Adieu

“Gerard,” Enveloping his lover from behind, Bert tucked his chin into the crook of Gerard’s neck so he would be able to hear him over the noise of the party. “Gee, come dance with me!”

Gerard turned, expecting to see his boyfriend with a grin the size of a Cheshire cat thanks to alcohol, or pupils as wide as the moon, but the only thing abnormal about what he saw was the look of longing in Bert’s eyes – the one he usually saved for when they were alone. Gerard smiled and pressed his lips against Bert’s, watching the flash of emotion run through the man’s eyes. Confused, Gee tried to analyse what he saw, but it had flashed so quickly, he couldn’t name whether it was regret, angst or desire.

Turning back, Gerard pushed the bottle of beer he had been holding into the hands of his brother and let Bert’s hand clasp around his, a safety blanket, to lead him to the dance floor. Quickly, the two had lost themselves in the music, singing, grinding and turning to give the other a quick kiss when they could get away with it.

Unbeknownst to the pair, Mikey was watching from the side of the room, beaming with the knowledge that his brother had finally found his soul made, and heaven knew that he deserved it.

“It’s our song!” Gerard giggled, as Christina Aguilera’s ‘Dirty’ started pumping through the speakers. Bert grinned, pulling his boyfriend closer. As they danced, Bert never took his eyes from the man in front of him, he drunk in every detail, traced over every memory of the two and as the song went on, the smile faded and was quickly replaced by a tear running down his face. Before his partner could see, he quickly swiped it away and let the music wash over him once again, getting lost in a world where nobody mattered but them.

An hour later, the party was still in full swing. Bert stopped dancing suddenly, and started to weave through the crowd, his hand firmly attached to Gerard’s. He glanced around quickly, before sliding open the hotel door that led to the gardens and pulling them through, shutting it quietly behind them.

“Bert,” Gerard started, flushed from dancing, “What are we doing out here?”

“I thought we should cool off,” Bert grinned, motioning to the pool they’d come to stop beside. He bent down and took off his shoes, socks, trousers and t-shirt until he was standing in front of Gerard in nothing but his boxers. Gerard smirked, but remained clothed.

“We’re not allowed in there, it’s closed after eight and it’s now...” He checked his watch, “one in the morning.”

“Rules are made to be broken,” Bert took a step forward before taking a leap and diving into the pool head-first. Gerard pulled off his watch, followed by the rest of his clothes and left them in a messy heap on the floor before jumping in – less gracefully – after his lover. Bert watched in awe as Gee leant his head back and laughed, the smile lighting a fire in his eyes.

“That’s why I love you,” He grinned, as Bert waded towards him, shivering in lust as he closed the space between their bodies, wrapping his arms around Gerard’s waist. Gerard lent his head on Bert’s bare chest, breathing in his familiar smell that was now mixed with chlorine.

“I feel like such a rebel,” Gerard laughed, “You’re a bad influence”

“Oh, yes. But you love it.” Bert pushed his hand under Gerard’s chin, and gently pulled it up until they were face to face, falling into each other’s eyes. Subconsciously, they leaned in until their lips had met, their eyes fluttering closed, their eyelashes resting softy on the tip of their cheekbones. Gerard pulled his hand out of the water, and tangled it in Bert’s hair, deepening the kiss. The pair were perfect for each other, overwhelmed with love and although their ‘honeymoon period’ had finished almost two years ago, they still found each other as exciting as the first day they met.

When Gerard pulled away, Bert’s eyes remained closed, trying to hide the tears that were becoming more rapid.

“What’s wrong?” Gerard asked, his heart hammering instantly at the sight of the man he would do anything for as upset as this, his mind racing for what could have happened – what he could have done to upset Bert. He untangled his hand from Bert’s hair, and wiped away his tears, kissing the space where they had been. “You can tell me.”

“I’m sorry,” Bert bent his head, his voice broken. “I hate myself! I’m so, so sorry!”

Gerard laid his hands on Bert’s forearms and pushed him back so there was more distance between them. Looking into his eyes, Gee asked him to explain, confusion etched across his features.

“I was drunk, like completely hammered. It didn’t mean anything, I swear. I love you.” His sentences all blurred into one, and Gerard tried to comprehend what he meant, tried desperately hard not to believe what his mind was telling him Bert was saying.

“Tell me what you did.” Gerard mumbled, “Che cosa hai fatto?”

“It didn’t mean anything, I swear on my life. I’m giving up the drink, I’m giving up the drugs – I’ll do it cold turkey, I don’t need them. I just need you, Gerard.”

“What did you do?”

“I slept with Quinn, but I don’t care about him. He was drunk too, I don’t even find him attractive. You’re my life Gerard, my whole world. I’m so sorry!

Gerard looked down into the water, where the chemicals distorted everything. He watched as their feet under the water swirled into different shapes, and Gerard realised that it was quite fitting that Bert had told him here, since now his life was like the distorted image in the pool; completely different to what he thought. And Bert? Well, the chemicals had changed him completely.

“Pensavo che hai amato me” Gerard had always slipped into the Italian language when his emotions became too much for him, and it was something Bert had always loved, but now – it was like torture, to not know what he was saying. “What about me, Bert? Che cosa ho fatto di sbagliato?’

“It meant nothing, nothing! I would do anything to take it back, you know that I love you, Gerard. More than anything!”

“Apparently, I don’t know you at all.” Gerard mumbled, before reaching for the metal steps and pulling himself out of the pool. Bert watched, not knowing what to do as Gerard picked up his clothes and sent one last, heartbroken look to Bert.

“Ti amo.” He muttered. Bert knew that much Italian, to know that Gerard had just told him he loved him. And that in itself, ripped him to pieces. Bert watched Gerard walk away, tears streaming down both their faces and wished that there was something that he could say to make Gerard stay.

* * *

There was no-one at the apartment when he got back. Gerard wasn’t there to talk things out like he’d imagined on the way here. Bert wandered through their home and looked for a note, or anything to show that he’d been back.

He ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time to get to their bedroom – their haven. Bert inhaled as he walked in the room, breathing in Gerard’s familiar cologne. Looking around urgently, he noticed that nothing had been moved since the day they had left for the hotel.

Bert remembered the friendly bantering and teasing that had passed between them as they packed, he remembered the kisses implanted on each other’s mouths until it had started to get more passionate and until they couldn’t stop themselves. It was often the way between them both, the chemistry between them was fatal.

“You’ll come home, Gee” Bert mumbled into the empty room, before adding doubtfully “Won’t you?”

Bert didn't bother to wipe away the tears that flowed so effortlessly down his cheeks, travelling silently along his jaw and falling off his chin. Not for the first time, Bert thought about what he’d done – and what he’d ruined with one stupid, drunken night of...sex.

But for the first time he realised that Gerard wasn’t coming back. Ever.

The truth stung him like a slap in the face, and Bert sunk onto his knees, gripping at the place on his chest where he thought his heart would be buried. In fact, he didn’t need to think about it, the torn ache that was slowly taking over and numbing the whole of his body told him that he was right.

“I didn’t mean to!” He screamed at the photo of the two of them from the beginning of their relationship. Bert couldn’t physically see it through his tears, but the two of them had spent so much time admiring the beauty of it that he could relay every detail. The way Gerard’s arm was slung gracefully around Bert’s bare chest on the beach, the way that it looked so natural. The grin on both of their faces that mirrored the happiness of their other half. Bert envisioned the perfect, milky skin of Gerard’s chest and sobbed. That was once his, Gerard had been his own little piece of heaven that he hadn’t deserved – and now it had been ripped away from him through his own stupid mistake and he could do nothing to put it right.

Bert pulled himself up from the floor and staggered over to the bed. He kicked his shoes off out of habit, knowing that it was always a pet peeve of Gerard’s, and crawled into his lovers side of the bed.

“You have to come back.” Bert croaked, cradling the pillow to his side. “I’ll keep it all warm for you; It’ll be like you never went away.”

The sun slipped away into the skyline, and was replaced by the moon. A full moon, that glistened over the city. Bert saw through swollen eyes and wondered that maybe, just maybe, Gerard was looking at it too.

The night slipped into the day, which fell into night time again. Bert never moved; he hardly slept. Days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months until Bert was almost unrecognisable. He hadn’t showered, eaten or even moved from the spot on Gerard’s side of the bed other than going to the toilet – which he loathed to do.

Every second, every minute, and every hour – Bert would stare at their bedroom door until he would see a figure standing in the doorway. Shooting upright, Bert would cry with the excitement that his lover had returned – until he realised it was only his mind playing nasty tricks.

Bert’s phone would ring occasionally. His hand would shoot out to grab the cellular device that rested onhis Gerard’s bedside cabinet, but whenever the caller I.D showed it to be anybody other than who he longed for, he would quickly disconnect the call to keep the line free for his love.

* * *

It was the day that Bert had finally resigned himself to the fact that he would die. He hadn’t eaten in weeks, he hadn’t eaten properly since the last day he saw Gerard. His bones were attempting to push their way out of his skin, and the hunger pains were so common that he’d become completely numb to them.

His eyelids fluttered closed, and he pulled the pillow close to his face, trying to breathe in any of Gerard’s remaining smell.

“Bert?”

Bert’s eyes shot open, and he stared at the person in front of him. He gasped at the fact that his love looked so frail, so broken and tired.

“L'ho mancata”

“Gerard...” Bert pushed himself out of bed, although it wasn’t as fast as he wished it to be thanks to the malnourished state of his body.

“You were on my side of the bed,” Gerard spoke softly.

“I was...I was keeping it warm,” Bert admitted, “I was hoping you’d come back.”

“You don’t know how much I hate you,” Gerard started, although there was no anger in his voice. “You broke me, you betrayed my trust, you discarded my love. I wanted...I wanted to die, Bert. Without you.”

Upon hearing this, Bert’s frail body would have collapsed onto the floor, if it wasn’t for the unusually skinny arms that caught him, and pulled him to his chest. Bert sobbed, wanting nothing more than to take back what had happened, take back the pain that he had caused his angel.

“Bert,” Gerard soothed, his arms wrapped tightly around him.

“I’m so sorry” Bert cried. “I’m so sorry, Gerard. I’m sorry. Please...”

“Yo le perdono. I forgive you.”

Gerard brushed away Bert’s tears, and pressed a soft kiss onto his lips. Slowly, a grin spread across Gerard’s heavenly features, and for the first time since he’d left, Bert smiled too, letting himself laugh shakily. Within minutes of being in each other’s company once again, they were both laughing, although for no logical reason whatsoever.

“There’s one thing I do know,” Gerard smiled, as he led Bert back to the bed, “If it hurts this much – then it must be love.”