Imperfectly Beautiful

“What about white lilies and roses?” Camilla suggested, glancing up from the notebook that was resting in her lap. I sighed and ran a shaking hand through my knotted hair before shrugging my shoulders.

“It sounds fine with me.” I murmured, watching as she glanced down at her notebook.

“There’s always the possibility of something different. Maybe I should go look at the florist’s again. Something doesn’t seem right.”

“Do we need both?” I questioned. Camilla ignored my question and began flipping through one of the bridal magazines that my mom had given her.

“See the design of this girl’s bouquet?” She shoved the magazine in my face. Giving me only a few moments to look at the flowers, Camilla flipped forward a few more pages. “I don’t know if I should go with that style, or this one right here.” She pointed out another bouquet, one that looked almost exactly similar to the grouping that she had just showed me.

“They look the same.” I said morosely, pushing the magazine out of my face. My hand stretched past my empty wine glass and instead gripped onto the bottle of wine. I took a long drink and set it down next to me before falling back on the couch and closing my eyes.

“The roses could be in the middle, with the lilies surrounding it.” Camilla mumbled, her voice suddenly sounding small and vulnerable. I didn’t open my eyes as she continued to talk to herself. “Or they could be mixed in with each other so it would look…spotted almost.”

It turned silent as Camilla jotted something down in her notebook before flipping through another magazine.

I opened my eyes slowly and watched as she studied something closely in the corner of a page, grabbing one of her markers off of the table and circling the text neatly. She sighed and shut the magazine before leaning back into the couch cushion and resting her hands in her lap.

“Look, Camilla…” I trailed off as her eyes slowly met mine. A weak, disconcerting, smile was plastered across her lips as I sat forward and folded my hands out in front of me. “…I’m really sorry I’ve been acting strangely toward you. Things…things have changed since you left, you know? I know you feel like you’ve walked into a completely different world after coming back from England, and maybe you have. I-I don’t really know how to explain what’s going on, since I can’t even figure that out myself.”

Camilla continued to look at me with wide eyes as I glanced sheepishly down at the floor. I wanted to tell her everything that happened. She deserved to know, even though she didn’t deserve what I had already put her through to get in this spot that I was in now.

“Did you see her when I was gone?” Camilla questioned quietly, although her voice seemed to be amplified within my mind. I continued to stare at the floor as I nodded my head.

I expected her to throw a fit. To walk out of the apartment and disappear for a few hours. I expected that from her, even if she didn’t know how far things had gone between Peyton and I. But she didn’t throw a fit. She continued to sit where she was, her hands folded in her lap, her body slightly hunched over the magazine that was reopened in her lap. She sighed quietly before standing up onto her feet and walking in front of me.

“The wedding planner is coming over at five.” She mumbled. And with that, she crossed her hands over her chest and shuffled her way into the bedroom before slamming the door shut behind her.

Although my head ached, I reached out for the wine bottle again and finished it off.

* * *

Natalie, the wedding planner, was a petite brunette woman who, by the looks of it, was ready for business- and nothing else.

As she began to talk about the fundamentals of having a successful menu that would appeal to each of the guest’s needs, I studied the way her pantsuit seemed freshly ironed and the way her hair was pulled back so tightly that it looked like it was pulling her face back with it.

Natalie pulled a sheet of paper out of her briefcase and slid it across the table directly in front of Camilla.

“These are just a few of the selections that are local.” Natalie said, watching from the corner of her eye as Camilla began to read the names off the paper. I peered over her shoulder, although I knew I would have barely any say in the matter of which restaurant would cater our wedding. “There’s always the option of being catered out of a business that isn’t local, but I assumed that since there are many of places just down the street, you would be looking into this option.”

Natalie tapped her freshly manicured fingertips onto the glass table and looked across the table at Camilla. “Are you having trouble deciding? I’ve done a few weddings around here, so I could tell you which restaurant most of my couples have used.”

“Which one is that?” I asked quickly, trying to allow Camilla more time to look at the list Natalie had given her.

“It’s a really small place downtown.” Natalie continued, acknowledging me for what seemed to be the first time since she had arrived. “Rupture is the name of it. Have you been there?”

My cheeks turned crimson as I felt Camilla’s eyes swoop up to me.

“Quite a few times by the looks of it,” Camilla muttered before glancing back down at the sheet of paper.

I sighed and shook my head, “Rupture probably wouldn’t be the best decision.”

Natalie’s face showed its first sign of emotion; and that was confusion. She glanced at Camilla, and then back at me, and then down at the glass table before shrugging her shoulders.

“It’s highly esteemed throughout the county and my clients,” She concluded, “I also happen to know that they offer a much wider selection for parties that are catered by them. But, like I said, its your decision. I‘m just here to give you a few pointers.”

“A wide selection is good,” I murmured, glancing down at my hands uncomfortably. Camilla scoffed next to me and slammed the paper down on the table.

“I bet it is.” She spat, glancing over at Natalie and smiling sourly. “I’m sorry to bring you all the way out here without being able to make a choice, but I think I will have to do some research before I make a final decision. Can I call you tomorrow afternoon? I have to run a few ideas by you for the flowers, too.”

Natalie looked impatient in her seat, but attempted to smile sweetly before standing up and flattening out her pants.

“That’s fine, you just take your time.” She said shortly, grabbing her suitcase off of the table. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow afternoon.”

Camilla led her out to the front door, and I listened as she once again apologized for not being able to make a decision. As soon as the door slammed shut, my stomach dropped to my knees.

Camilla turned the corner and pushed past me, making her way into the bedroom. She left the door open, as if she intended for me to follow, and began rifling through a pile of clothes that were in the corner of the room.

“Camilla, what are you doing?” I asked feverishly, ignoring the articles of clothing that were being thrown around.

“So, you saw Peyton while I was gone, right?” She shouted over her shoulder. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair before plopping down on the edge of the bed.

“I already told you that,” I said, watching as Camilla paused in order to squeeze the bridge of her nose.

“Just…answer me, Joe.” She said shortly, shoving her hands back into the pile. I didn’t dare to question what, exactly, she was looking for.

“Yes, but what does that have to do with the way your acting?” I shouted, “Please help me understand.”

“Did anything happen, Joe?” She asked with a quivering voice. “Huh? Did you innocently kiss her? Or maybe more than that?”

“No.” I answered almost instantly, catching myself by surprise. Camilla laughed from the floor and paused again, this time, her hand gripping onto something that was in the pile.

“Was she ever in this apartment?” Camilla asked, glancing over at me for the first time. Her eyes were bloodshot, as if she were crying, but she didn’t have tears streaming down her face. Something about her stare seemed all-knowing, but I continued to lie.

“No, I went to her place a few times.” I paused and ran my hands up and down my pant legs, “nothing happened, Camilla.”

She glanced at me as if she were offended by the words that kept pouring out of my mouth and finally pulled something out of the pile that she had been rifling through.

In her shaking hand was a jacket, a pale, blue, jean jacket, that had been wrapped around Peyton the night I brought her up to the apartment.

“I found this just before Natalie came over,” Camilla explained, “you were probably too busy fucking some other girl to even do the laundry when I was gone. And
you’re such a dumbass that you didn’t even try to hide this from me, Joe.”

l looked questionably over at her, not knowing what to say. “Camilla, I-”

“No, Joe.” Camilla shouted, throwing the jacket at me. It hit the floor between us limply. “You can’t talk your way out of this one. There is nothing that you could say to make this better. You cheated on me- you lied to me when I damn well knew the truth.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, shaking my head in disbelief. “I don’t know what I was thinking letting this go on for so long.”

“What does sorry do?” Camilla shouted, standing up from the floor. “It does absolutely nothing.” She began walking around the room, picking up any of her clothes that she had just gotten done throwing around.

Anger pulsed through my veins as she continued to pile her things up.

“So now what, Camilla? We’ll call off the wedding, one of us will be kicked out, and you’ll go running back to Rob?” My hands shook as I clenched them into fists. “You can’t honestly stand there and make me feel like a horrible person when you know damn well that you weren’t faithful to me either. I don’t know how I know, but I know that something happened with you and Rob when you were in England.”

Camilla laughed incredulously before throwing her clothes into a pile on the bed that I was standing next to. “What? Why would you even think that?”

“B-because,” I stuttered, glancing over at Camilla’s confused expression. What had made me get the notion that Camilla had been cheating on me? “I heard him in the background once when I called.”

“And that screamed to you that we were fucking?” Camilla shouted, pacing up to me and grabbing my face between her two hands.

“Joe, believe it or not I loved you.” She said, letting go of my face and pressing her hands up to my chest. She gripped onto the fabric of my shirt weakly before pushing me away. “I planned on marrying you. And that meant that I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you.” She backed up until the back of her knees gave out and she sat on the bed next to her pile of belongings.

“I knew something had changed with you,” she said quietly, burying her face in her hands. “as soon as I saw you at the airplane terminal. But when you gave me that ring, I pushed away my better judgment and told myself that you were as crazy about me as I was about you.”

I shuffled my feet across the wooden floor and sat down next to Camilla, reaching out for her hand that was resting between us. Halfway there, I paused, thought about what I was doing, and retreated my hand back to my side.

“That night at the beach,” Camilla paused to look up at me, “when you two were taking pictures. I saw something in your eyes when you were with her that I used to see when you looked at me.” Camilla laughed, a trail of tears streaming down her cheeks. I sat frozen next to her. “When you had everything that you ever wanted. The fame, the fans, the relationship that you wanted. That’s changed, and I’m not going to stick around here to hold you back.”

“I know it’s not going to change anything,” I mumbled after we sat in silence for a few moments, “but I really am sorry. And I want you to know that.”

“I know,” Camilla replied, standing up from the bed and looking at the mess that she had made. “I’m going to go get a place for the night. I’ll come back tomorrow to start getting my things.”

I nodded my head numbly, watching as Camilla began making her way to the bedroom door. I had watched her leave a room so many times before, but never like this.

My heart pounded in my ears, I continued to clench my hands together at my sides, and my stomach rolled around nervously.

Camilla paused at the ingress of the door and turned around with her arms folded tightly against her chest.

“If you’re not here tomorrow…” She cleared her throat, “Goodbye, Joe.”

I glanced down at the ground, trying to muster up the courage to at least say something. Half of my heart wanted to tell Camilla that we could somehow work this out, and that I would completely forget about Peyton. But the other half was telling me what I had known all along- there was no way to go back now, and I could never forget about Peyton even if I tried.

The front door of the apartment closed shut, and without another word- Camilla was gone.