What If I Told You I Love You

It's been almost a week and a half since TJ and I first had sex. Since the morning after and my little out burst, things have been so good, that I can even imagine ever coming down from the high I was on. TJ and I had only gotten closer since that night/morning, making it our goal to be together whenever we could, and to make sure that one another knew how much we cared for each other.

But even though we had been together since January, and it was now April, we haven't said those three big words, even though it was obvious, at least for me, that we felt that way. I don't even know why we hadn't. I guess it was just because it felt so true, that we didn't have to say it. But either way, I was kind of itching to tell him. Yet at the same time, I didn't want to tell him and ruin the good vibe we had going.

Although things with TJ and I had been going great, things with the Blues were going terrible. Despite the fact that this was the first time the Blues had made the playoffs in 3 years, they were giving a rude awakening by Vancouver, telling them this wouldn't be easy. They ended up losing their first two games in Vancouver, and then the first game they played at home.

I'd never seen TJ so distraught and down about himself. When they received their close, 3-2 loss to Vancouver at home, I walked into the locker room and my heart practically broke when I saw him sitting in his locker, his head in his hands and half his gear still on. The saddest part was that it was an hour and a half after the game, and he was the only one still in the locker room.

So today was a Monday, a raining, boring, Monday. April 20th to be exact, and TJ and I spent it lying on the couch after his morning skate. Neither of us really felt like doing anything so we told Bergie and Mel to go ahead and see some girly movie that Bergie obviously didn't want to go to. TJ laughed at him until I told him I wanted to watch P.S. I Love You, to which he immediately agreed to. Bergie obviously heard the no hesitation in TJ's voice, because he screamed to TJ from the door, "you are a pussy!"

To which TJ responded, "You don't even know what that means, you Swedish Fish."

Mel and I laughed as the boys bantered back and forth, until Mel shut the door in the middle of Bergie's rant about how TJ is just jealous because the chicks love his accent.

"I don't love his accent," I told TJ, snuggling into his neck as the movie played out across the big screen TV.

"Good, because personally, I think it's fake," TJ told me, trying to hold back his laughter.

We fell silent through the movie and even though this was one of my favorites, I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to get into it. I kept drifting in and out of sleep as TJ rubbed my back and played with my hair. He always knew what to do to me, so I relax or calm down. He knew what I needed and right now, I desperately needed sleep. Because I spent a majority of my time, up at night, worrying about TJ. I would watch him sleep, how restless he was and how bad I wanted to make it better for him. But I didn't have the solution and even though the Blues were working hard, I didn't think any of them had the answer either.

The next time I opened my eyes, Hilary Swank was no longer on the TV. Instead, NHL '09 flashed across, the Blues playing the Blues and a lot of swearing was going on around me. I looked across the room, Mel was flipping through a magazine while Bergie sat next to her, arms flailing while TJ told him there was no way in hell he was scoring because his Chris Mason was a better goalie.

"They are the same person," Bergie screamed, slamming his hand down on the couch in frustration when TJ prevented him from scoring, again.

TJ giggled, yes giggled, under me and I felt him pressing buttons on the controller that rested on my lower back. I moved my face so that it was pressed into TJ's chest, covered by the North Dakota shirt he was wearing. His hand came off the controller, and tangled it's way in my hair, making my scalp tingle. His lips came next, pressing themselves to my head, making me smile against his chest.

Bergie and him then went back to their video game and even though I should have moved, I didn't. Not that TJ minded, because he ended up winning all ten, yes count them, ten, games much to Bergie's dismay. I spent the time, laying on TJ and just enjoying the way his chest vibrated when he laughed or talked. I enjoyed the way his arms would tighten around me when he scored and how he would place soft kisses on my head while Bergie set up the next game. He was being such a sweetheart that I just wanted to stay in this moment forever, safe from any sort of conflict, just me and him, lazying around.

Obviously that didn't happen, because TJ's stomach growled and the Bergie started to complain to Mel that he needed fuel in order to beat TJ. This made TJ laugh, telling him it didn't matter because he would still suck.

"Get up you lazy ass," Mel yelled, hitting my back with a pillow.

I sat up quickly, my hair flailing around my face, the binder holding it together falling out long ago. I looked down at a laughing TJ, scowling darkly at him.

"You better be laughing at Mel and not my hair," I told him, a smile coming on my face also.

"Well, obviously I'm not laughing at your hair, I think it's b-e-a-utiful." TJ said, howling like a wolf when he said the 'u'. I rolled my eyes and climbed off of him, stretching and looking towards the window.

"Oh my gosh, it's already dark out," I looked around the room at everyone else who looked outside also.

"Well no wonder I'm hungry," Bergie mused, getting an eye roll from Mel, "make me a sandwich woman."

"I'm not your bitch," Mel snapped playfully, giving him a kiss on the lips.

"Let's make some dinner, I think we have some stuff out to make something,"TJ said, getting up off the couch and dragging me into the kitchen with him. We walked to the fridge, opening it and looking around for some meat. We found some burgers and TJ pulled them out.

"This will make him stop whining," TJ laughed, placing it on the counter and pulling out some salad stuff, fruit, and green beans. "Will you eat all of this?" He asked, knowing I didn't really like veggies.

"I like green beans," I told him, hoping up on the counter as he turned the stove on and pulled out various pans and dishes to cook in.

"But they are green," TJ joked, giving me a look of horror.

I laughed, "shut up and start cooking."

"Yes, ma'am,"

I sat next to TJ while he cooked our dinner, keeping him company and once and awhile grabbing something he needed from across the kitchen. He let me taste some things, mostly the green beans to see if there were cooked or not. I cut up the fruit under TJ's watchful eyes because he was scared I would cut myself. Mel and Bergie nicely stayed in the living room, joking around and watching TV, but when they got really quite, TJ and I knew it was time for dinner to be ready. I peaked into the living room from around the wall that stood between the two rooms. Mel was on top of Bergie and I whipped my head back in, looking at TJ who was trying really hard not to laugh at me.

"She may be my best friend, but there are somethings I just do not need to see," I whispered, and then grabbed a spoon from a drawer, throwing it in the direction of the couch. It hit Bergie and he yelled some pretty words in direction of the kitchen, but they got up nonetheless.

"Was that necessary?" Mel asked me, hip checking me as she walked by.

"Was having sex in the living room necessary?" I asked, grabbing a couple plates and some silverware and bringing it out to the table.

"We weren't having sex. Trust me, you would have heard if we were," Mel said, brushing by me and walking into the dining room. I stood in the doorway, a disgusted look on my face.

"That's nice," I mumbled to myself before following Mel to the table.
***

Later that night, TJ and I laid in bed, both of us trying to fall asleep. TJ couldn't sleep because he was antsy for the game tomorrow, and I couldn't because he kept moving under me, continuing his restless nights streak. We had been laying in be for an hour by now and I sighed, flipping over so that I was looking down at TJ.

"Baby, go to sleep. You aren't going to be able to play well without a good nights sleep," I told him, cupping his cheek in my hand.

"I know." He mumbled, looking away from me. He sighed and bit his lip, glancing at me and then looking away.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked him, rubbing my thumb over his cheek bone.

"No, I just want to kiss you," He told me, grabbing my face and pulling it down to meet his.

Our lips met and I sighed into the kiss, uncoiling as all the stress and anxiety seemed to rush out of both of our bodies just by being connected in the sweetest of kisses. His tongue poked against my bottom lip, asking my for entrance, as if he didn't already own every part of my body. He pushed me back on the bed as his tongue explored my mouth making my body tingle with awareness. He pulled away to trail kissed down my neck and across my collar bone.

"Make me forget about tomorrow," TJ whispered against my skin, his teeth nibbling lightly.

"Mkay," I murmured, practically incoherent with everything he was doing to me.

And those words sent TJ into a frenzy. He practically ripped all of my clothes off. Before I could even comprehend I was naked, he was ready for me and just like that, I was ready for him. His lips came to mine again, and he mumbled something so inaudible that I strained to hear it. It sounded a lot like the three words I had been wanting to say to him, but I didn't respond to it nor did I have the opportunity to ask him to repeat it. My mouth was too busy moaning his name and my body too busy convulsing to think past anything but what he was doing to my senses.
***

I awoke a couple hours after TJ and I had fallen asleep. I wasn't quite sure what woke me, until I reached for TJ and realized that he wasn't there. I sat up, holding the sheet to my chest and looking around. The moonlight flowed into the room from the curtain-less window, casting a white glow over my legs.

I got out of bed, pulling on TJ's T-shirt and my panties, before tip-toeing out to the living room. I figured I would find him here and I did. He was standing by the door to the balcony, looking out the window with hard eyes. His shoulders were visibly tense and I could see the worry etched on his forehead from his reflection off the glass. I walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing a kiss on his shoulder. I reached up on my tippy toes, resting my chin on his shoulder and looked at him. He continued to stare out the window, his expression unchanging.

"It's okay to be nervous," I whispered, knowing that he was. Tomorrow was an elimination game after all.

"It's not that. I'm just frustrated that I can't do anything. They are all over me and I can't seem to fight through." He sighed, running a hand through his now brown hair, the blonde fading away so long ago.

"The only thing you can do is go out there and play hard. That's the only aspect of the game you can control." I told him, rubbing my hands up and down his stomach. Goosebumps broke out on his skin and he turned towards me, the coldness gone from his eyes and replaced by fire.

My stomach dropped to my feet and my heart sputtered in my chest when TJ's eyes locked on mine as he turned around. I didn't even have time to react before he was scooping me up in his arms and walking back to his bedroom. My legs went on instinct, wrapping around his waist while my fingers tangled in the hair at the base of his neck. I slid my tongue into his mouth, enjoying the feel of his body pressed against mine.

I giggled when he kicked the door shut behind us before dropping me on the bed. He climbed on top of me like he was climbing a mountain and he started nipping at all the right places. Even though we had only been together a couple of times, he already knew where to place his lips to drive me insane. He pulled away and I reached for his head but he resisted, pulling out of my grasp.

"You're too good for me you know that?" He asked, an unknown emotion flashing in his eyes.

"Shut up and enjoy the fact that I want this," I told him, placing my hand behind his neck and pulling him back towards me. He didn't argue the rest of the night, just made sure I knew how much he wanted me.
***

The next morning I awoke to a much better wake up call. A pair of lips brushed across my neck, cheek and then started to trail down my bare back while a finger slowly, inched the sheet off of me. I smiled, "mmm-ing" to let him know I was awake. His soft chuckle followed, and then his lips did, pressing against mine in a short but sweet kiss.

"Up, baby," TJ whispered, removing some of my hair from my face. I groaned and turned so my face was completely hidden in the pillow. He rubbed my back gently, making it hard to stay awake. My eyes fluttered closed until TJ's was lifting my head off the pillow and giving me a playful glare. "No more sleepy." He told me, his bottom lip coming out into a perfect pout.

"Why?" I whined, unhappy when I noticed it was 9:30.

"It's shower time, that's why," TJ said, grabbing me and throwing me over his shoulder. I giggled as he carried me to the bathroom. He turned the water on and then looked back at me, a playful glint in his beautiful eyes. I tried to stop the smile that turned the corners of my mouth up but I failed, sending him into a kissing frenzy.

We had our shower time, which turned more into play time than anything else. We were acting like a couple of hormonal teenagers and even though it was slightly ridiculous, the sex was nothing short of amazing. TJ Oshie was just as good as he looked and he definitely knew how to please women. I ignored the part of me that said it was from practice, lots and lots of practice; he was with me now and that was all that mattered.

We got dressed, TJ in some jeans and a t-shirt, me in a pair of his shorts and another of his t-shirts. I laughed at the way the T-shirt fluttered about my hips, looking more like a dress than anything else, while his shorts kept sliding off my hips as we walked to the kitchen.

"Teej, help me." I laughed.

He turned around and rolled his eyes playfully, before pulling me towards him by the strings of the mesh shorts. He tied them tight so they stayed on my hips but I could get them off if I needed to.

"What would you do without me?" He joked, kissing my forehead.

"I wouldn't be able to live," I responded, being sarcastically dramatic.

TJ just gave me a tight smile and swallowed visibly before he pushed me into the kitchen where Bergie was sitting with Mel. I ignored TJ's weird behavior, instead opting to gag as Mel and Bergie gave each other loving eyes.

"That sounds a lot like the sound I was making last night when I had to listen to you scream your head off." Mel said, giving me an amused expression.

"I'm glad you enjoyed my pay back, banshee." I countered. TJ and Bergie gave each other the 'yeah I tapped that last night' look and Mel and I shared another eye roll.

"Pat, I'm hungry," Mel whined, nudging his neck with her nose.

"Then eat something?" Bergie said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"You do realize you have no food?" Mel asked, smacking him upside the head. Bergie winced then looked at TJ for confirmation. He nodded, sitting down across from them. "You guys should be good boyfriends and take us out." Mel suggested, already turning to Bergie to pout. He caved immediately, and TJ groaned.

"Bro, grow a pair," TJ muttered, shaking his head but a smile was on his face, "plus we have practice." Mel whined at this, pouting in Bergie's arms.

"I could say the same thing to you, Timmy. 'Sure baby, I'll watch P.S. I Love You with you.'" Bergie let loose a laugh while TJ just flipped him the bird.

"Play nice boys." I told them, patting TJ playfully on the head.

"I only play nice with you," TJ smiled at me, then cowered away as if he was going to get hit. I just shook my head as a blush crept up my neck while images of last night flooded through my mind.

"Well start spreading the joy outside of the bedroom," I pinched his side, causing him to squirm under me.

"Rena, lets leave these boys to their morning skate they need to attend, while we go and get something to eat," Mel said walking back into the kitchen. I had been too busy looking at TJ that I didn't even realize she had walked out of the room.

"That's a good idea, babe," TJ said, nuzzling my neck lightly. I sighed, unwrapping myself from his arms and heading back into his bedroom to change back in to my sweats. I pulled my pants back on, along with my U of M hockey shirt but instead of putting my sweatshirt back on, I grabbed TJ's North Dakota hoodie, the one with Oshie on the back, and pulled it over my head.

I shuffled back into the main living area, where the boys had moved into the living room, putting on their shoes and making sure they had all of their stuff ready. Mel was waiting by the door, her purse on her shoulder and I joined her with TJ, our fingers linked tightly. Bergie and Mel walked ahead of us, talking amongst themselves while TJ and I tagged along behind them like always.

"Why are you wearing that?" TJ asked, leaning down to press a kiss to my cheek.

"Because it's better than mine," I lied, giving him a small smile. He raised an eyebrow at me, not buying it. I gave him a defeated sigh, before wrapping my arms around his waist, his arms immediately encircling my shoulders. "Because it smells like you and even though I've been with you for so long already, I'm going to miss you when you go to practice," I pouted, embarrassed that I was acting like a teenager.

"I'll come see you before the game, hows that sound?" He asked me, rubbing up and down my arm.

"I'd like that a lot," I mused, standing in his arms and breathing him in while Mel and Bergie said their own goodbyes.

"I'll call you when I'm done," TJ said, pulling away and giving me a quick kiss on the forehead. He looked into my eyes, his hazel orbs searching mine for something. He must have found it because his eyes sparkled and his lips came back towards mine. He opened his mouth, and I thought for sure that he was going to say the words but instead, his lips pressed against mine,"see you soon, sweets." And he pulled away, grimacing slightly before climbing into his truck and waving goodbye.

I stood there watching him with my jaw on the ground, stunned as his truck turned left and he drove down the street.

"You wanna pick that up?" Mel asked, gesturing to my jaw.

"What the heck was that?" I asked, looking at her with confused eyes.

"He said goodbye?" She questioned, standing by her open car door.

"He, I thought, what?" I stuttered out.

"You okay?" Mel asked me, watching as I walked to the passenger side of her car, pulling the door open and sinking into the seat.

"Do you think he loves me?" I asked Mel as she drove out of the parking lot, heading in the direction of a random restaurant.

"I know he loves you," she dismissed me with a wave of her hand, "stop being ridiculous, maybe he just wants to wait to tell you."

"Or maybe there's something holding him back," I wondered out loud.

"Or maybe you are just paranoid like always," She countered.

"Yeah, I bet that's it," I told her, trying to also convince myself.

But as much as I wanted to shake off the weird feeling that swam around in my stomach, I couldn't. Something was off. TJ had been acting weird lately, being distant, despite the fact that usually sex brought couples together. Yes, he had been acting like the perfect boyfriend, but there were times where he would be staring off in to space and when I would call him back, he would look at me and that same familiar flash of pain would dance around in his hazel eyes and it hurt me even to see it. I wanted to ask why, but a majority of me knew I didn't want to know. Because if would open up a can of worms that wouldn't go away. And I had a feeling, it would hurt me, just as much as it was hurting him.