What If I Told You I Love You

TJ

My heart was beating a million times a minute as I passed the green, Welcome to Grand Rapids sign. I swallowed despite how dry my throat was and my death grip tightened even more on my steering wheel. I glanced down at the piece of paper that held the directions to Rena's mom's house. She had given them to me a couple weeks before our infamous fall out. They steered me thought the main part of town, leading me back to the same scenery I had been seeing for the 2 hours trip South from Warroad.

My truck neared the road that I would have to turn left onto, to bring me to the huge house that Rena had described to me. But as I came to it, instead of stopping, I let my fear of rejection get the best of me, and I spead up, ignoring my heart that was screaming to turn, and letting my pride take over like always. The second I passed her street, my heart beat returned to normal and I steered myself back to the interstate that would bring me back home. To the waiting family of mine who had convinced me to come down here in the first place.

But I got a half hour away from Grand Rapids and I wanted to punch myself. I just drove 2 hours for nothing. I was so close to maybe making things better, patching everything up and having us on the road to recovery, because I was the one who needed to swallow my pride. But I chickened out. I was a pathetic excuse of a man, lover, and hockey player. Hockey players don't chicken out, they confront problems, but here I was, running away like always.

My banter to myself continued the next hour and a half. I screamed obsceneties in the car, in my head, yelling and carrying on about how I never deserved her in the first place. Which was true, I never did. But that never stopped me from loving her. I needed her, she was my everything in a sense. I looked forward to the times when I got to see her, loved listening to her laugh, the sweetness of her voice. I even loved it when she gave me 'the look.' The one that told me to stop what I was doing or I would get yelled at. I liked to push her buttons, but only because she was so damn cute when she was mad.

I pushed another sigh out, running a hand through my hair and closing my eyes. I passed another sign, this one saying Warroad on it, the traditional Minnesota city sign. I passed the Ford dealership and continued until I got to the street my dad lived on. I gulped loudly when I noticed the extra cars in the driveway, informing me that my mom and other family were still in attendance. I turned the car off, sitting and glaring at the garage door before cursing at myself some more. When I finally lumbered out of my truck, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself, and life in general.

I walked slowly back into the house, knowing questions were going to be thrown at me from all angles but not having anything good to say, since I chickened out. I sighed and pushed the door open, not at all surprised to see my parents and siblings outside around the fire pit. I walked outside and the talking immeditely subsided, only the sound of water lapping against the shore could be heard.

"Well?" Taylor asked, standing up and walking towards me, letting go of his girlfriend, Lyssa's, hand. She reached for him though, but Taylor shrugged her off and kept walking towards me.

I swallowed hard, not wanting to choke the words out.

"She turned you down," my cousin Brandon moaned, his hands coming over his face and rubbing at it roughly.

"No," I spoke quickly, regretting it as their faces perked up.

"Then where is she?" My mom asked, giving me a look that told me she knew I never went to see her.

"I couldn't do it." I said. And not even a second after the words were out of my mouth, a fist connected with my face. I was sent sprawling to the ground, my jaw throbbing with pain but I didn't dare say anything about how bad it hurt.

"What the hell was that for!?" I screamed up at Taylor, my eyes narrowed into little slits and my anger rising to dangerous heights.

"For ruining the best thing ever happened to you!" Taylor snapped, pointing an accusing finger down at me and then stepping over me, heading towards the front yard, Lyssa nipping at his heels after touching my shoulder lightly, silently apologizing for him. I clutched my jaw in my hand, looking over at Brotha for a sarcastic comment. I didn't get one, all I got was a disappointed shake of his head.

"You deserved that, man," Brotha muttered, looking back at the fire. "You should have told her."

"And lose her before I ever really had her!?" I asked him, incrediously. "I just can't win with anyone. I lost the love of my life and a chance at the cup in the same night, and all you can do is tell me how stupid I am. As If I haven't been beating myself up about it before any of this happened."

"Well, it didn't stop you from sleeping with her," Brotha said, getting up and walking into the house.

I sat in silence, looking around at my family, their upset and disapproving looks making my stomach swirl, and my eyes burned when I looked towards the fire and all I saw was Sirena's tear streaked face. My heart seemed to break all over again and I had to tell myself to stop acting like a pussy. I was actually thankful when my jaw started to throb so hard, that thinking passed it was impossible.

Brotha came back out from the kitchen, throwing me an ice pack and the phone.

"She deserves more than a call. But it will have to do for now," Brotha said.

I sighed, nodding and dialing her mom's number in Grand Rapids, knowing that her cell phone didn't get very good service in Grand Rapids. I got a woman's voice on the thrid ring, but much to my dismay, it wasn't her.

"Uh, Hi, Ms. Stillman, um, It's TJ. Is Sirena there?" I asked all of a sudden feeling nervous that I was going to get yelled at by her.

"I was wondering when you were going to be calling. I wish it could have been sooner though, Sirena left for St. Louis this morning," she informed me, sighing slightly at the end.

"She went back already?" I asked, knowing I still had a couple days left in Minnesota.

"Yeah, all of a sudden Minnesota was a reminder too," she replied sadly.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't be telling me that TJ. You tell her that." She cut me off, still not sounding angry at all, more so frustrated with the situation.

"Is she okay?" I asked, closing my eyes as the pain from my jaw seemed to expand.

"She is now. She was a little rough there for a couple weeks. But she waited for you the whole summer TJ. You're going to have a lot of explaining to do and a lot of butt kissing." She chuckled lightly at the end, causing me to smile. "But I know she loves you. You should tell her you love her too."

"Trust me, that's the first thing I'm gong to tell her." I said before ending the conversation and going back to attending to my jaw.

"I take it you didn't get her?" Brotha asked, taking a sip of his beer. I shook my head, tossing the phone onto the grass next to me.

"Damn it." Brotha mumbled, chucking his beer cap into the fire. "Man, Teej, you fucked up big time."

"I know, Brotha. More than even you can imagine," I told him sadly, closing my eyes and trying to picture the rest of my life without Sirena, knowing that possibility was so real that it hurt more than getting punched by Taylor.

My head smacked against the seat of the airplane as I flew up and then pressed myself back down. The man next to me jumped a little at my sudden movements and I smiled sheepishly at him. I rubbed the back of my head as it throbbed painfully. I looked out the window, seeing the St. Louis skyline for the first time since July. It was now early September and the start of a new season was on the horizon. I sighed deeply, trying to push the dream out of my mind. Except it wasn't a dream, more so a flashback to something I didn't want to remember. It was all just a reminder of how much I messed up and how I was heading back to a new hockey season, with nothing to look forward to.

I stretched out my cramped muscles eagerly when I finally got to stand up after touching down. I moved through the airport methodically, keeping my hat low over my eyes and my head bent in hopes of not getting recognized. I gathered my stuff qucikly, high tailing it out of the airport and heading towards where a cab would be waiting to bring me to my apartment. I reached into my pocket for my phone, grabbing it and letting my fingers pound the keys to get to the correct number. But just like always, when her picture would flash onto my phone, I could never press the green button.

There were too many things that I wanted to say to her, that needed to be said in person. Not on a cowardly phone call, or a weak visit. She deserved better than any of that. She deserved me begging and groveling on my knees. I just needed to be able to swallow enough of my pride to do it. I sighed again, looking down at the picture I took of her so long ago. It was back on the road trip to Nashville. She had begged me to take her into Build-A-Bear Work Shop so she could make her own bear. I had obliged because I loved to make her happy and watching her smiling face as she created her teddy was enough to put me in a good mood.

She had dressed him up in a hockey shirt and shorts, before turning to me, an excited look on her face and proudly showed him off to me. I had snapped a picture of her and Timmy and immediately placed it as her picture ID. But I love it the most because she named the bear after me and then gave it to me so I would always have him to hold when I missed her. The most pathetic part? I slept with that bear all summer, because it was the closest thing I had to her.

The cabbie pulled up the the Scottrade Center and I closed my phone, muttering a home sweet home under my breath before walking into the arena. I shuffled down the familiar hall, heading towards the locker room, hoping that she would be here today. I wanted things to be right again. I wanted to take away all the hurt I knew she was feeling, and make it all better, kiss it all better. I just hoped it wasn't too late. I hope she still cared and that she could find it in her heart to forgive me. Because just thinking about a future without her, makes me want to kick my own ass for ever letting things get this bad.

(SIRENA)

My Nike Shox sqeaked on the floor of the Scottrade Center as I scurried down the hall towards the Blues locker room. It felt good to be home but the déjà vu that ran through me was so strong that I had to stop and take a deep breath when I walked through the door. The closer I got to the locker room the stronger the feeling to faint ran through me. I held both mine and my dad's coffee in my hand just like I had the day I met him.

I had been home for a little over a month and I hadn't so much as uttered his name. No one mentioned him around me. Not my dad, Mel, or even the couple times I talked to my mom. He isn't mentioned in our conversations or daily life. It's as if he was never around to begin with and maybe it's better that way. Or maybe it's just another way for me to avoid how much I still love him.

I was so deep in thought that I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking. I slammed right into something, or someone. I almost toppled over but was steadied by a strong pair of arms that wrapped themselves around the tops of my forearms. The person was tall, much taller than me, and had blonde hair. I closed my eyes, fearing that if it was him I would pass out from the impact of his touch and seeing him again.

"Rena!" a voice who did not belong to TJ spoke. I looked up, smiling when I saw Bergie's blonde hair and that hideous green polo he was constantly wearing. A giggle bubbled up in my throat and I bit my tongue while scrunching my nose to try not to let it escape.

"Wow, Mel hasn't burned that shirt yet?" I asked him, playfully giving him a disapproving look. He just shook his head at me, popping his collar to be obnoxious.

"Hey, this is my favorite shirt. I might just love it more than I love her." He joked, brushing his shoulders off.

"Hun, you're white." I said, shifting the coffee around so I could pat his collar back down.

"On the outside." This caused me to laugh out loud. It was a hearty laugh, one that I hadn't heard in God knows how long. I enjoyed the sound of it and my grin stayed plastered on my face well after I had settled down.

Bergie and I stood there, talking and laughing, while telling each other about our summers. It sounds like him and Mel had a great time in Sweden the two weeks she went to visit him. He asked about my summer, I lied and told him how fantastic it was. I think he knew that I was lying by the way his smile seemed to dim a little bit when the lie rolled off my tongue. What did he expect me to do? Be honest and tell him how I spent the whole summer crying my eyes out over his bestie? Nope, I'd rather go to hell for lying.

We started to just make some small talk, talking about the season, him and Mel, and little things like how happy he is that he's not a rookie anymore. I tried to keep the conversation flowing, knowing he was just dying to tell me all about TJ and how he talked to him this summer. I already knew that and from what Mel told me, TJ wasn't as cheery as I imagined him to have been. He had a hard time but that didn't keep him holed up in the house like it did to me.

A silence surrounded us and I racked my brain, trying and failing, to think of something to say to him. But by the time I thought to ask him about his new car I heard he got, he already was opening his mouth to talk about TJ.

"He miss-" I stopped him before he could even mention me and him in the same sentence. I raised my hand causing him to close his mouth, nodding, knowing he crossed an unmarked line.

"No, Bergie, don't do that to me. I spent my whole summer missing him and waiting for him to apologize. I'm done. Don't ruin this for me." He just shook his head saying he understood. I gave him an appreciative smile before wrapping him in a hug. "Thank you." He kissed my cheek and gave me one more squeeze before letting me continue on my journey down the hallway.

I let my mind drift, momentarily, to the day about a year ago when I first ran into TJ. I smiled at the memory of my instant hatred for him which turned into the polar opposite. I sighed, letting my feet lead me to the locker room without even paying attention to where I was walking. I stared at the door, trying to push the pain that resurfaced because of my last visit here.

My hand rested just above the door handle. With my shoulders rolled back, I decided it was now or never and I pushed down, bursting into the anticipation that was hovering in the air. I smiled, welcoming the feeling of happiness I got at the reminders of hockey starting up again. It had been a long summer with out it.

My eyes locked on my dad, making myself have tunnel vision, only looking away long enough to nod to some of the players. David Perron gave me an apologetic grin and I gave him a small smile while sending him a wink, telling him we were okay. The only person in this locker room I wasn't okay with was TJ and I didn't see that changing in the near future.

I reached my dad, tapping him on the shoulder and handing him his coffee. He grinned when he saw me, introducing me to some millionaires who were going to be sponsoring events this season. I gave them a polite smile and pretended to be engaged in the conversation. But my eyes were pulled around the room and I was able to breathe a little easier when I noticed the absence of TJ.

But I'll be damned if a part of me wasn't disappointed. I wanted to see TJ again so bad, to see if he was having a hard time, or if he looked as perfect as always. But at the same time, I didn't because I wasn't sure how I would react to him. I shook my head, pushing thoughts of TJ out of my mind just like I always tried to. I focused hard on what was coming out of the men's mouths around me but a sudden change in the noise level of the locker room lowered my concentration level.

I didn't have to look behind me to know that TJ walked into the locker room. The tension was tangible as he walked across the room, waving and saying hello to his teammates. His laugh filled the locker room even though the noise level had picked up again. But I could feel the eyes of the whole locker room on me and him, trying to discreetly check what each of us were doing. I closed my eyes as thousands of emotions crashed over my body.

My heart began to ache for him and I felt my knees starting to give out from being in the same room as him. I wanted so bad to just forget everything and run to him, have him wrap his arms around me and just crawl into him. I wanted him to shield me from the world and take the pain away but he couldn't. He caused all of this and it was going to take so much more than I'm sorry.

My dad laughed at some joke one of the men said and glanced over my shoulder, locking his eyes on TJ. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't resist watching him in the mirror behind the guy in front of me. He looked okay, not happy or depressed, but just okay. He laughed at some of the jokes that were thrown his way because of his matching hat and shirt combo. He rolled his eyes playfully, tossing some tape in the direction of Erik Johnson.

"Sirena?" My dad asked, raising his eyebrows at me. I tore my eyes off the reflection of TJ and focused on my dad.

"Hmm?"

"Greg asked you a quesiton." My dad said, giving me a knowing look. I shrugged one shoulder at him, telling him to just ignore my moment of staring.

"I'm sorry," I turned to the balding guy named Greg, giving him my best, I'm a dork smile. He laughed the way I always imagined Santa Clause to laugh and I had to bite my lip to keep from giggling.

"I asked, since your dad mentioned you were 22, if you got along with TJ Oshie? My daughter just loves him and I wanted to know if he was an okay guy. " He repeated his question. I wished he hadn't, actually, I wished my dad would have just answered for me. You know, given them an answer that would satisfy them and protecting me from responding. I put on my best, I'm okay smile, and gave him the best I could muster.

"We don't talk much. But from what I heard he's great." I shook my head while I talked, as if I was trying to convince myself of it.

My eyes returned to the mirror and they were met with hazel orbs that were so deep, I almost got lost in them. TJ swallowed visibly when our eyes met. He took a deep breath before taking his eyes away from mine. My heart fluttered about in my chest, yearning for more attention from the blonde across the room. Bergie swatted TJ's hat off his head, picking it up and throwing it in my direction. It ended up landing at my feet. Of course it did, did you expect anything less from Bergie? I raised an eyebrow at him but he just shrugged as if he had no idea what he just did. I reached down for the hat, sighing as I picked it up and ran my hand over the material.

TJ looked at the hat in my hands but he didn't make a move to come get it. He was obviously having a debate in his head as to what he should do. I could tell he was intimidated by my dad, not wanting to come over to us for fear of getting his head ripped off. So he just sat in his stall, his hands dangling over his knees while his eyes bore into his, uh Seattle Mariners, hat.

I could feel the eyes of the rest of the locker room on me. It was as if everyone was waiting for me to do something, bring it over to him, throw it in the trash, toss it back, or maybe light it on fire. Either way, everyone anxiously glanced at me. I turned to my dad, who was looking at me out of the corner of his eye, as if he too was waiting for my reaction. I heaved a sigh, downed the rest of my coffee and started to walk towards him. My heart started to freak out, my eyes got ready for the wave of tears that were sure to come and my palms got so sweaty that I swear they started dripping. I controlled my breathing, trying to push the stress and nerves out of my system. It didn't work.

He watched my approach, starting at the toes of my Nikes and working his way up my jeans, Blues shirt, and finally resting on my face. He looked me over almost like he was trying to reaquaint himself. I held the hat out towards him, purposly giving him the side he could grab without touching me. He grabbed the brim, flipping it and hanging it on the hook behind him. I gave him a small smile before turning to head back to my dad.

"Sirena I-" And I did the same thing to TJ that I already did to Bergie today.

"No. You lost your opportunity to talk to me. You had the whole summer, you knew where I was and you made it perfectly clear to me that we were nothing. I get it. No need to explain." I tried to continue walking away, but TJ's hand clasped onto my wrist. His hand was clammy just like mine. His cheeks were flushed red, telling me he was flustered and a tad bit emotional. His hand sent sparks up my arm and I thought it would start on fire from the heat that burst onto my skin.

I shook my head as the tears pooled into my eyes. I squeezed them shut, making the salty substance disappear again. I licked my dry lips, sucking in a deep breath, telling myself to just hold on a little longer. I didn't turn to him but I reached down and wrapped my hand around his. My breathing hitched when he laced his fingers with mine but I pulled our fingers almost instantly, not letting myself enjoy the familirality of the simple gesture.

"No, TJ. There is nothing left for you to say. You've already broken every part of me. Just leave it all be." I headed for the door after that. I had reached my limit for the day. I didn't need anymore of the emotional roller coaster. I just wanted to get off. Where was my ticket off of the heartbreak? When could it all just stop?

Once I was out of the locker room, I slid down the wall, sitting on the cool concrete. I waited until my heartbeat returned to normal and my breathing was steady before I trekked out to the seats. I sat down, getting lost in the way the lights shone off the rink. It calmed me and temporarily eased the pain of losing TJ.

I knew it didn't really have to be this way, I could forgive him and pretend all of this was fine. But I couldn't live that way. It was against all the advice and lessons I had given to others. It was time for me to live up to everything I had been preaching. I needed to be strong and move on with my life. Take a break from the things in life that made me weak. That meant, no more love. And definitely no more TJ.