Love the One You're With

We were sixteen
If I have to scoop another scoop of ice cream, I'm going to lose it. I looked at my watch 9:45. I couldn't wait until the ice cream parlor I worked at closed at 10. I finished my shift, and did my side-work which included covering every one of our 30 flavors with plastic wrap and headed out the door. I couldn't wait to see Zach, we were meeting at a party at one of his hockey friend's houses.

I walked in the dark across the parking lot to my car. A smile sprang to my face, but I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking at. As I got closer I realized my entire car was filled with balloons. I stood there and giggled, knowing full well this was a gift from Zach. There was a note on my windshield. It read: Let's make some noise.

Out of nowhere Zach came up from behind me, grabbed me and swung me around. I screamed until he put me back down on the ground. I turned and kissed him really hard.

"Thanks Zach." I said smiling up at him.

"You ready to make some noise?" he asked.

I wasn't sure what he meant, but it all soon became very clear. He opened my car door letting the balloons spill out, hopped in and pulled me in on top of him. We heard lots of balloons popping that's for sure.

---------------------
"Do you want to go get something to eat? I know how hungry you usually are after games."

"You remember a lot about me Pheebs."

"I've practically known you since you were born, of course I remember."

"How about we go back to Sids. Will you make me omelets like you used to?"

"Sure, I can do that." Visions of me as a teenager making omelets for Zach popped into my head.

We said good bye to his teammates and headed back to Sid's.

I pulled out the omelet pan and cracked the eggs into it while Zach changed. He walked into the kitchen with that big smile.

"What are you smiling about?" I asked. "You had a pretty rough night."

"Nothing. I guess I just always thought this is what we would be doing after my games in the NHL. We'd come home together and you'd make me an omelet."

"Well enjoy it now, cause you have to leave in the morning."

Zach's smile turned down. I felt bad for being so honest, but I needed to be realistic. I put Zach's mushroom and cheese omelet on a plate and sat with him while he ate.

I sat across from Zach who was so appreciative that I'd cooked for him. "Thanks for cooking for me Phoebe. This is really great."

"So you don't have anyone cooking for you?"

"Well I live with Travis, and he cooks sometimes, but mostly we get take-out." Zach looked down at his plate. "I guess soon you'll only be cooking for your fiance." Zach's voice was filled with hurt. "I can't believe your getting married."

"Zach, what did you think was going to happen? You broke up with me three years ago, did you think I wouldn't find anyone?"

"I don't know what I thought, I guess I just tried not to think about it."

"Well that's great Zach. While you spent three years not thinking about me, I spent those years praying you'd call me. Hoping you thought about me. Wondering if you'd ever forgive me." As I talked my voice got louder. "Don't make me feel bad that I'm engaged. Joe is the only thing that kept me from going off the deep end."

I got up and walked out of the room. I should have known talking to Zach would be mistake. I closed the door as I walked into my room and fell down on my bed. I was crying again, something I couldn't seem to stop these days.

In a matter of seconds Zach was knocking on my door. "Go away." I said through my tears.

He opened the door and peaked his head in. "We need to talk."

"I don't have anything to say." I said trying to hide the fact that I was crying.

"Then you can listen." He came in and sat down on my bed. "Phoebe. You have no idea how much I regret not calling you. I was just so hurt; I couldn't take the thought of you being with anyone else. Now look what I've done your getting married to someone else. I wish I would have come after you at graduation, but I saw you with that guy and it crushed me all over again. I just focused on hockey. Every time I'd want to call you or felt like I needed you back in my life, I'd get out on the ice. You're right ya know, all I felt was my pain, I never stopped to ask how much pain you were in. I am so sorry." His hand reached for mine, and I let him take it. He was silent for a minute then he scooped me into his arms and held me.

"I'm sorry that I keep crying. I guess this is just the effect you have on me." I tried to explain.

"It's OK Pheebs. Why don't you tell me about this fiance of yours?"

I looked up at him wondering if he sincerely wanted to know. He seemed to, so I began..."His name is Joe, I met him at the gallery. His sister is an artist and she had her work in there for awhile. He's an attorney for a firm downtown."

"How long have you know him?"

This is the part Sidney has a problem with, "Six Months."

"Wow Phoebe, only six months, is that really enough time to get to know someone?"

"I've known you my whole life, I'd say I knew you as well as I knew myself, and I never would have said that you would avoid me for three years."

"Touche. But what do you know about this guy? Does he want kids? Does he like hockey? He could be a serial killer."

"Funny Zach. He'll watch hockey if I make him, and he does want kids, but I'm not sure if I do anymore."

"What you're awesome with kids, you've always wanted tons of kids, why wouldn't you want kids now?"

"I just don't know." Sure I wanted ton's of kids but they were going to be mine and Zach's kids.

Zach put his hand under my chin and tilted my head until our eyes met. "Do you love him Phoebe?"

"You should see the way he loves me Zach; he'd do anything for me."

"Oh I'm not surprised that he loves you Pheebs, I want to know if you love him. It's a simple question; are you in love with him?"

"It's as close to love as I'm going to get. He makes me happy." Why can't I just lie to Zach. Why didn't I just tell him that I love Joe so he would just drop it.

"You can't marry him if you don't love him."

"I do love him in my own way. I trust him, I can count on him, He takes care of me. I want to marry him Zach."

"What happened to you Phoebe? You've changed so much."

I paused for a moment. "You, you happened to me. You just don't get it do you? I don't want to be in love again, I don't want to give too much of myself again. I can't get hurt like that again. I just can't. I won't!"

Zach's grip on me tightened. I sobbed into his chest.

"I"m so sorry Phoebe. I wish I could take back all the hurt I caused you. I love you."

That I couldn't take. I couldn't take him telling me he loved me, and I kind of freaked out. I pushed him away. "Don't you dare, don't you dare tell me you love me. You don't treat people you love the way you treated me. I gave up everything for you my whole life. I went to your high school; I gave up my senior prom for your away game; I transfered from university to university so we could be together." He grabbed me into his arms again, but I just kept talking though my sobs. "I just want to hate you Zach Parise. I want to hate you."

"I'm glad you don't hate me Pheebs."

"I was doing so good Zach. I was almost back to normal then Sid sets all this up, and I'm back to where I started three years ago. I'm a mess."

"Can't you see the difference? I'm here Phoebe. I'm here now."

"Right, until tomorrow morning." I replied skeptically.

Zach brought my eyes to meet his. "I'm not letting you go again. Maybe you want to marry this Joe guy, hell maybe you even will, but I am not going to make the same mistake twice. I am going to be in your life. Even if it is just to be friends."

Something about Zach's words seemed so wonderful. He wasn't going to leave me again, but there was a big downside. I didn't know how I would have the strength to marry someone that I don't love with the man I love back in my life.

****

Sid opened the door to my room and saw Zach and I sleeping. Zach was holding me in the same position we finally fell asleep in last night. He walked over to the bed and shook Zach's arm, being careful not to wake me up.

"Zach, you've gotta catch a plane man," Sid said.

Zach slid out of bed without waking me, and they went into the hallway.

"I'm such an idiot Sid, why didn't I call her? How could I have let her go?" Zach asked.

"I knew bringing you here was the right thing. Now the question is what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know. She seems pretty determined to marry this guy. Maybe he is better for her than me."

"I think the bottom line is that she doesn't love him Zach. She is never going to feel about anyone like she does about you. You need to earn that trust back. And you've got exactly five months to do it."

"What do you mean five months?" Zach asked.

"She told me they set a date, July 4th weekend. They booked a place and everything."

"I can't let her do it Sid. I just can't. Are you willing to help me?"

"You know it brother!" Sid responded.

****

We drove up to toward the private boarding area of the plane. The other players were already boarding.

"Thanks for dropping me off Phoebe." Zach said.

"Sure Zach; it's not a problem." I looked away from him afraid I was going to cry again. Deep down I just wanted to grab on to him and never let him go.

"This is only good bye for a short time Pheebs. I swear. I'll be back, and I'll call you too."

My personal struggles took over inside me. Part of me wanted to cry and beg him to take me with him. The other part wanted him to get on the plane so I'd never have to see him again. What he was giving me was something in the middle which made both sides of me struggle.

Zach leaned over and moved my eyes to meet his. "Phoebe, I'm not letting you go again." I closed my eyes because I just couldn't bare to look into his, and Zach brushed his lips softly against mine. "I'll miss you Pheebs. The last thing I want to do right now is get on that plane. You'll see me again soon. I promise!" My eyes were still closed when he slipped out of the car, grabbed his bag and walked up the steps to the plane. As I opened my eyes, he waved and stepped into the door.

I felt my heart breaking again, as I drove myself home. I entered Sidney's house, walked past him and his friends without saying a word and went to my room. I just wanted to die. I was back where I started alone, and heartbroken.

There was a knock on my door. I didn't move or say anything. My door opened and closed. I felt Sidney crawl into bed with me and wrap his arms around me. "It's going to be OK Phoebe."