Don't Try and Change Me When It Won't Friggin' Work, for I Am Billie Joe Armstrong!

DON'T TRY AND CHANGE ME FOR I AM BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG!
GREEN DAY AND THE ROAD TRIP

Billie and Al appeared from a cardboard box, each covered in pink frilly underwear.
It was ten thirty and they had to get to the other side of Vegas in fifteen minutes, mainly because it was going to take fifteen minutes for them to find the damn boxes of red lacy shit. "Why did you ever agree to do this Billie?" Al asked.
"Me? You agreed to!" Billie Joe said defensively.
"Dude we could have just waited one night then tied Tre to a chair when he came home and tortured him into agreeing to get us into the club as his guests! Now look at us lost in the middle of Frinny Anne's lingerie factory covered in pink dotty underwear!" Al moaned.
"It's Frilly Anne's actually, or hadn't you noticed," Billie corrected holding up a pair of frilly pink hot pants. Al gave an exasperated sigh and threw him a dirty look.
"Look we have to use our heads, what's the easiest way to finding the underwear?"
Billie asked.
Al shook his head, "No way dude that office is alarmed. If we go in there we're screwed!"
"But Al, 'The List' is in there, if we get 'The List' then we can find out which docking bay the lacy red stuff is held, I mean look at this place!"
Al looked about him; it was true, the factory was bigger than they thought with boxes exactly the same in appearance piled high and everywhere in the building.
"Alright, here's the plan!" Al announced. 'Espionage' played in their heads the entire time, they felt rebellious.

"We go into the office, grab the list...."
They both snuck to the office and kicked the door in, followed by grabbing the list just as a laser system came on they rolled out the door again.
"Then we check where the lacy red shit is...."
They studied the list and found what they needed to know, ran and grabbed a trolley, loading the boxes onto it.
"Then we skedaddle before the cops arrive!"
They loaded the van and jumped into the front.
"Start the car dude!" Al yelled to Billie. (It was a van but it's easier to say car to these wankers)
"I am. I am!" Billie snapped back. The van roared into life and they sped down the road, "We got ten minutes!" Al told Billie who pressed harder onto the pedal.

Al studied a map in front of him, "Take a left!"
"Are you sure?" Billie wanted to make sure.
"Of course I'm fucking sure, hurry up, you gonna miss it!"
"But you failed map reading in geography!" Billie announced.
"Naah, I only acted dump with my homework so I'd get detention and Mrs Tinkle and I could go at it in her store!" Al replied and Billie gasped as he took a sharp left.
The van went onto its two wheels and the guitars and drums fell all about the place.
"Dude, watch the hardware!" Al yelled.
"Where now?" Billie asked.
"Next right, then another left, and we should be there!" Al said, "With ten minutes to spare...Nice one Bill, you little road rager you!"

Billie sighed as he relaxed, "So um you ever wonder what the big fuss was about this red lacy underwear?"
"No I didn't exactly have time, Al, I mean we were dodging lasers, lugging boxes and speeding up the highway!" Billie remarked with sarcasm.
"Well I did and I think there's a conspiracy here!" Al said jumping into the back.
He poked around and then suddenly yelled, "HOLY SHIT DUDE!" and made Billie swerve with fright.
"What. What. What?" Billie gasped.
"There are three big bags of Columbia's specialty!" He said smiling as he brought the big packet to the front to let Billie see.
"Whaa...dude put that back, don't hurt it!"
"Billie, it's drugs man, it hurts us...in a good loopy kind of way!" Al thought to himself happily.
"No we'll get our asses kicked if the packages are damaged, don't you watch the movies?" Billie yelled.
"Yeah I watch them with Mike all the time but I'm usually asleep by the time they get caught," Al replied.
"Put it back...quick! We're here!" Billie announced, stopping outside a broken down bungalow.
"Hello," Billie yelled getting out of the van, "We're the delivery guys!"

A small humble old lady appeared at the house across the street, "Is that you boys with my washing machine?"
"Ah...no..." Billie began, then thought she was the contact and speaking in code, "Well not unless it's RED and LACY!" he hinted.
The woman squinted, "What son, red lacy washing machines, you're sassing me!" and she hobbled back inside her quaint little bungalow.
"Boys get your skinny asses in here now!" a gruff voice said.

Billie and Al exchanged glances, "Ah okay," Al said. They got inside and they both gasped as the man with the gruff voice wasn't so manly...it was a woman! She wore a red dress and black knee high boots, with a leopard skin coat!
"What the fuck? We're in fucking Topsy Turvy land?" Al remarked.
"Put the shit on the table," she ordered in that weird and disturbing voice.
Billie had thrown in the trolley in the van as well and they used that again.
Al tried to break the awkward and scary silence, "Now we know who the underwear is for," he joked with a snort of laughter and Billie slapped him across the head, "OW! What? I was only stating the obvious!"
"Alright, now you don't know anything about these boxes do you, why is this one open?" she gruffly asked.
Billie looked at Al and Al winced, "Ah, we had to make sure it was the exact ones we were looking for!" Billie covered.
"Yeah we knew there were no drugs in there!" Al added foolishly and Billie hung his head in shame.
"What about drugs? What's this? Drugs? There was no drug deal, Ashley is my boyfriend he did this so I could get my kinky underwear!" The woman exclaimed.
"I KNEW IT!" Al screamed pointing and smiling at having got his 'pant ownership' theory correct.
"Ashley? You mean the squeaky voiced guy?" Billie remarked with a mock smile.
"Yeah and don't make any tranny jokes, he's heard them all!" she gruffly warned.
"Well, ah no, there's no drugs so we'll take the money and fake ID's and be off now!" Billie said holding out his hand.
"What? Oh sure!" the dumb blonde gruff voiced woman agreed and gave them the goods.

As Billie and Al was about to leave Al did something foolish, "Wait a sec, if there was no drug scam then what's the conspiracy?"
"Whaa...oh there is none, except....well look!" She said grabbing a red and black lacy thong and shoving it into her mouth.
Billie and Al watched in horror and disgust, "What the fuck?"
She sighed, "It's edible underwear!" The woman explained.
"Oh right cool can I..." Al said reaching out; she slapped his hand, "Piss off!"
"Yes Ma'am!" he agreed knowing not to mess with this she/man.
"Alright Al let's go!" Billie urged.
"Wait, what's your name?" Al persisted with amusing wonder.
"Fred!" the she/man replied. She got their strange looks and added, "Short for Frederica, smart ass!"
"Oh right," Billie said, "Okay Al, let's go!"
"WAIT! What is this?" Fred the she/man announced holding up a bag of white stuff.
"Edible Talcum power!" Billie said and when she gave him a blank look, "For you...when wearing...the underwear, you know...for when you're.... Ashley is eating it from you...!"
"Oh stop, you're making me horny already!" She announced.
"Okay then let's go!" Billie said again.
"WAIT!" she yelled again.

Billie and Al stopped dead in their tracks, "Yes?"
"Thanks guys, and have fun at 'Starkers Titty Club', I have a sister who works there. Here's her number, mention me and she'll give you and your friend pleasure all night...Ashley told me about your failed efforts earlier on!" she added when they looked confused at how she knew.. Then she said, "Well it isn't a wonder shorty, why YOU didn't get in! God you should work out or grow or something" she laughed at Billie who scowled.
"Well you'll like her, she is after all the HOT one!" she added.
Billie and Al gaped in delight. Then Al cocked his head in thought, "She doesn't sound like you, does she?"
Billie hit him again then looked on in horror as Frederica started applying the 'talcum powder' to her arms!
"We really have to go!" Billie said, this time dragging Al out and into the van.
They drove to Starkers Celeb Titty Club singing a song Billie had only written a verse for.
Al joined in as they drove down the road to Starkers:

"I sit around and watch the tube but nothings on!" Billie sang happily.
"I change the channels for an hour or two, Alright!" Al added with a yell.
"Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit, I'm sick of all the same shit!"
"In a house with unlocked doors and I'm, FUCKING LAZY!" They yelled hysterically, and then started shaking their heads crazily while Billie still drove; the excitement had gotten to them.
They went into yelling the chorus which was as far as Billie had written. Al wound the windows down and hung out,

"BITE MY LIP AND CLOSE MY EYES, TAKE US AWAY TO PARADISE!"
"WE'RE SO DAMN BORED, WE'RE GOING BLIND!"
"AND...WE...SMELL...LIKE...SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

They eventually pulled into the parking lot of the club and handed the parking guy a fifty dollar bill, "That should take care of it!" Billie laughed as they waltzed up to the same bouncer as before and flashed their ID's mockingly as they walked past the dumbfounded bouncer.
As soon as Billie stepped into the club, with Al at his side, a fit waitress dressed only in a red leather bra and thong seductivley said;
"Welcome to paradise!"
And what fun they were going to have!