Imperfectly Beautiful

Click.

Peyton wouldn’t talk to me. Camilla hadn’t called yet. I bet her tongue was too busy being shoved down Robert’s throat.

Click.

I can’t think that way. I can’t think for the worst. Sure, Peyton was the only person besides my brothers and Camilla that I had actually had some sort of relationship with ever since The Jonas Brothers had disappeared, but I can’t tell myself that our friendship is over with. And okay, Camilla had promised that she would have called as soon as she landed, and she had been gone for almost three days now, but maybe the reception was just really bad.

Click.

Who am I kidding? Peyton hates me. Camilla loves someone else. I’m going to die alone.

Click.

I had taken a picture four times of the exact same thing. The wall of my apartment bedroom, colored light blue with only one photo of Camilla and I taped up above the nightstand. She wasn’t smiling, and I was smiling too much. Her eyes were glued to the camera, mine were glued on her flawless features next to me.

My back was faced toward the entrance of my bedroom, and I was too caught up in my sulking to hear Nick walk up behind me.

“What are you doing?” He asked, causing me to jump off the edge of my bed that I had been sitting on.

His eyes scanned over me. I hadn’t shaved since I locked myself in my room two days ago, the day I had seen Peyton in the mall when I was with Nick. I didn’t remember if I was wearing the same clothes or not, but the same blue hood of my sweatshirt was resting on my messy hair loosely.

“Joe, you’re a mess. Have you even showered?” Nick’s nose scrunched up as he started to pick up cups and plates that I had left on the floor of my bedroom. I laughed sleepily and nodded my head.

“Of course I have, that would be gross.” I lied. Thinking about it, I wasn’t even sure how much I had slept in the past few days. I turned around slowly and grabbed my camera off of the floor before exiting my bedroom. It was lighter than the room I had just left, where all of the blinds were closed and lights turned off. Nick had probably opened the curtains of every other room in the apartment, and a window was even cracked open in one corner. Unless I had left them that way.

Shrugging the thought off, I plopped down in a chair and powered on the camera, going to the playback mode where two-hundred new pictures were saved. Most of them were of random things in my bedroom-a knit hat that was hanging out of my dresser, the same wall I had been facing earlier, even a dress of Camilla’s that hung on her side of the closet alone. My heart twitched as I turned to the last saved picture on my camera. The only picture left from when I went to the beach with Peyton and Camilla.

Peyton was staring out into the ocean, her hair flowing behind her for a strong wind had probably picked up. The cuffs of her pants were rolled up to her knees, the edges of them soaking from the ocean water. Her face was so serene and peaceful, the completely opposite of what I had seen the last time I saw her.

That face was angry. It was more than angry. It was furious. It was confused, and hurt, yet longing, and forgiving, and wanting.

“Joe, your really freaking me out.” Nick said, sitting down next to me. He tried to see the image on the LCD screen, but I tilted it toward my chest. “You have been looking at that thing for five minutes without saying a word.”

“I’ve grown used to not talking to anyone.” I mumbled, quickly setting the camera down on the table in front of me.

“All of us have been really worried. We tried calling, but…you didn’t answer.” Nick flipped his curls out of his eyes and nodded toward my answering machine. Fifteen new messages.

I hopefully stood up from the chair and pressed the button down. Who, however, I was hopeful had called, I wasn’t really sure of.

“Joe.” Nick’s voice via recording filled the desolate living room. “What happened with you and Peyton? Call me, I haven’t talked to you in a while.”

My stomach churned as I flipped through all of the messages left by either my brothers or parents. Then, her voice began to play.

It was silent at first. My finger hovered over the skip button, but before I had time to press it, someone sighed.

“Joe.” One word. My name. It sent my heart wild. “I’m really sorry for everything that I told you. I was…really uncertain of my feelings then, but I would love to catch up and talk about what happened that night. I real-”

“Hey!” Nick shouted as I pressed the button down, cutting of Peyton’s voice completely. We sat in silence as I stared back down at the five messages that remained. Were they from Peyton? Or had Nick and Kevin kept calling? What are the chances that they are from Camilla? “Joe, who was that?”

“None of your business.” I mumbled, watching as the number continued to flash back at me. Five. Five. Five. “I’ll get showered. I…I have to meet with someone.”
“Who? Joe, you can’t just keep Kevin and I out in the dark on this. What is going on with you recently? You’re changing, ever since Camilla left, you’re a completely different person. You won’t…you won’t talk, or leave your apartment, or do anything. Do you miss her?”

My stomach dropped as Nick’s eyebrows clenched together in confusion. I tugged on a lose string that was hanging off of my sweatshirt. Did I truly miss Camilla? I hadn’t been upset when she left. At least not in the state I was in right now. That didn’t happen until I had found out that Peyton was upset with me. She was disgusted, she was embarrassed, she wanted nothing to do with me. Maybe I missed someone else. Maybe I missed Peyton, and her camera, and her smile, her laugh, her…being with me.

“Yes,” I sighed, running my hands through my greasy hair. I paused slightly and glanced up a my brother. “I miss her.”

Yet it wasn’t Camilla that I missed. It was Peyton.

* * *

I let the warm water from the shower trickle down my body as I stood motionless in front of it. Nick hadn’t left, he didn’t believe that I would honestly leave the house if he did. I could hear the rustling and pounding from mine and Camilla’s bedroom as he probably cleaned it up.

I wasn’t sure how long I was in there, but by the time I had walked out of the bathroom, fully clothed and ready to finally leave the apartment for the first time I days, I felt numb.

Numb in a way that seemed like I had nothing to do outside of the front door. Numb in the way that I wasn’t completely convinced that Peyton would appreciate my apology. Numb by the idea of Camilla being with Rob in England. I felt numb.

“Peyton.” Nick stated as I walked into the living room, where he had been sitting in front of the coffee table. My camera was powered on, and I already knew what picture he had been looking at by the shocked expression on his face. “Joe, you…you like, Peyton.”

“What?” I asked, feeling every nerve ending in my body tingle to life as Nick tossed the camera to me. I studied Peyton’s features and her surroundings, glancing back up at my brother momentarily. “You’ve been different since she came along.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” I asked furiously, sitting across from Nick as he sighed. A distant smile was on his face as his eyes met mine.

“Because everyone sees it, Joe.” He answered. “You were happier, you seemed more like you did back to that first year that we had been discovered. Then, you kissed Peyton. And she got upset by it, and you went right back to the boring person that you have turned into.”

My cheeks flamed dark red as Nick shook his head. I wasn’t angry because of what he had said. I was angry because it was true.