Staircase

Sam’s car was gone when I returned to the bus and he never returned.

I can’t. I’m going home.

His text made me feel worse, if that was even possible at that point. I absolutely despised myself for hurting him like Oliver had hurt me all those months ago. Granted, it wasn’t quite as horrible, but heartbreak is heartbreak. It fucking hurts.

After my talk with Lee I retreated to my bunk to try and rest until the show. I had gotten little sleep the night before as my nerves were on end about today. Still I found no relief. My head was filled with thoughts. What would happen now? Is Oli truly serious about being with me? The thoughts wouldn’t end and I growled in frustration.

“Aye, alright?” I heard Tom’s voice from outside my bunk and I pulled back the curtain to find his icy blue eyes filled with concern. I gave him a pitiful look and he sighed, but motioned for me to scoot over. I pressed my back to the wall of my bunk and Tom slipped his shoes off before joining me, sliding the curtain closed behind him. “What’s up, love?” he asked once he had settled with his head on the pillow next to mine.

“I feel like shit.” I spoke bluntly. There was no other way to put it.

“It’ll get better,” Tom reassured me. “Have yeh talked to Oli?”

“No,” I groaned, burying my face in my pillow.

“Well, there yeh go. Nothin’ will get better ‘till yeh talk to him.”

“I don’t wanna,” I whined like a five year old. I had no clue what exactly to say to Oliver. This was not a conversation I was looking forward to at all.

“Oye, c’mon,” Tom slid out of my bunk and began tugging my arm. “Yeh’ve got time before they go on.” I gave up my struggle and trudged into the bathroom to check my reflection before following Tom out of the bus and through the back entrance of the venue. I tried to block out the muffled music coming from the stage area as I followed Tom, desperately searching for something to say to Oliver. All too soon we were in the guys’ dressing room. They were lounging around, beers in hand, relaxing until time for their set. I noticed Oliver was the only one missing and I let out a sigh of relief.

“Feelin’ better, love?” Lee beckoned me over to the couch he was sitting on beside Curtis and I took the empty seat between the two.

“Yeah,” I gave him a slight smile. “Ready to play?”

“O’ course,” he grinned. My brother is soft spoken most of the time, but I could tell he loved playing on stage. I couldn’t imagine him doing anything else with his life. He wouldn’t be Lee if he wasn’t playing music in a band. It was all he ever talked about growing up. Our mother wasn’t particularly happy with his planned career, but she supported him nevertheless.

“Aye, get yer arses out here! Where the fuck is Oli?” Bring Me the Horizon’s tour manager stuck his head inside the door.

“Here,” Oli walked up behind him. Our eyes met for the briefest second before he looked away.

I followed my brother as he grabbed his guitar and walked out of the dressing room with the rest of the band. Nicholls made his way behind his drum kit as the others slung their respective instruments over their shoulders before filing onto the stage. I waved goodbye to Tom as he made his way to the barrier front of the stage, camera in hand. Oliver jumped in place, mentally preparing himself as the crowd roared with cheers and applause as the guys began playing their intro.

“Good luck!” I felt the need to yell to him. His eyes stared into mine and he gave me a genuine smile before taking his microphone from one of the crewmembers and joining the rest of the band on stage.

My heart felt infinitely lighter in that moment and the butterflies in my stomach seemed to have morphed into bats as I watched the boy I love jump around on stage with his best friends and my brother.

The boy I love. There’s no denying that statement. I know it’s true, he knows it’s true. Even my brother, who I previously thought was completely clueless to my emotions, knew the truth. I guess I wasn’t as deceptive as I liked to believe.

Oliver kept glancing over to me throughout their set, meeting my eyes a few times, and making me look down with a light blush on my face. I tried to contain the wide grin on my face to no avail.

Tom came back just a few songs in. He took in my tinted cheeks and grin and a smile spread wide on his face. I shook my head at the ridiculous look and his face and nudged his side before he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and returned his attention to the stage.

The boys breezed through their set flawlessly, with the exception of Vegan tripping over his feet once. Curtis was the first to bound toward us, dripping with sweat but displaying a wide grin nonetheless.

“How shit were we?” he asked me and I was quick to deny his statement. Though their music was heavy, fast and just loud, I would never say it was bad. You’re just either into it or not. Growing up with Lee, I pretty much had to like it. I knew it was only going to get even better with time.

I followed the rest of the boys into their dressing room where they were quick to grab some towels and change from their sweaty shirts. I suddenly felt very awkward being in the same room as Oliver. I wasn’t sure how to act around him.

Luckily I was saved from my thoughts as the boys all headed out to talk with fans, leaving Tom and I behind. I knew Oliver and I needed to talk soon and figure things out.

It’s gonna be a long night.