What If I Told You I Love You

TJ pulled away from the kiss, biting on his bottom lip slightly. I broke eye contact with him, not able to handle the way his blue eyes searched my green ones, looking for an answer to a question I didn't even know. Glancing down at our shoes, I laughed when I realized we didn't have the proper footwear to be on ice.

"It's too bad we don't have skates," I broke the silence, smiling up at him.

"Why's that?" He asked, tilting his head to the side, still studying me.

"We could play some shinny," I told him, gesturing to the hockey nets on the side of the pond, "I'm assuming those are yours?"

"Yep, we could play some pond hockey, but I'd kick your ass so it wouldn't be fair," He spoke, confidence oozing off of his body.

"Hey!" I replied, smacking his shoulder, "I played hockey, thank you very much." Then I cringed when I realized I just told him that.

Hockey had always been a touchy subject with me. I played all through my youth and high school. I was the hot shot on the team, a lot like TJ actually. I dangled the defensemen, made the goalies look stupid, and set my teammates up for some awesome plays. But all of that was shot to hell after I seriously injured my ankle. I crashed into the boards, my ankle bended in the wrong way, and a couple days later, I came out of surgery with two plates, countless pins, and a nice scar.

They told me there was a possibility that I could be back to the way I was, but chances were high that I wouldn't be able to skate as naturally as I had before. I didn't want my opponents to have the benefit of seeing my struggle, I didn't want them to see me weak, so I hung up the skates for good. I wasn't willing to play hockey if I wasn't going to be as good as I was before. I couldn't jeopardize my team like that. I knew they would pity me, I was the captain after all, and I didn't want that. I wanted to do it all on my own merit and after the surgery it just didn't seem possible to me.

"And you didn't play college hockey?" TJ asked, curiosity perked.

"No, I wasn't as good as you," I joked, rolling my eyes.

"No seriously, why not?" He pressed, sensing there was so much more to the story.

I hesitated, unsure if I should let TJ in about it all. I barely ever told anyone the story of why I didn't play anymore. People just thought I got tired of it, that it was too much and I couldn't take the day to day grind. That's a load of bullshit in itself, you get used to it after a while, pretty soon being so exhausted you can't even move, becomes a lifestyle. I took a deep breath, glancing around at this place I never knew existed. I decided that I could trust TJ with this, If he trusted me enough to bring me here, then I could let him in.

So I did. He lead me over to a wooden bench, brushing it off before letting me sit down. I told him everything. The game, the hit, the paramedics, bracing my ankle and the cheers of the crowd as they pulled me from the ice. I explained to him how the ambulance ride was me fighting them, yelling and screaming that I wanted to get back on the ice. TJ threw in a few jokes, telling me he wasn't surprised. I would just roll my eyes and punch him again. That kid was going to have a huge bruise if he didn't knock it off.

I let him into the pain and anguish when they told me I needed surgery and how it would take at least a year before I would be able to skate, competitively, again. I informed him of how addictive pain medicine can get when your trying to escape your life. I let him see the person barely anyone did. I told him about the countless hours of physical therapy and how sometimes it hurt so bad I wanted to give up. I informed him that it took everything I had in me to convince myself that I was making the right decision, not only for myself, but for my team and the team I was supposed to play for in college, the University of Minnesota.

"Oh, well you were better off in that area," TJ reassured me, shaking his head.

"I still went to school there, moron," I told him.

"What? You're the same age as me, why aren't you still there then?"

"I went to summer school because my mom lives in Minnesota, and I wanted to finish early, get on with my life. So I graduated last year with a major in business." I shrugged.

"Wow, business. I guess you must actually be smart."

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Don't stick it out if you're-"

"I don't plan on using it, so don't finish that sentence."

"Well, we don't always plan these things." TJ whispered huskily, next to my ear. I would have turned to him and glared but our lips would have touched and I wasn't feeling overly friendly at the moment.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out, figuring it was Mel.

BORED! come save me?

I laughed out loud, "It's Mel, one sec." I got up, walking a couple feet away from TJ and calling Mel.

"Please tell me you aren't busy?" She pleaded, "I'm going to shoot myself because it would be more exciting than anything I've done all day."

"Sorry, I'm with someone," I apologized.

"Fuck that, ditch them and come be with me," Mel responded, totally serious.

"I don't think you would like it if I did." I informed her, smirking when she got really quiet.

"Holy shit, are you with TJ!? Oh my god!" She screamed and I had to hold the phone away from my ear. "Wait, what about Derek."

"Oh no, that is a story for in person only." I laughed when she screamed even louder. "But I also have to talk to you about TJ." I told her, taking a deep breath and making sure TJ wasn't paying attention to me. "I like I have feelings for him. Like the opposite to hate. And I'm scared." I told her, gulping as I confessed something I didn't even want to admit in my head.

"Oh Rena! That is prefect!"

"No it's not. It's bad. But I have to go, I'm being rude." I told her, looking to see TJ watching me with that same quizzical look. His eyes bore into mine and for a second I thought he might have heard what I said, but I dismissed it, clearly he couldn't have. I'm 20 feet away and whispering.

"Okay, okay. But I want all of the dirty details after your done. Come over and we can have girl time." Mel said, her smile beaming through the phone. I hung up, not even saying goodbye because she would try to keep me on even longer.

"Sorry about that," I said, walking back to TJ and plopping down next to him.

"It's fine." He responded, seeming distant, almost like that day at the mall. His face was crumpled up in confusion and almost sadness. He looked like he was contemplating something important. Also, like he was conflicted. I shrugged, not sure what to make of his sudden distance, but it vanished soon after anyway.

"So was it hard to stop playing?" He asked, launching back into our previous conversation.

"At first I wanted to shoot myself for being so stupid. I was not a happy person to be around. It was my senior year in high school and while you were winning state championships I was getting trashed every night because that was easier than dealing with my decision. I couldn't handle it, especially because I obviously made the selfish and wrong decision. I should have gone through it, all of it, the therapy, getting better, pushing through the pain. I didn't do it because I wasn't strong enough."

TJ just looked at me with those same quizzical eyes like he was trying to figure out why the last puzzle piece didn't fit in it's spot. "Sirena, I highly doubt you weren't strong enough. I haven't known you that long, but I swear to god your tougher than the whole hockey team. You have balls, not literally, but mentally. You're not afraid of anything. I admire you for that."

I looked over at him, scrunching my nose at him. "What? A superstar admires little ol' me?" I questioned, fluttering my eyelashes at him.

He laughed and snaked an arm around my shoulders,"You're a tough bitch." I gave him a look and he quickly backtracked, "not literally, but I mean you don't take crap from anyone. And that's the kind of girl I need in my life."

I quickly looked over at him when he said that. The kind of girl he needs in his life? My eyebrows lowered in confusion, looking over his calm face and demeanor, trying to asses what he meant.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him, hoping he would clarify, and not in the joking manor he always did.

"That I like you a lot more than you probably think," He grimaced when that came out, wincing as if he was in pain. But as fast as it came on his face it was gone. I brushed it off, ignoring the slight pinch in my heart, knowing that should be a sign.

"Well the same goes for me. I guess there really is more to you than a sarcastic player." I told him, trying to fight my smile.

He squeezed me really hard into his side, crushing me against him. I squealed in response, flailing my legs around to wiggle out of his grasp. He scooped me up by my legs, picking me up and twirling me around. I laughed, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped up in TJ's arms and the way he seemed to hold me closer with every second that passed. He set me back on my feet with a huge smile on his face. He could be such a little kid sometimes, but I loved him for it.

I cringed inwardly at that thought again. I was just trying to get used to the new feelings that were swarming through my body but loving TJ was going to be hard to accept. I've never felt this way about anyone and the fact that TJ, my sworn enemy, had the power to completely destroy me, made me so scared, I wanted to run screaming in the other direction. Guys like TJ don't love girls, they play girls. But try telling that to someone like me, completely wrapped up in everything he is, and everything we could be. Plus, sometimes you can't protect yourself after being in too deep. And you can't ignore feelings that don't want to go away.

I looked back at the pond one more time, before it slipped behind the pine tree, appreciating it's beauty. The way it held so much meaning for TJ, I hoped it would hold meaning for the both of us soon. And as TJ took my hand, walking me out of the woods and back on the trail, I hoped that with the magic of the holidays, It would some how effect him, making him see something in me that makes me different from all the other girls he could have. I hoped he could get caught up in me just like I did with him and then maybe he could learn to love me too.
***(TJ)

I unlocked my apartment door and walked through it, only to see Mel and Bergie making out on the couch. I quickly averted my gaze and hooked a hard left to the kitchen. I grabbed some water from the fridge and slunk down at the kitchen table with my back to them. I heard them both get up but I wasn't really paying attention to anything besides the thoughts that were swirling in my head.

This was going to be so much harder than I ever imagined. I never thought I would give a crap about her. I didn't think I would care what she would think if she knew that all of this was just a scam. But I did, and that scared the shit out of me. She wasn't supposed to effect me like this. But I can't get her out of my head, when I'm with her, when I'm not, when she's across the room, it doesn't matter; she is constantly on my mind and it's really starting to piss me off.

"Hey Timmy, I thought you would still be with Rena." Bergie asked, sitting across from me. I looked behind him and then turned to look at the couch. "She left. You look like you want to talk. What's up?"

"Did you sleep with Mel yet?" I blurted out, looking at him. A grin broke out on his face but it wasn't a cocky one, it was a grin that told me he fell for Mel like I think I was for Sirena.

"Yeah, a week ago." He confirmed, shaking his head to rid himself of the memory. He still had a grin on his face when he looked back at me.

"But, how did you do it?" I asked him, hoping he would be able to give me some insight.

"Well, you take your clothes off.."

"Bergie, shut up, bro. You know what I fucking mean." I told him, standing up from the table and moving towards the couch.

"You mean how did I get the whole, I'm with her because of a bet, out of my head?" I nodded and he continued, "easy, I'm not. I would have helped her that day on the street even if I didn't know that she was my girl. To be honest, I didn't figure it out until I got home later that night. She means a lot to me and so what if the bet is there, it only means something if you think about it."

I looked over at him, and I mean really looked at him. From his messy blonde hair, wrinkled shirt, and his huge grin. God, this kid had it bad. I shook my head, looking back up at the ceiling. I can't love Sirena. I came down to St. Louis to play hockey, to win a Stanley Cup, not get a girlfriend. I wasn't a one women kind of guy and she would be a no tolerance on cheating.

You could change for her dipshit.

No, that's the thing, I don't want to change for her.

Yes you do.

I slapped a pillow over my head and resisted the urge to scream and/or suffocate myself. I have never been so confused in my fucking life. This was so much more complicated now. I couldn't ignore the feeling that Sirena gives me when I'm around her. I can't deny the physical attraction I feel for her and it's obvious that would be there without the bet. I find myself wanting to touch her all the time. The weird thing is even if she's just standing next to me, ignoring me, I'm okay for the moment, because she is there.

"Holy shit, you fell for her." Bergie exclaimed, a shit-eatting grin on his face. He howled with laughter as he took the pillow off of my face. He slapped my arms, pulling me up from the couch, into a man hug. I rolled my eyes and pushed him away, walking towards my room. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I needed to figure some shit out, preferable before I sleep with Sirena. I tried to shut the door to my room but Bergie followed me.

"Dude, what the fuck happened to, she's just going to be another lay, no big deal?" Bergie asked, sitting in the chair by my desk.

I groaned, "Bro, just drop this."

"Man, if you and Sirena got together, we could go on double dates, wouldn't that be fun!?" Berige exclaimed like a total girl.

"Bergie, did you loose your manhood when you had sex with Mel? Seriously man, you sound like my 17 year old sister. And Sirena and I will never get together." I informed him. I ignored the slight hitch in my breathing and the pinch my heart felt when I voiced those words. I didn't care, I didn't care, I can't care, I don't want to care, but I DO.

"Whatever man. Being with Mel makes life here bareable. I was so fucking homesick and then I saw her and she was a new reason to be here. She's my home away from hockey. Speaking of manhood, dude, you still have to sleep with Sirena."

"I know." I replied with a monotone voice.

"It doesn't matter that she will hate you if she ever finds out. That all of this, all the time together, won't matter after she finds out."

"You don't think I haven't been fucking thinking about that since I realized how much I actually give a shit about her?" I snapped at him, "you don't think I don't realize that she will never talk to me again because not only will she feel betrayed but because I did it, it will be ten times worse. I heard her fucking talking to Mel, she fucking loves me. LOVE! dude, that is a big fucking deal. I don't want to hurt her but what other choice do I have?"

"Easy, don't let her find out," Bergie said, totally ignoring my outburst and the paranoia that was escalating by the second.

"This is Sirena fucking Stillman we are talking about, she will find out."

"Dude, you just have to be smart," Bergie rolled his eyes, "and it's okay to admit you love her too, Timmy. You guys can still be together, you know."

"Our relationship would be based off of a lie," I informed him.

"No, it's not a lie, you just didn't tell her something. BIGGG difference."

I laughed at his way of rewording the definition of lie, "I don't know man." I told him, sitting up and looking out the window at the St. Louis night.

"Are you going to wish you would have given it a chance later on in life when your still messing around with a different girl every night? Don't you want that stability that Sirena could bring to your life? She could be the constant in your life. Hockey can't do that for you." Bergie said, moving towards the door, "and at the risk of sounding like a total girl, maybe you should tell her you love her, so if she finds out about the bet, she will know that you do and maybe she will take that into consideration." He knocked on the door jam before walking to his room and shutting the door behind him.

I groaned out loud, thinking about what I was going to do. Either way one of us would get hurt, if not both. I looked up at the white ceiling above my bed, running my hands roughly over my face. Trying to think of what to do. Do I sleep with her, win the bet, and then never tell her about it, hoping she doesn't find out from someone else? Or do I not sleep with her, loose the bet and be with her? God, both of them sucked. I racked my brain, trying to think of a way that I could win, but I just didn't see one.

I rolled over, looking at the snow falling outside, thinking about how much she opened up to me today. Her story about how hard it was for her to quit hockey made me want to play for her. It made me want to give it my all because she couldn't. It made me want to scoop her up in my arms and take away the hurt that had been evident on her face.

I laughed because of how ironic that was. I knew that when she found out, she would be hurt, betrayed, and would probably hate me. I just hoped that she would remember that place, and how I let her into my world, and know that she means something. I just prayed to God she could learn to forgive me for what I'm going to do, what I have to do.