Imperfectly Beautiful

I woke up the next morning with a deep knot in the pit of my stomach. Staring up at the ceiling, I let my mind wander to a place far from where I was now. Camilla stirred next to me, gently resting her arm across the length of my chest, and I imagined it being Peyton’s. Her soft fingers traveled their way underneath my white, cotton t-shirt as I placed my hand on top of hers. Her steady breathing was the only thing I could hear until the loud ringing of my phone broke me out of my haze.

Turning my attention back to Camilla, who had turned away from me, I slowly sat up from the bed and got up without waking her. I stumbled my way down the hallway and looked around for my phone, spotting it on the coffee table in the middle of the living room.

As I picked up the phone, I could see Nick’s phone number flashing across the screen.
“Nick, it’s like, six thirt-”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Nick’s agitated voice cut me off as I listened to the angry voice that was screaming at me from the other line. “You asked Camilla to marry you? Are you out of your mind? That is a huge step, especially for not after seeing her for nearly a month. Wasn’t she with Rob, anyways? What happened to being in love with Peyton? Does she know about this? Hell, I bet she knows now-”

“Nick, wait.” I rubbed my temple roughly and sat down on the edge of the couch. “What are you talking about? How did you even figure that out?”

“Please,” Nick scoffed, “Did you really think it wouldn‘t be all over the internet by now? Everyone cant stop talking about the fairytale engagement that happened between has-been Jonas Brother, Joe Jonas, and current icon Camilla Belle.” By the way Nick announced the title, I could tell he had been reading it directly from a website. He continued to mumble imprecations through the phone.

“Where are you getting this from?” I demanded, glancing around the room for a laptop. I spotted Camilla’s on the kitchen table and clumsily sprinted toward it. Waiting for it to power on, I tapped my bare foot against the wooden floor impatiently.

“I was told by Kevin, who was told by Danielle, who was told by one of her friends, who found it on Perez Hilton.” I sighed at Nick’s complication of the whole ordeal and quickly typed in the web address. Surely enough, there I was, on the first article of the page.


Joe Jonas proposed to long-term girlfriend Camilla Belle after pulling over onto the side of a busy roadway yesterday afternoon. What might this mean for the former lead singer and his has-been pop group The Jonas Brothers? Can you say reunion album? Best wishes to the happy couple, and who knows? Maybe this is exactly what the Jo-Bro’s needed in order to get their faces back on the front of those magazines.

At first, I felt a certain fluttering in my stomach similar the one I had felt the first time I heard one of our songs on the radio. Sure, it wasn’t positive, but it felt good knowing that other people in this world were listening, or in this case reading, something related to me. Moments after my feeling of excitement, though, I felt a tinge of regret pulse through my veins.

“You think she knows?” I asked Nick, who had surprisingly stayed silent for the last few minutes. He continued to be silent, but just when I thought he had hung up on me, he mumbled his reply.

“Probably,” from the way he sounded, I knew he was trying to choose his words carefully. “I mean, it’s all over the place. Couldn’t you have, I don’t know, found a different way to do it? Somewhere that wasn’t in the middle of town on the side of a busy road?

I sighed and pulled myself into a kitchen chair, resting my head against the cool wood of the table that I was sitting at. “It just felt right. I don‘t know how it‘s even possible that after these past few weeks that something like proposing to Camilla could feel right, but it just did.”

“And what about now, Joe?” Nick asked quietly, “was it still the right thing to do?”
I lifted my head up from the table and stared at the bedroom door that I was sitting across from. The door was sealed tightly.

I bit down on my lower lip gently and sighed. “I don’t know. I mean, I love Camilla, so much. But Peyton, Peyton just seems to be the girl I’m supposed to be with, you know? It’s kind of like, we’re so similar that it just makes sense that we end up together. Camilla seems to be the worse match that there is for me out there, but that might be what kept us together for so long. And that might be why I am choosing to marry her, and spend the rest of my life with her, now.”

“I can honestly say,” Nick paused again, “that I have never been in the situation you are in now. I have dated plenty of girls in my life, but never have I had two relationships at the same time.”

I rolled my eyes at the humorous tone in Nick’s voice and leaned back in the kitchen chair. There was a part of me that was sitting at the kitchen table and rereading the article over and over again with a pit in my stomach; yet the other of me was talking to my brother at six in the morning, like we had so many years ago when I had first moved in with Camilla.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I mumbled quietly. Suddenly, the bedroom door handle twisted and was slowly swum open. Camilla, who was rubbing her eyes gently, smirked quietly my way. “I have to go, Camilla just woke up.”

Nick mumbled a quick goodbye before I hung up the phone and sat up from the kitchen table. Camilla walked past me and reached for the coffeemaker, grabbing a mug and pouring herself a drink.

“Who was that?” Camilla asked quietly, glancing behind her shoulder and smiling. “Your other girlfriend?”

My body tensed in the aisle between the kitchen and the hallway. My heart thumped loudly in my chest. “N-no, it was…Nick. I don’t have another girlfriend.”

Camilla picked up her coffee mug and walked up to me, patting my heaving chest roughly. “I was just kidding, Joe. Lighten up, won’t you?”

I laughed unsteadily and felt my shoulders drop slightly as Camilla sat down at the kitchen table and pulled an old newspaper out from underneath her laptop.

She glanced at the flashing light on top of it and turned back toward me. “Why is my laptop on?”

I sat down across from her and shrugged my shoulders. “Nick called about some article on Perez Hilton about the two of us. I was just curious, since my name hasn’t been in a headline in quite some time.”

Camilla, who had reached past her coffee mug to her laptop, glanced up at me and smiled. “That must be weird. I guess it’s just natural for me, now.”

“I miss that feeling,” I murmured softly. I studied Camilla as her eyes swept over the article quickly.

“Who knows,” she stated, bringing her coffee mug to her lips, “maybe you could do something with your brothers again. Like, another album or something.”

I sighed and shook my head slowly. No matter how badly I wanted that, I knew that I couldn’t handle that kind of responsibility with everything that was going on.

“What are your plans today?” I asked her. Camilla shrugged her shoulders, slightly taken aback by my change of subject.

“I should probably call my parents and brother. Maybe a few friends.” Camilla glanced down at the phone that was in between us. Reaching out my hand slowly, I wrapped my fingers around the phone and slid it off of the table.

“Why don’t we do something today?” I suggested, “We could go out to the park or something. We haven’t been together, just you and me, since forever. I just want to spend time with you.”I just want to forget about her.

Camilla glanced at me warily and pulled her feet underneath her. “What if we do that this afternoon? I really should call my family before they find out the way Nick did. I promise, though, we will do something after that.”

I nodded my head slowly. “Sure, if that’s what you want.” We sat in silence as I let my eyes wander around the room, instantly falling onto my camera that was still left on the coffee table in the living room.

“So, if you’re going to call everyone, why don’t I go out and snap a few pictures around town?” I stood up from the table and walked over to my camera, powering on my camera and switching it to preview mode. The picture I had only taken hours before flashed across me. Peyton’s breathtaking smile. Her luminescent eyes. Her long hair. Her soft and warm skin.

My fingers pushed the camera out of my reach and onto the sofa. Camilla, who had watched the entire situation, glanced at me uncertainly.

“Have you taken many pictures?” She asked quietly. I slowly picked my camera back up and studied the picture, shaking my head.

“Not many, actually.” I lied, “just a couple. Nothing interesting.”

“Maybe I could see them this afternoon?” She asked. I could tell that she felt obliged to ask it, but I tried to keep the grimace from being painted onto my face.

“Sure,” I said, reaching for my light jacket. I slipped on a pair of converse and grabbed my keys, opening the front door of the apartment. “If that’s what you want.”

Camilla smirked silently and nodded her head. I studied her small figure that was sitting at the kitchen table, feeling my heart twitch in the depths of my chest.

“Have fun,” She said quietly, pressing her lips back onto her coffee mug. I walked through the doorway.

“You too,” I mumbled, slamming the door behind me before walking down the corridor and outside into the shining sun.

* * *

I felt stupid being here. If I had things my way, I would have developed the photo myself. The idea of someone else, even if it was an underpaid minor, viewing my piece of art before it was complete made my stomach sick.

Tapping my fingers on the counter of the 1-hour photo developing shop, I studied the few pictures that were hanging on the pale blue walls. A family smiled joyfully at me. A dog jumped through a thick pile of leaves. A little girl walked hand in hand with her father on a beachfront. So cliché, so unlike my picture.

“You said only the one picture, right?” A girl, who had dark brown hair, reappeared from the studio with a single film piece in her black fingernail painted hand. I nodded my head without words as she stumbled her way back up to the counter I was standing in front of.

“Okay, then you should be set.” She mumbled quietly, sliding the picture across the surface. She gave me back the memory card I had given her and smiled up at me. Her face fell suddenly as her fingers wrapped around the capsule. “You know, you look really familiar.”

My stomach rolled around restlessly as I slowly glanced up at the girl. Was this some joke? She had to be just turned sixteen. She could have possibly been a fan. Or maybe it was the article. She was a teenager, she had to have read Perez Hilton at least once in her life.

“Your…” She paused again and her cheeks turned bright red. “Joe Jonas, right? That guy that used to be in that boy band?”

I smiled uncertainly. I felt flattered, yet embarrassed at the same time. Was she going to laugh in my face? Was she going to tell me how bad my band sucked, or how pathetic my brothers and I looked on the front of all of those magazines back in the day?

“Yeah, that’s me.” I replied shortly, shoving my memory card back into it’s compartment. I didn’t dare look at the picture that I would soon have to erase. The picture that would only have one single copy for the rest of it’s existence.

“Man,” The employee sighed, ringing up my purchase gingerly. “I used to be one of your biggest fans when I was like…fourteen. I always joked with my friend that I would meet you some day. I never thought it would really happen.”

I laughed softly, feeling my heart race quickly underneath my skin. The girl laughed again and handed me my receipt.

“Well it’s very nice to meet you…” I looked down at her employee vest but didn’t see her nametag. “what did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t,” She fiddled with an empty film container, “it’s Kristen.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kristen.” I smiled brightly and nodded down at my picture and camera. “Thanks for developing my photo.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” she replied, smiling once more before sauntering her way back into the studio.

I continued to glance down at the newly developed photo as I headed toward the front door. It didn’t dawn on me that another customer had walked into the store until I had nearly run them over.

Glancing up from the picture, I came face to face with the last person I wanted to confront at that moment. Peyton.

“Oh, Peyton, I…” Peyton, who was looked up at me panicky, suddenly walked past me and began studying the shelves of different chemicals. I sighed and turned on my heels slowly, trying my best to keep up with her fast pace. “Come on, Pey…”

“Don’t,” Her voice sounded choked up as she pushed a finger into my chest. I glanced down at where our two bodies touched, and she quickly pulled away. “Don’t you ever talk to me again.”

“But I want to explain.” I begged, pressing the photo of her up against my chest. I didn’t want her to know why I was here, or what I had just developed. She would instantly rip it to shreds and delete it’s every pixel, I was sure.

“It’s a little too late for that,” Peyton mumbled, grabbing a bottle of ammonium hyposulfite. “Don’t you have to go see your fiancée or something? I wouldn’t want to get in the way of your stupid, immature, idiotic-”

“Peyton.” I barked sternly. I wasn’t sure if Kristen was still in the studio, but if she hadn’t heard mine and Peyton’s conversation earlier, I was sure she had by now. “Before you say anything else, just let me explain. Please?”

“Nothing you can say will make me change my mind.” She said, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. “You lead me to believe that you actually loved me. I gave you everything I had, Joe, and what did you do? You asked Camilla Belle to marry you. Do you know how that makes me feel?”

I glanced at her without saying words and she shook her head before glancing down at the floor. “It makes me feel like scum. It makes me feel that I was just your little diversion until your true love came back from England. You used me, even when you promised me that you wouldn’t.”

“Peyton, I really did have feelings for you.”I still do, “I don’t know why I did what I did, I honestly can’t even come up with an answer for myself. I know that you gave me everything, and if I could make it up to you in any way, I would. If there is anything you need from me, anything at all, I am willing to do it.”

She seemed to consider this, but it didn’t last for long. “Just don’t speak to me ever again,” she mumbled, pushing past me and tapping the bell on the front counter twice. “Do that, and we’ll consider it even.”

Tears stung my eyes as I waited for Peyton to turn back around. I felt my stomach twist and turn into knots as a different cashier, a blonder one, entered the store and rung up Peyton’s purchase. I felt the walls of my chest caving in as Peyton turned around, bag in hand, and walked right past me and onto the crowded streets of the town.

Pushing my way through the people, I rounded the corner I had just been walking on and leaned up against a brick wall, furiously digging through my camera bag and powering on the camera.

I glanced down at the screen. The picture I had taken nearly a day ago flashed across me. Peyton’s hideous smile. Her dark eyes. Her stringy and flat hair. Her cold and unloving skin.

My fingers lingered over the delete button and I pressed down on it furiously, watching as the pixels faded away one by one.

Something stopped me from ripping up that picture of her that I had just gotten developed. Maybe it was the fact that I was still truly in love with her. No matter what unofficial promise I had just made, my heart still beat at a fast pace when even the smallest thing that reminded me of her entered my mind.

But maybe it was something bigger than that. Maybe it was the fact that I had been recognized for the first time in years when I developed this picture. I woke up this morning as not only an engaged man, but also a slightly changed man. This picture symbolized change. It symbolized hope. That someday in the near future, things would finally turn out the way they were supposed to be.