What If I Told You I Love You

I figited nervously in my seat, glancing about at the blue jerseys that swarmed the ice below me. I frantically searched for the 74 on the back of one of the players, but I failed to find it each time I thought I saw him. I leaned forward, forearms on my knees, squinting my eyes against the glare of the lights reflecting off the ice. I turned to Mel, nudging her shoulder.

"Where is he?" I hissed. She gave me a confused look, "TJ?"

"On the ice?" She questioned.

"No he's not. Why isn't he-"I was cut off by a course of cheers coming from the back of the box. My dad's voice broke through all of them, calling TJ's name. I closed my eyes, cringing, refusing to turn around and look at him. Mel, who had turned to see TJ's entrance, looked at me and then quickly climbed over the back of her seat, leaving me to fend for myself.

My eyebrows lowered in confusion and then went back up to their normal place when I vaguely remember my dad telling me TJ was sick and wouldn't be playing. This made me want to barf. Panic soared through me, terrified as to what I was going to do if he came over to me. I knew we would eventually have to talk about all of this but I didn't feel like I could yet. I always thought I was so strong but all of my strength always faded when TJ was around. I gulped, telling God that if he kept TJ away from me, I would start going to church regularly. God apparently called my bluff. Fuck.

I could feel his presence behind me, and just like always, the butterflies attacked the inside of my stomach. He was closer now, as if he took a couple steps towards me on purpose to invade my space. I could smell his distinct smell, and it brought tears to my eyes to think that I loved everything about him but I was nothing in his eyes.

He could never and would never love me. It took me the whole summer to understand that, and I still hadn't fully grasped the concept of being in love, especially with someone who didn't love me back. An awkward silence hung above us. We both knew I was aware that he was in the room due to the announcement my dad had just given. So I decided to be the brave one, like I always was in my life, and break the silence I should have broken long before now.

"So what did you do with the bet money? I heard it was a pretty big number." He didn't respond but he walked past me, his leg brushing mine because of the small space between me and the railing.

I shuddered at the light touch, remembering the feel of our sweaty bodies together. He sat next to me, gazing out at the rink, watching the zamboni clean the ice, getting ready for the game. His hair was blonde now, sun-kissed from the summer he spent in Minnesota. I wondered how many girls had run their hands through his hair over the summer, thinking that they were something special. How many girls laid on his chest as he slept afer the deed, hoping that he would love them when he woke up? Probably every single girl he flashed his Oshie smirk too.

I shook my head, feeling my emotions coming to the surface once more. I turned to him, finally, raising my eyebrows for him to answer the question. He still didn't look at me, but his forehead was furrowed as if he was deep in thought. I rolled my eyes, annoyed that he was the one ignoring me after he ripped my heart out. I flicked him on the leg, finally getting his attention. But when his hazel eyes focused in on me, I wished he would have kept his eyes on the rink.

"I don't know," He spoke softly after a minute of silence. I licked my lips, biting down on my bottom lip after my tongue passed over.

"Mmm, and why would that be?" I questioned, narrowing my eyes slightly, "or haven't you spent it yet? Are you waiting for something special to come along? Maybe it's for the next girl you try to play?"

He just shook his head and when his eyes met up with mine again, I could see the hurt flashing in them. This took me by surprise. What the hell was he so hurt about? He wasn't the one who had his heart ripped open in front of his teammates. He wasn't the one who put himself out there only to be broken into tiny little pieces. He wasn't the one who for the first time in his life, let someone in so much, that they found a way into a heart that he never thought could love anyone so much.

"I wouldn't know," He repeated, "I lost the bet." He said.

My eyebrows shot up in surprise, probably hidden under my bangs, before they came furrowing back down in confusion. I shook my head at him, taking in his totally serious look. If there was one thing I had learned about TJ in this past year, it was that he was rarely serious.

"What are you talking about," I asked, barely audible, "you slept with me. You won." My strong facade tumbled as his words wrapped around me, sending my hopes sky high again.

He shook his head, "that's where you're wrong. I didn't sleep with you. I made love to you."

His words made instant tears fall from my eyes while a lump formed in my throat. I opened my mouth to respond but all that came out was air. TJ pushed some of the hair that had fallen in front of my face, back behind my ear. "Plus, I told them you turned me down again. So no, I didn't win anything. All I did was lose the best thing that ever happened to me."

He finished, pulling me close to whipe the tears off of my face. "Don't cry please."

I turned away, moving to the opposite side of my seat, farthest away from him. My mind raced, trying to process the information. He didn't tell them he slept with me? He lost? He made love to me?

"Why? I cried this whole summer. It obviously didn't bother you then," I told him coldly.

From the corner of my eye I could see him wince at my words. Good, I hit a nerve. He sat quietly next to me, not really knowing what to say. I looked over my right shoulder at where Mel was sitting. She had tears shinning in her eyes and I could tell she was listening to our conversation. I knew she wanted me to just let it go like she did, but I wasn't as forgiving as she was, like my mom had pointed out. I needed time, and I hadn't had enough of it yet.

I let my mind wander as the awkward silence surrounded us. I thought about everything my mom had said. How she asked me all of those questions, like could I forget about him, could I love someone else. And the truth is, I still don't have those answers. All I know is that I'm still too hurt to let him back in. I let him walk right in the first time and look at what that got me. I felt that if I just let it all go, that would make what he did okay. And it wasn't okay, it would never be okay.

"I never meant to hurt you," TJ whispered, his breathing loud and ragged. I could tell he was fighting his emotions, trying to find a way to make me understand. But I didn't. How could he say that when he knew what this would do to me?

"Oh really?" I asked, my sarcastic side coming out, "then what did you mean to do? Break me? Because you did a hell of a good job. Seriosuly, even Derek would be proud." My head was getting cloudy and the blood was pumping so hard I thought I would throw up.

"I didn't mean for it to happen this way. I never thought it would end like this, with you heartbroken and me feeling the same way."

"You actually thought it would end well, TJ? You should know by now that it wouldn't be okay, you should have figured that out when we started being together so much." I snapped at him, completely ignoring the last part. How could he be heartbroken when he was the one who knew it was coming?

"Rena-"

"Don't fucking call me that." I hissed.

TJ's face crumpled into a hurt expression. He knew only the people I cared about were allowed to call me that. I watched him, the tears brimming in my eyes, whether they were angry or sad, I wasn't sure; either way I needed to get out of there.

"I'm so sorry," He whispered, looking down at his feet. "But you have to believe me when I tell you that I do love you."

"I've spent so much time waiting for you to say that, but now that you've said it it's not enough. A couple of months ago it probably would have been, but you gave me too much time to analyze it all. I thought those words would take the hurt away, completely erase the pain that I'm feeling but it doesn't. And I'm hurting too much to just let you back into my life. I'm sorry, I really am, but I just can't do this. I can't be with you as If nothing happened."

I stood up, but TJ's voice stopped me.

"You were different than any other girl I've been with," he assured me.

"How am I any different from the other girls you fucked over TJ? What is the difference between me and all the other girls who came before me, during me, and probably after me?"

"Sirena, there were no other girls during you. It was only you, I never lied about that." he urged me to believe him, "Rena, please don't walk away. I need you."

"No you don't TJ. You don't need me, you're just used to having me around. Give it time, I'm sure you will be able to let me go just like the rest of the girls you lied to."

I walked towards the door and just like before, TJ didn't even try to stop me, I weaved my way through the box, desperate for air because of the suffocating feeling that was swarming through my body. I felt so lightheaded that I feared I would pass out before I got to the crisp, fall air outside.

I reached the hallway and broke into a dead sprint. I ran as if all of my problems were right on my heels, as If I stopped I would completely break down, because stopping took more strength than I had. I was going to lose it, I just couldn't do it here. My lungs were protesting as they constricted for air, begging for me to breath and when I did, I burst through the doors, collapsing out of exhaustion and because I lost the ability to hold it together.

The tears just flowed down my cheeks as if a dam had broken and rain fell all around me but I didn't care. I just needed to cry because it hurt more not to. I needed to let it out, be vulnerable and hope to God after this I could deal with what I had just done. I let go the one person who made me feel okay in my life. The one person who didn't want anything from me besides just plain old me. Not the facade I put up for everyone else. He just wanted the Sirena that was inside of me.

The door behind me opened and I tried to soften my sobs so that the person would just walk on by. But I felt slender arms wrap around my body and I knew it was Mel.

"Mel, I've never felt this terrible in my whole life. I want to forgive him, so bad, but I just can't. I know you probably don't understand but I can't be with someone who I have to wonder if he actually cares about me. I could tell him I forgive him and be with him, but it would always be in the back of my mind."

"I know, baby. I know." She cooed into my ear. And for a second I was back in Minnesota with my mom. Her words from the dock surrounded me, could you live without him? I buried my face in Mel's shoulder, shielding myself from the words, hoping I wouldn't have to think about that statement, knowing that I couldn't but I was going to fucking try my hardest.

"Mel, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I love him, but I can't be with him." The words barely came out of my mouth because of how hard I was sobbing. "p-please, d-don't h-hate m-me."

"Rena, I am so proud of you. I know how hard this is for you, I considered doing it with Pat but I was way too weak. You are stronger than me, stronger than any girls I know. I understand that it would be against everything you believe in to be with TJ. I know that, and you can't change for him and that's okay."

I could feel the 'but' hovering in the air. She knew I was making a huge mistake but she was going to support my decision. What other choice did she have? I needed her right now and there was no way she would abandon me.

"Come on, I'll bring you home," She said, helping me get up.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into her small body. I rested my head on her shoulder and ignored the urge to turn around and run back to TJ. We walked to the parking lot in silence as the cool air nipped at my wet cheeks. My eyes burned from the tears and my throat felt raw. I hated this feeling the most, the feeling after you've cried your eyes out and it still doesn't matter because your just as heartbroken as you were before you started.

"You know, everything will be okay in the end, Sirena. You are going to get through this." Mel told me, pausing before she got in the car.

"Yeah, I know," I choked out. But I didn't believe the words that flew from my mouth. How could anything be okay without TJ?

We got in the car, still silent and I let my head fall to the window. Every bump we went over in the street, my head would smack against the window and I welcomed this new form of pain, sick of the heartbroken kind, the one that you can't cure with sleep or pills.

"How could I be so stupid?" I breathed out, looking at Mel. Tears streamed down her face and I grabbed her hand, squeezing it, thanking her for being the best friend I could ever ask for. My pain was her pain and vice versa.

"You weren't stupid, Rena. You have to go through some losers before you find the right one." She squeezed back, brushing her cheeks against her shoulder to rid them of tears.

"The right one," I whispered back to her.

And for some reason, I couldn't shake the feeling that the right one was now a block away from me, sitting in a box full of execs, with a heart just as broken as the one that barely beat in my chest.