Love the One You're With

"That's not how you use to kiss me." I said and leaned up. I snaked my arms around his neck and crashed my lips to his. I could feel him losing the battle and his lips moved in my rhythm. Soon he kissed me harder and his tongue found mine. His hands explored my naked back and hair. He kissed me like he may never get a chance again biting at my lips and moaning my name. I wanted him. I wanted him to make love to me, like the other girls or like he used to make love to me. At that moment I didn't care. I wanted to make him so crazy he couldn't say no. I pulled his t-shirt over his head so quickly that we almost didn't stop kissing. His lips moved to my jaw bone and followed it to my neck. "Zach, Please make love to me." I begged.

I wish I wouldn't have said those words, because they seemed to snap Zach out of the moment. He pulled away looking at me with sad eyes. "Phoebe we can't do this. You're drunk."

I hated that he stopped, that he said no, and I just said what I was feeling. "You don't love me any more, I knew it. Why would you want me when you have all those other girls." I was acting like a spoiled child, but I didn't care. I turned away from him so I didn't have to see his eyes.

Zach crawled in and pulled me back against his bare chest. "Phoebe I love you. I always have and I always will. There is no one in this world I want more than you. You make me feel things that no one else can." He pulled my face up so our eyes met. "Ask me again when you're sober, when you won't hate me in the morning."

****

We were 18

Waiting at the airport for Zach was torture. I knew his plane had arrived; it had been announced. I was just glad his parents agreed to let me pick him up. Zach had no idea what he was in for tonight.

“Oh Phoebe, I missed you,” he said wrapping his arms around me and kissing me like he hadn’t seen me in two weeks, which he hadn't.

Being in his arms again was the only place where I felt complete. Zach had been away at the World Juniors, where he earned the MVP.

“You have no idea,” I added. “I’d like to stand here kissing you all night, but we have to go?”

“Where are we going?”

I wanted to tell him the truth, but his parents wouldn’t allow that no matter how hard I begged. “I have to stop and pick up my wallet. I left it at a restaurant earlier.” I lied. “Then we can go home.”

“That’s what I’m talking about!” he said. “ I want you to show me how much you missed me.” He pulled me back into him and placed little kisses up and down my neck.

“I want that too, but don’t you want to see your family?” I asked, already knowing what his answer would be.

“Sure, but I just want you right now.” I just wanted him too.

We finally made it to the car, and we were already running late. We drove the 10 or so miles to the restaurant. I parked the car. “Come in with me.” I said.

“Oh Pheebs can’t I just stay here and daydream about what I’m going to do to you when I get you alone?” A smile creeped to ho his lips.

I knew he was going to be so mad at me. “No, I’ve been away from you for two weeks. I just want you to be with me. Come with me. Please”

He opened the car door and got out. On the way into the restaurant he grabbed me again and kissed me, starting at my lips, then moved down my jaw to my ear and finally my neck. Oh man I missed him and this kiss blew me away, he really couldn’t wait to get me alone. “Zach stop.” I finally said softly but firmly. Our lips were swollen and pink. Anyone who knew us would know what we had been doing. The photos will capture it too, I thought as we walked through the door. Zach went first.

"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled and engulfed him in hugs. We were celebrating his success, which was a nice idea, but if anyone knew Zach, I mean really knew him, they'd know he wouldn't want this. He had other ideas of celebration.

"Hi everyone," he said but turned back toward me. I knew the look. Why couldn't it just be the two of us he asked with his eyes.

I think Zach had fun that night, the food was great, the music was good, but he almost never took his eyes off me all night. I went to the bathroom, and Zach followed me. He pulled me into the coat closet. "Thanks Pheebs," he said sarcastically. "If you wanted to have a party we could have done it in my bedroom."

I smiled at him. "I'm sorry Zach, you know this wasn't me." I put my arms around his neck pulling him to me and giving another mind blowing kiss. "We'll have a party in your bedroom later." I kissed his cheek and walked out.

"I can't wait!"

****

The morning came and so did the realization of everything that happened last night. I remembered most of it, and I just wish I could disappear. I looked up at Zach who was sleeping, but still had his arms wrapped around me. I don't know if he could feel me looking at him or if maybe it was that time of the morning, but his eyes opened. He smiled at me. "What no kiss?" he teased.

"I figured we did enough of that last night." I said making fun of myself.

"Oh no, the first one up gives the other one a kiss. That's the deal."

"Really Mr. Parise, is that the deal?"

"Umm Hmm," he said closing his eyes and pointing to his lips.

I leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on the lips, which immediately brought on the Zach Parise smile.

"Zach, I'm so sorry about last night." He didn't say anything, just pulled me in tighter. He held me like that for awhile, neither of us saying anything. Sometimes when we were like that I wondered if we actually shared the same thoughts. He was worried that I'd be guarded today and not really want to be with him. I was worried that I'd ruined everything between Zach and I because of the way I acted. So the silence that we shared was almost comforting, letting the other one know we'd get past this and things would get back to normal.

Normal? Normal is something we hadn't actually found yet. Our relationship was progressing, we were opening up to each other more and being more honest. We were more passionate with each other. The problem was we were destined to be only friends, I am getting married in the not too distant future. The changes in our relationship were making us both happier though so where do you draw the line? No intimate secrets? No kissing? No sex? I decided not to think about it anymore.

"Zach, do we need to talk about what happened last night?" I asked him, praying his answer would be no.

"Only if you need to," he replied sweetly.

"Thank you Zach."

He let out a small laugh, "For what Pheebs, you know we didn't ...right?"

I laughed too. "No, for loving me enough to stop."

"I do love you," he said, and his eyes shut tightly as his grip on me tightened.

"I love you too Zach." I didn't get to see his smile because my head was tucked under his chin, but I could feel it.

We slowly got out of bed, got dressed and headed to the kitchen. Travis was cooking breakfast for Michelle and we got in on the breakfast action. The four of us joked around and it reminded me of when we had other couple friends.

Zach finished his pancakes, but I could tell he was still hungry. Zach could always put away the food. So I did what I used to do. I shared mine with him, feeding him off my fork.

"You two are the cutest couple," Michelle said.

I looked at Zach and his eyes met mine. He offered her an explanation, but his eyes never left mine. "No we're not together, at least not anymore. Phoebe actually has a fiance in Pittsburgh. I guess you could say we are old friends."

I felt how much that explanation hurt him, as our eyes broke apart. I also noticed that Travis must not have known that, because he looked shocked and a little pissed.

"I never would have guessed, you look head over heels in love." Michelle said, and it made me blush.

Breakfast was over and Zach had a morning practice which he dragged me too. We walked into the Rock, but no one was there yet. "Zach where is everyone? I thought you had practice."

"I do, but first I thought you could help me warm up like you used to." When we were younger, I'd put my skates on, and we'd skate together before his practices. Sometimes we'd race from one end of the rink to the other which he always won. Sometimes we'd skate together holding hands. Sometimes he'd spin me around on the ice till we both fell over laughing. I can remember my personal favorite, when I'd skate forward Zach backward. Zach would hold me in his arms, and we'd skate like we were one person.

"I don't have my skates." I said, feeling like he should have noticed the obvious problem.

"Oh don't you?" he asked smuggly. He put his hands in his bag and pulled out my old ice skates. They were the same skates I had since high school. I can remember hating that they were plain white, so I pulled out markers and made hearts all over them. In the biggest one I wrote Zach Loves Phoebe.

“I can’t believe you still have these.” I always kept my skates with Zach; it’s not like I skated with anyone other than him. When we broke up, I never got them back. Not that I would have wanted them. “You saved these all this time?”

“Of course, I’d never get rid of your ‘Zach Loves Phoebe’ skates.” The fact that he kept these made me wonder if he missed me more than I realized while we were apart.

I put on my skates and just like when we were 10, Zach bent down and laced them up for me. I have thin ankles and try as I might I couldn’t pull them tight enough to make them comfortable. Zach was always patient just like now, starting at the very bottom of each skate and re-lacing them tightly one loop at a time. I just smiled down at him. He had changed since we broke up, but he was still the same person in so many ways.

“Shall we?” he asked reaching out his hand.

I placed my hand in his. “We shall.” I replied. On our way out of the locker room I said, “Hey Zach, take it easy on me it’s been three years.”

Zach looked at me in complete shock. “You mean you haven’t been skating since…”

“Since we broke up.” I finished his sentence.

“Pheebs you loved skating,” he stated waiting for my response.

“I loved skating with you,” I said looking down at my skates. The empty feeling I had grown accustomed to returned and a little of the sadness of us not being a couple came with it.

We reached the ice, and I was a little wobbly but it all came back to me pretty quickly. I never was the best skater, but I did love skating with him. It made me feel closer to Zach, like I could share, even in a small way, the connection he had with the ice.

“So what’s it gonna be Parise, and don’t say racing, cuz I’m not up for it.” He grabbed my hand, and we skated around the rink a few times.

We came to a stop near the visitors bench. “Can I spin you in circles?” he asked like he really would if I let him.

“Only if you want to see my breakfast again.” Zach squished his face up. He held out both of his hands to me, and I knew exactly what he wanted. I skated right into his arm and just like when we were kids our bodies fit perfectly together. His hands went to the small of my back and held me to him firmly. Our skates started moving together, and it was as if three years hadn’t passed at all. Our bodies were like one. As we skated like this, I realized just how in love I was with this man. At this moment my fear of being hurt and the anger of my years of loneliness were lost, all I knew was that I was so in love with him.

It must have been one of those times when our thoughts were the same because I looked up at him at the same time he looked down at me. He brought his lips to mine as our skates stopped moving. Now this was the kiss that we’d both been waiting for over three years. The connection between us was undeniable, and I could feel my heart beating in unison with his. His tongue poked my bottom lip, and my lips parted on queue. We couldn’t have been closer at that moment even if we were making love. Zach’s hands went to my face and only when we felt like we couldn’t last a single moment without air did we pull apart. Our eyes opened and connected, his asked me if I felt it, and mine responded that I did.

The moment was broken by a bunch of hockey players screaming and yelling encouragement to Zach. My face reddened, but not Zach’s. He just smiled the Zach Parise smile. He skated with me to the bench, where he told me I could watch practice. He left the ice to get his pads on, and Marty skated over to me.

“Right you’re not in love with that boy,” Marty said smiling at me.

I took a deep breath. I could still feel Zach on my lips and smell him on my clothes. “I don’t know what to say Marty.”

“Just be fair to him Phoebe. Give him a real chance.” With that Zach skated out on to the ice meeting the other players.

I couldn’t help but notice Travis skating around giving me dirty looks. I wondered what that was all about, or maybe it was just in my mind.

After practice Zach and I were invited to lunch with the team. Reluctantly Zach said yes. I got the feeling he would have rather been alone with me. We went to lunch, and I sat between Zach and Marty. I really liked Marty. I loved how he said what he was thinking, even though that usually made me feel like an idiot. Travis on the other hand was still glaring at me over the table. He made sure to announce that Zach and I weren’t together like that. It’s not that I cared that he said it, but it sounded spiteful. I could tell it bothered Zach even more than it bothered me.

“Alone at last.” Zach said as we left the restaurant. I just smiled at him. We spent the rest of the day and that night just enjoying each other. We walked hand in hand to the park and watched movies. We ordered Chinese and ate on the floor in Zach’s room . We snuggled and held each other and for the first time in years life felt really great.

****

I don't know what I was dreaming about exactly, but all of a sudden Zach was in my dream, and we were making out. My eyes opened, and Zach and I were in fact making out. "Zach!" I said surprised.

"It wasn't me Phoebe. I swear! I tried to wake you up with a little kiss, and you attacked me."

"Really." I said skeptically.

"Honest. Not that I'm complaining."

My cheeks grew red, when I realized he wasn't lying. There was no denying the sexual tension between Zach and I. As much as I loved my time with Zach, and I wished I could stay here forever, I knew my fantasy needed to come to an end. I had to go home tomorrow to my fiance. The thought of me leaving him quickly brought tears to my eyes. I pushed that thought out of my head as quickly as possible so Zach wouldn't notice the tears. I have 24 hours, and I am going to make the best of it.

At morning skate I did my best to avoid Travis. I don't know what I had done to piss him off, but he obviously didn't like me. Zach didn't say anything, but I know he noticed it too. He also did his best to keep us apart. We declined the lunch invitation with the team and set off on our own.

Zach stopped at a Deli, and they do have the best deli's there, and got us lunch. He took me to this amazing spot where we spread out a blanket, ate lunch and watched the skyline of Manhattan snuggling against each other. We exchanged little kisses and glances that said more than they should of, but before we knew it, it was time for Zach to get ready for his game.

I took my seat next to Michelle and blushed when Zach skated out for warm-ups. He blew me a kiss and I could almost feel it. We were so connected. I wondered how in the world I was going to be strong enough to leave him tomorrow.

In this game, Zach played better than I had ever seen him play. He played both ends of the ice, checking and skating like crazy. I know it was all part of stepping it up for the playoffs, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him for fear I'd miss something amazing. I know I wasn't the only one in the arena that felt that way.

Game 2 - Devils 5, Rangers 2.
I stood at the doorway to the locker room without him noticing me watching him. I saw him take off his Jersey and pads. He was dripping with sweat and his under armor clung to him like a glove. I bit my lip and continued staring until Marty interrupted my silent love fest. "Right you're not in love with him," he said again.

I still kept my eyes on Zach. Guys were coming and going, hitting him on the shoulder congratulating him on his game. "Ok Marty. I give. I'm in love with him." I whispered.

Zach turned toward the locker room door and saw me standing there watching him. His eyes sparkled, and his smile grew. For the first time I noticed this was the smile he saved for me. I was lost in his eyes for a moment until Marty spoke again. "So you love him. What are you going to do about it?" he asked.

He was right. What was I going to do about it? I just let my impulse take over. I walked across the dressing room swiftly. I stood right in front of Zach leaving almost no space between us. I didn't ask for permission I just looked into his eyes. I leaned up and kissed him, not like a woman with a fiance, but as a woman who was leaving the man she loves tomorrow. I kissed him like I just saw him play the most amazing hockey game, and now I just couldn't keep my hands off of him. I kissed him like a woman who saw him peel off his clothes and felt like if I didn't touch him, I'd burst into flames. I kissed him, and I wanted so much more.