The Crimson Lotus

“Are you sure I look alright?” she asked quietly, and Kai nodded, beaming at her. “It’s been a while since I’ve been out like this, I’m just...”

Kai smiled at her, placing his hand on hers. She looked up at him, and his smile became sympathetic, as though he could understand how much she hated having to be rid of her hair. Gently patting her leg, he glanced past her before giving yet another smile. “Tanjobi omedeto,” he said, and he spoke gently, though it was almost as if he were saying it so that she could decipher each syllable as he said it. His hand closed around hers, and as she let her palm press against his, she could understand the difference between the way Kai held her hand and the way Ruki did. It was purely a friendly gesture when Kai took her hand, but when Ruki did, it was a subtly affectionate one, protective and warm at the same time.

She smiled softly back at him. He had a heartbreakingly loving soul, and his eyes were unbelievably bright as she watched him. “I can see why Ruki calls you leader-san when he speaks of you, Kai,” she said, and he laughed softly at her, patting the back of her hand with his free one as they heard the driver open his door. “Really. You’re such a loving person. It’s sad that you are only here for two weeks.”

Kai giggled a little. “And you speak like him now, ne?” He laughed again, and he grinned as the door was opened. “You should smile more, Maddie-chan. Taka-kun is always much happier when you do. Now come with me. The band has a birthday surprise for you.” Maddie nodded, and she slid across the seat as he slipped out of the car. He tugged her up, and then out of habit, slipped his arm around her waist, even though she’d been walking on her own a little that day.

She rubbed her wrist, bothered by how thin she’d become, and walked into the small lounge with him. As the door opened, her face lit up.

“Tanjobi omedeto,” he repeated, and he gave Ruki a wink as the vocalist stepped down from the stage. He gently kissed Maddie’s temple, and he helped her slip her jacket off, slinging it over his arm as Ruki came over to her and gently pulled her into his arms. Kai knew that Maddie was drawn to Ruki because of how open he was with her and how long he’d spent taking care of her- the eagerness with which she’d left his arms could not offend him.

He heard Ruki whisper the same words he’d said to her, the tone of his voice different, softer, and he smiled as he hung her coat up, walking to the small stage to greet the other three band members with a quick hug. They watched offhandedly as they set their instruments in their places, and they smiled, melting a little, as Ruki shifted his arms so that he held Maddie a little differently, watching his head dip down to rest on her head as she pressed her cheek to his clothed chest.

To her cancer-ridden body, there was nothing more healing than being close to him and feeling his heartbeat against her cheek. Because he was perfectly healthy, it was as though being held by him for just a few minutes could make her feel healthy too, long enough to enjoy whatever he and the band had planned for her birthday. His shirt beneath her thin hands was perfection, and his kiss to the convincing wig she wore made her squeeze her eyes closed and bite her lip to hold back tears. “You look beautiful, Maddie-chan,” he murmured, and she lifted her head to look at him. His eyes were shining, and the smile on his lips was so soft that he almost seemed human.

She smiled back at him, and he brushed at the corners of her eyes with his thumb, his delicate brows curling together as he followed the trail of her tear drop with his eyes.
“Don’t be so sad, Maddie-chan,” he said quietly, kissing her forehead.

She shook her head, his lips brushing across her skin as she did. “I’m only ever beautiful to you, Ruki-san,” she said quietly, and she sighed, leaning against him, finding support in him once more. “It’s always you telling me that I’m beautiful.” She sighed, and he brushed the tips of his fingers through the fake hair on her head, shutting his eyes and imagining that it was her real hair- like the dark hair he’d seen in pictures.

“That’s because you are, Maddie-chan, and always will be.” He pressed her closer to his chest, for a moment taking her insecurities away, and he kissed the skin closest to his mouth before drawing back from her and giving her the warmest smile he could manage, still trying to understand why she meant so much to him after only a few weeks. He touched her face, and then he drew back so that his hand on her skin was their only contact. “Forever my Maddie-chan. And that means that you are meant to be forever beautiful.” He sighed. “Smile, Maddie-chan. This is your present from us. Your favorite songs…we wanted to perform them for you.”

She nodded. “Of course, Ruki-san.” A shy smile lifted her lips, and his hand held hers just enough to walk her over to the table and pull her chair out for her as she sat down. He lifted their interlaced fingers to his lips, and he kissed the skin between her knuckles before releasing her hand and giving her an impossibly adoring smile. “Thank you, Ruki-san,” she said quietly, and he shook his head as he glanced past her, watching a waiter emerge from the kitchen. Maddie felt tears sting in her eyes as she thought of the things he’d spent money on for her eighteenth birthday. He winked down at her, and then he turned and jumped back onto the stage with his band.

Subtle traces of his cologne were still evident on the dress he’d bought her, pressed into the material from his warm body being so close to hers for as long as it had been. She smiled as she noticed this, and she accepted the menu handed to her with a quick bow of her head, unaware of how quickly she’d picked up Japanese mannerisms from Ruki and his band. She glanced over the food offerings, and she realized that Ruki had paid for better chefs as well. The words in the names of the foods were foreign, and she smiled even more, thinking back on the foods Ruki had talked about on the nights she’d needed to be put at ease for sleep.

A tear dripped from her eye onto the lamination, and she glanced up at the band, watching them finish setting up their stage. She tried remembering the descriptions of the foods on the page, thinking of the scents and tastes he’d described to her, and from these memories, she tried to choose between them. Her eyes scanned over the various dishes once more, and she touched her fingers to the dish named at the bottom of the page. ‘Recommended by Matsumoto-san.’ She smiled – it was a combination of the things that had appealed to her the most, of all the foods he’d mentioned. Looking up, she smiled – the man hired to serve her had been waiting quietly for her to make her decision.

“Your order, Miss Keller?”

She touched her finger to Ruki’s recommendation, smiling widely. “I think I’ll take his advice,” she said softly, and the man nodded, taking the menu from her. She glanced up at the mini-stage and saw Ruki with his head turned slightly over his shoulder, and she realized that he’d heard her. She thought she’d seen something glistening on his cheek, but he turned away, saying something to Uruha before taking a moment to himself, running his hand over his hair.

His band smiled at him while taking their places, and then he took his place at the microphone, at the center of the stage, where he seemed to fit perfectly. The lights in the small club dimmed, and Maddie blushed slightly, smiling up at the man on stage as he smiled down at her. He looked like she always had known he would under the lights, like he was born to be the god on the stage, even though he was only singing for her instead of thousands of ogling fans. He smiled, and he wrapped his slender hands around the microphone, his mouth dangerously close to it as he shut his eyes and murmured the first song title; “Cassis.”

She watched him with bright eyes- he was everything she’d ever looked up to in human form, his body swaying to the music, his fingers drumming lazily on the mike stand as he sang the words, the volume adjusted so that he wouldn’t be drowned out by the small space, and his eyes watching Maddie if they were open, shining brightly down at her. He thought that the protective feelings he had for her were beyond reason.

But she looked happy as she watched him perform. Her foot tapped lightly to the beat, and her fingers followed flawlessly, keeping perfect time as the song picked up, and when Ruki glanced over his shoulder at Uruha, the guitarist was grinning. Turning his head over his other shoulder, he saw Aoi smiling to himself and Reita simply zoning into the song as he always did. It felt different to him, though- it was almost as though Maddie wasn’t sick tonight because there was a wide grin on her face that he’d only seen when he’d first walked into her hospital room. Her eyes shone, even in the dim lighting, and despite making him happy to see, it also broke his heart because he knew she would have very few opportunities to be like this again.

Easily, he strummed out his part on the guitar he’d doted on for years, and he could feel her watching him, even when his eyes drifted closed so that he could drift into the music. He gave a smile, and she smiled back, and it nearly broke him to see that her eyes were wet from tears.

It felt as though he was singing to her, beyond simply performing for her. She felt as though somehow, he was putting enough of his emotions into the song for it to connect to them, and her heart seemed to melt little by little as the song continued on and then slowed to the end. She gave eager applause, energized by the music as she’d always known she would be, and laughed as Ruki took a bow, doing everything he could think of to entertain her on her birthday.

And regardless of how she thought each moment would pass by slowly enough to be savored, it didn’t happen nearly as much as she’d wanted. She almost wished that there was someone recording the performance, but then she remembered that it would do no good- Ruki would never want to watch it and no one else would be able to feel the energetic flow and the adoration from the band that Maddie felt. It was horrifying that there was only a week left in their visit, but she knew that she wouldn’t be forgotten by them. She knew that the group of men on the small stage before her was too amazing to forget a fan, and that was why she didn’t feel bad when the time passed quickly.

Her food came to her in the middle of Reila, and when she picked up the chopsticks, a piece of paper shifted into view. Curiously, she picked it up and examined it. It was a tiny rectangle of paper, and it had the same air to it as Ruki did- for a second, she wondered if he’d spritzed some of his cologne onto the paper. Nonetheless, she peeked up at the waiter, grinning as he gave a bow, and she quirked an eyebrow as his gaze shifted to Ruki before he walked away, returning to the kitchen.

She peered up at Ruki as she unfolded the paper, and she caught sight of a tear in his eye once more. But he was also smiling a little, extending his hand out to someone that wasn’t really there, his head tilting and his eyes closing and his expression shifting into hurt. Maddie hated that Reila made him so unbelievably sad, but he had chosen the song, so he was performing it for a reason. He was opening up to her, showing her that he was still emotionally vulnerable- proving that he was human and not the godlike figure the fans saw when he was on the stage.

She glanced down at the paper when she figured she’d been staring at him too long, and she immediately bit down onto her bottom lip. She could only stare at the elegant script; Ruki’s adoring ‘Suki dayo’ was like a beacon to the bitter tears that were already threatening to spill from her eyes.

Her thoughts immediately trailed back to the night in the field, and she smiled, absently touching her fingers to her lips as she looked back up at him. He was smiling with a few tears in his eyes as his gaze connected with hers, and Maddie shivered involuntarily as he sang quietly about loving the girl in the song more than anything else in the world. “Suki dayo,” she whispered, almost to herself, and Ruki seemed to have heard her, and it was almost as if the words were for him. She knew too well what the words meant- he loved her. Whether it was as a dear friend or as something beyond that, she really couldn’t tell, but she only knew that she wanted his hand in hers again.

She picked up her chopsticks again, and she slowly started in on the meal he’d recommended for her, watching him as much as she could, memorizing the gleam in his eyes and watching the smile on his face switch emotions as the songs flowed smoothly into one another. It was almost a blessing that her favorite GazettE songs were mellow- she wouldn’t have had the energy level to enjoy the fast-paced tracks that so many fans loved.

Entranced by Ruki, she barely remembered her food. He was a natural on stage, his body swaying and his hands slipping down the microphone stand and his voice breaking if the emotion in the song was too high. He bent into the music, leaning forward and putting every emotion he had into the words, and he only seemed in danger of a breakdown when the set shifted to Guren- the final song of the night, she was sure. It destroyed her to hear his voice crack in the beginning of the song as it did- he’d gone through the rest of the band’s heartbreakers, and here it was, Guren, the final blow. It had destroyed her to hear him perform Taion and watch him sink to his knees and hear his voice completely falter in the chorus, but as he and the band performed Guren, Maddie knew that the song had hit a weak spot.

His eyes locked with hers, almost pleading for her never to go away, and she was thankful that she’d been able to finish the meal she’d been given. She could feel the power in his emotion, and she gripped onto the tablecloth as he extended his arm, palm up, his head tilting to the side and his expression losing its façade. His true emotion showed through long enough for Maddie to understand it, and then he began to fight it back. It hurt her so badly to see, but she couldn’t stop the song. She knew that was not what Ruki wanted.
She knew that Ruki wanted the band to see, too.

It nearly ate her alive to hear him sing the last few lines. His voice was shaking beyond belief, and Maddie felt terrible that he should feel so emotionally confused on her birthday, especially since he never would have felt such pain if she’d never asked him to come be with her. She watched tears roll down his face, and she was amazed that he’d held out so long. He was breaking her heart. She wanted to go up to him and hug him and tell him not to be sad over her because she was a silly teenager with literally no future, but she couldn’t stop the song.

Her head was suddenly spinning- her energy had slowly gone throughout the show. And as the lights faded on, Ruki saw how pale she’d become, and when he looked at her, he looked terrified. He dropped down from the stage, making a beeline over to her, and she easily let him pull her up to him, nuzzling into him, wanting to make him feel less hurt over the fact that she would be gone soon. His warm tears fell onto her head, easily seeping through the wig, and she clung onto him as her head swam more, closing her eyes.

“No, Ruki-san,” she breathed. “You’re not crying over me. I won’t let you.” Her fingers curled around his shirt, and he shifted his arms so that he could sink into the chair and hold her across his lap. “You’re always crying over me, and it’s not fair. You can’t, Ruki-san, you just…”

He shut his eyes. “But… Maddie-chan,” he whispered, his voice low, only for the two of them. “I love you.” The words almost felt wrong because of her age, but they felt like a relief as well because Maddie wasn’t really eighteen- she was far older than that, a young woman wise and experienced beyond her limited years.

She turned her head so that her temple was on his shoulder, and she nudged his cheek with her palm, making him look at her. “You can’t cry like that when you sing Guren, Ruki. It…it destroys me to see you hurt like that.” His eyes looked pained, and she buried her face in his neck once again, feeling like a clingy, sick, emotional child. She knew she needed this contact with him, but she also knew that each time she said something to him about how her three-month limit hurt him, it was like seizing onto his heart and then wrenching it apart. “I’m sorry, Ruki-san,” she whispered. “I…shouldn’t have said that.”

He touched a hand to the back of her neck, and he rested his head on hers, letting his eyes drift closed. “If you want to stay like this, we can, Maddie-chan,” he said quietly, and by now, not only had his band begun to watch them, but the flow of his tears had subsided into nearly nothing simply by having her within his grasp. The protective instinct that had exploded into so many things confused Ruki beyond belief, but it felt so much better just to have Maddie in his arms. “It is your birthday.”

She shook her head against the crook of his neck. “No,” she murmured. “I only want two more things from you for my birthday.” She lifted her head, her arms shifting around his neck to keep her still slightly dizzy head from making her entire body fall from his lap. “One…I just want you not to cry… please. And two…if it’s not too much, I…I wanted to hear you sing Nakigahara.” Her eyes looked tired but hopeful at the same time, and he couldn’t help but touch her cheek and nod.

“Hai. Alright.”