Status: finished.
This Is How I Feel and It's So Surreal
'Cause there's no such thing as a miracle
</center>I used to hide away and only try to save myself,
From falling in love, or staying up on the shelf,
I was afraid to walk the streets alone, or by your side,
Just waiting up for something that could save my life.
There's a way out,
Stuck inside my head now,
Headed for a break down,
When I should be headed for the door.</center>
The knocking on my door becomes more and more frantic and I hurry out of the shower and fumble around for my dressing gown, heading for the stairs while still dripping wet, soaked hair sticking to my forehead. Grumbling about being dragged away from the shower.
I’m not really expecting to be met by you on my doorstep, not for another couple of hours at least, another day if you’re lucky, although space in between when you show up has started getting bigger, so possibly even a few days. What I’m trying to say is I wasn’t expecting you, what I certainly wasn’t expecting was the grin plastered across your face; the happiness that seems to be radiating off of you. You don’t push past me like you usually do, instead just wait politely for me to let you inside, you even apologise for getting me out of the shower.
You look like you you’re preparing to make a speech. I know before the words even leave your mouth that I’m not going to like them. And I don’t like them. One bit. They tear at my already broken heart. However you can’t keep the smile off of your face as you tell me; you and Harry had stayed up all night talking, you’ve come to a compromise, he’s sorry, you’re even going to look into adopting a child. You want me to be god father. Like standing through one ceremony with you two playing happy couple wasn’t bad enough. Like I didn’t go through enough heartache being your best man. To become have ties to any future children you two adopt would possibly break me. For real this time. I congratulate you anyway, it’s actually warming to see you smiling for once and we head towards the living room, where you sit whilst I go and change.
A million thoughts are running through my head, I think up until this point I was hoping for some sort of a miracle, that you‘d realise in your own time Harry was no good for you, after so much mistreatment and you‘d be in my arms quicker than you can say ‘mistake’. And we’d live happily ever after and all that, but that only happens in fairytales and my life is far from one of those. Maybe Harry is better for you than I can ever be, after all.
<center>'Cause I found out there's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
And I know you can't hide,
It's the shot heard 'round the world
Lights out,
There's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.</center>
It’s when I’m attempting to delay, unprepared to face you just yet that I find it, something I purchased months a go. On the night of your wedding day to be precise. It’s on top of the cupboard, where I clumsily threw it after deciding I wouldn’t need it. I pull it down, not really paying attention to my actions, I’m sort of zoned out, my head buzzing with a million thoughts. A small piece of paper also flutters down, hitting the floor. The letter I wrote with no intention of you ever seeing, the feelings I felt on your wedding day, what I still feel now. Plans I made on that night spill back into my head. Almost unwanted, but still fully formulated and they aid me in making a decision, it’s not a rash decision, it’s been coming for a long time. I quickly wipe a way a tear that’s threatening to fall. I love you so much. I hope Harry loves you even half as much as I do and I hope he keeps his promises to you.
I place the box carefully on my bed, then I slip the folded paper into my pocket, before walking across the hallway to my spare-room-turned-junk-room and stumble across all of the clutter until I find what I’m looking for, one of your old bass guitars, it’s broken of course, but it still sits here, in it’s carry case. I slip the note inside before moving again onto the hallway, carrying the box with me and placing it down gently so you don’t hear me move it, but hopefully so you’ll notice that it’s out of place when you eventually check. If you even check.
<center>If we could light up every street with our cellular phones,
Then maybe we can save ourselves, or maybe we won't,
Well, it doesn't even matter if we got no plan,
As long as you're holding on to somebody's hand.
Because there's a way out
Stuck inside your head now
But I know we can break out
If we can all just step outside the door</center>
I convince myself that you’re happy. That you’re gonna stay happy now, because Harry loves you. This time it’s not to make me feel okay, it’s to tell myself that you’ll be okay. There’s so much that I wish I could have changed, but I know I’m too late. I was always too late.
I smile meekly as I re-enter my living room, asking if you want a drink, you smile and accept but the look in your eye is questioning, you know I’m up to something, even if you can’t gather what.
Harry comes to collect you much later and you run straight into his arms. I stand by the door, watching, still telling myself you’re gonna stay this happy; reassuring myself. Over these past months I’ve gotten so used to it being you that I have to reassure, it feels strange.
Harry stands and looks at me attempting a half-smile, he never exactly knew what was going on with me, but it didn’t stop us from drifting a part - which was probably my fault, I shake his hand and half-smile back, silently trying to tell him everything. I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. Please don’t upset little Dougs anymore. I’m glad you’re both happy. Look after him. I think Harry kind of understands, I’m pretty sure the twinkling look in his eyes translates as a thank you for being there for you when you were going through bad times. That’s what I want to believe anyway. I want to believe that your future’s going to be perfect. And that you’re not going to need me anymore.
<center>'Cause I found out there's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
And I know you can't hide.
It's the shot heard 'round the world,
Lights out,
There's no such thing as,
A miracle, a miracle,
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.
I'm gonna kiss the sky tonight.
Maybe you should try it,
I'm gonna learn to fly tonight,
And you're invited,
'Cause all the things that we've become.
Are making me so fucking numb,
And this time I have had enough,
Goodbye, and say hello to the end of the world.<center>
Once you’ve left I quickly phone Tom, trying to find a way of thanking him for everything he‘s done over the years, without letting on to him that something‘s wrong, because if he knows something‘s wrong he‘s going to end up finding a way of stopping me. I don’t know how successful I am, but he doesn’t question me too much. I make a quick call to my mum, just talking about nothing really, but I make sure to tell her I love her before we hang up.
I head to my bedroom and sit on the bed, looking at the small black case that I left here, trying to decide where to go, I can’t do it here. I gently pull the case onto my lap and open it carefully, checking that the hand gun’s still inside. The sight of it makes me sick. It taps into my gut feeling that this isn’t the right way to go about this. Obviously it isn’t. It’s definitely the easiest way though. And suppressing my feelings didn’t work. I’ve had enough, no matter how irrational my decision actually is I know that it’s now or never. I think of the hotel that Tom and me stayed in back when we started the band, back when times were easy, then I think ‘why not?’ and get up to leave, ensuring that I take the box with me.
Once I’ve completed my short journey and I’m finally there I book myself into a random room, trying hard to pay attention, my heart thudding against my chest. I start to panic, thinking they may have guessed what I’m about to do, which makes my heart thud even harder and my head spin. They have no way of knowing though. I try not to let any of my emotions show on my face, while inside there are thousands alarm bells wringing, ricocheting around my brain and I feel as though I could just collapse right here. I’m getting good at hiding how I feel though. Too good.
I allow my thoughts to settle on you. You and Harry. Your relationship. The catalyst to my demise. The thought of you together causes a sickly feeling somewhere deep inside of me to rise. I take deep breaths as I try to remain calm looking. The pain will be over soon, all the feelings will be gone. This makes me sigh, it‘s been far too long since I‘ve not felt the hurt which stretches to every part of my existence. My hands also begin to shake. I know I have no control over what happens once I’ve done this. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever decided to go through with.
Once I’m inside the lift I press the button for the roof, no point dirtying up a perfectly clean hotel room, also if I chicken out of using the gun I can always jump. I don’t know which would be worse. I should have brought alcohol, lots of it. I attempt to talk myself out of not backing down, glad of the fact that no body else wants to use the lift. I don’t know what they’d do at the sight of a grown man practically falling a part inside, struggling to stop tears falling and attempting not to just fall to the floor and scream. I don’t think they’d let me up to the roof, that’s for sure. And I have to get onto the roof. I’m too good at backing away from situations that I‘m not going to like, just like I was too scared to come out as gay and I too scared to tell you how I felt.
<center>I found out there's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
And I know you can't hide,
It's the shot heard 'round the world,
Lights out,
There's no such thing as,
a miracle, a miracle,
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.</center>
I sit on the roof, it’s in darkness, the hotel being higher than all the street lights and most of the other buildings. I can hear the traffic many miles below me moving at a steady pace, it’s calming and almost rhythmic, it stops my heart from being so erratically. The sky above me is filled with millions of shiny, gold stars which appear to be looking down on me. Like they’re only there for me. The thoughts in my head settle a bit while I allow my eyes scan them and I shudder, suddenly feeling small.
My death won’t matter, not in the grander scheme of things. To the media it might, The word will spread around the world quicker than head lice in a primary school. To my family it might, they’ll be upset, eventually they’ll get over it and carry on as usual. One day, in the distant, distant future, everyone who ever knew me will be gone too, it won’t matter, people may even learn a lesson out of this.
Besides, I don’t think there’s any other way of silencing my feelings, they’re too strong, they have been all along and there’s nothing I can do, I’ve tried, I put this off, from the moment you told me that you loved Harry all those years a go, up until the moment that you told me you and Harry had worked everything out again this was all I wanted to do. Well not this exactly, but I wanted it to be over. So much for everything being okay in the end? It will be okay though, once I’m gone. Well for me at least, selfish I know, but I’m sick of doing what everyone else wants and not giving in to my own wishes. For once I’m doing this my way. I have complete control of what I do until the moment I’m gone.
I open the leather case, inspecting the contents and gently lift it up onto my knees, like I‘d done previously in my bedroom. I close my eyes to prepare myself for what I’m about to do, when a voice shatters my thoughts, makes me stop dead. It’s my name, I look up to see messy blonde hair, worried and tear filled eyes that if you were any nearer I’d be able to take note of the pools of blue, shining with green. Shimmering due to your tears. I groan in frustration and slide the gun away from me slightly, burying my head in my hands, ready to experience a whole load more heart ache as I hear you out. It’s gonna be harder than I thought to go through with this.
<center>Lights out
There's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.</center>
From falling in love, or staying up on the shelf,
I was afraid to walk the streets alone, or by your side,
Just waiting up for something that could save my life.
There's a way out,
Stuck inside my head now,
Headed for a break down,
When I should be headed for the door.</center>
The knocking on my door becomes more and more frantic and I hurry out of the shower and fumble around for my dressing gown, heading for the stairs while still dripping wet, soaked hair sticking to my forehead. Grumbling about being dragged away from the shower.
I’m not really expecting to be met by you on my doorstep, not for another couple of hours at least, another day if you’re lucky, although space in between when you show up has started getting bigger, so possibly even a few days. What I’m trying to say is I wasn’t expecting you, what I certainly wasn’t expecting was the grin plastered across your face; the happiness that seems to be radiating off of you. You don’t push past me like you usually do, instead just wait politely for me to let you inside, you even apologise for getting me out of the shower.
You look like you you’re preparing to make a speech. I know before the words even leave your mouth that I’m not going to like them. And I don’t like them. One bit. They tear at my already broken heart. However you can’t keep the smile off of your face as you tell me; you and Harry had stayed up all night talking, you’ve come to a compromise, he’s sorry, you’re even going to look into adopting a child. You want me to be god father. Like standing through one ceremony with you two playing happy couple wasn’t bad enough. Like I didn’t go through enough heartache being your best man. To become have ties to any future children you two adopt would possibly break me. For real this time. I congratulate you anyway, it’s actually warming to see you smiling for once and we head towards the living room, where you sit whilst I go and change.
A million thoughts are running through my head, I think up until this point I was hoping for some sort of a miracle, that you‘d realise in your own time Harry was no good for you, after so much mistreatment and you‘d be in my arms quicker than you can say ‘mistake’. And we’d live happily ever after and all that, but that only happens in fairytales and my life is far from one of those. Maybe Harry is better for you than I can ever be, after all.
<center>'Cause I found out there's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
And I know you can't hide,
It's the shot heard 'round the world
Lights out,
There's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.</center>
It’s when I’m attempting to delay, unprepared to face you just yet that I find it, something I purchased months a go. On the night of your wedding day to be precise. It’s on top of the cupboard, where I clumsily threw it after deciding I wouldn’t need it. I pull it down, not really paying attention to my actions, I’m sort of zoned out, my head buzzing with a million thoughts. A small piece of paper also flutters down, hitting the floor. The letter I wrote with no intention of you ever seeing, the feelings I felt on your wedding day, what I still feel now. Plans I made on that night spill back into my head. Almost unwanted, but still fully formulated and they aid me in making a decision, it’s not a rash decision, it’s been coming for a long time. I quickly wipe a way a tear that’s threatening to fall. I love you so much. I hope Harry loves you even half as much as I do and I hope he keeps his promises to you.
I place the box carefully on my bed, then I slip the folded paper into my pocket, before walking across the hallway to my spare-room-turned-junk-room and stumble across all of the clutter until I find what I’m looking for, one of your old bass guitars, it’s broken of course, but it still sits here, in it’s carry case. I slip the note inside before moving again onto the hallway, carrying the box with me and placing it down gently so you don’t hear me move it, but hopefully so you’ll notice that it’s out of place when you eventually check. If you even check.
<center>If we could light up every street with our cellular phones,
Then maybe we can save ourselves, or maybe we won't,
Well, it doesn't even matter if we got no plan,
As long as you're holding on to somebody's hand.
Because there's a way out
Stuck inside your head now
But I know we can break out
If we can all just step outside the door</center>
I convince myself that you’re happy. That you’re gonna stay happy now, because Harry loves you. This time it’s not to make me feel okay, it’s to tell myself that you’ll be okay. There’s so much that I wish I could have changed, but I know I’m too late. I was always too late.
I smile meekly as I re-enter my living room, asking if you want a drink, you smile and accept but the look in your eye is questioning, you know I’m up to something, even if you can’t gather what.
Harry comes to collect you much later and you run straight into his arms. I stand by the door, watching, still telling myself you’re gonna stay this happy; reassuring myself. Over these past months I’ve gotten so used to it being you that I have to reassure, it feels strange.
Harry stands and looks at me attempting a half-smile, he never exactly knew what was going on with me, but it didn’t stop us from drifting a part - which was probably my fault, I shake his hand and half-smile back, silently trying to tell him everything. I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. Please don’t upset little Dougs anymore. I’m glad you’re both happy. Look after him. I think Harry kind of understands, I’m pretty sure the twinkling look in his eyes translates as a thank you for being there for you when you were going through bad times. That’s what I want to believe anyway. I want to believe that your future’s going to be perfect. And that you’re not going to need me anymore.
<center>'Cause I found out there's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
And I know you can't hide.
It's the shot heard 'round the world,
Lights out,
There's no such thing as,
A miracle, a miracle,
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.
I'm gonna kiss the sky tonight.
Maybe you should try it,
I'm gonna learn to fly tonight,
And you're invited,
'Cause all the things that we've become.
Are making me so fucking numb,
And this time I have had enough,
Goodbye, and say hello to the end of the world.<center>
Once you’ve left I quickly phone Tom, trying to find a way of thanking him for everything he‘s done over the years, without letting on to him that something‘s wrong, because if he knows something‘s wrong he‘s going to end up finding a way of stopping me. I don’t know how successful I am, but he doesn’t question me too much. I make a quick call to my mum, just talking about nothing really, but I make sure to tell her I love her before we hang up.
I head to my bedroom and sit on the bed, looking at the small black case that I left here, trying to decide where to go, I can’t do it here. I gently pull the case onto my lap and open it carefully, checking that the hand gun’s still inside. The sight of it makes me sick. It taps into my gut feeling that this isn’t the right way to go about this. Obviously it isn’t. It’s definitely the easiest way though. And suppressing my feelings didn’t work. I’ve had enough, no matter how irrational my decision actually is I know that it’s now or never. I think of the hotel that Tom and me stayed in back when we started the band, back when times were easy, then I think ‘why not?’ and get up to leave, ensuring that I take the box with me.
Once I’ve completed my short journey and I’m finally there I book myself into a random room, trying hard to pay attention, my heart thudding against my chest. I start to panic, thinking they may have guessed what I’m about to do, which makes my heart thud even harder and my head spin. They have no way of knowing though. I try not to let any of my emotions show on my face, while inside there are thousands alarm bells wringing, ricocheting around my brain and I feel as though I could just collapse right here. I’m getting good at hiding how I feel though. Too good.
I allow my thoughts to settle on you. You and Harry. Your relationship. The catalyst to my demise. The thought of you together causes a sickly feeling somewhere deep inside of me to rise. I take deep breaths as I try to remain calm looking. The pain will be over soon, all the feelings will be gone. This makes me sigh, it‘s been far too long since I‘ve not felt the hurt which stretches to every part of my existence. My hands also begin to shake. I know I have no control over what happens once I’ve done this. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever decided to go through with.
Once I’m inside the lift I press the button for the roof, no point dirtying up a perfectly clean hotel room, also if I chicken out of using the gun I can always jump. I don’t know which would be worse. I should have brought alcohol, lots of it. I attempt to talk myself out of not backing down, glad of the fact that no body else wants to use the lift. I don’t know what they’d do at the sight of a grown man practically falling a part inside, struggling to stop tears falling and attempting not to just fall to the floor and scream. I don’t think they’d let me up to the roof, that’s for sure. And I have to get onto the roof. I’m too good at backing away from situations that I‘m not going to like, just like I was too scared to come out as gay and I too scared to tell you how I felt.
<center>I found out there's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle,
And I know you can't hide,
It's the shot heard 'round the world,
Lights out,
There's no such thing as,
a miracle, a miracle,
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.</center>
I sit on the roof, it’s in darkness, the hotel being higher than all the street lights and most of the other buildings. I can hear the traffic many miles below me moving at a steady pace, it’s calming and almost rhythmic, it stops my heart from being so erratically. The sky above me is filled with millions of shiny, gold stars which appear to be looking down on me. Like they’re only there for me. The thoughts in my head settle a bit while I allow my eyes scan them and I shudder, suddenly feeling small.
My death won’t matter, not in the grander scheme of things. To the media it might, The word will spread around the world quicker than head lice in a primary school. To my family it might, they’ll be upset, eventually they’ll get over it and carry on as usual. One day, in the distant, distant future, everyone who ever knew me will be gone too, it won’t matter, people may even learn a lesson out of this.
Besides, I don’t think there’s any other way of silencing my feelings, they’re too strong, they have been all along and there’s nothing I can do, I’ve tried, I put this off, from the moment you told me that you loved Harry all those years a go, up until the moment that you told me you and Harry had worked everything out again this was all I wanted to do. Well not this exactly, but I wanted it to be over. So much for everything being okay in the end? It will be okay though, once I’m gone. Well for me at least, selfish I know, but I’m sick of doing what everyone else wants and not giving in to my own wishes. For once I’m doing this my way. I have complete control of what I do until the moment I’m gone.
I open the leather case, inspecting the contents and gently lift it up onto my knees, like I‘d done previously in my bedroom. I close my eyes to prepare myself for what I’m about to do, when a voice shatters my thoughts, makes me stop dead. It’s my name, I look up to see messy blonde hair, worried and tear filled eyes that if you were any nearer I’d be able to take note of the pools of blue, shining with green. Shimmering due to your tears. I groan in frustration and slide the gun away from me slightly, burying my head in my hands, ready to experience a whole load more heart ache as I hear you out. It’s gonna be harder than I thought to go through with this.
<center>Lights out
There's no such thing as
a miracle, a miracle
But, baby, don't cry,
It's the shot heard 'round the world.</center>
♠ ♠ ♠
~ Fin.