glow in the same way I was sure I still was. So basically what I'm trying to say is that, It was late in the afternoon which is why I wasn't surprised when I rolled over and TJ was not there.

I ran my hand along his pillow and then down to the sheets, feeling the coolness of them and the surge of disappointment, knowing he hadn't been in bed with me for, I'd say, hours. I sighed and flipped the covers off of my body, stretching my sore muscles. I padded over to the bathroom and cleaned my body in a fast shower before throwing on some scrubby clothes and wandering downstairs.

I was surprised to find that the second I got off the last step, I smelled bacon. I smiled, knowing my dad hated bacon and that only TJ knew that it was a secret weakness of mine. I jogged towards the kitchen, turning the corner and having to grab on to the wall in order to not slip and fall. TJ was leaning against the counter, his butt resting on it, and facing me with a huge smile.

"Nice entrance," he laughed, watching as I crossed the kitchen towards him.

"You're making me breakfast?" I cooed, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Well, someone has to be productive today and by now it's lunch," he told me with a roll of his eyes.

I tisked at him and looked to the left at what else he was making. I was greeted with the wonderful sight of bacon, pancakes, and some eggs that made my stomach growl. TJ laughed, and pulled me with him, unwrapping one of his arms so he could flip the pancakes. I moved my arm from around his waist, instead opting to hold his hand as I grabbed some plates from the cupboard.

We loaded up our plates with food, both extremely hungry after last nights activities, trying to keep some part of our bodies touching. We opted to go sit out by the pool since it was a beautiful day out and both of us appreciated the beauty of the day. We talked while we ate, never mentioning anything that happened last night. The only way you would be able to tell it happened was the way both of us blushed when we looked out at the pool where my top was still floating in the water.

"Classy," I muttered under my breath, walking over to fish it out from where it was about to go in the gutter. I grabbed it and threw it on the pool deck, knowing it would dry quicker in the hot sun.

I looked back over at the table, noticing TJ was already cleaning up our plates and bringing them back in the house, his face on fire. I giggled at how adorable and clumsy he was acting, flustered would be the best way to describe it. I walked up next to him, helping clear the table, feeling the sudden awkwardness hover in the air. I looked up at his face, noticing how distant and cold he looked. I flashed back to the weeks after the Christmas party, recognizing the similar behavior, watching his retreating form going into the house.

I sat down with a huff, utterly confused with him. He seemed just fine as long as there was no mention of last night. He was laughing and joking around with me, talking about the start of the playoffs and their last game tonight. He let me rest my feet on his lap and he had reached across the table and giving my hand a couple squeezes, randomly. But then I pointed out my top and it was like a brick wall slammed down on the table. He had forced a laugh out and then he didn't look at me anymore.

My eyes started to tear up when I was finally able to piece together what was going on with him. He regretted sleeping with me last night. That must have meant I was bad and now he felt like he had to still be with me. He felt obligated to make me breakfast and be all hospitable to me because he didn't want to tell me that he was now incredibly repulsed by me. I buried my face in my hands, my body starting to shake as I cried.

The sliding door opened again, TJ coming out for the last of the dishes. He took one look at my crumpled up body and dropped to his knees on the ground in front of me. He wrapped his arms around me and smoothed out my hair.

"What's wrong, baby?" He cooed softly, squeezing me tightly into his chest. But I just shook my head, pushing at him to get away from me. "What? Is it me?" He asked with a hurt expression as I looked out towards the right, not focusing on anything in particular, just not TJ.

"Of course it's you," I snapped, "you were just fine and then you see something that reminds you of last night, and you fucking freaked out. I'm surprised you weren't immediately repulsed when I walked downstairs." I pushed myself out of the chair, stepping around him and walking towards the stairs. TJ followed closely after me, grabbing me. I pushed his arms off of mine, turning back towards the stairs, but TJ grabbed me again and slammed me up against the wall. Not hard enough to hurt me but he applied enough pressure that I got the point. I started wiggling in his grasp and pushing at his chest but he wouldn't let me go. He got tired of it after a couple direct hits to the chest, so he grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the wall along with pressing his hips into mine so I couldn't move.

"Stop it." He said forcefully, not raising his voice but the sternness of it made me shiver. "Rena, I don't regret what happened last night. Not at all."

"Yeah, right." I scoffed at him, trying to wiggle free again. He gripped my wrists tighter and I whimpered, letting him know it hurt. He released my wrists, hurt flashing across his face, and he pulled me into his chest.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my face into him, and taking a deep breath, knowing that would be enough to calm me down. His hands rubbed my back and he rocked me back and forth, placing random kissed on top of my head. I took another huge, deep breath, preparing myself for the conversation we were about to have, and leaned away from the safety of his chest. He was looking down at me, a million emotions flashing through his hazel eyes, making my mind spin to figure out which one was the most prominent.

"I don't regret last night in the sense of what happened. I regret it more at a time stand point. I feel like it was all so rushed, and it happened a lot faster than it should have," TJ mumbled, sighing deeply at the end. "And I don't mean it like I didn't want it to happen, because it was pretty obvious that I've been waiting for this. But for reasons you don't understand, I wish we would have waited."

"Well, then tell me so I understand," I told him, pulling his face back to look at me. His hazel eyes danced again but this time I was able to pick out the utter pain that burned so deep, it scared me.

He shook his head, "there is nothing to understand except that I feel like I pushed you into doing it. And it's a terrible feeling."

"TJ, I've wanted to do that about as long as you have. I was just in denial about it." I grinned at him, "I can't believe I fell for a pain in the ass like you," I scrunched my nose, trailing my green eyes up and down his body.

"Way to boost my ego," TJ said, pulling me tightly against him again, our faces just inches apart.

"Well, someone has to keep you grounded." I playfully told him.

"MMM," TJ mumbled against my lips as we shared a much needed kiss. His arms tightened around me and I felt my knees grow weak when his tongue flicked across my bottom lip. My mind reeled the images of last night, how loud he made me scream, and how I'd never experienced anything like it. I pressed my body fully into his, wanting to be touching every part of him. He got the memo and lifted me by the backs of my thighs, not even waiting for me to wrap my legs around him before he was walking up the stairs.

I pulled away and looked into his smoldering eyes with an amused expression, "are you sure? Because I don't want to do this if you're not ready?" I joked, talking like a total valley girl.

TJ pushed my door open and threw me down on the bed. He climbed on top of me just like he did last night, "shut up." He replied before ripping his shirt off and roughly kissing the hell out of me.