Love the One You're With

We were Fifteen.

“He’ll call you when he gets home.” Mom said.

Zach had been away for a week with at a hockey tournament. I couldn’t wait to see him, and I stood at the window looking out. “I know, but I just want to run out and meet him.”

After a few more minutes, a car came down our street and turned into Zach’s driveway. “He’s home! He’s home!” I yelled jumping around. I ran toward the door, and almost through it when my mom grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

“No you don’t young lady." No, please don't stop me, I thought. "Get your coat," she smiled. I smiled wide back at her, relieved that she wasn’t stopping me from going completely.

I grabbed my coat and threw it on as I ran through the yard. Zach was at the trunk pulling out his bags. He looked over and saw me running toward him. He opened his arms and scooped me right up. Our lips immediately met, and we started a kiss that was totally not appropriate in front of his parents.

“Ehhem.” Zach’s dad said.

“Dad,” Zach said.

“Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Parise.” I added.

“I’ll get your bags son, you and Phoebe can go inside.” Zach’s Dad offered.

Zach grabbed my hand, and we ran into his room. “Oh Phoebe. I missed you so much!” he said hugging me.

“Zach, what are we going to do when you are in the NHL, and you are traveling all the time?” I asked.

“It’ll make coming home so much more exciting.” He gave me his smile that I had missed for the last week. “Now where were we before my dad so rudely interrupted?” he asked.

“I think we were right here.” I pressed my lips to his and our kiss grew more and more inappropriate for his parents to see. Glad they weren’t looking.

****

I smiled before I opened my eyes because I could feel him laying next to me. I opened my eyes and the smile on my face faded quickly. It wasn't the boy I had been dreaming of. Instead it was my fiancé. The disappointment filled my soul as I rolled over away from Joe. Why was I still expecting to see Zach every morning when I woke up? He had been gone for a week now. My life was just a mess. Well my love life to be more specific. What was I doing to myself? It was so hard not having Zach in my life, but now it seemed almost worse. I had this internal battle going on inside me.

My mind reminded me of how good Joe is for me. How he'll protect me and take care of me. He'll love me no matter what, and he won't leave.

My heart on the other hand, reminded me that I had a soul mate, one that I loved more than anything in this world, and he was within my grasp.

Was he though? It's not as though he's told me he wants me back. It's not as though he's offering me anything. He just doesn't want me to marry Joe, which is really the only rational thing for me to do. I need to think about my future and my long term happiness, not just the butterflies that Zach gives me. In the middle of my thoughts my phone buzzed.

"Good morning beautiful." I heard Zach say.

The smile returned to my face. "Hey, what are you doing up so early?" I asked secretly thrilled to hear his voice.

"Did you watch the game last night? We clinched our playoff spot."

"Hang on a sec." I wrapped the sheet around me and walked in to the bathroom where I was hoping for a little privacy. I needed a place to talk so where Joe wouldn't hear me. Was I really sneaking around to talk to Zach? "Yeah I saw the game, you were amazing."

"We get home ice for the first two games." Zach sounded so excited, like he was a little kid again. "Now we need to book your tickets to come to NJ."

"Zach, I don't know if this is a good idea."

"Phoebe, you promised. I know what it is; you don't trust yourself with me," he teased.

He hit the nail on the head actually, but I couldn't tell him that. I was so afraid of spending real alone time with him. "I think I can handle it." I lied.

"Then I'll call and book your tickets."

The bathroom door swung open. "Hey babe, who you talking too?" Joe asked kissing my neck.

"I've gotta go." I said to Zach.

"Come on baby come back to bed." Joe said. His hands were around my waist and under my shirt sitting on my stomach.

"Is that your fiancé?" Zach asked sounding pissed off.

Why was I feeling guilty; this is where I should be, with my fiancé. I put my hand over the phone. "Joe, give me a minute."

"I wouldn't want to keep you from your fiance." Zach said bitterly.

Joe gave my neck one last kiss, and headed back to bed.

"Come on Zach." I said, pleading.

"No I didn't mean to interrupt your romantic morning. Go crawl back into bed with the man of your dreams."

"Zach."

"What Phoebe? That's where you belong right? Sorry that I tore you away from him. I've got to go."

"What about the trip to NJ?" I asked, but the line was dead. Zach had hung up.

I sat down and put my hands head in my hands. "What am I doing?" I whispered to myself.

****

Zach's POV

“What’s up with you this morning, you’re all out of sorts.” Marty asked.

“Nothing I’m fine.” Zach responded like a spoiled child.

“That little girl of yours got you wrapped around the axel again.” Marty kept prodding.

“You know Marty, that’s the thing she’s not mine.” He threw his helmet on the floor of the locker room. The other guys just stopped and stared.

“What?” The usually easy going Zach yelled and everyone went back to their business.

“Damn it Marty,” Zach said quietly. “I can’t take her being with him. I thought we were making some progress, I thought she was trusting me. She even kissed me the last time I was there.”

“So what happened?”

“I called her this morning and her fucking fiancé was there. I can’t stand the thought of someone else touching her. I just can’t take it.” Zach threw his pads on the floor next to his helmet.

“Well he is her fiancé, what were you expecting?” Zach just gave him a nasty look. “Look kid, why don’t you let it go for a couple days. Don’t call her, play a little hard to get and see what happens. Give it till say Friday; if she doesn’t call you, then you call her and patch things up. I’m willing to bet she can’t wait that long.”

That was the plan Zach decided to run with. It killed him not to talk to her, but he kept reminding himself why he was doing it. At least he’d have some idea of how much he meant to her.

****

Zach had called me every day, until that morning. Now it had been three days since I’d heard from him, and I was worried. Maybe he wouldn't call me, maybe he was done trying. I kept telling myself I didn’t do anything wrong. I mean Joe is my fiancé and of course I’d spend the night with him. Zach had no right to get so upset. But he was upset, and I did feel like I did something wrong.

Maybe it was just better if he didn’t call me. My mind told me that over and over, but my heart wouldn’t listen. I was needing him more and more, even if we were just friends.

I decided to call someone who might be able to help me in this situation.

“Hello.”

“Hi Marty. This is Phoebe, Zach’s friend. You gave me your number the last time you were in Pittsburgh.”

“Of course I remember you Phoebe.”

Phew that was a relief. “I’m really sorry to bother you.”

“You’re not bothering me. Now what’s on your mind.”

“It’s just I haven’t heard from Zach in awhile, and I was wondering if everything was, you know, Ok with him.”

I had no way to know that Marty was smiling from ear to ear. “Really you haven’t heard from him. How long has it been?” he asked.

“Well…only three days.” Ok now I felt stupid. “But he usually calls me every day, and I just wanted to make sure everything was alright.

“Did you call him?”

I laughed. “You know Marty. I know that’s a perfectly logical question, but it never crossed my mind. I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot; you’re just in love.” He said

“Oh no. It’s not like that. Zach and I we’re just friends.”

“Right, I know, but you’re in love with him.”

I was in love with him, but I wouldn’t say that out loud. “I’m engaged Marty.” I replied with a definite tone in my voice.

“Right, I know that too, but you’re still in love with Zach.”

“Marty.”

“Here’s what I suggest: Call him. You know that just might make his day hearing from you.”

“You think so?”

“I do.”

I hung up the phone. Why hadn’t I called Zach? Over the last couple months we had gotten closer. He always called me, he always came to visit me. I wouldn’t have treated my other friends that way. I looked at my phone, took a deep breath and started dialing the number.

“Hello.”

“So when am I coming to New Jersey?” I asked, hoping he wouldn't hang up on me.

“Phoebe?” Zach asked enthusiastically.

“I just need to know the dates, so I can let them know at the gallery.”

“You’re coming: you’re really going to come?” He sounded so enthusiastic. I could almost see the smile on his face.

“Yep, I’m coming. I just hope you don’t play Pittsburgh.”

“Why you’d hate to break Crosby’s heart?”

“No, yours.” I shot back giggling.

“Oh, you’re killing me Pheebs. You mean you’d root for the Pens over the Devils? You’re just killing me.”

“Sorry, It’s just Sid didn’t take a three year hiatus from being my friend.”

“Touché…but maybe I can convince you to become a Devils fan.”

“You can try, but I’m not making any promises.”

“Trying might be fun,” he teased.

“Listen, you know I’m coming as your friend right, nothing more?”

“MmHmm.”

“Zach.”

“No, I know Pheebs. I just can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too, so what are the dates.”

“I’ll get you the tickets. I’ll email them over to you this afternoon.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to Phoebe. Just let me do this.”

“Ok…Hey Zach.”

“Yeah.”

“I missed talking to you the last couple days.” I confessed.

“About that, I’m sorry. I had no right to be mad at you," he said sweetly.

“Sometimes it’s hard to forget we don’t belong to each other anymore. Huh?”

“Yeah.” Zach replied softly.

“Ok, well I’ll see you in a couple weeks then.”

“I can’t wait!”

I hung up the phone. I can’t wait either, I thought.

****

I sat on the plane looking out the window. It wasn’t going to be a long trip, but I needed every minute of it to compose myself. Everything I was feeling was wrong. I ached to see Zach again, and I needed to be strong so I didn’t do anything I might regret. The wheels touched down, and I was filled with anticipation.

I pulled my roller bag down the hallway and as I turned the corner my eyes met his. Our smiles grew simultaneously. I finally reached him and he wrapped me into him. At that moment there was no place on earth I would rather be. “Welcome to New Jersey,” he said looking down at me.

“Don’t you mean welcome back? I used to liver her remember?”

“I thought maybe we could start over. You know forget all the bad stuff from before.”

Zach was referring to my indiscretion in high school, how he found out about me sleeping with someone else while we were broken up. The last time we were together in NJ we had broken up. “Have you forgotten Zach? Have you forgiven me for that?”

“Yes and if I had just forgiven you sooner, we wouldn’t be in this place right now. Would we?”

I smiled up at him. “Maybe not, but at least we’re here together now right?”

He bent down and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “I plan to make the best of it.” Zach said softly.

It was pretty late, and Zach’s first playoff game was tomorrow against the Rangers. We just headed to his place to hang out and go to bed early.

Zach’s house was nice. He lived with Travis so it was pretty much a bachelor pad. The rooms were large, but there wasn’t a lot in them. The living room had a gigantic TV, and I could see all the video games. There were two big recliner chairs and two couches. I could just see all the guys hanging out here playing video games. There was no decorating really, just the furniture. No photos or artwork

Zach took my hand and lead me to the kitchen where Travis was sitting eating cereal.

“Travis, you remember Phoebe?”

“Sure, we met in Pittsburgh. Good to see you again Phoebe,” he said politely.

“You two Travis. I hope having me here isn’t too much trouble.”

“Are you kidding me. I’m so glad you’re finally here. You're all this boy talks about.”

“Really?” I said looking at Zach. Zach’s faced was turning pink.

Travis was really cool, and we sat around watching a movie and eating pizza that we ordered. After the movie I grabbed Zach’s hand and pulled him toward the bedroom.

“Looks like you’re going to get lucky tonight Parise.” Travis teased.

“I don’t think so, he’s got a game tomorrow.” I replied

“So I’ll get lucky tomorrow night?” Zach asked raising his eyebrows.

“Never mind,” I said closing the door to his room.

Zach changed first while I looked around his room. On his dresser was our homecoming photo, the same one I keep in my room. I wondered if that was something that he kept out all the time, or if it was there for my benefit. If he did keep it out, did the other girls he had here wonder who the girl in the photo was? Did any of them ever have the courage to ask him about the girl in the photo? And if they did, what did he say? She’s a girl I knew from Minnesota. She’s someone I used to go out with. She’s the love of my life, and when I’m not with her I feel like I’m dying. Yeah right, my last thought made me giggle. Like he’d tell some girl he’s about to sleep with that. The thought of Zach sleeping with someone else was the thought I was left with as Zach walked into the room.

“What, what’s wrong?” he asked. He looked frightened like he thought I might run out of the room.

“You wanna know the truth?”

“Of course, besides if you lie, I'll know it,” he said.

“I wondered how many women you’ve slept with here.” I turned my face away from him, not really wanting to know.

He turned me to face him. “That’s how I felt when I knew lover boy was in bed with you the other day.” He was right. That’s exactly how he must have felt. His hand went to the side of my face. "The difference is, the girls I had here were for one night, lover boy has you forever."

The sound of those words made me incredibly sad, and for the first time I realized what he was going through. I landed in his arms where he held me for a moment. I kissed his cheek softly and headed to the bathroom to change. Laying in his arms that night all I could think of was what I was doing to him by marrying someone else.

****

Zach has always taken my breath away on the ice, but seeing him take the ice in front of 20,000 people who all loved him was indescribable. Zach got me a seat next to Travis's girlfriend, Michelle. It was nice to have someone to sit with and Michelle seemed nice enough. Zach skated by and waved at me. The game was amazing; it was so weird to think this was the first time I was watching one of Zach's NHL games live. It was weird, but somehow I felt like I belonged right here. After the first period the score was 0-0, and I went to the concession stand for a bottle of water.

Some blond girl tapped me on the shoulder. "So your Zach's latest conquest." she said.

I wasn't sure what to say, but a managed to get out an "Ahh."

"Let me give you a piece of advice don't sleep with him. The second you do, he's out of there."

"Really? How exactly do you know this?" I asked trying not to sound bitchy.

"I flirted with him for a couple weeks, we went out once, slept together, and that was it. He didn't want anything to do with me after that. Oh, and it wasn't just me either. He does that with all the girls, once they sleep with him, he drops them."

"So Zach's slept with a lot of your friends?" I asked, checking out her high heals, tight jeans and even tighter Devils t-shirt that exposed her belly button and its piercing. She was one of those girls that Zach used to make fun of when he was in the AHL.

"Well ya, come on he's Zach Parise. Oh gosh, you didn't know did you? You didn't know what a player he is?"

My mouth dropped open. How in the world did I get in this position. "Oh sure I knew. I'm actually his cousin. He's always been like that." I lied. "I'm Phoebe. You are?"

"Jenny." She shook my hand, and I wondered if I could get any diseases from her hand. "Hey tell Zach, if he wants to, you know, get together again, to call me. I put my number in his phone."

"Oh Jenny, I'll be sure to let him know." So this is who Zach's become.

The final score was 3-2 New Jersey. I went to the locker room afterward and stood with Michelle waiting for the guys to get decent. Jenny was there too. Zach came out, picked me up and spun me around. My new friend Jenny looked at me suspiciously. He took me into the dressing room, while he gathered up his stuff.

"You coming to the party?" Marty asked.

I turned and looked at Zach for an answer. "No, I think we're going to head home," he replied.

"Zach, we should go. You guys won, we should celebrate," I added.

"OK, I guess we'll go," were the words that came out of his mouth, but I knew him well enough to know that wasn't what he was thinking. He didn't want to go.

We walked into the party. It didn't look any different than the parties Sidney had taken me to. Lots of booze, Lots of girls and loud music. A room where people were playing video games, another with drinking games. The only difference, at this party I wasn't sure where I fit in.

At first I tried to stay with Zach, but it seemed every time I turned around he was being pulled in another direction. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my new friend Jenny. When she saw me she left the bar walked toward me with two shots in her hand. She gave one to me, we clinked glasses and drank.

I don't know how long it was till Zach found me again, but I know I had done a few more shots with Jenny. She asked me over and over again about putting in a good word for her with Zach. We clinked what I think was our fourth glass together and drank the contents, when Zach came up behind me. "You ready to go?" Zach whispered in my ear.

I turned toward him. "Zach, do you remember Jenny? She'd really like to, you know, get with you tonight." Zach immediately recognized that I was drunk. It didn't take much for me to get drunk, I rarely ever drank. "So what do you say Zach?"

"I say it's time to go." He lifted me off the bar stool without so much as looking at Jenny and walked me to the car. "Come on Zach. You don't want Jenny to come home with us? I can stay on the couch." I said as Zach drove home.

"Phoebe, how much did you drink?" He asked.

"I don't know." I replied. "I love you, you know," I slurred.

Zach put his hand on top of mine and smiled at me. When we arrived at his house, he helped me into the house and into his room. He stood there looking at me with his hand on his hips. I walked over to him and stood really close. I reached for his tie and undid the knot and slid if off of his neck. I looked up at him, biting my lip. Zach grabbed his sweats and went into the bathroom, trying to ignore what the look on my face begged for.

I felt overwhelmingly hot, and did the only thing a drunk girl could do when she was hot. I started taking off my clothes. I pulled the jersey over my head and kicked off my jeans. Zach walked back in the room. "Whoa, Pheebs what are you doing?" he asked as I pulled my tank top over my head.

Zach was clearly flustered and his cheeks pinked up seeing me standing there in my panties and bra. Even drunk I recognized the look in his eyes. "What Zach, it's not like you've never seen me naked before," I giggled. I walked toward him and put my arms around him. "Do you see something you like?" I whispered.

"Phoebe, I think it's time to get some sleep." He walked me to the bed, pulled back the covers and tucked me in. I threw my hands over my head and laid there for a moment. Zach turned off the overhead light, leaving just the glow of the nightlight in his room.

"Zach?"

He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. "Yeah Pheebs."

"I want you to kiss me like you kiss those other girls."

I could see the struggle in his eyes. He wanted to kiss me, and he knew if he did, I'd give my self to him at least for the night.

"I can't Phoebe, you aren't one of those girls."

"Then kiss me the way you'd kiss me." I said looking into his eyes and biting my lip again.

He leaned down and softly put his lips to mine. He pulled away quickly as to not lose control.

"That's not how you use to kiss me." I said and leaned up. I snaked my arms around his neck and thrust my lips to his. I could feel him losing the battle and his lips moved in my rhythm. Soon he kissed me harder and his tongue found mine. His hands explored my naked back and hair. He kissed me like he may never get a chance again biting at my lips and moaning my name. I wanted him. I wanted him to make love to me, like the other girls or like he used to make love to me. At that moment I didn't care. I wanted to make him so crazy he couldn't say no. I pulled his t-shirt over his head so quickly that we almost didn't stop kissing. His lips moved to my jaw bone and followed it to my neck. "Zach, Please make love to me." I begged.