Imperfectly Beautiful

We sat in silence.

Silence that made me feel horrible for everything I had admitted to. Silence that made me want to take back that day at Rupture, Nick’s outburst, Camilla’s anger, My discovery. Why did I have to see that brochure? Why did I have to go? Why did I go in the first place?

“You should start from the beginning.” Kevin told me, crossing his arms over his chest sleepily. Eleven-thirty at night, that was what time Nick had finally realized we should include Kevin in this situation. I was laying on the long couch, feeling as if I were a therapy patient, while Nick sat next to me with his head balanced in his hands. Kevin strummed on an old acoustic guitar absentmindedly as I turned around to look at him.

“The beginning of what?”

“When you realized you had feelings for her.” My stomach swirled around at the thought. When was the moment I had felt this way about Peyton? The sweaty palms when she was around, the tumbling stomach at the sound of her voice, the instant smile at the mentioning of her name. When did it start?

Was it the night I kissed her, or before? It had to have been before, since I wouldn’t kiss a girl without feeling something emotionally with her. When we had coffee so early in the morning? When I saw her at the art studio, carrying the large box of cards out to her display?

I hadn’t realized I was smiling. When thinking about her, it came naturally. I didn’t realize Kevin and Nick were staring at me with worry in their eyes, as if to ask me what was going on.

I also hadn’t realized that the phone was ringing.

“Are you going to get that, or was I supposed to?” Nick questioned, glancing over at Kevin. I instantly sprang to my feet and stood in front of the receiver, staring down at the caller ID.

Out of area.

My hands shook as I pressed the green button in the corner of the phone. Pressing my ear up to the top end, I listened to the steady breathing of the person that was on the other line.

“Hello?” I called, feeling my stomach whirl as the breathing stopped. The person cleared their throat, which followed by them speaking almost inaudibly into the receiver.

“Joe? It’s Camilla.” My eyes darted between Nick and Kevin, who were studying me closely as I stood in the middle of my living room. My mouth opened as if I were going to say something, but nothing could come out.

‘Who is it?’ Kevin mouthed, standing up from the couch as I outstretched my hand towards him. I turned around and took the phone into my room. I slammed the door shut behind me and plopped down on the bed.

“Camilla, why the hell haven’t you called?” I asked weakly, running one of my hands through my matted hair. I stripped off my sweatshirt and let it fall to the ground into a pile, staring at my reflection in the mirror across from me. I looked terrified, and judging by the way Camilla answered me, she could tell.

“I’m so sorry, Joe.” She said quietly, the sound of a man’s British accent fading in the distant background. My stomach churned as I realized who she was with. Robert.

“Were you with Rob, Camilla?” My weak voice had turned edgy as I stood up from the bed. “Is that why you haven’t called? Were you too busy with him? God, Camilla. You really had to call me when he was around you?”

The mumbled conversation between Nick and Kevin stopped after I realized I had shouted the last statement. A small knock came from the other side of my bedroom door, but I ignored it.

“I’m with Rob, but that’s not why I called.” Camilla said faintly. “I called because…I miss you. And I haven’t been able to find a phone since I got here.”

“What happened to your phone?” I questioned.

“I lost it on the airplane.” Camilla answered quickly.

“What about Rob’s? The hotel your staying at surely has phones. Don’t give me that shit.” Camilla stayed silent.

Glancing back into the mirror across the room, I felt the phone slip out of my fingers swiftly.

My expression had changed from looking terrified into something completely different. I looked angry, yet…needy.

Like I had been waiting around for Camilla’s call since she had left the airport that day. In a way, I had. The only time that Camilla had been off of my mind was when I was with Peyton. And now, without either of them, I was alone.

I stared down at the phone that had tumbled to the floor and picked it up quickly. When I pressed the phone back up to my ear, however, the line had already gone dead.

Listening to the operator on the other line, I figured something else out.

There was no way for me to get that broken feeling out of my heart by talking to Camilla. It just made me realize that she was in a different country with her rumored ex-boyfriend, while I was stuck in Texas with nothing.

My stomach dropped as Nick finally picked the lock of my bedroom door and barged his way in, Kevin close behind. They both stared at me and then at the phone that was dangling from my fingers.

“So?” Nick questioned. “Who was it?”

“Camilla.” I stated, watching as Nick’s eyes softened. He had always hated Camilla. Now that I think of it, no one in my family really liked her. My parents tolerated her, and Kevin was too nice to actually say anything negatively about her, but no one really had a relationship with her besides me.

My eyes turned down to the camera that Nick was still holding in his hand. It was powered back on and at the last picture saved. Peyton’s picture.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I heard Kevin ask, but my eyes were glued to her profile. To her silhouette and flawless features.

Due to the current state I was in, I didn’t really understand what was going on. I idly mumbled something to my brothers and exited my bedroom, slipping on a pair of dirty converse and my jacket at the front door.

“I need to go for a walk.” I said louder, reaching out for the doorknob and twisting it.

As soon as I had slammed the door behind me, I sighed once and stared at the poorly wallpapered surface in front of me. Tears had suddenly flooded my eyes, causing my vision to be blurred, as I struggled to make my way to the staircase that led to the front lobby.

I needed my distraction. And I needed it now.