Warmness On The Soul

10.40pm - Denial-

Isn't it ironic? We sing about this every concert. The words that Gerard would blast through the microphone. Screaming to all the suffering people while giving them hope! Like all of us we say that we are a band that like to save others lives. We do that of course, but when it's our own lives, we can't save, as hard as we possibly try!

"It looks like he won't be alive much longer. And hour or two at the most. I'm sorry..." The nurse said, giving us time to comprehend the fact he was going to die.

For the first time tonight tears welled up in my eyes. For the first time tonight, i finally let them go. I hadn't been prepared for this. The therapy he want through, i hoped for the best. I created an illusion in my mind that he was going to survive, that we could be together forever, but he's laying their, soft fragile. We through the cancer wouldn't win, he was going to be alive and strong as ever.

I guess it looks like i was being optimistic in the end.

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

11.45 pm, Fading memories-

I can remember the day clearly . The day that he told me, i was the first to know. I was his Fiance after all. We'd had it planned all the dates set and everyone was happy about our wedding. But he had to tell me, he sat down and took my hands, his eyes glazing over with tears.

"Frank...i have.... c-cancer" The words cracked. And my heart shattered.

I couldn't speak, i couldn't hear, my mind was running blank. The walls i built around me came crashing down. Everything breaking, shattering ruining my life.

"...It's terminal" I had to let it go. My eyes glazed with tears finally broke. My heart pounded as i cried. Grabbing onto his shoulder, holding on for dear life! I couldn't be strong right now. He grabbed hold of me, pulling me into a tight hug. This was the moment when everything would change. My world was ending forever. It hit me like a giant rock.

The love of my life was about to die....

Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
And baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know

11.50pm. Getting ready-

After he had told me it took several months for the illness to take a major toll to his health. He gradually became weaker and weaker, he could no longer play the loving concert he wanted to play. Eating was even a horrible hard task for him. Yet his eyes still would light up every time we would be together, every time he would see me. We had been together for so long.

But in the end he couldn't beat it. He had the will in him, but the fight was to big to overcome with love. The world, the band.. me, had convinced ourselves that he did though. Deep down we knew we were just lying to make ourselves feel better. He wasn't powerful, he may seem like it, but he couldn't help himself now. This monster, this illness that was taking his life, destroying his body slowly. Killing him from the inside.

That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)

Midnight. To let him go-

So here we all are now. Gathered around his bed, watching him feeling helpless. I know everyone in the band would give their lives to save his. But we couldn't. That wasn't what life was like, at these points in time. He was looking worse then i had ever thought, of seeing him. His face a dull white, his bones were sticking out, his body weak. He's aware of what was going to happen, how long he had to go. As the seconds went on, we could see all his passion, his life, his story drain from his body. His eyes losing that sparkling sparkle that i yearned to see.

I felt his shaky hand reach out to find mine. His fragile voice filled my ears softly.

"F-frank-ie... I'm so-s-sorry... i couldn't h-ho-hold it o-out till w-we got m-ma-married... I love you....." His voice cracking every now and again. His words struggling to be spoken. Tear left my eyes in large amounts, streaming down my face.

"Shh, i love you too baby.... I'll miss you... i really truly love you, my heart is always yours..." My own voice cracking at the end. It was hard to let go. It was even harder to let go of someone you truly loved.

His eyes slowly closed. His breaths were weaker, less frequent. The band watched in silence as i slowly slip off my silver ring and placed it softly on my loves hand.

"I'll always remember you baby...." The sound of the heart monitor rang out through the room. Breaking the silence, and breaking my last words he heard.

At 12.10pm the 12th October, Gerard Way took his final, and last breath.

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you