The Crimson Lotus

Ruki was quiet as he entered her room, quietly placing the tea she'd asked for on the nightstand, smiling as he saw her with her eyes fixated on the television screen. She didn't turn her head to smile at him, but he saw her smile grow as he neared the bed.

"I would have loved to have been born in your country," she said, and she smiled again, still watching the screen. "So many beautiful things happen there. It's like another world." He sat beside her bed, and she shifted her hand slightly so that it was open at her side, and he closed his hand around it, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Do you watch movies like these, Ruki?"

His gaze flickered to the screen for a moment, and his eyes softened as he recognized the film. "Hai. This movie is my favorite." Gently, she slipped her fingers in between his, and he watched her curiously as she bit her lip and blinked away a tear. "Maddie-chan?" She shook her head. "You shed so many tears, Maddie-chan...have you nothing to be happy for?"

She turned her head, showing a teary smile, and glanced down at their hands. "I have you...I have this...this is enough." Another smile, though a tired one, and then her gaze returned to the screen. "This is such a long movie. So much time, and so filled with pain." She let out a short laugh. "It's funny, Ruki...Sometimes I speak like you."

He smiled at her, and she let her free hand slip over her face, a sign of obvious sleep deprivation, and then bowed her head forward. "Maddie-chan?"

She shook her head, her face still covered by her hand. His heart panged for a moment- he could almost imagine soft brown hair being moved by the action. "Oh, Ruki," she said quietly. "I'm so terrible...the time I have with you here, I spend holding your hand and boring you with self-pity, and when you're not here, it's like...it's like the world's gone away." She pulled her hand from his, and she let her head rest against his chest as he moved to sit on the bed beside her, wrapping his arms loosely around her thin body. "I'm so terrible."

He kissed her head, shutting his eyes. "You are not terrible. You are a wonderful girl, Maddie-chan."

She shook her head, holding on to his shirt with barely curled fists. "No, Ruki." It became obvious to him that the movie had been her one facade of inner strength, and it seemed to him that she always allowed herself to crumble when he was around. "I'm a girl with cancer that asked a rock star to take three months out of his life for me." She shut her eyes, sinking into him, and slowly, her arms slid around him until she had a loose hold on his neck, and she leaned into him even more as he pulled her into his lap. "I feel so weak now...all the time...I'm so sorry."

He felt a true pain in his heart, and he felt as though he'd been struck in the chest- her defeat was also his, and the fact that he felt this way made him feel useless as he held her. "Do not be sorry, Maddie-chan. Not for something you cannot control." He kissed her head again, and it seemed he was a father comforting his child as he rocked her gently in his arms.

"You do so much for me, Ruki," she said, her voice a mere breath. "I love you."

He raised his eyebrow, pulling back so that he could look at her, and she gazed up at him, watching him as he blinked in surprise. Instantly, she seemed to regret saying it so bluntly, but he smiled at her anyway, kissing her forehead once more. "You are so beautiful, Maddie-chan. Never doubt this." He smiled again, and she blinked away a tear. "I don't understand how you can never see it."

She shook her head. "I have nothing that should appeal to you, Ruki-san," she whispered, and a few tears slipped past her control. "So why do you stay?

He smiled at her, and he moved one hand from her waist to her cheek. "I stay because you want me here. I stay because you make me smile every time I see you. I stay because you are one who needs love the most."

She smiled at him, and her gaze shifted away from him, focusing on the window instead of his face. "I just don't understand, Ruki-san. You always hurt so much over me...I don't..." She sighed, unable to keep her gaze from his face for very long. "It doesn't feel right that I should be so important to you." She bit her lip, shifting in his lap, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I don't understand, Maddie-chan," he said, and he furrowed his brow, attempting to decipher her complex expression. "I simply...what's wrong?"

She offered him a half-smile, peering up at him for a moment, and shifted so that she was only in his lap because she couldn't move elsewhere and secretly still wanted to lean against him. "I'm always upsetting you, Ruki-san. I just can't fathom the willpower it must take to come back here every day to come see a dying girl." She lifted her hand up and rested it on his, curling her fingers around it, closing her eyes. "I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you to be this close to me."

She leaned her head on his shoulder, her eyes still closed, and as the first few tears began to fall, Maddie's body began to shake slightly, and her arms wrapped around his neck, and he held onto her as he always did when she cried, his arms loose around her and his head gently resting on hers. "Maddie-chan, please...please don't cry. The band will not want to greet you in this way."

She shook her head. "I can't stop," she whimpered, and she sounded scared of the prospect. "I shouldn't feel this safe with you. I shouldn't feel this close to you. It shouldn't feel so right to be alone with you. It's all wrong, so wrong..." She sank into him, seeking his warmth despite her words, and he bit his lip, his eyes closing as well, willing himself to maintain his calm exterior, refusing to break down in front of her.

"Gomennasai," he whispered, unable to think of anything else.

Why is he apologizing? What does he have to be sorry for? It's my fault...it's always me...

"N-n-no, Ruki-san...nothing to be s-sorry for, I p-promise," she mumbled, and as always, he seemed to understand. "I just...I..."

"Shh, Maddie-chan." How could he always be so collected? Wasn't she killing his resolve whenever she acted like this? Didn't he want to push her away and be done with it? Why was she still so important to him? "Never should one such as yourself feel so much pain..."

Another sob shook her body, and she clutched at his shirt, her fingers curling slightly around the material. "Stop, Ruki, stop being so understanding, it's not...it's just not..."

He sighed, quickly swiping at a tear that had formed in his eye, and then returned to running his hand along her back. "Gomennasai," he whispered, and then he gave up. All of his self-restraint fell apart. "Gomennasai." For some reason, the memories of performing Taion live at the tour final years before came streaming back into his head, and he became the broken man that could no longer pretend as he held her close to him, an act of protection more than anything else. "Gomennasai."

Always crying. She held tighter onto his shirt, and she forced the rest of the tears back, saving them for later, her body still shaking slightly but the sobs subsiding. Always sobbing, always weak, always hurting him. She looked up at him, and as he tried a smile for her, she could only watch his lips and smile slightly as the remembered that she'd kissed them the night before.

"Utsukushii," he whispered, and he kissed her forehead as softly as he could. His teary smile was still so brilliant to her, and curiously, she touched her hand to his face. He seemed to almost flinch away from her palm, and then he sighed, letting her hand press against his cheek, his eyes closing partially, one of his hands resting over hers.

"Utsukushii?" she questioned.

He smiled, and though a few tears still dripped from her eyes, he could tell she was calming down. "Utsukushii," he confirmed. "Beautiful." She grinned, and then she wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him as tightly as she could, her head on his shoulder.

"You too," she said, and he smiled, his arms shifting around her just slightly. A few moments of silence passed, and then she pulled back, grinning at him.

He looked different. He looked like he loved her.