Words I Couldn't Say

August 2007

“Can I get you anything else?” I asked, in as perky a voice as I could muster.

The customers smiled and shook their heads, their attentions quickly turning to their food. I turned on my heel back towards the kitchen. Time for a break. I sat at the staff table with John and Amelia and gave a slight smile before resting my head on my arms on the table.

John was fiddling with the knobs on the radio. He finally settled on one of the local stations where the DJ was introducing a new song. I wasn’t paying any attention though… all I really heard was Amelia bitching about the annoying thirteen year olds she had to waitress. My ears perked up when I heard the song playing… something sounded familiar.

“Hey John, can you turn that up?”

“I gave my all for you, now my heart’s in two and I can’t find the other half. It’s like I’m walking on broken glass, better believe I bled. It’s the call I’ll never get.”

“What the…?”

“Michelle?” John asked, nudging me with his elbow. I shushed him and smacked his arm. He exchanged a look with Amelia.

“Nick?” I whispered when the new verse came on. John and Amelia were quiet during the rest of the song as I stared in confusion at the radio.

“Once again that was new group the Jonas Brothers with their hit single S.O.S. Their self-titled sophomore album is now in stores. Coming up we’ll have music from the Plain White T’s, Avril Lavigne, and Akon.”

“Oh. My. God.” I said, my mouth dropping open.

“Michelle? Yo, Michelle!” John said, snapping his fingers in my face. I blinked and looked from him to Amelia and back.

“Sorry guys… I have to go check on my tables.” I said, standing up and shaking my head.

“What’s with her?” I heard Amelia ask as I walked away.

****

“I’m home!” I called, kicking off my shoes and tossing my car keys into the bowl. Abby was in the living room watching the TV and she waved in my general direction, never taking her eyes away.

I walked into the kitchen to find Mom cooking dinner. I picked a slice of cucumber out of the salad bowl and bit it in half as I walked over to her. She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek while she mashed the potatoes.

“How was work?” she asked as she opened the stove.

“Eh, it was work.” I said shrugging and leaning against the counter, crossing my ankles. “Where’s Dad?”

“In his office. He should be out in a moment.”

“How long until dinner’s done?”

“About five minutes.”

“I’m going to go change.” I said, dashing upstairs into my room, calling a hello to my father on the way. I tore through my dressers, looking for my favorite shorts and tank top… my eyes drifting to the closet. That song today brought back so many memories of him. I sighed and walked downstairs.

“Abby! Dinner!” Mom called.

“One second!” she called back from the living room. “There’s a music video premiere coming on Disney Channel and I want to see it!”

“Hey Dad,” I said, sitting down at the table across from him.

“Hi princess.”

“O-M-G! Michelle!”

“What?” I yelled.

“Come here now!”

“Not now Abby. Dinner’s ready!”

“You have to see this!” I huffed and shoved away from the table, walking into the living room.

“What’s so important?” I asked, leaning against the couch and crossing my arms. She pointed at the TV and my eyes widened. There he was. With his brothers. All three of them. Nick, Joe…

“Kevin?” I whispered. Then… everything went black.

****

“Michelle? Michelle!”

Somebody was shaking my body. I groaned and my head rolled back and forth. Something very cold and wet hit my face. I spluttered and opened my eyes sitting up and looking around.

“What happened?” I asked, seeing the anxious looks on my parents’ faces. Abby was kneeling on the couch staring at me in shock.

“Honey, you fainted.” Dad said, resting his hand on my shoulder.

“Are you alright? Did you hit your head?” Mom asked, smoothing her hand over my head, probably checking for bumps.

“I’m fine… why did I faint?”

“Because you saw Kevin on TV.” Abby said in a whisper.

“That was real?”

“Very real. It’s the same song that’s on the radio now.”

“Right… I heard it at work… something about broken glass?”

“Yeah. S.O.S.” she said smiling. “I love it. And there’s Hold On. I want their CD.”

“Michelle, why are you so surprised? You knew they were working on a music career.” Mom said, her eyes shooting rays of sympathy into my body.

“Well, yeah I know that. That’s why he left me.” I whispered. “I thought after their first CD flopped they’d end it.”

“They got signed by Disney.” Abby told me. “Apparently they’re already doing better in CD sales than with their first one. I bet they’re going to be bigger than N*SYNC one day.”

“I can’t believe this is happening.” I said, putting my head in my hands.

****

After Mom had deemed me healthy I went up to my room and flopped onto my bed. My eyes wandered over to my closet and I worked up the courage to pull it out. The Kevin box. It was on the top shelf of my closet. It was heavier than I remembered. I dropped it on my bed and sat cross legged next to it.

“You can do this.” I told myself. I let all the air out of my mouth and slowly lifted the lid. Right there on top was the rose he had given me when he first asked me out when I was fourteen.

Kevin was sixteen and had his license and he was driving home, Joe and I in the back seat discussing our biology homework. I noticed Kevin kept glancing into the rearview mirror and smiling at me. I know it’s cliché to have a crush on your best friends’ older brother but… I couldn’t help myself. The fact that the Jonas’ lived next door and I got to see him shirtless by the pool didn’t help.

He pulled into the driveway and Joe jumped out, reaching bag in to grab his bag. I slowly climbed out and looked behind me to make sure nothing fell out of my bag.

“I’ll meet you in your back yard in a minute Joe. I’m going to change first.” I said, throwing my hair up in a messy bun as I walked. He waved to acknowledge he heard me and I started walking up the path to my house.

“Michelle, hold up a second.” Kevin said. My foot hovered over the bottom step and I turned to look at him. He was holding a single red rose and had his left hand in his curls atop his head.

“Uh… what’s up Kev?” I asked, butterflies in my stomach.

“I was wondering… would you want to uh… go to dinner with me Friday night?”

“Like… a date?” I asked, biting my bottom lip.

“Well… yeah.”

“I’d love to.” I said, a blush rising to my face. He laughed nervously and handed me the rose. He kissed me on the cheek and shoved his hands into his pockets and started walking backwards.

“Cool… I’ll get you at 5:30.”

“Okay… uh… tell Joe I’ll be right there.” I said, slowly walking up the steps.

“Yeah… no problem.”

I felt a tear slide down my face into my lap as I set the rose aside carefully. I pulled out the photo album and opened it up to the first picture. Joe and I were five… Kevin was seven and Nick was only three. We were on the beach… I kind of remembered that day… Mom was pregnant with Abby.

A few pages in and I saw pictures from our trip to the Grand Canyon. Our families were corny like that and took major vacations together. Our last picture together was from the homecoming dance. I was a sophomore and Kevin was a senior. We were together for almost a year by this point. Nick was working on making music… Kevin and Joe were helping him write songs. Kevin’s arms were wrapped around my waist and my hands were placed on top of his.

It wasn’t long after that when Columbia decided they wanted to sign all three of the boys together as a group. I was devastated. These people who were my family were leaving me. Kevin was leaving me. I can honestly say it was the worst day of my life.

We stayed in contact for awhile after they left and slowly… it got to that point where we just ended. I took it hard. I only left my room for school and then eventually for work. I never really forgot about Kevin… he was always there in the back of my mind… but after their first CD basically flopped I didn’t hear anymore about them. Until now.

“I never got to tell you how much I loved you.” I whispered, my fingers sliding across Kevin’s face in that final picture, teardrops falling faster now.