Love the One You're With

An hour later Zach and I had fallen back to sleep after making love. There was a hard knock on my door. "Phoebe, phoebe, open up." It was Sid and he sounded serious.

I kissed Zach softly and threw his t-shirt on to open the door. "What Sidney?" I asked opening the door.

Sid saw Zach in my bed and realized what had been going on. His initial reaction was a smile, but it faded quickly. He had a phone in his hand. He covered it up and whispered, "It's Joe, and I think you better take it."

My eyes went to Zach's, and I could see the uneasiness in his eyes. I knew he had been calling. "Sid just give me one sec. I'll be right out."

Sid turned away and closed the door behind him.

I walked over to the bed. "I love you Zach Parise. I have to tell him anyway. Just let me talk to him so I can meet him later OK?"

Zach pulled me in for a quick kiss. "I trust you Pheebs."

I pulled on a pair of sweats and walked to the living room.

Sid was still holding the phone and his eyes looked heavy. His expression made me nervous. He handed me the phone.

"Joe."

"Phoebe, thank God, I've been trying to reach you!"

"What is it, what's wrong?" I asked feeling a nervous twinge in my stomach.

"It's my mom, she died last night. I need you Phoebe. I can't do this without you."
When I finished soothing Joe as best I could, I handed the phone back to Sidney. I had tears in my eyes. Jane, Joe's mom, and I had grown close since Joe and I had been together. She was helping me with the wedding plans. My heart was breaking for Joe who was really close with his mother.

"Are you Ok?" Sidney asked. Joe had already told him about his mom. Sid reached out and pulled me in to a big hug. "Phoebe are you Ok?" he asked again.

"I'm fine. Joe's a mess though. He's going to need me through this." I said with sad eyes.

I think Sidney understood what I meant, which was a relief since I didn't have the time or the energy to explain to him. I needed to talk to Zach.

I walked back into the room. Zach was still laying in bed. "How'd it go Pheebs?" he asked innocently.

I burst into tears which caught Zach off guard. "Phoebe, Oh my God. What happened?" he asked. He grabbed me and pulled me down on the bed to him.

"Joe's mother died." I got out through my sobs.

"I'm so sorry. Were you two close?" He asked rubbing my back.

"Yes. Probably closer than I was with my own mother." Zach didn't say anything else; he just let me cry. After a few moments I sat up. "Zach, I can't tell him now. I need to help him through this."

Zach put his hand on my face and wiped my tears with his thumb. He pulled my face to his and softly kissed my lips. "I get it Phoebe. I understand. You do what you need to do. I'll be here for you." He flashed me that famous smile, which made my mouth turn up at the edges slightly.

"I love you Zach Parise."
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Joe showed up at Sidney's. He was there to take me to the funeral home with him to make the arrangements. I greeted him at the door and gave him a long hug. I was hoping to get out the door without him noticing Zach, but he seemed to want to hang out for awhile, and the last thing I could do was push him to go to the funeral home where his mother's lifeless body was.

We sat in the living room and talked a little about what he had in mind for his mom's service. It was only a couple of minutes before Zach came bounding out of my room. He was wearing sweats and no shirt. His hair was wet, and he still had beads of water on his chest. It was obvious some explanation was going to be necessary.

Before Zach reached us, I could feel Joe tense up. "You didn't tell me Zach was here."

"He came late last night. I didn't know he was coming." Both statements were true.

"Hey Joe." Zach said reaching out his hand to shake Joe's. "I'm very sorry to hear about your mom."

"Thank you," Joe said rather coldly. I could tell he suspected something.

"Zach is something wrong with your shower?" I asked trying to explain why Zach was coming out of my room.

"Uh..ya, Sid was in there, so I hope you don't mind that I used yours."

"No, no problem." Thank you I mouthed to Zach.

Joe stood up and grabbed me too him, obviously staking some kind of claim in front of Zach. I was surprised that Zach's expression never changed. I know it was killing him. "Well good luck today, I know it won't be easy. Will we see you later Phoebe?" he asked confirming that I'd be home.

"Sure. I'll be back later."

Joe was obviously ready to go now as he was pulling me toward the door. "I love you" I mouthed quickly to Zach as we walked out of the house.

Our afternoon was terrible. The only thing I could imagine that would be worse than planning your fiancé’s mother's funeral is planning your own mother's funeral. I made all kinds of decisions that I didn't feel qualified to make, but Joe just didn't seem capable to decide on things like flowers and programs. I hoped my decisions were good ones. I really wanted everything to be perfect for Jane's funeral.

I spent the rest of the day with Joe. He did a lot of sleeping, but he wanted me to stay. I felt like the worst human being in the world. All I wanted to do was get home to Zach, who was going to have to leave the next day. When I told Joe I needed to leave, he begged me to stay. He said he just didn't want to be alone. He was so sad. I had never seen him like that. I told him I'd stay, but I needed to go home for a couple of hours.

I called Zach to tell him I was on the way. I could tell he was disappointed that I had been gone so long. 'Just wait until I tell him I'm not staying,' I thought. Zach was sitting on the porch waiting for me and practically pulled me out of the car when I arrived. It felt so good to be in his arms, so good that a feeling of guilt washed over me.

He lead me inside and to my room sensing my exhaustion. "I'm gonna draw you a bath," he said.

"Wait no, I can't. I don't have time. I only have a couple of hours. I told Joe I'd stay with him tonight."

Zach didn't say anything, but I could feel how hurt he was.

"I have two hours, I said looking up at him. Why don't you take a bath with me?"

That put a smile back on his face. Zach lit candles and filled the tub with water and bubbles while I wrapped my hair up in a bun. He got in first, and I crawled in sitting between his legs. We didn’t talk much and as sensual as taking a bath together can be, this was more about me just wanting to be close to him. Trying to forget the trauma that erupted this morning. Last night seemed so long ago, did we really make love again? Twice? It just seemed so hazy at the moment. Zach stroked my arm which woke me from my thoughts. “Hey Babe, we’ve been in here an hour.”

I understood that it was time to disconnect myself from him and get out of the tub. He got out first then helped me out wrapping me in a towel. I took one look at him standing there with a towel around his waist and beads of water glistening on his bare chest, and fell into his arms. “I’m a terrible person Zach.”

He pulled me away from him slightly so he could look me in the eye. “What? Why would you say that?”

“I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be with Joe. I want to stay with you. I want to have another night together before you leave. I don’t even know when I’ll see you again.” I was crying now.

“Oh Phoebe, please don’t cry. We’ll be together soon, I promise. This thing you’re doing with Joe, helping him through this, it makes you a good person, not a bad person. You’re being selfless Pheebs.”

He sat down on the bed and pulled me over between his knees. He pulled my face to his and kissed me softly for a few moments, sending butterflies through my entire body. “God I love this man,” I thought.

I got dressed and grabbed PJs. I stood at the door, and grabbed Zach to me kissing him fiercely. He was surprised, just because of the solemn mood of the night, but it didn’t take long until he kissed back with equal force. When we finally pulled apart, Zach’s face looked surprised. “Wow Pheebs, what was that for?” he asked.

“That’s your good luck kiss for Round 2. Now go beat the Capitals’ Ass.”

He flashed me his smile as I closed the door behind me.

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I laid in bed with Joe holding him while he slept. I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to make Joe better, because he was so hurt and I cared deeply about him, but that wasn’t what kept me up. I was kept up by thoughts of Zach at home sleeping in my bed alone. I just wanted to be with him, and it ate away at me. At a time when I should be focused on Joe and making him better, my mind and my heart were in bed with another man.

The days passed slowly leading up to Jane’s funeral. I convinced Joe to let me work so I had that as my escape. Even the gallery which usually filled me with life, couldn’t make me feel better. The combination of hurt for Joe, longing for Zach and guilt over the situation was taking a toll on me. I had rings under my eyes, because I wasn’t sleeping, and I really wasn’t eating either. I kept up a good front for the men in my life. Zach bought it over the phone, but Joe could tell I wasn’t doing well.

To make matters worse, the Devils were in a heated battle against the Caps in round two. The press couldn’t stop building up Alexander Ovechin. He was scoring in every game and being Alex the Great which everyone had grown accustomed to calling him. Zach on the other hand was not playing as well as he had in prior games. So the press had a field day with that. Announcing how he was losing steam and saying that the momentum Zach brought to his team was fading. God I hate the media!

On nights when Zach played I would try to hide my enthusiasm for him like it was just another hockey game that I watched. I always felt like Joe was watching me though, waiting for a hint of something more than what I had told him. On the night before the funeral, Joe was particularly upset. Almost as if he was testing me, he stood up and turned the TV off during Zach’s game. The score was tied 3 to 3 with 4 minutes left in the third. I wanted to scream at him, when he held out his hand and said, “Let’s go to bed Phoebe.” Tears came to my eyes, NO! I screamed inside my head but my body followed him to the bedroom.

When I heard Joe’s breathing become steady, and I was sure he was asleep, I wiggled free. I pulled out my phone 3 missed calls, 2 VM. I walked into the living room, to get my messages.

Message 1, Sidney: “Hey Pheebs, just checking in. I’m trying to give you space, but I sure would like you to see your face at one of my games. No pressure. We just miss you.” I hadn’t seen Sidney at all since the morning I found out about Joe’s Dad. I know he understood, but I was being a terrible friend. He was in the midst of a playoff run too, and I know he could have used some support.

Message 2, Zach: “Did you see it Pheebs, did you see it?” Zach screamed excitedly into my voice mail. I could tell they had just gotten off the ice and the guys were all screaming in the background. “All I could think of was you. I scored it for you. All my goals are for you. God I love you. I wish you were here. Call me babe!” Apparently Zach had scored the winning goal, and I missed it. I put my head in my hands and began to sob. What was I doing, I asked myself over and over again.

I hit redial on my phone. “Hey babe.” I whispered. “That was some goal.” I couldn’t let him know I didn’t see it.

“Oh Phoebe, I just wish you were here. Why are you whispering?”

“Joe’s asleep. Tomorrow’s the funeral. I don’t want him to wake up.”

“Are you going to be OK tomorrow?” he asked sweetly.

“I’ll be fine Zach. Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m going to worry about you until I get you in my arms again. Why don’t I let you get some sleep,” he suggested.

Like that’s going to happen. “Ok. I love you Zach.”

“Good night Pheebs. I love you too.”

I curled up on the chair and covered myself with a blanket. After a little while I finally fell asleep.

****

I pulled on my black dress and heals and looked at myself in the mirror. My complexion had yellowed and I had deep circles under my eyes. I did the best I could to cover it with make-up but decided that I’d wear my large sunglasses every chance I got.

The funeral was nice. I was seated next to Joe. All of the family and relatives asked about the wedding. I tried to ignore when people would say, “Well at least you have the wedding to look forward to.” It made me feel even worse, but I could see it providing a bright spot for Joe.

After the funeral we had a get together at Joe’s family home. His Aunt Helen gave me the first glass of wine, “Here honey,” she said. “It will take the edge off.” A friend of the family handed me the second glass, “It will help numb everything a bit.” I don’t know who handed me the third or fourth, but I can tell you I had even more than that. I drank enough so that my finger tips stayed numb, I couldn’t drive certainly, but I knew where I was, and I didn’t think I’d do anything crazy.

The guests started leaving around 9pm and just a few friends of the family lingered. Joe was still beside himself with grief, and I could see based on my current condition that there was no way I was making it home or even to Joe’s tonight.

I did some clean up that the caterers didn’t catch and started looking for Joe around 11:30. I hadn’t talked to Zach all day, and I really wanted to. I found Joe sitting staring into space in the corner of their grand living room. “I can’t believe she’s gone,” he whispered.

“I’m so sorry Joe.”

I took his hand and lead him upstairs. I had no idea which room to sleep in, there were so many, so I just picked one. I made the wrong choice. “NO!” he yelled to me more than at me. “That’s my mother’s room. I just can’t go in there.” We walked across the hall to a different room; Joe sat down, put his head in his hands and cried. As upset as he had been about his mom, he hadn’t let go and cried. I’d seen tears in his eyes, but not once did I see a tear fall until now. I didn’t know what to do to help him.

“Joe, what can I do? What can I do to make this better for you?”

He looked up at me, his face streaked with tears and lunged at me kissing me harder than he had ever kissed me before. I froze; I was completely shocked, this was so not what I was expecting. He kissed my jaw and my neck and reached for the zipper in the back of my dress all within a matter of seconds. I didn’t want this, I couldn’t, what about Zach. I stopped him short of dropping my dress to the ground. “Joe, wait.” I said, and he took a step back from me to look me in the eyes. “I need this Phoebe, I need to forget about all of this.” His face was so sad and I could already see the heart break in his eyes. To say no would devastate him. I was his fiancé, we had made love countless times, just not since Zach and I had.

My mind was clouded as he stood there waiting for me to say yes. I saw Zach’s face in my fuzzy, alcohol clouded mind. I couldn’t do this! Then I saw Joe’s face and couldn’t not do this. So I did nothing. I just stood there, while Joe made the decision for me. I shivered when he moved his hands to my shoulders and slid my dress to the floor. He unfastened my bra and slid my panties to the floor. In one swoop he lifted me on to the bed and crawled on top me. My eyes were closed as we had sex, but I couldn’t keep the tears from streaming underneath my eyelids. Joe knew this isn’t what I wanted. He could tell by the way I didn’t touch him as he had his way. There were no moans of pleasure or reciprocated kisses. All the same, he continued while I cried as quietly as possible, and in my alcohol clouded mind I could see Zach slipping away from me.