Love the One You're With

Two Weeks Later

Knock...Knock...Knock

"I'll get it!" I yelled to Joe. I swung open the door and an arm reached out and grabbed my elbow. I was frightened for a moment until I saw the hazel eyed boy in front of me.

"Tell him it's me, and you'll be back later," Sidney demanded.

"Sidney."

"Do it now Pheebs. I'm not kidding." Sidney was enraged.

"Hey Joe," I yelled. "It's Sid; I'm going out for a little bit."

"Bye Baby!" He yelled from the Kitchen.

I stepped out the door, but Sidney still didn't let go of my elbow.

He dragged me to his car, put me in and closed the door.

Sidney got himself in started the ignition and pulled away. We rode back to his house in silence.

"So you kidnapped me, now what do you want?" I asked nastily.

"I want to know why you moved out of my house and why you haven't returned my calls or Zach's."

"I’m getting married Sidney, you had to know I was going to move out."

Sid looked completely shocked. "I thought you were working things out with Zach."

"There's nothing to work out Sidney. I'm engaged to Joe, and I am getting married."

"Does Zach know, did you tell him?" Sidney was yelling at me know.

"You're killing him. He's calling me every hour. Phoebe what the hell is going on?"

I put my head down at on the table and started sobbing. Sidney came over and wrapped his arms around me. I turned to him and sobbed into his chest. He rubbed my hair in an effort to comfort me. "Talk to me Pheebs."

"I screwed up Sid," I said through my tears.

"What could you have done that was so bad."

"Sidney, I can't face Zach. I just need to never see him again. I need to go back to the way things were when he was just gone."

"Tell me what you did," he said sweetly, but firmly leaving me no room for debate.

"Sidney I slept with Joe."

"You were engaged to him. Of course you slept with him."

"No Sid. After. After Zach and I got back together."

Sid took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck. This is what I wanted to avoid. I just wanted to go away and not have to explain it. I didn't want him to look at me the way he was looking at me now.

"It was the night of the funeral. I drank a lot of wine. I felt so bad for him Sidney. I wanted to say no, but he's was my fiance. It would have killed him if I said no."

Sidney now looked at me with sympathy. "I understand how it would happen, but I also know how I'd feel if I were Zach."

"Sid, I can't face him. I can't tell him this, not after everything we went through. He'll never forgive me. I can't stand to see him look at me like he did the last time."

"You have to tell him Pheebs. He is so in love with you. I think if you explain it to him, he'll eventually forgive you."

"Who are you trying to kid Sidney. He won't forgive me, and I can't go back to what I was before. It's easier to just give him up now then spend my life wondering if he's coming back, if he'll ever forgive me. And before you get all righteous and tell me how I can't marry someone I don't love, I know that at least Joe loves me. He'll keep me sane and help me to forget Zach."

"Fine, Ok, but you have to tell Zach something."

"I will after the playoffs."

"So why don't you move back in here? Why do you want to rush this with Joe?"

"It's done Sid; I can't go back now."

He looked defeated. He stood up and pulled me into his arms. "I'm still your friend Phoebe. I still love you. Don't shut me out."

Tears filled my eyes again. I couldn't help but think of what I lost.

"Hey the boys still want to throw you a bachelorette party. That will be fun, won't it?"

I was surprised that Sidney was accepting my decision. I didn't figure it could hurt too bad to have a bachelorette party. "Sure Sid." I paused for a moment. "Sid, what are you going to tell Zach when he calls?"

"To not give up on you."

"Sidney."

"Look, I'll respect your wishes. I won't go over to lover boy's house grab your stuff and make you move back in, but I won't discourage Zach either. I'll let it up to him."

"That's fair. Thanks Sid."

****

I sat at my desk thinking of the game the night before. It was game 7 of round two. The look on Zach's face as time ran out, and he just wasn't able to tie it up was more than I could bare. I tried to hide my tears from Joe, but I'm pretty sure he noticed. I knew I needed to call Zach, but I still didn't know what I was going to say. I didn't know if I could handle hearing his voice. I hadn't listened to any of his messages, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking of him every second and how awful this must be for him.

I was thankful for the new exhibit that was going to be starting on Friday. It was going to fill all my time over the next few days, between rotating out the art, writing press releases and confirming the plans for the opening gala. It was the only thing keeping me going at this point.

I walked into the back room and started eyeing the new art, trying to identify it's placement in my mind when the bell on the front door rang. "I'll be right out." I yelled. I set down the painting and made sure it was stable before I headed into the gallery.

I didn't see anyone on the floor, but there are many nooks and crannies that someone could be in looking at sculptures or watercolors. I walked to the front of the gallery. "I'm upfront if you need any help," I said loudly. No one answered but I could hear someone walking behind a wall of oil paintings. I stayed at my desk for a moment. I always tried to give perspective buyers their space at first and then introduce myself and answer any questions after they’d had a few minutes to browse.

When I felt time was up I walked around the corner. The man I saw was certainly not a typical customer. His stance looked vaguely familiar as he cocked his head to view a large oils on canvas. When he saw me coming he turned to look at me from underneath his ball cap. “Well hello there Phoebe,” he said.

I was shocked to be staring into the eyes of Zach’s dad. “Mr. Parise, how nice to see you.” I stretched out my hand to shake his, but he grabbed it and pulled me into a hug.

He let me go for a moment and gave me a good looking at, in a fatherly fashion. “You’ve really grown up. Look how professional you look.”

“It’s so nice to see you, but I have to admit this is somewhat of a surprise.” My mind was all over the place trying to predict why he was here.

“Did you watch Zach’s playoff games?” I nodded yes. “I was trying to convince Zach to come home to Minnesota with me, but he said he had some business to take care of in Pittsburgh. His friend Travis told me the two of you had reconnected, and I gathered you were the reason he was coming here.”

That was a nice speech, but it still did not give me his reason for showing up. “Is there a place we can sit down and talk?” he asked.

I lead him toward the back, the area set up for price negotiations. I offered him coffee, but he declined. “So Phoebe, Travis told me about you and Zach. He told me that you have a fiancé, but my son seems to think he can win you back.” I felt like a 12 year old again. I just sat there wide eyed listening to him. “You know I’ve always cared for you. You’ve been like a daughter to me. Watching you and Zach grow up has been one of the greatest things I’ve experienced. But as much as I love you and care about you…” Ok, here it comes the reason he is here. “I would rather if you didn’t see my son anymore. I just don’t think you are what he needs right now.”

My initial instincts were to yell at him and tell him there was nothing he could do to keep us apart, but reality set in instantly. There was no use arguing, especially when I had no intention of being with Zach again. There was also no use hiding the fact that I officially wasn’t good for Zach any more. There was a time when I was the one that kept him out of trouble. He came to me instead of partying. He came to me instead of being with the countless girls that wanted him. That wasn’t my role any longer. I could do nothing but hurt him.

I was choking back tears as I finally responded. “Mr. Parise, I understand how much you love Zach, and I will respect your wishes.” He got up to leave but sat back down as I continued talking. “Before you go, I think you should know that I love Zach more than anything. I’m only agreeing to stay away from Zach because I agree with you. I’m not what Zach needs. But I do love him.” I was crying now, tears streaming down my face. Mr. Parise stood up and hugged me. “Thank you Phoebe. I have no doubt that you love him.” He turned a moment later and left the gallery.

I fell to the ground sobbing. Now I knew I was making the right decision. I just still couldn’t truly imagine how awful the rest of my life would be without Zach in it.

****

We were 16

I felt a cold breeze and burrowed deeper under my blankets. The covers pulled back a little and I felt him reach for me.

“Zach, you’re cold.” I whined.

“I need you to warm me up.” He slid his freezing cold hands underneath my pajama top.

I let out a squeal and sat straight up. “Do you want my mom to know you’re here?”

“I can’t stay away from you,” he said with a frown. “I can’t believe she grounded you from seeing me.”

“Well you did give me a hickey. What did you think she was going to do, make us get married?”

“Ooo, now that would be fun punishment,” he said kissing my neck.

“Zach stop,” I whispered, “That’s what got us into this in the first place.”

“Just tell her the dog bit you.” I laughed, and he kissed me. “I can’t believe your mom thought she could keep me away from you.”

I rolled over and kissed him again, “I knew she couldn’t. Why do you think I didn’t fight being grounded. I know you’d get to me no matter what.”

“Nothing can keep me away from you.” He leaned over and set the alarm.

That was one thing I trusted about Zach. Nothing could keep him away from me. I fell back to sleep in Zach’s arms with that thought in my mind.

****

I called Sidney, who came to pick me up. I was in no condition to drive. I explained what had happened with Zach’s dad. I was thankful that Sid wasn’t mad at me any longer. I really needed him. His response to the situation: “Phoebe, I just don’t agree with him or you. You are exactly what Zach needs.”

His response made me smile for a second. “Sid I can’t go back to Joe’s like this. Can I stay with you tonight?”

“Of course Pheebs. I always have room for you at my house. I should warn you though, the guys are coming over. Is that OK?” I shook my head. I didn’t have any choice really; I couldn’t go to Joe’s.

I sent Joe a text that I was going to hang out with Sid tonight and would be home in the morning. Sidney gave me some clothes to wear. I went into what used to be my room and drew a bath. I contemplated slipping under the water and not coming up, but I was not brave enough for a move like that. I was just a scared little girl, and at that moment I didn’t have an ounce of strength in my body. I thought about the last time Zach and I were together, we took a bath together right here in this tub. I could almost feel him holding me which was making me cry again, so I drained the tub and got out of the bath. I pulled on the t-shirt and sweats Sidney gave me and pulled my hair into a lose bun. I caught my reflection in the mirror. My complexion once creamy with a hint of pink was now sallow and yellowish. I’d lost a bit of weight too, and I knew the waif look was not for me. The thought of spending the night hanging out with Sid’s friends was not on my list of fun things at the moment, but I hoped there would be alcohol and I left my old room to find out.

I could hear voices and knew that at least Jordan and Kris had arrived. “Hey Phoebe, you Ok? You don’t look good.” Jordan said innocently.

“I’m fine. I just haven’t been myself lately.”

“We’ve missed you at the games. I thought you’d be there cheering us on, or have you been cheering for another team, NJ maybe?” Kris was trying to be cute, but he just solidified my idea of getting drunk and going to bed.

“No, I’ve been busy with wedding plans,” I said matter-of-factly.

“Oh so you don’t have time for us anymore?”

“Sure I do Kris, I have time to get drunk with you. Is there any booze in this house?” I asked, knowing exactly where to look. I opened the cupboard door and pulled out the vodka. “Who’s drinking with me?” Jordan and Kris both said yes, so I got out 3 shot glasses. “Where’s Sid?”

“He had to run out someplace. He asked us to keep an eye on you.”

I poured a round of shots for each of us. We clinked glasses and drank the harsh liquid in one swallow. “Wow Phoebe, I’ve never seen you drink like this.” Jordan said.

“I’ve had a rough day.”

Max and Marc arrived soon after and then Geno. We were all just sitting around talking and drinking, but no one was on a mission to get drunk like I was. The more I drank the more I loosened up and forgot the problems at hand.

After about 5 shots Sidney finally came home. “Can we talk for a minute?” He grabbed my hand and pulled me upstairs to what used to be my bedroom. As the door shut behind us, I thought I heard the front door open and close; other Penguins I figured.

“Pheebs, please don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you Sid.” I giggled.

“You’re drunk?”

“Just a little,” I giggled more.

“I told Jordan and Kris to take care of you.”

“It’s Ok Sid. They’re drunk too.” I thought that was very funny, and I rolled on the bed laughing.

“Phoebe, Zach is down stairs.”

“No he’s not, I was just down there,” my drunken mind taking over.

“I just picked him up from the airport. He’s down stairs.”

“No Sidney, you wouldn’t do that to me. You wouldn’t bring Zach here. Not tonight.” I was still giggling.

There was a knock on the door, and all of a sudden it hit me. The person on the other side of that door was Zach. “I hate you Sidney Crosby!”

“I know Pheebs. I’m sorry. I knew he was coming, but I didn’t know it would be tonight and I didn’t know I’d come back and find you like this.”

There was another knock. All I could think of was the vodka bottle and getting back to it.

Sidney stood up and opened the door. There he was that beautiful boy leaning against the door frame. His eyes came up and met mine and even in the drunken state I could see how hurt he was.

Zach stepped in as Sid stepped out. He leaned back against the door and just stared at me. “Are you Ok?” he asked softly.

“I’m drunk Zach.”

He walked over and sat down next to me on the bed. “Tell me why you won’t return my calls.” I looked at the floor. “Tell me Phoebe.” There wasn’t a hint of anger in his voice.

“I’m not in any condition to talk to you about this now.”

He put his arm around me and pulled me into him. My head went under his chin, and he just held me. “I was so worried about you. When you didn’t call me, I thought something terrible must have happened.”

Something terrible did happen. I just didn’t have the strength to tell him about it now. All the giggles were gone, and now I felt sad. There is nothing like the sadness you feel when you are drunk. I had no strength to hold back the tears. I held on to Zach for dear life, sobbing into his chest. “Zach, hold me tonight, please. I’ll tell you in the morning.”

Zach stood up and took off his clothes, standing in front of me in only his boxers. He slid the sweatpants off of my legs, and we crawled into bed. Despite being drunk, I still had the state of mind to thank God for giving me this one more night with Zach.

“I love you Phoebe.” Zach whispered.

“I love you too Zach.”

I felt him smile, but knew there wouldn’t be a smile on his face in the morning. No amount of love would make this better.