Girls Do What They Want

"John? John, snap out of it man!"

I blinked slowly and swallowed the thick knot that had been constricting my throat from the moment we had stepped onto the beach, the white sand filling the spaces in between my toes like the memories seeping into my mind.

I reluctantly lifted my head and saw Pat regard me with careful, caring eyes, "You okay, John?"

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on reality, but the soft lulling of the crashing waves had me in nostalgia, the worst possible feeling that could be racking my mind.

I tried to forget about the last time I had laid eyes on this beach, but the fading sun reminded me all too much of her.

It had surfaced those painful memories of that fateful day. The very memories I had always unsucessfully tried to bury deep within myself, so that nobody could know they existed. Not even myself.

But as I grudgingly opened my eyelids and stared into the dark blue waves and listened to the distinct call of seagulls, the old wounds were torn open and I let out a small gasp. It felt as though my heart was going through a paralyzing aftershock.

I felt the touch of a warm hand on my shoulder and turned to meet Kennedy's dark brown eyes.
He gave me a sincere smile, the glow of bonfire illuminating his face.

I searched around briefly for Pat, Jared, Garret, and Tim, but found no trace of them.

"They all left a while ago," Kennedy said softly, noting my dazed look, as though if he spoke loudly it could break me.

"Oh," I replied simply, hugging my knees to my chest.
I buried my feet deeper into the hot sand, hoping it could soothe my aching thoughts.
I sighed as I had no such luck.
Those dreaded memories circled me endlessly, casting a dark shadow over me.

"John, it's time to let her go."

I clenched my teeth and balled my fists against my legs as I heard this.

"Its been two years now, you can't keep tormenting yourself like this."

I grinded my teeth and wished he would just shut up.

"You know, just as well as I do, that Sarah wouldn't approve of you living like this, always depressed."

The wound in my chest seemed to open further as I heard Kennedy utter her name.
Sarah.
Her name rubbed like salt against my wounds and I grimaced as shudder convulsed through my entire body.
Her name echoed around me like drops of thunder and I moaned.
Why?
Why did she have to go and leave me like this?
Couldn't she have taken me with her?
If only.

"Let her go," Kennedy whispered," it's time to move on."

I rolled my head back and gazed at the dark sky, stars pricking its skin as far as the eye could see.

The stars twinkled silently and another memory attacked me.

Sarah and I let our bare feet sink into the sand and we watched the stars dance above our heads.
I felt her small hands wrap around my waist and I smiled as her breath tickled my neck.

"Promise me something, John."

I closed my eyes and let her sweet voice carry me beyond the vast oceans.

"Anything for you Sarah, anything..."

She rested her head my shoulder, her soft, brown hair cascading down her back.

"Promise me that if something bad were ever to happen to one of us, heaven forbid, that neither of us will linger on the past, okay? That we won't let anything interfere with us enjoying our lives to the fullest. Promise me this, will you?"

I held her hand in mine and kissed her forehead, letting my lips remain there as I spoke," I promise, do you?"

She tilted her face upwards and pressed her lips gently on mine," I promise."

What a horrid coincidence that was, that only an hour later we had descended that forboding hill as the massive truck collided with her small Honda Civic.

I just remember gripping her limp hand tightly as the parrallel gurnies carried us away, the bright lights and loud sirens piercing me threateningly.

I remember the dark red trickling down her beautiful, serene face.
I just prayed it wasn't the end.
And it wasn't.
Only for her.

"Its time to forget her, John."

I summoned the will inside of me and spoke up, my throat dry and my voice coarse," Give me a couple minutes to myself. Okay, Kenny? I'll meet you back at the van."

He nodded and patted my back reassuringly as he left, the sand sinking rapidly into the deep indents he had left with his feet.

As I released my legs from the tight hold of my arms, I let all of the tension drip out if my fingers and toes, hoping the waves would wash them away later and dissolve them in the ocean.

I got up and walked over the the water, stepping into it's murky depths.

I didn't even bother rolling up my jeans as I kept walking, the water at my waist when I finally reached a halt.

I reached into the pocket of my black hoodie and clutched a small, velvet-clad box tightly.
I pulled it out and marveled at it.
Inside was a gorgeous diamond ring.
It's gold band was decorated with beautiful, intricate designs and it was crowned with a stunning diamond, fit for a girl just like...
Just like Sarah.

I enclosed the box firmly in my fist and readied my arm.

" Goodbye Sarah. I love you more then you could ever imagine. And I regret not being able to show you just how much."

I gripped the small box tighter, my knuckles turning an odd white.

"You were the one, the one and only. I'll never forget you... I love you."

I didn't try to stop the tears that flowed down my face as I raised my arm above my head, holding the box tightly with all the heart I still had salvaged.

I whispered a final farewell and propelled the box into the night sky, it's case dropping some fair distance away, a drift instantly jostling it out into the dark blue.

As the small gift washed away towards the horizon, which was the perfect shade of dark blue, a huge weight was taken along with it and I could finally smile for the first time in two years.

It was time to go.