Remember the Time

ELEVEN
Complications
The first three months are told to be the hardest, because the body is changing and also because of the hormones. I couldn’t agree more my first morning sickness was awful I’ve never worse in my whole life, the way I felt the vomit rose in my throat was terrible and much worse was the smell, which only made me want to vomit again and no matter if I haven’t got any breakfast I could vomit the same quantity as if I had.
But I wasn’t alone, Michael was there for me, to pull my hair back while I braced the toilet every morning, to go in the car all the way to L.A to get me a burger he was there to suffer the pregnancy only that he was enjoying all those things, and whenever I thought I’d vomit he’d rush to give me a dust bin just in time for me to throw up all I ate.
He also had so many questions about my health that the doctor said he’d never seen a father so excited to have his baby. He would also sing before falling asleep and painted the walls of the room beside ours. I treasure that memory in my heart because I’ve never seen him that happy.
I just got back from a walk in the gardens and couldn’t find Michael anywhere so after I gave up and went up to our room I heard him singing some tune that I never got to hear again, he had old clothes on and with a brush was attempting to paint of a bright yellow colour the north wall, I went quickly to get my camera and took a picture of him, when he heard the sound of the camera he spun around to face me and laughed I took one of that too, because seeing him like that, so genuine and humble was like going back on the days he was only the guy with the afro hairstyle that shyly approached to my dad all those years ago. The man that became the king of pop, but that still was humble and sensitive. The man has never let me down.
The hormones also came with mood swings and Michael of all the people had to be the victim of them, I’d start to cry for the silliest thing and yell at him just for not being there when I woke, afterwards I would apologize of course but the damage was done although he never blamed me he always said “it’s the hormones” of this experiences I can say that in the whole universe doesn’t exist a sweetest man. The only one is Michael Joseph Jackson.
I had seven months of pregnancy, I was healthy, the baby was too, and I and Michael were happy. So when my appointment with the doctor arrived on the summer of 1993 I went off alone since Michael needed to get back into his music, everything was absolutely alright, he said I was in the right size and hat my weight was perfect. But that was just me; the baby was not doing very well.
The exact words I don’t remember, I was too busy crying hysterically at the only mention of “The baby has some complications” I kept thinking of where did I go wrong, I ate healthy—even meat because the doctor said the baby needed all kind of proteins. I did exercise, sleep eight hours and Michael rubbed my feet when I asked him for it; so why was my baby having complications?
When I first told Michael I was a mess, I’ve been crying all day, he first assured me it was not my fault, and that we would go see the doctor and talk about it, his words of wisdom let me sleep that night, but they couldn’t protect me from the infamous complications.
After some tests the doctor told us that he had just confirmed I had placental problems, and because the diagnosis was in the third trimester—what I understood—was that it could affect the birth, because during the last trimester, and especially in the last month, the lower uterine segment thins appreciably and pulls up a bit, which is what causes cervical effacement (thinning) and early dilatation. If the placenta is impinging on the lower segment and is not up in the fundus where it is supposed to be, then part of the placenta may dislodge and haemorrhage may occur. This somehow didn’t affect me or the baby but a caesarean birth was the safest way to bring the baby to this world.
When we heard that we just should be very careful, and I had to be in total bed rest to keep the baby safe, we agreed immediately. And I did what the doctor told me to, Michael was if possible more careful and sweet.
Those days doing absolutely nothing were killing me but if I had to do that to keep my baby alive I’d do it without hesitating, one day I needed to pee, and Michael was away for just an hour to fix some tracks on the studio. It was then when right before pulling my pants down when I felt something warm and wet in my pants, at first I thought I had an accident but then when I checked it was a red liquid instead of pee I managed to get the phone and call the studio, Michael answered right away but then a sharp pain came and what I let out was a whimper then when I managed to calm down I told him I was having the baby and that I was bleeding. “I’ll be there in a minute” he said. I decided to wait for him in the living room, I got down carefully and sat on the couch while I felt more and more weak the whole time I kept wondering if my baby was alright, but after not so long of waiting and trying to slow my breath I passed out.
Two days later I woke up to find the last thing I wanted to, Michael crying holding my hand when he saw me awake he smiled but it was a sad smile, I knew the meaning behind it but I wanted to hear the words escape his lips so I could be sure of it.
“When I arrived you were unconscious and with the help of the driver I took you to the car, you never stopped bleeding during the ride and the doctor said that the chances of you dying were high, and he asked me to make a choice. He said who I wanted him to save and here you are” he finished with a heartbreaking smile. “Why did you want me to survive? Didn’t you love our baby?” I said. “I have clear who I can’t live without”

Weeks later I was able to go home but I wasn’t sure if I could endure the sight of the nursery, my baby was dead it was a girl and Michael and I decided to spread her ashes from a plane in Neverland because it was the home of our little girl, we never thought of a name for her until the day we decided this “We should’ve named her” I said. “We still can do it” Michael reminded me. And we did her name was Eileen Janet Michael Jackson who was born and dead in June 25th of 1993 but will always live in my heart.
Being thin was something rare to me I missed the huge size of my belly and whenever I reached to touch it and felt my flat stomach I couldn’t help but cry even after my return from the hospital I was having nightmares and I have until these days all are connected, a baby crying and when I’m about to touch her, she turns out to be a lifeless body. Back then Michael was the one who hugged me and said soothing words in my ear until I fell back asleep but now I wake up in the middle of the night alone and to calm down I put on some classic music.
I went back to my dairy activities, I cooked read went with Michael to the studio and felt somehow better no one ever get over from losing a child even if you try very hard, this also affected my relationship with Michael he was now afraid of bringing up something that had to be with babies or children and I thanked him for that because I don’t know how I could’ve reacted at that. Then the first child sexual abuse allegations came, I was in awe because in no way Michael would dare to molest a child, he loved them but not in that way and I thought it was ridiculous since I was in every sleepover, every party I was there and nothing happened the children wanted to sleep with Michael not vice versa.
But no matter what I was going to stood by Michael because I knew he was innocent but when he said he wanted me “out of this” I had a big fight that ended up on him saying he wanted to be alone and I left him alone I packed some clothes and left to Kenya I needed my mother in that moment because daddy had suffered too much because of me.
When I first arrived mummy was surprised but let me stay the time I needed, I told her everything and she agreed with me in Michael’s innocence and also told me that if Michael wanted to get rid of it quickly he had to give the family money, I called Michael and told him this but he said “I deserve a trial to prove my innocence if I give them money everybody’ll think I have something to hide” so I let him do what he thought was best.
I only spent a week with mummy I missed Michael terribly, when I had the nightmares and no one was there to sooth me I couldn’t breathe properly and even the air was too much for me, I thanked mummy and she said that I could go back whenever I needed to. I wasn’t expecting to find Michael in such a ghastly state and I blamed myself for leaving when he needed me the most. After so many days of talking he finally told me everything, he said that the boy—whose name I won’t say because it makes me sick—said that he and Michael had engaged actions of kissing, masturbation and oral sex, the only mention of it fills my eyes with tears of pure anger because even if I tried I could not think of Michael doing that, him the sweetest person in the whole world had never shouted at me and that didn’t curse could not do such a horrible thing to a child and even today I can’t believe that are people that thinks he is a paedophile.
The press asked me if I thought he was a paedophile and I felt offended because that wasn’t even a question, all his family members along with me denied this, except La Toya who said he was a paedophile I was so angry I called her.
“How can you do this to your brother?” I yelled on the phone “He barely eats ever since this started and you go there say this horrible stuff, don’t be surprised if I don’t speak to you again”
I was angry and desperate because I couldn’t do anything to protect him from all the lies the tabloids said, every tabloid was like a knife through me and the person that stabbed it there forgot to take it out, imagine now if that was to me what was to poor Michael with such a fragile soul. He was broken and started to consume drugs soon he was addict, he was high and delusional and I didn’t know what to do until one day when he passed away in the living room. I thought “No more” when he woke up—hours later—I told him to settle the allegations out of court and go into rehab otherwise I’d divorce.
He agreed right away taking a huge responsibility from my back I had finally a little break from all this chaos that had kept me so busy I even forgot I’ve lost my baby. On January first of 1994 he settled with the family out of court for $22 million, it was the only way the boy stopped co-operating to regard criminal proceeding, Michael went to rehab right away.

Our lives never were the same of course he always thanked me for supporting him through everything, we tried to have more children but in February I was told that I could not conceive children any more, I was sterile and this made me feel bad because what’s a woman that cannot have children? Sometimes I would sit in the nursery for days and cry until one day I found out it was locked I tried to open the door but Michael said he locked it for my own good, on that moment I was angry but it was the best otherwise I would have never get over it.
With everything I finally forgot about John I could barely remember his face or his voice, this was good because the last thing I needed was a distraction, sometimes I thought of going back to modelling I had plenty friends that would be glad to have me in the cover of their magazines and after a few calls I had an appointment to be in the cover of Vogue. Michael was glad that I’d decided to do something to keep my mind busy and my dream had always been to appear in that magazine ever since I was a teenager so I flew to West Sussex in England and did the shoots for the magazine, the location they chose was lovely, a meadow in the middle of the country and me in a beautiful dress, when they told me to smile I did and for the first time in months I truly smiled, there was no more drama in my life and my matrimony got past the hardest moments, nothing could go wrong now I was sterile yes but I could live without children. In the magazine I confessed this and they got out a special article about how being sterile affects women in society.

I really needed that break, when I got back to Neverland I was a complete new woman, I was all day humming some tune while putting roses in a vase of every room in the house—which took days—and when Michael took me to the studio I’d pay attention and enjoy the music he noted the change too and was very glad of course because in every take he would send a wink at me or wiggle his eyebrows, which I totally loved.
I totally loved this new life where he would dance while helping me cook the dinner and I’d laugh a lot, once I told him to give me a tomato and him—being a minx—did the moonwalk to get to the fridge to then spun and open the door, when he finally got the tomato he started to play with it and in one of this the tomato fell and Michael smashed it with his foot making him trip and the leaving the cabinets with red spots, I laughed very hard because of this and even when I remember it now I can’t help to burst into laughter.
And both of us agreed that we could live without children only that I thought it would be for the rest of our lives and Michael obviously just for a certain period of time.