What If I Told You I Love You

My body was shaking so much that I thought I might tip over from the force of it. I walked, losing the ability to run long ago, as fast as I could down the stairs of the Scottrade Center even though my legs were about to give out from under me. I kept pushing on though, determined to hear it from TJ himself.

My mind kept reeling over what Tiffany had said. She always seemed so nice and genuine the other times I had talked to her. I didn't feel now as if she would spread a rumor about me behind my back, but I learned the hard way in high school that you shouldn't believe anything unless it came straight from the source. So that was what I was determined to do. And I prayed to go Tiffany was wrong, that David was wrong. TJ wouldn't do this to me. Would he?

My legs continued to bring me towards the Blues locker room. I passed security without a hitch, even though technically I wasn't supposed to be down here. But nobody dared to stop me anyway. Because even though my dad told me not to come down here, no one was going to yell at me for it. I pulled my phone out, needing a bit of clarification before I confronted TJ.

What is a rookie bet?

I stood against the wall, taking deep breaths, praying that it wasn't what I thought it was. I knew of some rookie bets, most were different than others, but i wasn't sure which one I was dealing with. I just prayed to God it wasn't what I thought it was. And even though I wasn't positive if what I heard was true, a large part of me knew it was. Because TJ had been acting so weird, distant, and cold at times. Like he wanted to push me away but then he would do a 180 and smoother me with love again.

My phone vibrated against my hand, telling me I was about to get a big hit to the stomach. I braced myself harder against the wall, needing all of the support that I could get as Lil Osh's number flashed before my eyes.

First of all, where the hell did you go? Second of all, it's not really a bet. It's just called that, but anyway, the rookie's teammates pick a girl he has to sleep with otherwise he has to do some really nasty jobs. When the girl is really hard to get in bed though, they throw in some money as an incentive. Is there a reason you want to know?

I closed my eyes, desperate to get the words away from me, but they swam behind my eyelids, reminding me that they were there. But that didn't mean that was what was going on with TJ and I. I mean, I wasn't even sure if it was true. Maybe this was a different kind, maybe it had nothing to do with me. Oh who was I kidding? Of course it was what Taylor explained, but maybe I heard wrong. Maybe they mixed Mel and I up. Either way, there was only one way to find out. So I took a deep breath, and continued, shakily, walking down the hall.

I passed by TJ's dad who gave me a friendly smile. All I could manage back was a weak one as my mind kept rewinding the conversation I wasn't supposed to hear. His smile quickly fell off his face as he took in my white appearance and the way I was visibly shaking. He opened his mouth but I just pointed towards the locker room signaling that I had an agenda and I wouldn't be able to speak.

All too soon I made it to the front of the Blues locker room. My heartbeat was pounding in my throat, which was still dry from my lack of saliva. My stomach hit the floor and my nerves shot through the roof as I stared at the logo that decorated the navy door. I contemplated knocking, then decided against it. I had never been one to beat around the bush and I wasn't about to start now.

I barged in through the door and was instantly greeted with the smell of sweat. I tried not to gag as the infamous hockey stench filled my nostrils, making my stomach swirl even more. Some of the hockey players looked over at me, giving me a small wave before turning their attention back to getting dressed. I glanced around the locker room, seeing TJ halfway dressed.

He was laughing along with Bergie, slapping him playfully on the shoulder. My body shook more forcefully now that TJ was right in front of me. Bergie laughed loudly at something TJ said and that's when he caught my eye. Something in the way the Swede looked at me, made me realize that Tiff hadn't been lying, everything really was all about a bet.

Pressure started to build behind my eyes and my head pounded harder as the salty tears started to form. I pushed back the pain that ripped at my already cracked heart, which shattered completely after seeing the look in Bergie's eyes. I nodded my head, sucking my top lip into my mouth. I took a deep breath, letting my mind quickly build up an argument against anything that TJ would say to me. I had come up with about ten different scenarios when TJ noticed me.

His hazel eyes sparkled as he laughed along with a joke that had just been said through the locker room. I must have missed it while my heart was busy breaking. TJ smiled over at me, waving his hand. He didn't look at me any longer than that in order to finish tying his skate. I slowly took a step towards him, testing my legs to see if they would give out on me. I felt like I was walking on Jell-O. Like I would fall at any moment.

My steps stayed slow as I walked to where TJ was siting back in his stall, telling a story to David Perron. I took this moment to shift my gaze over to Bergie. His eyes told me that he knew why I was here. I gave him a small smile, not to be polite, but because I had to hide the unbearable pain that was making my stomach clench.

"Hey baby," TJ spoke, pulling my attention back to him. His huge grin faded a little when he took in my appearance.

I could see the conflict going on in his head, he was trying to figure out what was different, what was wrong with me. But in the end he shook his head as if shaking off a thought that crossed his mind. He gently tugged on the belt loops of my jeans, bringing me closer to him. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me down on top of him. Once his arms encircled me, I almost lost it. I almost started to cry. I didn't though and I fought the urge to just forget the whole thing and curl into TJ, never leaving his warmth.

"Did you come to give me a couple more good luck kisses?" He whispered in my ear, nibbling it lightly.

My heart beat instantly quickened and I scolded myself for having that kind of reaction after what he did. I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak yet. No matter how upset I had ever been, I was never not able to speak. I was always able to keep my true emotions hidden, masking them from my enemy. But today, I had to try extra hard to hold it together.

"Then what's up? Not that I don't enjoy your presence, it's just, coach is going to be coming in soon. He loves you and all, but I don't think he would like to see you on my lap," he joked, burying his face in my neck.

That made me snap. How dare he do that after he slept with me for a bet. I slipped my hand into his hair, tugging it lightly to get him to look up at me. I smiled when our eyes connected, letting the anger that finally arise, flow into my smile. The venom must have leaked out like I wanted it to because TJ smiled back hesitantly.

I lowered my face down to his, pulling his chin roughly towards me. Our lips were millimeters apart before I spoke to him, in a dangerously low tone, "you almost had me fooled. You're a lot smarter than I ever gave you credit for TJ."

He jerked his head back to look into my face. He took in my emotion saturated eyes and realization passed over his features. He didn't say anything though. He just sat there looking at me with a regretful look. I swallowed, not because I needed too, but because I had to swallow the tears that were forming again.

I cleared my throat, slapping my hands on my knees and let out a high pitched laugh. The corners of my mouth turned up into a menacing smile when I got the attention of the locker room. I could tell that all the players in here knew what I now knew. They all lied to me. They let me fall hopelessly in love with a man who used me for a sick joke. I let the hot anger course through my veins before I removed myself from TJ's lap.

I noticed the door open because of how quiet the locker room was and I watched my dad walk in. Good, now he finally got to see what these players were capable of. Plus he would get to hear what TJ did to his only/i] daughter, and maybe, just maybe, he would get him traded.

"Wow, TJ. How hard was it for you to pretend that you actually gave a shit about me. After the fall out with Derek, you took his spot like that snap, feeding me bullshit lies. It must have been so difficult for you to not laugh as I took in every words like I actually meant something to you. So tell me, how did you do it?" As I spoke, I never took my eyes off of TJ. I wanted to see his every reaction to my words, I wanted him to feel how angry I was at him, and then I was going to show him what he did. How he broke the girl who was supposed to be unbreakable.

I stood there in the quiet locker room, waiting for him to say something. My strong facade was beginning to crumble when he still didn't utter a word. I had been ready for so many situations, but I never imagined that he would just stay quiet. I widened my eyes at him, telling him to say something but he didn't. He just continued to look at me, his eyes pleading with me not to do this now. Not before an elimination game in the playoffs. I didn't care anymore though, he should have known better.

"What?" I asked after a full minute of silence, "cat got your tongue? Where's the I'm sorry, or the baby it was just a joke. Or my favorite, oh baby I hope you use this one; it started out as a bet hun, but it turned into so much more. Pshh, bullshit!" I screamed the last part as angry tears started to flow down my face.

I wiped them away furiously. I stopped talking because the tears were starting to make their way into my voice. I watched TJ's face as he registered the tears that were visible to everyone now. For the first time since I walked in, he couldn't stand to look at me anymore. He turned his face to the side, looking over at Bergie who widened his eyes at him to tell him to get his crap together and say something. TJ mouthed "what?" while shaking his head. He turned back towards me, looking at me briefly before fixing his gaze on the floor. I turned towards the door where the whole coaching staff stood next to my dad, looking slightly shocked at what I was saying.

I smiled at Andy Murray before turning my attention back on the scum bag in front of me. Stepping towards him, I tilted his face up, meeting his eyes once again.

"So tell me TJ, was it as easy as you made it look? Was it easy for you to sleep with me, knowing you were going to get the triumph of a bunch of money and your pride could be boosted? Did I make it easy enough for you?" I asked, dropping my voice so only he could hear.

I didn't want my dad to know about TJ and I having sex. I didn't think he was ready to hear that. This ended up getting a response from TJ. His eyes looked into mine, pleading with me once more. Pain was evident in the way his eyebrows were pulled down on his forehead, but also in the way his eyes turned a deeper shade of hazel.

"Sirena.." TJ started but trailed off. I gave him credit, he wasn't going to try to candy coat the situation. He wasn't going to justify his actions. He knew what he did was wrong.

"So why did they give you me? Or did you get to pick?" I was dead serious about what I was asking. TJ wasn't going to answer me, not that I expected him too. So I shifted my gaze over to Bergie, raising my eyebrows at him. When he just looked at the ground like he didn't see me I spoke again, "I'm waiting."

"We chose," He quietly confirmed.

"Mmm," I murmured. My emotions were just about shot at that point. I felt as if I was in the middle of high school again, when I found out who my real friends weren't. TJ's gaze was on me the whole time I was looking at Bergie. I turned back towards him, giving him the attention that he wanted. I cocked my head to the side and leaned into him, my lips ready to kiss him.

"I never did anything to you TJ. All I ever did was fall in love with you. I'm going to give you one last thanks for breaking my heart before I walk out of here and leave you to your game." TJ noticeably swallowed, and he tensed, fully expecting to be slapped across the face. But I did what I always did, I killed him with softness.

My lips pressed against his for one more time. The kiss was painful and laced with sadness. The dam that was holding the tears in, broke causing them to fall freely down my cheeks. TJ's lips moved against mine just slightly, his hand came behind my head, holding my lips to his. He squeezed my neck, and his other hand came up, cupping my face gently. The tears flowed harder the longer the kiss lasted. My tears soaked his cheeks as his tongue poked my lips, pushing them apart. A sob escaped my throat and I pulled away not being able to handle it anymore.

"I'm sorry," TJ whispered so quietly that I almost missed it. His eyes looked into mine, tears evident in them. I nodded, biting on my lip to stop it from shaking.

"Good but that will never change anything. Nor will it fix how badly this hurts." and I turned away from him, walking as quickly out of the room as I could. A loud sob racked my body as I passed my dad, who grabbed my arm and followed me into the hallway. He pulled me into his body, letting me cry into his chest.

I have never cried so hard in my life. Nothing had ever hurt so bad that I couldn't breath due to the terrible sobs that ripped at my lungs and throat. How could I have been so stupid? I can't believe I let TJ Oshie completely destroy me. I actually was dumb enough to fall for an NHL hockey player, one who I had told myself would never love me back. And even though I told myself time and time again, I still let myself fall for him. I fell so incredibly hard and all I did was hit the ground with that same momentum.

My dad rubbed at my back like he did when I was a little girl, "Sirena, I don't understand what happened between you and TJ but I can assure you, he will face some consequences."

"Daddy, don't do anything to him," I surprised myself with these words. I thought I wanted him to leave? It would be easier that way after all.

"Baby, nobody hurts my daughter so much that she cries in front of a locker room full of hockey players." My dad responded, tucking some of my hair behind my ear.

"There's no point. I doubt he would learn his lesson anyway," I muttered.

"I'm going to-"

"Just take me home." I cut him off, completely exhausted from the nights events.

My dad nodded and I wiped the remaining tears off of my cheeks. We headed down the hall, towards the door where i had walked in only 45 minutes before. I was tucked securely under my dad's arm, sheltering me from the Canucks as they walked out of their locker room. I sighed and followed my dad out into the cool, April night. The air slapped at my still damp cheeks and I took a deep breath, enjoying the feel of the air in my lungs. It helped clear my head which was spinning from the thoughts of TJ.

We drove home in practical silence, the only thing heard was the droning of the radio, turned to the Blues game where they were already losing by 1. I sniffled the whole way home, ignoring the concerned eyes of my dad. I could hear him talking on the phone, and if I hadn't been so wrapped up in the pain, I would have realize he was talking to my mom, asking what the hell he was supposed to do for me.

But I could have answered that. He couldn't do anything, absolutely nothing. Because nothing would take away the pain, nothing was going to bring me back in time and keep on hating TJ. Nothing was going to fix my broken heart.

We reached the house in record time and I trudged up the stairs to my room, feeling the watchful eyes of my dad behind me. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out, looking down at Mel's name. I opened the text, wondering if she knew all along.

Bergie told me about everything. I'm not talking to him right now. I know you're probably taking this really hard, so I'm coming over tomorrow to make sure you're okay. Love you baby. It's going to be okay. We're going to get through this.

And I nodded my head along with her words, because maybe that would make her words true. Maybe it would all be okay. But then I pushed open my bedroom door, shutting it quickly, and it was like a green light for the pain and the tears to hit me like a hurricane. I crumpled to the floor, letting it all get the best of me.

The tears took over my whole body, exploiting any rational part of me, completely transforming my outlook on the world around me. Everything was blurred by the salty substance that never seemed to leave my eyes. They took away any feelings I ever had for TJ, tearing the love and happiness out of my heart and replacing it by a pain so unbearable, that I screamed in agony, hoping that would some how make it better.

I wrapped my arms around my body, holding the broken pieces of my being together, begging someone to take the pain away. To make me forget about TJ, to take the heartbreak away, the anger, sadness, and any other emotion. I just wanted to be numb to it all, I just wanted to be okay. Because right now, I was so beyond okay, that it wasn't even on the horizon. I was so far gone that I couldn't even imagine facing another day.

My hands grasped at the necklace that hung around my neck, squeezing it until the points of the cross punctured my skin, making me bleed. The gold chain burned my skin, just like TJ's touch would if he had even bothered to stop me. My mind replayed the images of just this morning, waking up in his arms and the security he had always been able to bring me. But it was all shattered, just like my heart, and the phone that I chucked across the room, not being able to stand it when TJ never called.

But I somehow pulled myself up off the floor, and walked to my bed. I left all my clothes on, even my shoes, and threw the covers over my body, including my head. I cried so hard that I actually started throwing up in my mouth from how bad my body was convulsing due to the sobs. I had never experienced heartbreak until this moment, and now I felt bad for ever judging the people who could never move on in their lives, like my parents. I understood how bad it hurt, how you couldn't imagine your life without them and now you actually have to live that way.

My body started to wear itself out pretty fast. The tears stopping because there weren't anymore to cry. My breathing returned to normal and my heart just seemed to pause in mid- beat. My body was going into some sort of numbing or shock. I should have been terrified but I heard my dad call to me that the Blues lost. I felt a smile pull onto my lips, knowing TJ was probably miserable right now. Good, at least both of us felt this horrible. So as I started to drift into a somewhat deep sleep, I vowed to myself to never cry another tear over TJ Oshie and to never, ever, let myself fall in love again. Because I may be strong, but John Curry was crazy if he thought I could ever go through this shit again.