What If I Told You I Love You

The next week was a complete blur. I cried for three days straight and I'm not saying small little tears. I'm saying I can't breathe, hiccuping every 2 seconds, balling my eyes out crying. Obviously the whole, no crying over TJ again thing didn't work out for me.

My dad mostly let me be, only coming up to make sure I wasn't going to off myself. I think he stayed away mostly because he didn't know what to do about it and he felt a little guilty. He thought TJ would be the guy of my dreams and he turned out to be the guy of my nightmares. It wasn't his fault though and if I was thinking rationally, I probably would have figured out that it wasn't all TJ's either. But I wasn't and I was hurting really bad.

It took me three days of crying until I figured out it was time for me to get out of St. Louis. I usually left for the summer in June, heading up to Minnesota to be with my mom. I always looked forward to seeing her for the summer but this year I just needed to leave here before I did something stupid. So, I booked my ticket, packed my bags and then I told my dad. It was obvious by the way his eyes clouded over that he was disappointed I was leaving early. We usually hung out a lot more in May since the team was usually done by then but I just couldn't take it anymore; everything here reminded me of him.

I couldn't go near the living room where TJ and I had watched movies. I didn't even look at the pool anymore especially since that was where my memories of him were the freshest. And sometimes it was so bad I couldn't even sleep on my bed. I threw HIS pillow away, because the smell was enough to send me into a rage. In a week I had turned into quite the bipolar freak. Plus the day I found out, I went home and ripped all the posters, pictures, and souvenirs that had anything to do with hockey or the Blues. But it was futile because everyday I would find something new to take down or throw away.

But there were a couple thing I couldn't throw away. I couldn't throw away his North Dakota hockey sweatshirt, the one that made me feel warm and safe even if TJ wasn't with me anymore. And there there was his necklace. Not only were both of those things his and it wouldn't be right to throw away, they were also like a piece of me now, along with a piece of TJ. They were the last remaining things that I had to tell me that what we had really happened, and even though it hurt to wear the necklace around, knowing it had absolutely no meaning anymore, I did it anyway, because I felt like my TJ was with me.

My dad drove me to the airport without question. He hugged me, told me to be careful, and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I gave him a weak smile, the corners of my mouth barely tipped upward, but it was the first sign of emotion I had shown in a week. I wore a sweatshirt and a loose fitting pair of jeans with some simple flip-flops. I got through security without a hitch. Boringly, I spent the time waiting to board the plane, texting Mel, who asked me if I was okay so many times that I ended up losing count at about 35. She was worried about me and I was glad to have a friend like her, no matter if she was still dating Bergie even though she knew that it was the same situation. I envied her that she could just let it go. But I couldn't do it, I felt too betrayed.

I was about to board the plane when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out, ready to type FINE!! to Mel, but it wasn't her. I saw Bergie's name attached to the text message and my hands began to shake. I opened it, wondering what he had to tell me.

He's miserable. He's sorry. He loves you. Have a good summer, Rena.

"Miss?" The flight attendant asked, holding her hand out for my ticket. I looked at her, tears forming in my eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth opened but I just thrusted the ticket at her. She handed it back to me after taking a look at it. A small smile graced her lips and she whispered, "have a good flight." I walked past her in a rush, needing to get to my first class seat in order to not collapse in the runway.

The whole way to Minnesota, my mind flew over Bergie's words. They replayed in my head like a slide show. My heart wanted to believe everything but my head told it to knock it off. It was all bullshit. He didn't love me, you don't do that to someone you love. Everything was just a game to him. It was nothing but lies and the worst part about it is that I fell for it and him.

When I arrived in Minnesota I was in such a bad mood. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. I was done crying. I mean it this time, no more tears for TJ. I was sick of thinking, feeling, and being, really. I was angry with myself, TJ, and Bergie. Why would he send me that? Was he trying to make this harder on me? I just wanted to forget about all of this and Minnesota was the best place to do it, even if I knew TJ would be here this summer.

I looked over the multiple heads of people in the airport, scanning for my mom as the escalator brought me down to the baggage claims. I didn't see her so I figured she was running late and I was right. I got my bags and sat down on a bench. I didn't let my mind wander to him or anything that would remind me of him. Instead, I people watched. If anyone had blonde hair, was his height, or wore a backwards hat, I turned away and focused my attention on someone else. I looked down at my watch seeing that my mom was now 30 minutes late. I heaved a sigh, well nothing had really been going my way this week anyway so I shouldn't have been surprised.

"Rena!" My mom's voice sounded. I craned my neck to look towards the door. I took in my mom's shoulder length blonde hair and her easy going smile. She waved vigorously before shuffling through people to get to me. I sat on my seat watching her approach. "Oh baby, I've missed you so much." She wrapped her arms around me and that's all it took for my tears to come again. I cried into her shoulder, soaking her shirt and a little bit of her hair. She rubbed my back, never asking what was wrong. She didn't have too, it was almost like she knew.

"Come on baby." She cooed in my ear after a couple minutes, "let's go home."

So we did. I thought she was going to ask on the 3 hour ride trip, but she didn't. Then, I thought maybe when we got home she would. But she never did, not that day, night, or even the next couple weeks. She left me alone with my thoughts which probably wasn't a good idea.

I wasted my time, sitting by the lake, watching from the sidelines as everyone soaked up the summer sun. I didn't though. Instead of swimming in the lake, my tears did. My heart seemed so broken the whole summer that I couldn't imagine ever feeling like this again. I couldn't see myself ever loving again let alone trusting people anymore. I was being a tad bit dramatic but this was my first real heartbreak, and girls like me were not used to this feeling. Mid-July came around and sadly, my mom broke the blissful silence that she had given to me.

I let my feet dangle off the edge of the dock, making small circles in the crystal clear water. The sun shined down, bright and intruding, baking my shoulders. My sunglasses were propped on my nose, shielding my eyes from the annoying rays. I swung my legs back and forth while watching the boaters pass. A couple people waved as they slowly passed the dock. I returned the gesture, after all, it wasn't their fault that my mood was extremely sour.

Footsteps sounded on the dock and my mom sat down next to me, taking her sandals off and mimicking my position.

"Alright, you've been here for about a month and a half, I haven't asked any questions but your getting-over-it period is up. Talk." She cut right to the chase. I looked over at her and shook my head.

"I came up here to get away from all the drama back home, Mom. This place is my safe haven, nothing and no one can hurt me here and I'd like to keep it that way." I flicked my foot up, splashing water a few feet in front of me. My mom was silent but she continued to look at me.

"You fell for him?" She squinted from the sun and shielded her eyes.

I looked back at her, flipping my sunglasses up so she could see my bloodshot eyes. "In my 22 years living on this earth, have I ever cried over a guy? No! I inflict the crying on them! This is not fair. TJ Oshie is an asshole and he can go to hell for all I care." I deliberately left out the part about crying because of Derek. He was an asshole and it was more out of embarrassment than hurt. Not to mention TJ was there with me when it happened.

"Sirena, you did not answer my question." My mother persisted, giving me her best mom look. I rolled my eyes as everything crumbled beneath her gaze. I nodded and turned to look back at the water.

"I see. Have you talked to him?"

"No."

"Are you planning on it?" She persisted.

"Mom, what is with the third degree? Seriously, just let it go. I am and you should too." I brought my legs out of the water and began to stand up but my mom stopped me by putting a hand on my arm. She gave me the, I'm-about-to-talk-your-ear-off-look and I sighed, resting my feet back in the water. Boats whizzed by as my mom collected her thoughts.

"There are times in your life where you are just going to have to move on and forget about people, or let it go in your terms. But at the same time, my dear, there are times where you need to stick around and fight for someone. This is one of those times, don't let him go because he was stupid and had to deal with some rookie hazing. Don't let this become one of those things that you look back on and regret. Let this be a lesson that the good things in life will never come easy for you." Okay, she totally talked to my dad, that is the only way she would know about the bet. She was annoying the hell out of me the way she was acting as if she knew what this felt like. Almost like she thought I was making this too big of a deal when my trust was completely destroyed because of him.

"Why are you talking like it should be that easy? Like I should just turn the other cheek so he can burn me just as bad on that side. All of what you said is true, but what happened to doing what was best for you, even if it hurts some people you love? Mom, I just don't think I could ever trust him again, you know."

"Baby, you have never been a forgiving person, and I blame myself for that. But what it comes down to is if you can see yourself being with TJ for the rest of your life. Could you live with the decision to be without him? Could you give yourself to someone else the way you did for TJ? But most importantly, do you love him?"

I contemplated lying to her. I wanted to say that I didn't, that I never did to begin with. I wish I could have had the strength to tell her no, to be able to say, I am not in love with TJ Oshie and he doesn't have a hold over me anymore. But lying to myself has never gotten me anywhere and I couldn't see how it would here either. I sighed and shook my head. My mom's face lit up and she wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulder.

"Then I guess you know what you should do?" She kissed my temple before standing up and walking back into the house. I watched her walk away, wondering what she meant.

I had no clue what to do. He happened to be in the same state as me, but what did she expect me to do, go up there and look for him in Warroad? I think not. Plus, he would be heading back to St. Louis in a couple days anyway. And why was I the one who was going to have to swallow my huge amount of pride? He was the one who fucked everything up, not me. There was no way that I was going to be the one to do it. If he wanted me then he was going to have to come here not to St. Louis. He had to come to Grand Rapids and beg on his hands and knees. I'd be here waiting, but I wasn't leaving my comfort zone again for him.

And that's what I did for the rest of the summer. I waited. And waited. And waited. For some reason I actually had been able to convince myself that he was going to come looking for me here. He knew I would be here this summer, yet he never showed up. All I did was wait for him, I didn't go out. I sat on my bed, on the dock, in the kitchen, or at the end of the driveway, like I was a teenager. I waited for a phone call, but my phone never rang. And as time passed, my hopes dwindled just like the summer days.

Some days I was able to do normal things, like help my mom around the house or go out boating with her. But I never ventured into the city. I never actually left the surrounding area of the house and if I left the actual residence, I put a post-it on the door saying what we were doing just so that if TJ came while we were gone, he would know to wait around for me. But most of my summer waswasted spent missing him.

Then one day, a familiar truck came rumbling down my street. The same one TJ drove, a 2008 Chevy Avalanche. My heart started to pound and my mouth became dry. My breathing started to fluctuate from rapid to slow and back to rapid as I tried to take deep breaths. My hopes started to soar as the truck got closer but just as fast as the truck came, it left. I watched it drive down the street and then curve around the bend in the road. That was the moment where I knew I was being ridiculous and this had to stop. But it was almost too late since I was heading back to St. Louis the next day and my summer was already gone.

My mom drove me to the airport the following morning and I spent the whole car ride telling myself that I was done with TJ and all his crap. I didn't feel anything for him anymore besides the anger I should have felt all along. I wasted too many days, weeks, and months, missing and crying over his sorry ass. I was done with him and all the crap he brought to my life.

My mom pulled into the parking lot and walked me all the way to the escalators towards the security area. I turned to her, wrapping her in my arms.

"You know I just want you to be happy. I want you with TJ if he makes you that happy baby. Don't ruin something great because he was stupid. People make mistakes, I thought you were strong enough to understand that" My mom spoke softly and cautiously, knowing I was a stack of dynamite ready to explode.

"Mom, what it comes down to. Is that I deserve better. It has nothing to do with being strong and crap. I didn't ask for him to do this. Hell, I didn't ask to fall for him. I never had a choice." I snapped, frustrated that she was taking TJ's side and she didn't even know him.

"You know what, you're right baby. You do deserve better," my mom said, taking me by surprise, and doing a complete 180.

"What? You were just pro TJ. Why are you telling me what I want to hear?" I asked, feeling the defensive side of me creeping behind my words.

"Is that really what you want to hear? Or do you want me to tell you that it will be okay to be with him again? Because I don't know that answer and neither do you." She told me, sounding so much like a mom but at the same time, someone who understands the pain of having to make a tough decision.

We stood there in silence, and I let her words sink in. They bounced around my brain like a pinball in a machine, making me so confused that the world around me started to spin. I shook my head, looking away from her 'mom' look she was throwing at me.

"You can't tell me what decision to make." I whispered.

"I'm not. I'm not even going to tell you what I would do, because you are right. This is your life, and you are going to do what's best for you. You need to. And maybe I don't understand because I made a different decision than the one you are leaning towards. But I don't want to see you unhappy for the rest of your life. I don't want you to have any regrets." She told me, squeezing my shoulders for reassurance.

"It's not supposed to be easy. And letting him back in would be." I told her, stepping on the escalator.

"Or maybe that would be the harder thing to do, especially for someone as closed minded as you," my mom called, a harsh tone behind her words. I ignored her though, keeping my back turned to her, and deleting the whole conversation from my mind.

Determined to get TJ off my mind, I wouldn't let myself board the plane until I wasn't thinking about him and how I was stuck in the same city as him for the next 8 months of my life. I tried to not be upset about the fact that I was having such a hard time without him, when it was obvious by the lack of contact that he was fine. I walked onto the plane, and a realization hit me so hard, it made my knees feel like they would give out.

He wasn't upset over losing me and I meant absolutely nothing to him, he may not have said it, and he may have had tears in his eyes when I left, but actions speak louder than words. It was hard to believe that even though I had been rehearsing this all to myself the whole summer, it didn't stick in until I was on my way back to be near him again. But even though that hit my so hard, my core hurt, I needed to be strong and tell myself that he's done hurting me, because you can't get hurt if you don't care. And I don't anymore.