What If I Told You I Love You

So I did what Derek told me to do, I stayed away. And I ended up proving myself right. It was hard to stay away. If I was at the Scottrade Center I made sure I didn't make an appearance in the same hallway that we bumped into each other. If I felt his presence, and oh boy did I, I ran the opposite direction. I tried to avoid the arena all together but it was practically impossible because of my love for hockey.

Mel told me that TJ asked Bergie where I had been recently. A part of me was happy that he noticed that I wasn't around anymore but another part of me was upset because it made it that much harder to stay away. I had been avoiding TJ for about two weeks now and it wasn't getting easier as the days passed like I had hoped. I wasn't even sure why I was doing this. Why should I let Derek tell me who I could and couldn't see? I figured it was because it armed me with an excuse to stay away from TJ and to avoid the way I really felt about him.

Christmas was approaching and I was surprised at how fast time seemed to be flying. I just wanted to hold my hands out and scream stop. The Blues were not having a good season. With TJ being out for so long, and trying to get his legs back under him, it was hard for them to generate offense. It pained me to see TJ struggling after being out so long but I knew it was a matter of time before he started cashing in on his opportunities. It hurt even more because I just wanted to make it all better for him, like that day at the mall.

To say I missed TJ was an understatement. I needed him and all the excitement he seemed to bring to my life. I had never felt this way about someone and it surprised me that I had this strong of a reaction to him after all the crap we had pulled on each other. Maybe that was just a way of getting attention. Maybe that was what our main goal had been, not destroying each other, but noticing one another. So we did crazy things so we couldn't get each other off our minds. Either way it was still working. Staying away from him was proving to be one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I wanted to see him again but I didn't mean to break the avoidance one December day, it just happened.

I was walking down the street in downtown St. Louis, heading back from seeing Derek in his condo, when I stopped at Starbucks to grab a cup of coffee in order to warm up. Winter was arriving in St. Louis and all though it wasn't as cold as some places, it made me freeze to the bone. I had just opened the door when I noticed a familiar figure in the back, hunched over a cup of coffee and flipping through a three-ring binder. I froze and the person behind me, slammed into me from my sudden stop in the doorway. I muttered a quick apology before scurrying up to the counter.

I ordered a white chocolate mocha, deliberately keeping my voice low to not draw TJ's attention. I paid and went to wait for my coffee at the end of the counter, next to where TJ was sitting. I glanced quickly at him, his back was to me but I noticed he wore a North Dakota jacket that I had seen him wear before, along with a nice pair of jeans and some Nikes. I smiled at how comfortable and decedent he looked before diverting my attention.

"So, you're avoiding me why?" TJ asked from behind me. I cringed when I heard his voice. Damn, I thought I was going to be able to get out of here without him noticing. I turned slowly on my heels, noticing he hadn't even turned to look at me. He just kept flipping through the binder which, I took note, had plays in them.

"I'm not," I lied. This caused TJ to shine his blue eyes on me, making my heart sputter and my breathing become shallow. God, he was going to be the death of me.

"Honey, I'm not as stupid as I look." TJ gave me a pointed look before pulling the chair out from next to him.

"I can't-"

"Shut up and sit down." TJ said. His voice wasn't demanding but it didn't leave room for questions. So I grabbed my mocha and sat down next to him.

"So your pansy of a boyfriend let you out of the house, huh?" He asked, flipping the page and taking a sip of his coffee.

"He's not a pansy, and he doesn't control me as much as you think." I snapped, feeling defensive like always when it came to Derek.

"He's an asshole." TJ said, looking up at me. Something flickered in his eyes when he looked into mine but I just brushed it off as the lighting.

"You don't even know him."

"I don't have to, to understand that he treats you like your a piece of property and not his girlfriend. You need someone who knows how to treat you right." He spoke, his eyes piercing into mine. It took me a second before I was able to register his words because his gaze made my mind go blank. I just wanted to dive bomb across the table and make out with him. But I couldn't do that for multiple reasons.

"And who do you suggest I date? You?" I asked, jokingly.

"Yeah."

Okay, I totally didn't expect that.

My mind started to race with unanswered questions while my body started to go into overdrive. My face flushed and I set my hot coffee down, suddenly not needing to be warmed up. Even though he wasn't asking me out, technically, I wanted to scream YES, as if he did. But instead of doing that I freak out on him, not wanting him to see through my defenses.

"What the hell. You should fricking talk. You were a bigger asshole to me the first couple weeks we met than Derek has been in the our whole relationship. How could you possibly be better for me when Derek has been nothing but nice and caring for me and our relationship?" Even to myself I could hear the desperation in my voice. It sounded like I was trying to come up with excuses and at the same time convince myself that Derek was better for me than TJ ever could be.

"Plus, I don't date hockey players," I finished, standing up in a huff and walking past him. TJ stood up too, pulling on my wrist, his fingers laced with mine, stopping me from walking away. I looked back at him, glaring at our interlaced fingers.

"How would you know that you don't deserver better, when he's the only one you have been-"

TJ stopped mid sentence, looking over my shoulder. His mouth dropped and his lip curled up into a sneer while anger flashed through his blue eyes. His sudden reaction surprised me. I turned to look over my shoulder to see what he was looking at but TJ's hand came and stopped my head from turning.

"Don't, your not going to want to see it." He murmured, his tone soft and pleading. I slapped his hand away.

"Don't fucking tell me what to do," I snapped, turning my whole body around.

I took in the sight before me and the air whooshed out of my lungs, leaving me breathless and deflated. My body slammed into TJ's and I crumpled into him, sliding slightly down his chest before his arms wrapped around me. He turned me so my face was in his chest and he let me wreck the white shirt he was wearing as the tears slid down my face, dragging my mascara with it.