Swim or Drown?

LILY’S POV
The day was here, the day I was dreading. Open casket. I did not want to see my dead grandmothers face, snuggled inside a death tomb, but yet I wanted her to know I was there looking at her seeing her features until she would be placed in the depths of the earth. I would like to believe in God, but if there was a God, he wouldn’t of taken my brother or my grandmother away from me. For no reason asides from I needed them.

I continued to think of Religon and why everything happened, why was Africa so poor full of disease, hurt sadness, God was suppose to help, why was it possible children could die before there parents, why did little boys and girls get Cancer? Nothing was fair and I was just now learning that. Nothing. The only thing keeping me from slipping into depression was Alex. And just Alex, not even Carly or Jack. Words from them meant something just not enough.

I finished my light curls and slipped on my dress. I walked out clutching the dress tight to the front of my body.

“Alex?” I said. He slipped on his pants quickly and came over to me smirking.

“Yes?” He said getting very close and looking down.

“Z-zipper?” I stuttered, mentally slapping myself for being such an idiot.

“Sure thing baby.” He spun me around and quickly zipped the dress up and the spun me to face him.

“Go finish getting ready, smokin’.” He added and kissed me quickly turning back around to his suit shirt and jacket.

I sighed and finished dressing myself in all black. I painted my nails the color of death and smeared the color of red on my lips. I placed a black sequined baret on my blonde hair and grabbed the trench coat and clutch laying on the hotel bathroom.

I tied the long coat on and looked at myself in the mirror. Not really at my reflection but of nothing, as if there was no reflection I touched my face and I couldn’t feel it. I was numb. I hadn’t cried YET like I had expected. But I’m sure the water works would be coming the minute I say anything that reminded me she was dead.

--Driving in silence, arriving.

Alex immediately grabbed my hand and walked with me into the building surrounded in the flowers I had picked out. Grandma Emily’s Funeral It was there printed in Black bold print. I felt my heart sink and I squeezed Alex’s hand and he returned the light squeeze back.

“I’m right here.” He said not telling me because he thought he had to but because he wanted to let me know. He was here, for me. I looked inside and saw no one aside from the police.

No one attended my grandmothers funneral!? Not even my damned dad. I let out a frustrated tear and walked up the police.

“Was anybody notified about this ?” I fumed and wrapped a arm around my waist protectively.

“Your father, and your mother knows but she is where she is right now and that all of the family you are in contact she only has a couple friends who we could not reach.

“Well fucking great no one is here to say good fucking bye to her.” I turned around and walked to a bench in the church I sat down and finally the water works started pumping. Tears were flowwing every which way now. No one could stop it.

The pearly white casket was set in front of the church and the opened the top and the two men left. I got up as Alex slipped his jacket off and then helped me out of mine. I took a deep breath and approached the coffin. I stopped two feet away and turned to Alex who was right by my side.

“Can I say good bye to her a-a lone?” Alex kissed me quickly and turned away. I sighed and continued my walk to desolation.

There she was, placed in a velet coffin, the morgue nurses had taken care of her. All you could see was a healing cut and pale pale DEAD skin. Her eyes were shut as I closed mine, imagining them smiling at me and her sweet voice in my ear, telling me stories of everything. I would never be able to here her voice again. Silent tears spilled over the brink and I let them. I opened my eyes slowly. And smiled.

“Hello, grandma, I already miss you. I wish you didn’t have to g-g-o-o. I love you soo-so-s-o-o-much and I never wanted you to leave, but you did and now what do I do? Well grandma I have Alex now, you would be proud, we finally have something hes with me now, he came all the way with me. I’m afraid I won’t be able to remember every amazing thing about you. But you will always be with me in my heart. I just wish you didn’t leave me so soon. I love you. I love you grandma. I kissed the top of her head and burst into tears falling to my knees. And this is where you insert my final breakdown.