The Crimson Lotus

“Maddie, can you…can you tell me about...”

She looked up at him. “…About the cancer?” He nodded, and she gave him a soft smile, glancing down at their hands, watching his thumb drift over hers, and then she glanced back up at him to see his answering smile, forced as it was. “Of course, Ruki-san.” She nestled into him, and as she let go of his hand to hold onto him, he gently wrapped his arms around her, shifting slightly as the car did. “I…I first found out when I was twelve. They said that genetically, it was bound to happen, and…they gave me treatments on and off for a year.” When she went quiet, Ruki rested his head on hers, and she sighed. “If it had waited a few years to show up, I’d be taller than you, but it stunted my growth, and I haven’t grown an inch since thirteen.”

His hand drifted down to the small of her back, keeping her close. “Who in your family had leukemia before you, Maddie-chan?” he asked quietly.

She bit her lip, turning her head slightly so that she could look up at the stars. “My dad did…I was seven when he lost the fight.” He was quiet, and she took this as him wanting to continue. “After it went away the first time, into remission, I…I thought I would be okay again. I gained the weight I’d lost back, and my hair came back, and I could…I could play with my friends again. But…I was re-diagnosed when I was fifteen. It was worse, and they… they had to do a transplant.”

Without thinking about it, she touched the spot on her arm where, three years before, marrow had been transplanted into her bone, and she flinched slightly at the memory of waking up after the procedure had been done.

“They told me then that if it returned a second time, I wouldn’t survive it.” She bit her lip, and she heard his quiet sigh, and she could almost see him shutting his eyes and trying not to imagine what she’d gone through. “And then it came back this year, and I have less than three months now.” Her voice cracked, and she drew in a breath, trying not to think about it.

His hand drifted along her back, and she shut her eyes, willing herself not to break down again. He whispered a few words in Japanese that she assumed she wasn’t meant to understand, and she shivered as she realized he was hurting over what she’d told him.

“Sorry, Ruki-san, I…maybe shouldn’t have said so much.”

He shook his head, and she could feel his cheek rubbing gently against her skin. “Iie, Maddie-chan,” he murmured. “I wanted to know.” He turned his head slightly to kiss her skin, and she smiled slightly against his shirt, taking in his Bvlgari scent in an attempt to relax herself for the rest of the night. “Are you cold, Maddie-chan?” he whispered, and she shook her head, shifting closer to him nonetheless, putting herself at closer proximity to the warmth his body produced. He laughed softly as she did, and she peeked up at him, spotting his teary smile and feeling a pang of guilt.

There were tears in his eyes because of her. He made the smile spread, and as she lifted her head more, he touched her cheek, his palm a welcome, sudden warmth against her cheek. “You gave up a lot of time for me, Ruki-san. I still haven’t said thank you.” She gave a small smile, and he laughed softly. “I knew I’d picked the right J-rocker,” she added with a small laugh, and he rolled his eyes, making her smile, and then she laid back down beside him, snuggling against him and looking up at the sky, where stars still shone brightly and a few meteors flashed across the blackness.

She snuck her hand out from beneath the wrappings of her senior blanket and found his. He simply smiled and gave her hand a small squeeze, his other hand at her back to keep her at his side. This was comfort to her, and it was something that the average girl didn’t get to experience- Ruki being a world away made it impossible for fans to spend time with him like this- she knew she was lucky.

“I remember when I thought the sky was heaven,” she said quietly, and she watched the stars twinkle. “When my dad died, I convinced myself that the biggest star was the hole in heaven he could peek through. I convinced myself that he was watching over me.” She bit her lip – how silly she must have sounded. “That ‘holes in heaven’ theory got me through the chemo while Mom cried.”

Ruki lifted their hands to touch her chin, and she tilted her head back to look at him. “Did you never cry, Maddie-chan?” His eyes were bright with curiosity, and Maddie couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt as she thought back on her first bout with treatments. “Were you never scared?” His voice was quiet, but the thick Japanese accent behind it made it intense. “You were only twelve…”

Maddie smiled slightly. “Mom didn’t need to know how scared I was that I was going to die like Dad. She was still hurting over losing him. I just…I wasn’t going to put more hurt on her.” She shifted on the car, and catching her motive, Ruki tugged her up, dropping his head to the side as she rested hers on his shoulder. This was the way she’d always dreamed of sitting with someone during a meteor shower, and she was with her hero, of all people. “I had your music, too. I wasn’t alone.” Her voice sounded tired to him, but she didn’t seem to mind being out still. Her eyes lifted to the sky again, and she smiled a little as a meteor flashed across the sky.

I wish Ruki wouldn’t hurt over me when I’m gone.

“I love you, Ruki-san,” she whispered, and his fingers twined into hers, giving an affectionate squeeze.

He smiled, dropping a kiss onto her forehead. “Suki dayo,” he replied softly, and Maddie felt her heart flutter.

“After two weeks?”

After two hours, Maddie-chan. “Hai.” You mean more to me than anyone ever should. He shut his eyes, and she did too. She could feel his pulse faintly beneath his skin, and she could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. This to her was perfect, and to him, it was one more way to make sure she was happy. No matter that she was so much younger than him- it wasn’t as though they would dive into a last-minute fling just so that he could watch her die with yet another attachment to her looming over him. She would never have it, and he would never be able to handle it. “You’ve given more of you to me than many, and I love you as you are.”

Her eyes had become a bit teary. “Even with the cancer?”

Another soft kiss touched her forehead, and the full lips on her skin lingered, triggering a wave of chills in her spine. “Maddie-chan,” he whispered against her skin, his breath as warm as the rest of him, “I love you. You are a person, not a disease.”

She wanted to ask him why- she wanted to know why he wasn’t bothered by having to help her around because of what the cancer was doing, why he didn’t mind holding her hand to make her feel wanted, why he had so nonchalantly touched his lips to hers, why he loved her after two weeks, why he felt so comfortable being so close to her, why he was so relaxed around her, and why he did so much to make her happy. “Suki yo, Ruki-san,” she whispered, and she felt the tears pricking at her eyes. The guilt was never going to go away.

After that, Ruki was quiet, holding her and watching the stars with her, and she was quiet, trying not to think of all the things she still wanted but didn’t have time for, and she kept her head in the crook of his neck so that he wouldn’t have to see the expression on her face. He looked down at her, confused, when she buried her head in his neck, but nonetheless, he let her be.

His eyes watched the sky, dark brown irises scanning blackness for the last of the meteor shower, and then he turned his head to rest it against hers as the last of the show faded away.

“We should go back, Maddie-chan…you’ll get cold sleeping out here, even with me beside you.” She held tighter onto his hand in protest, and he chuckled softly. “I won’t leave if you ask me to stay, Maddie-chan,” he said softly, and she nodded against his shoulder, absorbing his warmth. For the last few seconds before he slipped from her grip, she felt what he seemed to feel, and then that feeling faded as he helped her slide off the back of the car. His arm slipped warmly around her slim waist, and she let herself lean against him, selfishly, as he walked her around the car.

She smiled at him as he opened the door for her, and she watched him after the passenger door had been closed, seeing him smile slightly as he walked around the front of the car.

“Still warm?” he asked her, and she nodded, tugging the blanket tighter around her. “Was this a good night for you?” He looked at her, his eyes alight with a dim glow, and she flashed a grin. He smiled back. “Good. I’d hoped so.”

She snuck her hand from beneath her senior blanket to fasten her seatbelt, and then she bit her lip as she glanced down and noticed Ruki’s hand dangling close to hers, his fingertips barely brushing against her skin. Hesitantly, she placed her hand over his, and he smiled a little as he flicked on the headlights and began the drive back to her house, turning his hand over and letting her slip her fingers between his. “Ruki-san?” His smile twitched slightly in response. “Thank you.” Her voice had fallen quiet, and she glanced hopefully over at him. “I know you tire of me thanking you but…”

He touched a soft kiss to the back of her hand and then let their hands rest on the center console. She smiled at him, and then her head dropped back against the headrest, her eyes closing. She felt his thumb brush across her skin, and she felt as though she was the luckiest teenager in Chicago; tonight, thanks to her favorite Japanese rock star, she hadn’t felt like a teenager struggling with cancer.

He seemed so content, and it was content that made her watch him curiously as he drove them back to her house. He was humming quietly to himself, in tune with the radio, and brushing his thumb over her hand like a good friend would. He was unfazed, unbothered, and only changed because Maddie had only smiled at him when he’d said I love you the way you are.

She was quiet until they reached her house, and once the car was off and he was at the passenger door to help her out, Maddie smiled up at him and he smiled gently back at her. “Ruki-san?” she asked quietly, and he raised an eyebrow as he walked her to the front door. “Before you put me to bed, can I ask one last thing?” He chuckled softly, as though to say it was a silly question. She turned into him, her head on his chest, and shivered slightly as he tightened his arms around her to make sure she was warm enough. “It was real, right?”

“Was what real?” he asked softly.

She smiled, nuzzling her face into his shirt. “The field,” she answered quietly, and she nearly rolled her eyes as she heard him laugh softly. “Silly question,” she said, almost sighing, and he only chuckled more, dipping his head to kiss her forehead. “Of course it was real.”

“Come, Maddie-chan,” he said quietly. “It’s time you got inside.” She raised an eyebrow, contesting his ‘you’re out too late, Maddie-chan’ theory with the ‘but it’s summer and I’m almost eighteen’ stare up at him. A wry smile lifted his lips, and he touched her cheek. “Any other night, you know I would give in, but the band comes tomorrow. Surely you want to have energy for that.” Maddie shut her eyes- she couldn’t say no to the touch of his soft kiss on her skin.

“You win, Ruki-san,” she said, and he was chuckling as he walked her to her bedroom. She sighed, and he smiled wryly down at her once more. “You always win.” He laughed softly, and she pulled away from him to pick up her pajamas and then made her way into the bathroom to change. “You don’t have to stay, Ruki-san,” she said, just loud enough to be heard through the bathroom door, and he shook his head.

“I promised I would see you to bed, did I not?” he responded, and he could hear her soft laughter and then the turn of the doorknob as she emerged, switching off the light. “Or would you like me to give you privacy?” He shifted against the doorframe, his arms folded over his chest, and he could see from the way she looked over at him that she was comfortable in the fact that he wouldn’t leave until she told him to.

“You’ve got to sleep, too, Ruki-san,” she answered, and to placate his lifted eyebrow, she slipped into bed, feeling like a small child being put to bed by her father rather than a teenage girl being put to bed by her favorite Japanese rock star. “Go back, go rest.” She smiled tiredly. “I’ll see you in the morning, ne?”

His eyebrow remained lifted. “Actually sending me away, are you, Maddie-chan?” he asked, and the hint of resisting the urge to laugh appeared on his features, lighting up his eyes. He sounded only slightly surprised, amusement taking up the rest of his voice.

”No,” she said, and Ruki almost heard the hint of playful authority in her tone. “I’m sending you to bed, too.” She smiled brightly, and out of habit, Ruki felt a sharp pang in his heart. His expression remained amused and slightly tired, but he felt the pang of knowing Maddie had only smiled that brightly a few times in the two weeks he’d been there with her.

“I’ll have my phone on the nightstand if you need me,” he said quietly, and she smiled at him as he crossed the room to her bed, touching her cheek and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Dewa mata.” His voice was quiet, and it was enough to entice Maddie to close her eyes, and with her eyes closed, she decided that she was indeed tired enough to go to sleep. She heard him chuckle softly as she murmured something in reply, but as she wasn’t too sure what she’d actually said, she couldn’t mumble anything witty in response to his laughter.

Instead, she heard the door to her bedroom gently close, and then she heard her mother saying something to Ruki in an unusually friendly voice, and then she heard him laughing nervously as the front door opened and closed. After that, she barely heard the car leave the driveway, and she fell asleep within a few minutes. She could still feel his kiss on her forehead, his hand on her cheek, and she smiled to herself as she turned onto her side.

I love you as you are.