What If I Told You I Love You

It's been about two months now since I told TJ we couldn't be together anymore. I'm doing okay, back to where I started before I saw him. Everyday is a constant battle to get up and face the shitty day I know is waiting for me, because life without TJ sucks. I got a job though, God knows I don't have to work, but it gives me time away from my house and keeps me busy enough that I don't think about him as much as I used to. I work at a coffee shop on the other side of town, away from TJ so there is not a chance we would see each other.

But some days are better than others. Mel tries to keep me busy and I've been taking cooking and yoga classes to try and expand my horizons, meet new people, because even though Mel acts like she wants to be with me, the truth is she would rather be with Bergie. She tries to tell me about TJ, how he's still single, and doesn't sleep around anymore. She tries to tell me he's changed but I wouldn't know for sure.

I don't even go to the Blues games anymore, I make sure I'm working. I just can't deal with it because I'm still so incredibly heartbroken that I cry myself to sleep. I always prided myself on being the girl who is better than that, stronger than that. But I guess I'm not. Losing TJ was like losing hockey all over again, except this time I stayed away from the liquor. It wouldn't solve my problem and I had a feeling I would be an emo drunk.

Today was a Sunday afternoon and despite the fact that it was chilly out, no one wanted coffee today. I was working with a new girl, Bailey, a teenager going through the same sort of stuff I am. She's only been working there 2 weeks but every time I work with her, we exchange stories about our ex's because we both understand what it's like to love someone but having to do what's best for yourself. I never mention TJ's name though. I won't be that ex-girlfriend, the one who drags him through the dirt. He is kind of a big deal around here.

Bailey bustled around behind the counter while I cleaned off a couple tables, just to be busy. No one was currently in the shop so she flipped on the TV, stopping at the replay of the Blues game last night. My shoulders tensed and I pursed my lips, breathing in hard through my nose. I looked over my shoulder at her, watching as she stood in front of the TV, staring intently. That's another thing I loved about her, she was a huge hockey fan like me.

I looked back down at the table but snapped my head back to her when I realized the shirt she was wearing for the first time. We weren't required to wear anything besides an apron which was why I never really paid attention to her shirt before. She had the last name Oshie and the 74 on her back and I felt my legs go weak and the blood rushed from my face. A realization over came me and I whispered it out loud to confirm it.

"You never called, you never even bothered," I whimpered.

"What?" Bailey asked, turning to face me with her arms crossed over her chest, her blonde hair whipping about her face. But I didn't see her face, instead I saw TJ's. The tears attacked my eyes again and the familiar burn in my throat resurfaced. I closed my eyes, hoping TJ would go away, and Bailey would return. I flicked my green orbs open again and felt my tears subside when she had her own face again.

"Are you okay?" She asked, crossing the room. I nodded, looking over her shoulder and seeing TJ's cold eyes stare into the camera. They pierced my heart, making my emotions come out, and I sat down in the chair.

"I just feel a little nauseas," I reassured her, taking a deep breath.

"Let me get you some water," She said, jogging behind the counter.

I let my eyes flutter back to TJ's, watching him get interviewed. He still looked the same, his hair was a little darker though, losing the touch from the sun. His eyes were the same, except for the cold, barren look to them. His voice had lost any hint of happiness and he almost seemed angry, which didn't make sense because the bottom of the screen said he got his first career hat trick.

The interviewer asked what caused TJ to turn on his game so much lately, all TJ responded with was: hockey is all that matters anymore. His eyes flashed and looked right into the camera, and I had to bite my tongue and put my face in my hands. A couple tears leaked out, as TJ walked away from the anchor. I wiped them away, determined to stop being a baby about this whole thing.

"Sirena?" Bailey asked, kneeling beside my chair. Concern was etched on her face and her brown eyes were soft with sincerity.

"He ruined everything," I told her, my mouth quivering with how hard I was trying to keep it together. I watched her look back at the TV but a car commercial was on, failing to give her any sort of clue. I closed my eyes, letting a couple more tears fall before I wiped them away, and stood up. "I'm sorry, sometimes I just need a second to let loose otherwise I'll blow up."

"I understand," She told me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

And she did. She understood what it felt like to wake up everyday just as disappointed as when you went to bed. She understood that it takes time to get over the only person you ever loved and even though it's hard and it hurts, you need to push through, suck it up and move on with your life because that's the only option you have left.

We went back to work, straightening things, making ourselves some drinks, keeping busy to ignore the boredom that was hovering over us. We acted as if my little scene didn't happen because that was better than talking about it and bringing up those emotions for both us. The bell above the door rang and I glanced up to see an old lady walking slowly into the shop. I smiled at her, wiping my hands on my apron before going behind the counter to take her order.

"Hi, what can I get you?" I asked, swallowing the lump that was still present in my throat. I plastered a smile on my face because I had a job to do and TJ just needed to get out of my head.

"I'll just have a cup of coffee, small, please," She told me, handing me a $5 bill. I gave her the change and took the cup from Bailey who had filled it while I was attending to the woman.

"Will you bring that to the table by the window dear?" She asked me, a sweet smile turning up her bright pink lips.

"Sure," I told her, walking over to the window table that let people look out at the sidewalk. "There you go." I told her, letting her settle in before turning to walk back to the counter.

"Sit with me please?" She asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Um, I have to work." I told her, confused.

"Well, don't you get a break. Surely you can't possibly be too busy to spend time with a lonely, old woman like myself?" She asked. I don't know what it was, but something about her told me I should sit down. I glanced about the shop and decided it would be fine if I chatted with her. She reminded me a lot of my grandma, maybe that's why I felt drawn to her.

"How old are you dear?"

"I'm 22."

"Ah, I remember when I was 22. That's when I met my sweetheart, you know." She told me, taking another sip of her coffee. Her grey eyes raked over my appearance. The way my brown hair was thrown into a sloppy pony tail, and I wore a simple black t-shirt, paired with jeans, and my favorite, ripped up Converse. "Have you been in love dear?" She asked, placing her wrinkled hand on top of mine.

I looked at her, my eyebrows lowering over my swollen green eyes. I didn't respond, but she didn't give me time to. "You loved and lost already?" She asked, her eyes burning into mine. I just nodded, swallowing the now familiar lump in my throat.

"Hmm, I could tell from the moment you raised your green eyes at me. They are red, swollen and dull. You look like a free spirited girl. It's obvious you still love him, no?" She asked again, giving me a friendly smile.

"Um, I don't really want to talk about it," I muttered, looking out the window at the people passing by on the street. I squinted my eyes against the glare of the sun, fluttering my eyelashes to blink away the tears.

"You know, even though I found the love of my life when I was 22. I didn't marry him until I was 34 years old."

I focused my gaze back on her, giving her a confused look. She nodded her head at me, the way old women do, giving me that same friendly smile.

"Sometimes people need to find out what they truly want before they can take a chance on the one they love. It was the same with my husband." She told me. "It was a summer fling. The kind that you see in the movies that make you believe it could actually last. We were head over heels in love, but everyone said it would never last through the fall. And they were right. He had to go back to his hometown in North Carolina and I had to go back to New York City. We never got to say goodbye to one another. I had an emergency that I needed to take care of and I was never able to give him my address." She paused for another sip.

"Time passed and a year later I saw him walking around Central Park. He was engaged to be married but I figured I could change his mind. Even after our time apart, I was still crazy about him. We ended up spending the two weeks he was in New York together, every minute of it. The two weeks ended sooner than I expected, but I never thought he would leave. Yet, the morning his plane left all that was on his pillow was a note and a single red rose, telling me he had a promise to keep. And he did. He married her that next week, and they had two children together."

"Isn't this supposed to have a happy ending?" I asked her, lost because she called him her husband.

"Patience my dear." I nodded and she continued.

"I never found love again though. All of the men that were interested always seemed to have qualities that either reminded me of him or weren't good enough for my taste. There was never anyone quite like him. There never is when you are in love. I never moved either. I stayed in the same little house in the suburbs just in case he ever came back. I think I always knew he would return to me. Because you can't help it when you love someone. You just need to be next to them, to hold them, to be able to kiss them whenever you want. Either way, he showed up at my door step just like I always pictured him to."

"Did you take him back?" I asked, entranced by her story of love and heartbreak.

"Of course I did. I let him leave once, there was no thought about letting him go again." She said, patting my hand.

"But that must have been hard. To take him back after all of that time, not to mention he did marry another woman over you."

"Yes, but forgiveness is something that you need to give in order to be happy. You can't hold on to all the hurt and anger and expect happiness to come to you, especially when it comes to the one you love. If you love him, he should be worth all of the pain." The lady smiled at me.

I swallowed hard and she placed her wrinkled hand on mine once more. "Love is not supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be hard because if it's true love, you can overcome any obstacles that stand in your way. Love is about learning to give yourself completely to another person. Your soul mate won't be perfect, but neither are you. He'll push your buttons, make you angry, but at the end of the day wouldn't you rather fight with him than make love with anyone else?"

I stared at her with a bewildered expression. I can't remember ever seeing this old woman before but she seemed to read me like a book. Or maybe she was just speaking from experience. Maybe she had no idea who I was, either way it was really freaky how she was saying all the right things. TJ swarmed around my head, everything that had ever happened between us, fights, kisses, good times, sex, all of it, swam around me, making me realize that I was running out of time. I made a huge mistake, and I only had a little time to fix it.

"Excuse me, I have somewhere I need to go," I told her, tugging my apron off, sprinting to the counter and grabbing my purse from under it. "Bailey!" I yelled, "I need to go somewhere, you're on your own."

"Sirena! I have no idea what I'm doing!" She shouted after me, but I was already out the door.

"Figure it out," I called, before the door swung shut behind me. I hustled down the street heading towards TJ and Bergie's apartment building. It was about ten blocks from the coffee shop and it would normally take about 20 to 30 minutes to walk but I ran, making it there in 15. I buzzed their number and waited impatiently for a reply. I didn't get one so I buzzed again, holding it down until I got a response.

"Yeah?" Bergie's voice came from the speaker.

"Bergie, where is TJ? Is he there?" I asked, breathlessly.

"Rena?" Bergie asked, confused.

"Yes, you moron!"

"Sorry, I didn't know if you were a fan girl or not. Here, I'll buzz you in."

"BERGIE!" I screamed, "is TJ there? Because if he isn't then I'm not coming up."

"Oh well good because I'm naked. I just got out-"

"So he's not there?" I cut him off, so annoyed that I wanted to slap him through the intercom.

"No, I don't know where he is though. He said something about needing air and space. I think he went for a walk?" Bergie told me. I groaned out loud, having no idea where TJ could be. I needed to talk to him NOW. I didn't want to run all over the city looking for him. But I would if I had to.

"One more thing, is he okay? Like, is he in a forgiving mood?" I asked, closing my eyes and bracing myself for no.

"Honey, if it comes to you, he's always in a forgiving mood. I hope you work it out. I miss our double dates." Bergie mused. I laughed.

"Thanks Bergie. Well, if he comes home, will you have him call me? I'm going to go try and find him."

"Rena, St. Louis is kind of a big city. He could be anywhere."

I pondered that thought, trying to think like TJ. If I were him, where would I go? I tried to focus on all the places I had been with him, places that he had shown me about the city that I had never even known existed. And then it hit me like a dump truck. I was so dumb, I knew exactly where he is. I closed my eyes, his voice swarming around in my head: "Just promise me you'll remember this place someday in the future. Someday when you're really mad at me, okay?"

"Never mind, I know where he is. Bye Bergs!" I exclaimed, running full tilt towards the park where I knew he would be. I may have still been tired from my run to their building earlier but I pushed through it. I also silently thanked my parents for making me do soccer all through high school. Thank god for a coach who was a running Nazi.

I felt a tad bit out of whack, almost like I was going crazy. My heart beat wildly, not just because of the exercise but with anticipation of seeing TJ. But I guess that's what love does, It makes you crazy and takes a hold of you, never fully letting go. And the closer I got to the park and TJ, the stronger my feelings came. I was finally going to live my life off the edge. I was going to fling myself off the cliff, hoping to God TJ would be there to catch me.

Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless