He Had a Plan to Kill You All Along

A siren sounded somewhere in the distance. Everything moved in slow-motion. Whoooooshh...

The sky above me flashed across my eyes—a purplish blur captured in a net of sparkling orbs. Dark smog crawled over them, hiding them from sight.

The siren was getting louder.


"Ronnie! Get us another round!" Chase called from the second floor balcony. He’d already had so many, it was a wonder he was still on his feet. His speech was surprisingly clear, too, but I guess a regular partier like him, he could hold his liquor.

I held up a hand in acknowledgment, pushing through a crowd of rowdy dancers. The music was ear-shattering, exploding from the speakers and shaking the whole building, but the intoxicated bodies either didn’t notice or weren’t bothered by it. I slid onto a bar stool, absorbing the atmosphere.

The SpaceTrash Illusory was a new night spot a few miles north of the desert causing a lot of commotion. A review in the mag we’d just done a shoot for was raving about it, so in celebration of the cover, we decided to crash the place—see if it was really worth the hype.

It was definitely different. I’d have been fine chillin’ in any old low-lit place, long as there was plenty of beer, but this shit was crazy. This is what I imagined refugees of a space shuttle crash on the moon building their new home to look like. Everything was steel—bright, shiny, unforgiving steel. Raised balconies scattered the floor, each with a narrow staircase and gangways connecting them together. The room flashed, alternating bright and pitch, like a film real moving half a second too slow, and the intensity of those lights. My God. Forget a drunkard—this was trippy to a sober man.

I silently wondered if I’d need a tetanus shot for that close rub with the railing edge.

“Hey.” Cara appeared beside me, climbing onto the next vinyl-cushioned stool. She smiled and turned her eyes to the dance floor.

God, she was gorgeous. Even in jeans and an old shirt. But tonight… Tonight she was a vision in emerald green. This sparkling wrap draped over her most feminine curves, hiding her breasts and plunging toward her belly-button in a sleek V. Black denim lined her long, long legs, and a thin chain holding a single diamond dangled way down between her naughty bits.

I ripped my eyes away when I felt the stirring in my shorts. That was all I needed—a hard on I had no hope of pleasing. At least not with the woman I wanted to.

“The famous Mr. Radke isn’t getting tired before midnight, is he?” she teased. Her wavy reddish brown curls trembled in the wake of a passing clubber. You couldn’t tell they were red under normal lighting, but the strobes were hitting them and making them shine like sunlight.

Her smile grew as I stared, and she turned her face away.

Cara was easily the most beautiful, smart, funny, poignantly honest women I knew, but she was shy. It was the one thing I never understood about her. A girl who looked like her could have anything and anyone she wanted, and she was like the most reserved, contented person I’d ever met. It was…humbling.

The word tasted funny in my mouth.

Her eyes peaked up at me, almost flirtatiously, I thought. I leaned on my arm, wide-eyed, pointedly showing my rapture.

She blushed, scrunching her little nose.


The siren. Sirens, actually—an entire chorus of them. Why were there sirens?

I tried to pull myself up, but a swift hammer to the base of my skull shoved me back. I rolled, clutching at my head. A blazing mass of steel lay to my right. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the pain surging through my head. “Cara!”

But only the snarling fire and the shrill wail of the sirens answered my call.


“Alrightttttt,” I said as I reached the top of the platform, arms loaded with Buds and and Millers. “Make way, make way.”

A cheer went up, followed by the parting of the Red Sea of People. Snatching up a Coors for myself, I half dropped, half fell onto the purple booth seat Cara had already settled into.

“Whoa, you okay?” she asked, grabbing my arm.

“Course!” I shouted a little too loud.

She turned on her side so she was cuddled up to me, her chin on my shoulder and her hand on my chest, “Maybe you’ve had enough?”

“Caraaa!” I plucked another beer from the table and handed it to her, “Join in! Have some fun!”

“Ronnieeeee!” Alicia shouted, laughing and stumbling past us. She tottered over to Caleb and fell into his lap, breaking into a fit of giggles and high-pitched hiccups. Caleb’s face illuminated. She lifted her drink to his lips, smiling while he drained the entire thing.

Cara pulled herself out of my arms and straightened. “I think everybody’s having enough fun for me, anyway.” She looked around. “Do you think maybe it’s time for everyone to lay off the drinks? Didn’t half of us drive here…?”

On the other side of the table, Joey was making a slurred and very sloppy toast. I popped the top of my beer and raised it in time for the last few words and a hearty, if not slightly over the top, cheer.


“Alicia!” I forced my eyes open, scouring the flaming car stretching and distorting before me. I couldn’t focus. Even the sirens were warping—one metallic scream so close it could be coming from inside the car.

A small moan came from somewhere behind me.

“Alicia?” I called again, forgetting the wreckage and turning back over.

A thin hand reached up about twenty feet in front of me. She moaned again, holding her head.

I crawled slowly across the grass to her. Dark curls splayed out around her head, framing a confused, disoriented face. She had cuts and scrapes, and a nasty bump on her cheek that was going to bruise, but she looked alright otherwise.

“Wha-”

“Where’s Chase?”

“Chase?” She giggled. “Chase’s funnies’ guy.”

“Chase!” I yelled, “Cara! Alicia, where’s Caleb?”

“Caleb? Caaaaaaaleeeeeeeeeeebbbb!” she sang.

“Oh God.” I turned around frantically.


“‘Ey, babeh. Yeh look a lil’ lonely. Yeh wan’ some com’ney?” The slurred words broke through Jake’s plans for summer tour.

“Shove off, Danny.” Cara pushed him away, annoyance coloring her words.

Shit. I’d gotten so wrapped up with tour plans, I’d completely forgotten about her. And now she had a bastardly drunk hanging all over her.

“Oh come on, babeh, don’ be li’ tha’.” She disappeared behind his hulking frame. “I got wha yeh need. I got wha’ yeh need righ’ here.”

“No.” He stumbled back a step, but regained himself quickly. “I said no, Danny!” His beefy, tattooed arms encircled her, bending her backwards over the rail. Her tiny arms beat his shoulders. “No!”

Heads turned now, six or seven of us standing. The table shifted forward.

“Let go of her, Danny,” Chase said.

Danny turned his head, a snarl on his face.

“She said no.”

He let go of her, eyes glazed, and staggered right into a booth seat. He tipped over and grabbed the table, nearly taking it down with him. The thud that sounded when he hit the ground was so loud it sounded for a second like he’d gone straight through the floor. Several people rushed toward him.

I looked at Danny, disgusted. Difficult sober, he was just a son of a bitch drunk. Well over six feet tall and an imposing two-hundred fifty pounds, he could have easily taken her had they not been in a crowded room.

I looked away, feeling the bile rise in my throat.

Chase and Caleb were standing on either side of Cara, offering helpful hands only to be brushed off. She wiped her mouth, eyebrows drawn down in a tight V.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

Angry eyes turned on me, and she uttered a clipped “fine” before brushing past.

“Cara,” I called after her. She was grabbing her purse and coat. Shit, she’s leaving. “Cara.”

She paused in front of me, silently glaring at the floor before turning her head up to me again. “One of these days the booze is going to do something to really hurt you… Maybe then you’ll understand that this shit is not everything. Skanky whores and, and,” her hands went up around her head as she tried to get it out, “getting drunk out of your mind…” She shook her head. “You can be so much better, Ronnie. I know you can. You know you can.”

I swallowed thickly.

“I’ve seen the man you can be without the drugs and alcohol – the man you really are.” Her eyes were suddenly glassy with tears.

Oh God, please don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Even intoxicated, I was going to feel like the biggest mother fucking piece of shit if I made her cry.

She licked her lips and swallowed. “I know how awful breaking addiction is. Trust me, I know. But it’s so worth it. The things that will fill that empty space in your life...You’ll never go back. I’ll always be here for you when you need the encouragement—when it seems hopeless.”

I tried to shut out her words. I didn’t want to hear that. I mean she said it now, but what happened when push came to shove? When I was vomiting my guts out and shaking like a ten dollar whore? I’d never known her to go back on her word. Ever. But what if it just became too much for her?

“I will always be right here, Ronnie.”

I searched her eyes, willing the fog to leave mine, and acknowledged, not for the first time, how much I really wanted to know what those lips tasted like. I wanted to know what it felt like to hold her in my arms and kiss her. I wanted to know what it felt like to come home at night and have her jump into my arms and never let go. I wanted to know what it felt like to wake up in the morning and see her sleeping next to me, her perfect body clothed in only my t-shirt and boxers. I wanted to know what it felt like…for her to love me…

She swallowed again and looked down, shifting her weight. “I’m going home…I’ll call…call you later…”

And with that, I slipped my hand under her chin, pulled her body flush against mine, and kissed those full, beautiful lips for the first time.

My senses flooded. I couldn’t control myself. My God. Her taste. Her smell. The feel of her body, finally, after all this time, molding itself into my arms. I didn’t ever want it to go away.

I tightened my arms around her, cupping her cheek with my hand and tilting her head up. Her tongue slipped out and brushed teasingly across my lips. I groaned silently. Her body shivered when I brushed my knuckles up her sides, but when she broke away, she was smiling.

Chase and Caleb exploded with cheers and pumping arms. Caleb cat-called. Chase draped an arm around my shoulders and looked back and forth between us. “Bou’ time, buddy.”

Cara’s smile faded at his slurred speech. “I have to go. I’m sorry.”

“Let me take you,” I said.

“Ronnie, you’re drunk. I’ll take a cab, it’s okay.”

“No I’m not.”

“I watched you empty bottle after bottle. You’re drunk.”

“I have a high-tolerance level.” Her face clouded over, but I only shrugged. “You know it’s true.”

“Regrettably.” And she turned on her heel and started descending the metal staircase.


Flashing lights were coming into view now, the sirens screeching so loud, it was tearing my head apart.



The smoldering car passed through my vision again and slid fleetingly away.



“Ronnie!”

My head reeled, trying to find the direction of the voice. Focus. Focus on something.

And that’s when I saw it. Behind the glass.

I turned my head dizzily to see Caleb pulling himself toward me. He was dragging his leg, a grimace on his face.



The flames were dancing rapidly, swiftly eating the metal frame. Then I saw it.

The picture tipped. It wasn’t moving sinuously like the flames.

My heart stalled.

“I got Chase, he’s out cold,” Caleb wheezed. “Alicia?”

“Calebbbb,” she chortled, “Why’s ‘ere bonfire an’ no marsh’ellos?”



It moved again, frantically: a hand slamming into the glass in the backseat of the blazing car.



My eyes widened, and the breath left my body with a whoosh.



“CARA!” I staggered to my feet, throwing myself towards the car.



Her hand crashed into the glass again, her figure silhouetted by the flames inside. She pounded against the window again and again, the metallic scream ripping from her throat. The window blew out, sending glass and metal soaring into the air. Her shrieks, no longer muffled, were inhumane.

“CARA!” I screamed. I felt my vocal cords fraying.



A thunderous rumble radiated out from the car, and it disappeared in a blinding flash of light and heat. I hit the ground in a blistering wave that cooked my lungs. I squinted through watering, slitted eyes, screaming her name over and over, searching wildly for her in the wreckage.

Fear, dread, and horror rolled over me, one after the other: There was nothing left of the car. Small pieces of metal debris littering the highway were the only evidence that something had actually been in at the center of the blaze.

My ears were deaf to the tortured howl that tore from my lips. I ran toward the inferno. She’s in there. I can’t leave her there! She’s still in there! CARA!

EMS and fire support were suddenly at my side, pulling me away. Taking me away from her. No!

I don’t know if the words were only screamed in my head or if they actually came out, but my efforts to wrench free of their grips made my intentions clear enough.

“Were you driving, sir?” a far away voice asked.



They shoved something into my mouth and pushed me down. I was in the back of the ambulance. More EMS were rushing toward the others, backboards, c-collars, and bulging bags in hand.

My eyes darted to the hole that hell had opened up, to my friends, and back again. Why weren’t they doing anything? Why weren’t they helping her?

I pulled the plastic contraption out of my mouth only to have it forcefully pushed back in: a breathalyzer.

There were police and firemen everywhere. What were they doing? Why were they just standing there?



“They all blew the top,” the distant voice surfaced again, “They’re so wasted I doubt they even know what’s happening.”

I ripped the breathalyzer out of my mouth and threw it as far as I could. “HELP HER! SHE’S BURNING ALIVE!”

A few heads lifted and turned toward the blaze, but none of them made a move toward it. It was too late. I knew it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to face it. If the explosion had reduced a car to shreds the way it had, there was no chance her soft, delicate body had survived.



I fell out of the back of the ambiance and collapsed on the ground. Black smoke was billowing into the night sky.

What have I done?